“Oh.”
Nick felt slightly foolish and was beginning to wonder if Logan really wanted a next time when the other man blurted, “We could get together Thursday night, couldn’t we? We don’t have class no more.”
As he was about to agree, Nick smacked his forehead. “Shit, I can’t. That’s the night me and Adam’re takin’ the kids to the Pirates game.”
“Adam, huh?” asked Logan, voice filled with gravel and ice. “So you’re gonna keep on…,” he waved his hand vaguely before continuing, “with him?”
“We’re friends, Logan.” Nick pivoted on one foot and ran his hand through his hair before turning back and saying, “Besides, we’ve had this game planned for weeks. You think I should just let the kids down?”
“No, I—”
“And what about you?” Nick challenged. “Are you still getting back with your wife?”
“Yeah….” Logan’s brow furrowed as he added, “I guess.”
Arms akimbo, Nick spat, “You are?”
Logan threw up his hands, protesting, “I don’t know. Fuck, Nick, you gotta give me some time….”
“Yeah, okay. I need time, too,” Nick admitted more calmly. “I don’t know what to make of this, any more ’an you do.”
His disclosure seemed to amuse Logan. “You don’t?” He grinned as he nodded at the bed, saying, “You sure seemed to know what you were doin’.”
“I don’t think sex is our problem,” Nick retorted with a chuckle. More soberly, he added, “It’s just… everything else.”
“It sure is.” Logan drew his hand across his mouth before saying, “Like you and that Adam guy, me and Linda, Trudy….”
Nick’s head whipped up at that name. “What about her? You’re not plannin’ on tellin’—”
“Hell, no.” He studied Nick briefly before adding, “I was afraid you might….”
“Tell my boss I’m screwing one of her patients?” Nick asked in disbelief. “Um, no, not a good idea.”
Logan nodded thoughtfully, saying, “Uh huh. Guess I can see that.” His frown returned as he asked, “What about Adam?”
With a shrug, Nick answered, “I should say somethin’. He always tells me….”
“Tells you what?”
“’Bout other guys.” He saw Logan’s eyebrows shoot up, so he explained, “See, we don’t have that kind of relationship—you know, exclusive.” He came close to laughing out loud at the very idea of Adam being monogamous.
Logan was staring at his wedding ring as he twisted it idly on his finger. “That means… you both have other guys?”
Nick was almost tempted to lie and say yes—it seemed easier and… safer, somehow. Instead he found himself saying, “Adam does, but I….”
Bright blue eyes betrayed intense interest as Logan prodded, “Yeah?”
“Don’t.” With an ironic smile and a slight toss of his head, Nick amended, “Didn’t.”
“But he’s gonna expect—”
With a protesting hand raised, Nick interrupted, “He’s not gonna expect anything on Thursday except a baseball game.”
“Okay.”
Nick tried to guess what was going on behind that pensive frown and that clipped retort but failed. “Guess we can talk more—”
“When?”
“You tell me.”
After a half minute of silent concentration, Logan said, “I’m s’posed to drop the girls off at home by one o’clock next Sunday. I could be here by… say, two? Would that work for you?”
“Yeah, I could swing that.”
“Great.”
Offering an outstretched hand to seal the bargain, Nick received a nervous smile and a firm grip from Logan as a reward. At the moment of contact, there was that now--familiar electric spark, and Nick was momentarily dazed, feeling the impulse to pull Logan into a tight clinch before deciding that would be unwise. He did step a bit closer and give him a clumsy thump on the back. They stood frozen in the near-embrace for long seconds before Logan cleared his throat and said, “You better get goin’, see your mom.”
Nick took that as his cue to step back. He pulled his keys from his pocket and headed for the door before looking back to say, “See ya next weekend.”
On the way to the hospital, Nick veered wildly between thinking it would be the longest week of his life—and the shortest.
THURSDAY EVENING, Nick wrestled with all of the annoying and endless minutiae it took to get six kids to PNC Park on time for the Pirate’s seven-fifteen start. During the day he’d actually thought he would be glad for the distraction, needing something to take his mind off his mom and Logan. Those two topics had fully consumed him for four long days—when he was being completely honest, the latter even more than the former.
