Larry nodded, saying with some satisfaction, “It’s about time.”
“Are you crazy?” Nick threw his napkin down on his nearly empty plate. “Do you know how fucked up this whole thing is?”
“As fucked up as some fry cook fallin’ in love with a fancy PhD from Bethel Park?”
“That hardly compares, Larry. And you’re not just ‘some fry cook’.”
“And you told me Logan wasn’t just another abuser.”
“He’s not.” Nick sighed and ran a hand across his forehead. “Still. There are too many complications and repercussions here—”
“This is why you and Trudy drive each other crazy sometimes,” said Larry as he leaned a shoulder against the coffee urn. “You two are so much alike.” Nick shot Larry a quizzical look, prompting him to explain, “You both analyze everything to death.”
”Not lately,” Nick laughed.
“You are now—”
“Larry,” Nick interrupted, leaning forward and lowering his tone to explain. “Me falling in love with Logan could mean… mean….”
“So deal with your daddy issues and then—”
“How did you know…?”
“Do you think I’ve lived with that woman for over twenty years without pickin’ up a thing or two about her business? Like I was sayin’, deal with what you have to and then, if the feelings are still there, find a way to make it work.” He faced Nick, hands braced against the counter. “Love is worth fightin’ for.” Larry’s smile flashed white against his dark skin as he added, “Looks like I’m not the only one who thinks so.”
LOGAN WAS so relieved to see Nick’s Jeep in the parking lot of The Liberty Grill, he could have kissed the damn thing, even though his stomach twisted at the thought of going in that restaurant. He took a deep breath, slipped through the double glass doors, and was immediately greeted by the ebullient hostess. “Hi, hon, booth or table?”
“Umm,” Logan stalled, looking around for Nick. He spotted him sitting at the counter, deep in conversation with Larry Gerard. Nodding towards the two men, he said, “I’m meetin’ him.”
“Okay,” she answered gaily, stepping aside.
Logan walked slowly down the aisle and slipped onto the stool next to Nick. “Hey, there.”
Nick swiveled around and regarded him with apparent shock. “Logan, what the hell are you doin’ here?”
“Lookin’ for you.”
“Why didn’t you call?” Nick asked, pulling his cell phone out.
“You have it turned off.”
“I do not,” Nick said. He looked down at the phone and said, “Oh, looks like the battery died.” He shrugged, asking, “How did you know I was here?”
“Trudy told me—”
The glare Nick shot Larry would have stung a lesser man, but Larry was clearly unabashed. “It wasn’t me.”
“You didn’t let me finish. Trudy told me this was the best place to look for you.”
“I gotta get back to work,” Larry said. He turned to Logan, asking, “Can I get ya anything?”
“Cup of coffee.” Larry efficiently grabbed a mug and filled it, putting it in front of Logan in the blink of an eye. “Thanks.”
“Sure thing,” Larry said as he picked up Nick’s plate and strode back towards the kitchen. “See ya ’round.”
Logan breathed a sigh at being left alone with Nick but then found himself at a loss for words, so he said the first thing that popped into his head. “Returned to the scene of the crime, huh?”
His weak jest backfired as Nick’s face fell. He grimly answered, “You think me bringin’ you here was a crime?”
“It was just a joke. I guess this place really is kind of special to you?”
The smile Logan’s question evoked seemed a little sad, but at least it was a smile. “Yeah, it is. Why were you looking for me?”
“After you called me, I was worried you got fired, but Trudy said you just took some time off. Is that right?”
“Yeah.” Nick stared down at the Formica countertop, adding, “I’m gonna take a couple’a weeks and get my mom settled in the nursing home. Stuff like that.”
Trying to catch Nick’s eye, Logan pushed his coffee aside and leaned on the counter. “You didn’t sound too happy about it on the phone.”
Nick looked at him, saying, “What do I have to be happy about, Logan? You said it yourself last night—”
“I said a lotta stupid things last night.”
“Maybe. But it doesn’t immediately follow that you were wrong.”
“What’s that mean?”
“It means that…. I guess it means I should’ve handled things better. A lot better.” Nick reached for Logan’s untouched coffee and took a sip as he swiveled to face him directly. “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Especially you. It looks like I have a habit of doin’ that to people that I….” He trailed off and looked out the window. “That I’d never wanta hurt.”
