A Tuesday night, about 21:00. Yeah, I remembered the exact time. Judith was leaving the building, on her way home, but seeing a light still on, she came around to the office I was using. I often kept on working, regardless of office hours, until I got tired of concentrating on my latest project—or fell asleep, because that could run on into the small hours of the morning. I was working that day on planning the infiltration of a high-tech I.T. corporation, and I’d been picking Brad’s brains for several hours. This was now my quiet time, when I looked things over on my own, starting to get a more instinctive feel for the job. It was the part I liked the best—and I reckon it was my best talent.
Niall appeared at her shoulder, carrying his jacket over one arm. She introduced us, her eyes flickering between us. “Be nice to Niall,” she told me. “He’s just joined us. Excellent man, good weapons expert. He’ll be on the I.T. job with you, though he’s involved in exit strategy, not infiltration. Perhaps you can take him through some of the preliminary plans tomorrow. He’ll need to know what operative you’re putting in, the organizational structure of the target. Keep it as simple as you can, okay?” She smiled confidently. “It’s a strategy that’s always worked for us in the past.”
I nodded. At the time, I don’t think I was giving her my full attention because she coughed deliberately to get me to look up. “Make sure you put the time aside for a briefing, Tanner. I insist. I know you think we all get in your way. But you’ll live with it.” She pursed her lips in a half-smile and ran her gaze over what I called my office uniform. I was in faded jeans and a casual short-sleeved bowling shirt, my shoulder-length hair twisted into a short tail at the back of my neck. I think I probably had a chewed pencil in my mouth and my feet up on the desk; it was my usual pose when thinking through a mission plan. Someone in the past had dared to suggest that my dress and attitude weren’t particularly good for the Department’s image, but Judith had always been willing to show a little more tolerance if the job were done properly. I think she’d had a quiet word with the person who complained. I never heard anything more about it.
That evening, she’d been distracted, passing up on the chance to harass me about it. Instead, she turned back to her companion. “And I suggest you watch Tanner in return, Niall. He lives life on an impatient and unpredictable edge, and tells us all what he thinks we should know. But he’s also smart and sometimes sees things the rest of us miss. If he doesn’t exhaust you first, you’ll find his contribution to the missions invaluable.”
“Hey! And I’d always thought you such an excellent judge of character.” I was wondering whether I should be flattered or insulted, wondering whether I should let loose the grin her praise provoked. Instead, we smiled good night at each other, and she went on her way out of the building. I nodded to the new guy in a casual, friendly way and settled back to the task in hand.
I wasn’t bothered about Niall Sutherland joining the team. To be honest, I didn’t really have time to give it more thought. I had a pile of files in front of me with details of half a dozen Departmental employees. Judith had her unofficial eye on this selection, to see if they’d be suitable to join the Team. I was meant to consider them for this mission, but it was looking like a quest for the proverbial silk purse from a sow’s ear. There was a guy who looked more like he should be modeling designer briefs than passing himself off as a technician, and a couple who’d struggled with programming in their basic training and I doubt had progressed past basic HTML. Maybe I was being an ass about it, but I reckoned they all needed to prove to me they could blend into their environment better than an elephant in custard. So while I was considering developing new identities for these people, I knew all along I’d probably use one as a backup cleaner or something similar and go into the Service Department myself. Couldn’t trust them to know their byte from their butt, right?
“Nothing good?” asked Niall’s voice, startling me.
I cursed, rather colorfully, and the multi-layered files scattered across my desk. Twisting around in my chair, I found him standing in the doorway of the office. I’d assumed he left in Judith’s wake, but it gave me a chance to look him over properly for the first time. He was wearing well-cut linen pants and a long-sleeved dark blue shirt. Very suitable office attire. I smiled to myself. He had broad shoulders, a slim neck, darker skin than mine. Thick, short dark hair that reflected a purple sheen in the dim fluorescent lights of the office and looked damned attractive against the blue shirt. A straight nose and a generous mouth, with the hint of sharp white teeth behind the lips. A very good-looking man, I concluded, but with a serious expression. Obviously a man who wouldn’t get caught with his feet up on the desk. Dark eyes; deep, chocolate-brown irises. I got caught looking into those very eyes, and that’s where my gaze stayed.