When the night’s aggravations actually started, Nick couldn’t quite consider them a blessing after all. Several weeks’ reprieve had obviously dulled his memory of the lowlights of these baseball outings: the bickering in the van on the way to the city, the hassle of finding parking at Station Square, shepherding everyone over Clemente bridge, and of course, refereeing the heated debate of who would sit where after they picked up their tickets at the Will Call window. “Just take the ticket I gave you, and we’ll sort it out at the seats, okay?” Nick snapped.
Suddenly a merry voice sang out, “They’re all good seats, guys. I’d never let you down.”
Nick turned and grinned at Adam, glad to see not only a friend but another adult at last.
His relief was cut short by Jesse whining, “I don’t wanta sit next to a girl.” He turned to Isabel Cabrera, a last-minute addition to the group, and sneered, “I don’t even know why you let her come. Girls don’t know nothin’ about baseball.”
Isabel shot back, “I know as much as you do—probably more!”
Nick stepped in between the pair, saying, “That’s just fine, Jesse, since I was hoping Isabel would do me the honor of sitting next to me.”
As they walked to the seats under a temporary truce, Adam muttered, “Actually, I was kinda hoping for that seat next to you.”
Sotto voce, Nick assured him, “Don’t worry, you get the other one.”
Luckily once the game started, all the kids settled down, fascinated by the surprisingly tight contest between the Pirates and their archrivals, The Philadelphia Phillies. Still, Nick was acutely aware of the audience and didn’t relate anything of a personal nature to Adam other than an update on his mom’s situation.
His young friend’s eyes darkened with compassion as he responded, “That’s rough, man. Sorry to hear that.”
Not much more besides comments on the game passed between the two men until the seventh inning. The Phillies had pulled ahead by three runs, and the disappointed crowd was somewhat subdued. Isabel disappeared in search of a ladies room while several of the boys went off on a cotton candy hunt. Nick was already bracing for the aftereffects of the inevitable sugar rush but appreciated that there were now three empty seats between him and his nearest charge.
When Adam asked, “Why’re you so quiet tonight? Think they can’t pull this out, or is it your mom?”
Nick decided to take advantage of their relative privacy. “Yes, and yes and no.”
Laughing and shaking his head, Adam said, “Care to explain? ’Cause I didn’t quite get that.”
“I don’t think they can come back from this collapse, I am worried about my mom, but there is something else on my mind.”
Adam glanced over at the kids and, seeing the remaining boys occupied by the game, asked, “Like what?”
Hesitating for only a second, Nick plunged ahead, whispering, “I met someone.”
In an equally low tone, Adam asked, “A guy you’re interested in, you mean?”
“Yeah, a guy.”
“Guess it’s about time,” Adam responded with a shrug. “I always wondered why you didn’t… you know.”
Nick licked his lips nervously before elaborating, “I’m not one for…. What I mean is, I was
perfectly happy with what you and I had—”
“Had?” Adam’s eyebrows slanted upwards in consternation. “Whoa, are you trying to say we’re through? Fuck, don’t tell me you think you’re in love.”
“No!” Nick saw Ben shoot a puzzled glance their way from four seats over and lowered his voice again as he clarified, “It’s just that I might not have much time for you for a while, and I wanta be upfront about it.”
A grin broke across his face as Adam said, “Okay, gotcha.” Hearing a restrained cheer ripple through the crowd, he turned to watch McLouth take first base on a walk before continuing. “For a second there, I thought you’d lost your mind.” His smile took on a sly cast as he added, “You realize I want details, don’t you?” Adam made a “give me” gesture with his hand, demanding, “Come on, who is he, where’d you meet ’im, and most important of all, how’s the sex?”
Faking a sudden interest in the game afforded Nick a minute to consider what he was going to tell Adam. It isn’t like he’s gonna know me taking up with an abuser throws into question my supposed recovery from my childhood. Still, even Adam was savvy enough to realize that, based on everything Nick had ever said about his work, he was now, literally, sleeping with the enemy.