“Jesus, Nick.” Logan thumped his hand on the counter, insisting, “You didn’t hurt me. You were right to tell Trudy the truth, and I was dead wrong to want you to lie.” With a sigh, he added, “I just got a bunch of stuff to… to deal with, now.”
“Like your wife?”
“Yeah. That’s first on my list. One of the few things me and Trudy—” Logan shrugged as he ran his thumbnail along the bright chrome edging of the counter. “Fuck, I ain’t lookin’ forward to tellin’ Linda.” He glanced at Nick, searching for understanding in those dark eyes. “This is gonna hurt her awful bad.”
“I know, but the longer you wait, the worse it’ll be.”
“Is this week soon enough?”
Nick’s mouth fell open. “You’re gonna talk to Linda this week?”
“Yes. Trudy wants me to do it at her office.” He rolled his eyes, adding, “She says it’ll be best in a neutral place, plus she’ll be there to offer her support….”
“But?” Nick prodded, apparently reading him well.
“But that don’t seem right to me. I think Linda should be in her own home so she can… yell or holler or throw things at me if she wants.” Logan reached for his tepid coffee, taking a gulp before he added, “I think Krista and Meghan have Girls Scouts some night this week. I’m gonna see if I can do it then.”
“Sounds like a good idea.”
Nick’s smile seemed more genuine this time, and he found himself smiling back, but the air between them hung heavy with the unspoken question: Now what?
Logan took a deep breath and forced out the other decision he’d made on the way to Pittsburgh. “Nick, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I’m gonna need some time to… some time.”
“I’m glad to hear you say that.”
Surprise and alarm replaced the trepidation in his gut. “You are?”
“Yeah.” His voice dropped a full register as Nick added, “Coming out is a hard thing, Logan, I know that. Everyone should be able to choose their own moment, and I’m real sorry it got forced on you. If you didn’t need some time to deal with that, I’d think you were nuts.”
“It was hard for you?”
“Of course. Why are you surprised?”
Logan was too astounded to offer anything but the truth. “I didn’t think anything was hard for you.”
His reply drew a real, honest-to-God belly laugh from Nick. “Yeah, right. If you only knew.”
When they parted in the parking lot a few minutes later, Logan drew some solace from the hug they shared; however, the embrace was not only too brief, there was a new awkwardness marring it as well. Wanting to end on an up note, Logan called out to Nick’s retreating figure, “Hey, Nick!”
“What?”
“I might take the T-Bird and get it painted this weekend. I’ll call you if I get it done.”
A patented Nick Zales grin beamed at Logan from ten feet away. “Sounds great. I can’t wait to see it.”
Logan drove home feeling slightly better but wondering why he hadn’t told Nick he was plan
ning to take the Thunderbird to Elco. It didn’t take too much soul-searching to find the answer. He’d wanted an out in case facing up to Linda turned out to be all he could handle in the space of a week.
Chapter 15:
Pain Too Lonely
Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
—Kahlil Gibran
AS HE started the solo counseling session that Trudy had arranged for Tuesday evening, Logan wanted, up-front, to get something out of the way. He took a deep breath, sat up straight in his chair, and faced his counselor head-on. “Before we get started, I wanta thank you for tellin’ me where I could find Nick yesterday. I know you didn’t have to do it, but we needed….” That admission was leading into a room marked “private,” so Logan let the thought trail off and mumbled, “Anyway, thank you.”
Trudy gave him an almost pained smile before replying, “You’re welcome.”
The look on her face prompted Logan to ask, “If I hadn’t gone along with what you wanted, would you have told me?” There was no immediate answer, so Logan clarified, “I mean, me and Nick taking a break—”
“I knew what you meant. I was just giving it some thought.” Trudy tilted her head and shifted her eyes slightly as she admitted, “To be perfectly honest, I don’t know what I would have done.” She looked back at Logan, asking, “Are you having second thoughts about not seeing Nick for a while?”
Rather than admit the bald truth, that he was having second, third, and fourth thoughts, Logan stammered, “I, um… I, guess… it’s for the best. For both of us, right?”
Sounding much more like her usual assured self, Trudy said, “Yes, for both of you.”
That answer had come out a little too fast and sure for Logan’s liking, prompting him to challenge, “Sounds like you don’t think I’m good for Nick.”