“Can I help?” He smiled, put his jacket on a chair, and walked over to my desk. I scrabbled to collect up the files again and he watched me, quietly standing at my side. Close. He had a very pleasant smell, must have been his soap or his shampoo. Glancing over my shoulder at some of my notes—a hell of a lot of exclamation marks scrawled across them, as usual—he put a hand down to steady one of the papers. It was a strong hand. It looked well kept and graceful, but definitely strong. I stared at it for what seemed like ages, God knows why, and at how close it was to my own long-fingered hand lying beside it, half-curled around a pencil. I glanced up at his face, and suddenly he smiled, like something had pleased him. It was a striking contrast on his serious face.
It was one of those moments I thought only happened in fiction, but I remember very clearly the feelings his smile provoked, because I’d never known anything like it before. Warmth ran all through my veins, like some kind of real-time embalming. There was a churning in my gut like nausea, although I knew I’d had a reasonably bland lunch.
At the time, I laughed at myself. I tried to blame my reactions on the air conditioning, on the need for supper, on the weather, dammit. Ridiculous! This guy stood peering over my shoulder and I felt like I melted into sap. It took me a little longer to realize—and admit—what had happened.
In that very instant, I fell heavily, and hard, for Niall Sutherland.
“Tanner?”
Did he notice? I reckoned I covered my reactions well, though maybe I was fooling myself.
“I see your problem.” His voice was low and calm, recalling me from my embarrassing thoughts. “It’s a rather mixed bunch, right? You’ve got your work cut out for you. Judith’s only ever asked me to look at people with established technical qualifications. My evaluation’s only good for finding guys who’ll load a weapon and be prepared to use it, according to my orders. Who’ll set a fuse as I tell them, then stand well back.”
“Yeah.” I grinned. I felt light-headed. “Sounds a lot like my job description too.”
He didn’t exactly laugh, but his eyes flickered across to mine, and they looked warmer. They looked interested. Shit, I nearly hopped like an Easter bunny.
“Thanks for the input, anyway,” I said. “Guess I just like to do things my own way. You heard Judith. I like to work on my own at this preparatory stage, that’s all.”
“Others can’t keep up?”
“No.” I felt myself flush. His smile was very distracting. “Just too much of a maverick.”
He nodded. And dammit, despite the fact my words were arrogant and facile—which wasn’t unheard of, for me—he looked amused by them. Or maybe he was just looking at my mouth, at my lips. It was a very sensual action, though I didn’t know if he realized it. Whatever the reason, my cock reacted shamelessly to it, right there and then, my groin feeling a strange, prickly tingle. At that moment, he could’ve looked at anything of mine if he’d wanted, and I wouldn’t have minded. My worn socks, my ancient set of original comic books, my kindergarten report card. Come to think of it, that last one might have given him a good idea of what I was like, it was as accurate in its way as my most recent appraisal.
I shifted my legs carefully, tryi
ng to get my comfortable position back. He was still nodding but his eyes followed my movement. “A maverick,” he said, softly. “Not always a bad thing.” He glanced at his watch and looked surprised at the time. “You want to grab some late supper and talk some more about it?”
Did I? I tried out that insouciant look and probably just looked sour. I’d checked his hand; no ring, though I knew a lot of guys didn’t wear one anyway. Checked the way he related to Judith, because she was damned fine, but he’d been nothing but professional. I nodded agreement to the supper. I nodded; and I prayed for more.
WE WALKED to the small Italian restaurant a few doors down the street because they knew the staff from the Department there and because the food was always good. As far as they were concerned, we were just plain office workers who kept odd hours. I nodded to a couple of familiar waiters, but the rest of the time my eyes were glued to my companion. The way he shrugged off his jacket; the way he folded his long legs under his seat. The polite smile he gave to the wine waiter, and the approving nod he gave as he looked around at the cozy décor. The menu arrived under my nose, and I looked right through it like I had Superman’s X-ray vision. God knows what I ordered! I like my food, you know? But I could’ve asked for Table Napkins Carbonara, and I wouldn’t have cared.