Nick cringed with embarrassment at the thought of revealing such a lapse in judgment, so he finally hedged by admitting only, “He’s a volunteer. At ACC.”
“Huh, never thought you’d mess around at work. He must really be somethin’. What’s he look like?”
“Muscular build, blond, almost as tall as me.”
“Sounds hot.” Adam doffed his Pirates cap and tapped Nick on the arm with it, saying, “Good for you.” His voice grew more animated as he suggested, “Hey, some guys are gettin’ together at Sully’s this Sunday to watch the Steelers game. Why don’t you two swing by?” His grin turned wolfish. “I’d love to meet your new conquest.”
Eyes on the relief pitcher warming up in the bullpen, Nick quietly demurred, “Sorry, we can’t make it.”
“Some other time, then?”
“I really don’t see us goin’ out together much.”
“Why? Is he ugly?” Adam teased.
“No.” Nick laughed in spite of himself, turning to Adam to add, “He’s actually really good-looking.”
“So the problem is…?”
Nick had a sinking feeling that Adam wasn’t going to let up on this. In desperation, he supplied, “He’s married. With kids.”
Puzzlement wrinkled Adam’s brow as he whispered incredulously, “You’re messin’ with a closeted guy from work? What the fuck?”
“Logan isn’t like that,” Nick interjected. After taking a deep breath, he explained, “He’s… he’s never ever been with a guy before.”
Adam’s mouth fell open, and his eyes grew wide. His voice still low but his tone urgent, he said, “What? He’s straight? Holy shit!”
“Well, obviously he’s not straight,” corrected Nick dryly.
“You know what I mean. I know you’re not gonna like this, dude, but that is so hot.” Nick resumed watching the game, determined to ignore Adam’s sudden fascination with Logan until Adam mused, “What do ya think? Maybe I can have a crack at this guy when you’re done?”
An unfamiliar feeling crawled into Nick’s gut, sending a flush of temper through him; it took some effort for him to clamp down on the sudden need to tell Adam to go fuck himself. What the hell is wrong with me? You’d think I was jealous or something. In an effort to prove the green monster had no hold on him, Nick joked back, “You think you’re gonna have time for anyone else but me when this thing with Logan is over? You better think again.”
“Oh promises, promises,” Adam laughed. “And I’m still waiting for those juicy details.”
Nick nodded discreetly in the direction of the kids, saying, “And you’re gonna have to keep on waiting—for a better time.” Or until hell freezes over.
“Okay,” Adam sighed. He signaled one of the vendors over, asking Nick, “Want another dog?”
“Sure. Who’s buyin’?”
“You are.” Adam turned twinkling green eyes on Nick. “It’s the least you can do after puttin’ me on a diet.”
Nick reached for his wallet, protesting, “Okay, but I know you’re not really gonna be going hungry.”
“Looks who’s talking,” Adam retorted. “The guy whose menu now reads ‘fresh hot blond’.”
As Nick bit into his hot dog, he muttered under his breath, “Yeah, with a side order of ‘heavy baggage’ and a whopper of a bill.” He didn’t say it aloud, since he had no explanation as to why he was so eager for a second helping.
FRIDAY AFTERNOON, Logan found himself standing totally perplexed in the cereal aisle at Kroger’s. He’d intended to make a quick stop on his way home from work to pick up a few things for the girls, cereal being one of them. He wanted to get his daughters’ favorite kind; he’d never really taken note of the name or the brand but figured he’d recognize the box when he saw it. Instead he found a bewildering array of choices, most looking pretty similar and none looking all that familiar. He fingered his cell phone, tempted to call Linda and ask, but that felt like an admission of failure.
How can I not even know what kind of cereal they like? Maybe Linda was right. If you added it all up, he’d spent most of the girls’ lives in his garage in Elco. And during the time in North Braddock before the separation, he’d been aware of little save his own misery. Determined not to let this first weekend be ruined by regret, Logan shelved his guilt, grabbing a box of Honeycombs—something he vaguely remembered eating as a child—and dumped it in his cart. They’re comin’ to spend time with me, not eat cereal.