We both chose a rich red wine and the same thick, creamy pasta. And we started to talk. Even when the food arrived, we continued, the conversation flowing comfortably and easily.
Niall mentioned his involvement in a few higher profile Department missions. Not boasting, you know, I had to give him that. Mind you, he didn’t need to; his reputation was already established, from what I could gather. In fact, one of the missions he mentioned was the very job where Judith had earned her best promotion. Despite myself, I was impressed.
“She thinks a lot of you, right?”
He shook his head dismissively. “I’m just going to be one of the team. But I get on very well with her. She’s fair. She’s a good boss.” He smiled easily, but there was restlessness in him, too, and I didn’t think it was anything to do with this evening. I suspected Niall Sutherland was a field man, through and through, and looking forward to getting involved in something more challenging. More risky. I liked that thought a lot. I didn’t have much time for routine myself.
“I have a meeting with Simon tomorrow,” he said. “To get up to speed.” He paused in his eating for a second. “Great guy.”
“You like him?” I was being mischievous, of course. Simon was a valuable colleague and he’d become a good friend. Nothing more, though; he was gay, too, but we didn’t find that attraction in each other, and neither of us minded. But he did get included in all the high level meetings. Sometimes I thought he must know as much as Judith about the mission plans, and probably more when it came to knowing how the hell they were going to be put into practice.
Niall raised an eyebrow. “Yes, I like him,” he said. “Judith speaks about him a lot.” And then he grinned as if he’d seen right through my clumsy prying. “Apparently he and Brad Richards have got up to speed already, but in a different way. Am I right?”
“Yeah. They’re together.” We both laughed, but I could tell Niall respected that. And I could also tell… what? That he liked guys too? Seemed like Judith had found a few of us for the Team so far. A happy coincidence, or maybe we’d found a place that accepted us just as we were. In my case, at least, it had colored my upbringing and helped create the kind of man I was today—a man who’d never fit elsewhere in the Department’s more rigid establishment. But that was their loss, of course.
And it didn’t necessarily mean Niall would like me.
“So what are you hoping for from your move to the Project Team?” I hurried on. “It’s been great for me, something really challenging. And the guys are the best to work with.”
“I’m looking forward to that,” Niall said. “Working with you.”
I felt a terrible ache inside, and all I could taste in the salad I was eating was the sharp flavor of need. Hell, had it been that long since I dated? Since I touched anyone? Since I had some rich, wet, sticky satisfaction?
It wasn’t just that, of course. It was all about him.
Meanwhile, he talked some more about new weapons he’d been testing, and his hope of working with more cutting-edge equipment. Judith often took advantage of prototypes in the market, offering a professional evaluation in return for exclusive use, at least until it came out to the public. He talked about some high-speed, low-weight models that had been imported from Eastern Europe; some exciting new developments in chemical research. I listened with only half an ear, the other half fascinated by the timbre of his voice, the rhythm of his careful enthusiasm.
He was also intrigued to know more about my role, which, let’s face it, didn’t lend itself to a normal job title. “I work with the people,” I explained. “Ours, and the target’s. I identify the people we need to manipulate, then help discover their motivations, suggest what triggers them. I coach people in developing alternate personalities and how to cope with undercover work. It’s like acting. I help them find the right clothes, the movements, the mannerisms. Then it’s up to them to carry out the rest of their shit.”
His eyes caught mine. That had been happening a lot, all through the meal. “Like a chameleon,” he said, and it didn’t sound sarcastic or like he’d been listening to water cooler gossip about me. “That’s quite a talent.”
Fuck, I didn’t blush, did I? “It’s just part of the process.” I shrugged. “Not as glamorous as blowing up strongboxes, or like guys in sunglasses providing security for international celebrities, or charging into riot situations, guns blazing.”