As he stood in the checkout line, Logan tried to calm nerves that had been stretched tight as a bow the entire week, though the impending visit with the girls wasn’t the only cause. Wednesday’s session with Trudy had been dominated by preparations for joint counseling with Linda. The list of rules Trudy had required Logan to sign had been vaguely insulting, but the worst part was feeling like a fraud as he wrote his name. But how could he tell Trudy that he had no interest in reconciling with Linda? Was that even true? And even if it was, how could he explain himself without revealing what was going on with him and Nick?
Logan snorted to himself, thinking that first he’d have to know what was going on before he could explain it to somebody else. Thursday night Logan hadn’t even been able to listen to the baseball game knowing that Nick was there with… him. Venom pooled in his chest at the idea of Nick Zales’s… whatever the hell he is. Logan was tormented by the thought that Nick would keep seeing Adam yet terrified of the implications of Nick breaking it off. It ain’t like there’s any kinda future in this thing between me and Nick. I know that. Hope to hell he does.
Two hours later, Logan pulled up in front of his old apartment building, no closer to answering any of the questions that had plagued him all week. As he climbed the stairs, he decided to focus on his girls instead of his problems. Maybe if he’d done that before, he’d know what kind of goddamn cereal they liked. His resolution lasted up to the very weird experience of knocking on the door that used to be his own, but not much beyond it since the person opening it turned out to be Linda.
He should have been better prepared to face his wife, but for some reason Logan had assumed that his sister-in-law, Marie, would be the liaison that evening. Suddenly he realized he was standing frozen in the doorway and hadn’t even returned Linda’s greeting. He got hold of himself and choked out, “Hi, Linda.”
As he trailed her into their old living room, Logan was nagged by the feeling that something was different in Linda’s appearance, until it hit him: her formerly soft brown hair was now platinum blonde. Belatedly, he told her, “You look good.” An awkward pause followed before he added, “You changed your hair.”
Linda nodded before answering, “I thought you were gonna say somethin’ about the scars all bein’ gone.”
A memory of Linda as he�
��d seen her last—bruised and bandaged—assaulted him without warning, along with a wave of shame and guilt from which he’d been hiding for six months. The sensation almost made him retch, but he fought through it with no outward symptom except a hacking cough.
There was still no sign of Krista or Meghan, so it was Linda who brought him a glass of water. He thanked her before laying the blame for the incident on his pack-a-day habit. “Been thinkin’ of quittin’,” he added.
“I did.”
“Quit?”
“Yeah,” Linda answered as she settled on the couch. “They wouldn’t let me smoke in the hospital, and by the time I got out, I was pretty near to quittin’, so I figured, what the hell?”
The mention of her hospital stay brought on aftershocks of guilt, and Logan made a sudden decision. He glanced nervously towards the bedrooms and asked, “Where’re the girls?”
“They’re packin’ up. You know how they are—you’d think they were gonna be away for a month.”
Logan nodded and, before he lost his nerve, parked himself in the chair across from her. With no preamble, he said, “Last time we talked, you were sayin’ how… how I never told you direct that I was sorry for what I did. Well, you were right. But I’m sayin’ it now. I am sorry, Linda.”
Tears sprang up in her eyes, and she reached for the glass of water she’d brought for him. After a few small sips, Linda whispered, “Thank you.”
“Yeah, well, guess it was long overdue.”
Linda nodded, saying, “It sure was.” She took her own peek at the hallway before continuing. “Can you tell me why, Logan? Why it took ya so long?”
Logan just shook his head. No words came to him, not any that his wife wanted to hear. The good feeling he’d enjoyed after that “thank you” had lasted all of five seconds. When Linda said, “Guess we’ll talk about that on Wednesday,” Logan felt the world closing in on him again.
It wasn’t anything Linda had said—Logan guessed she had the right to say that, and more. It was that he saw his feet being set back on that same old path, that grim death march of a life where he was always doing more than he wanted but less than he should. Where every day was a sacrifice that was never enough and couldn’t be appreciated—or even shared.
Dreamspinner Press Year Four Greatest Hits Page 114