When I looked back at him, his eyes had clouded over a little. I could’ve kicked myself. I’d been facetious, just like I always was, but I’d been talking about someone else’s work, not my own. I was out of line, and I knew it. He might be really pissed with me, might think I was laughing at his role in the Department.
“Sorry,” I blurted out. “That didn’t come over like I meant.” I reached for my glass, to cover the embarrassment with a drink. He reached for something at the same time. Our hands nudged knuckles.
My body went white hot with excitement.
“It’s okay,” Niall said, and he sounded like he meant it. He didn’t move his hand and, quite frankly, mine might have been soldered to the cloth, hanging on to that small touch like discovered riches. Our fingers lay against each other’s for several moments. Niall’s gaze flickered to my face and away again. He looked wary but calm.
“Good,” I replied. I reckoned I had my answer about his preferences, but my throat was too tight to manage anything more articulate. There seemed to be a lack of blood flowing to my heart. It had all gone south.
The waiter had been hovering for some time at the edge of the room. By then, we were the last ones in the restaurant, and we’d definitely taken longer over a couple of plates of salad and pasta than anyone really had a right to. We were still smiling at each other—mine was so broad it must have looked more like a grimace—when the poor guy snatched his chance and waved the menu between us. “Coffee, sirs?”
Niall looked fully at me. It was a look of such astonishing intensity that I was suddenly breathless. His eyes were so deep that I felt momentarily dizzy; I felt as if the floor shifted under me. I tried to put my napkin down carefully and only succeeded in dropping it off the table altogether.
“Coffee, Tanner?” How could someone put so much communication into two such banal words?
I gazed back. “Not here,” I replied. Hoped to God my voice wasn’t shaking as much as my heartbeat. “Got some at home. I live just a few blocks away.”
“I’ll get my jacket,” he said.
LET’S FACE it, I’d had more than my fair share of dating; had a couple of other guys’ share, probably. But it had been a while since anything regular, and nothing had ever really lasted. No one had ever kept my attention longer than a shared summer,
or finding casual warmth in bed. Just a few weeks’ unencumbered fun. It’d been several months since the lack of such company had even bothered me. And I’d definitely never felt so drawn to someone that I couldn’t hold my hands at my sides, that I couldn’t tear my eyes away from that person, or stop thinking about what it would be like to kiss him….
But that’s how it was with Niall.
He walked beside me as we made our way around the corner of my street, just kind of normal, two guys wandering along. He had his hands in the pockets of his light-colored pants for a while, and he’d slipped his jacket back on, as the evening was cool. His shirt was made of a thin fabric, and I’d seen the line of his muscles underneath it during supper. I do remember thinking—again—how that shade of blue really suited his coloring. I felt shabby with my jeans and my garishly patterned shirt, but when I’d stumbled into my clothes that morning, I’d not envisaged the day ending like this. I felt all sorts of strange new things, to tell you the truth. Most of all, I felt every inch of him along the shared side of my body; I was conscious of every breath he expelled into the cool night air. It had never been such a long and charged journey back to my apartment.
I’d been living there since I joined the Department, though Judith was looking into something more secure for the Project Team members, so I’d probably be moving again in the near future. I’d always moved fairly regularly. You could have justifiably called me a bit of a gypsy. So I kept a lot of my stuff in boxes and trunks, didn’t have much time for formal furniture. Just needed a reasonable kitchen, a comfortable bedroom, and a top-notch bathroom with power shower. That made me happy enough. I didn’t watch TV, though I listened to music quite a lot. I had my system fixed up to turn itself on the minute I opened the front door, just to greet me with something good. And yes, you may well think, why was I rambling on about my household habits? Guess it was a measure of how nervous I felt that night. Nervous about what he’d think of my place; nervous of inviting him back there, like I couldn’t remember if I’d washed up after breakfast, or left my sneakers in the middle of the hallway, or yesterday’s jeans out on the couch….
Dreamspinner Press Year Four Greatest Hits Page 76