Once again, Trudy seemed to be mulling over the question. Finally, she sighed loudly and said, “You must realize, whenever a child of an abusive parent gets involved with—” she shot a guilty glance at Logan before continuing, “even a one-time abuser, there are questions about…. Well, there are questions.”
Logan felt like he’d had the wind knocked out of him. “That ain’t why…. Nick doesn’t think of me like that. He’s as much as said so.”
“I’m not trying to say that’s what’s going on with you and Nick. I was just explaining why I had my doubts.” She actually smiled briefly at Logan before saying, “I talked to Larry about it, and from what he’s told me, it might not be the case here.”
“Wait a minute,” Logan growled. “You talked to your husband about me and Nick?”
Trudy remained unruffled as she explained, “More like Larry told me what he and Nick talked about—which was you.”
“Oh.” Logan didn’t like the idea any more than he had before but supposed he couldn’t fault her in that case. “What did he say about me?”
“I’d rather you and Nick discuss that—in a couple of weeks.” When Logan frowned at her, Trudy soothed, “Whatever the truth of the matter is about the genesis of your relationship, both you and Nick still need to deal with your issues—separately.”
Her assurances couldn’t prevent Logan from blurting, “But Nick’s gonna be…. I mean he’s kinda down right now, and he shouldn’t be all alone. Maybe I should… check in on him now and then. That’d be okay, wouldn’t it?”
Trudy let out a huff of exasperation—or was it amusement? Logan wasn’t sure, and what followed didn’t enlighten him any. “I really don’t have any power to enforce a ban on your association with Nick. I am asking you to give this break a chance, but the rest is up to you. And by the way, Nick seemed fine when I spoke with him this afternoon. He spent most of the day at the nursing home getting his mom settled in.”
Relief quickly followed surprise at Trudy’s assurance, and unthinkingly Logan offered, “Oh, you two are speak—I mean… that’s good to hear.”
One eyebrow was elegantly cocked as Trudy dryly assured him, “Yes, Nick and I are speaking. You know, in the end, this whole episode is probably going to be good for our relationship.”
Logan’s eyes snapped to Trudy’s face, and he studied her for any signs of humor, but she seemed perfectly sincere. “Yeah? How?”
“When you get right down to it, a pedestal is an uncomfortable perch for any human being.” Logan was still trying to refrain from asking what the fuck that meant when Trudy added, “You seemed surprised to find that I’m worried about Nick, too.” Once again not sounding much like the counselor he knew, her voice soft and sad, she murmured, “Can’t you at least give me that much credit?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”
She waved him off. “Please don’t apologize. Besides, you’re stealing my thunder.”
Fuck, she’s more confusing than ever. “What’s that mean?”
“It means I want to apologize to you, Logan. I should have listened better when you tried to tell me your marriage wasn’t working for you and never had.”
If she was trying to make him feel better, that statement had the opposite effect. Logan squirmed uncomfortably under her earnest gaze. “That’s all right,” he said. “You couldn’t’ve….” He expelled a weary breath before admitting, “I can see why you thought what you did. I was doin’ my damnedest to make sure you didn’t catch on to the truth.”
“Why was it so important to you that I not find out you were gay?”
“Are you kidding?” Irritation and incredulity frosted and sharpened every word. “I wasn’t ready to admit that to myself, let alone to you.”
“Are you ready now?”
Logan massaged his tense brow before sighing, “I don’t know. Guess I have to be.”
“You said you weren’t ready to admit the truth to yourself, meaning you’ve been hiding from this knowledge for a while?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“How long?”
Unwillingly, Logan offered up the truth. “Long time. Since before I married Linda.”
“God, that must have been exhausting. There must be some relief mixed in with whatever misgivings you have about coming out, yes?”
Logan gave it some thought but couldn’t find any relief lurking in his heart. “If there is, it’s hidin’ from me better than the other stuff ever did.”
“Have you thought about what you’re going to tell Linda?”
“Yeah.” Which wasn’t exactly a lie. Logan had thought about it, he just hadn’t come up with anything. “Sure ain’t looking forward to it.”
Trudy issued an encouraging smile as she leaned forward, briskly offering, “How can I help?”
“I don’t think you can.”
“That’s not true. There must be something I can do. Perhaps we could try some roleplay?”
Logan was fairly sure Trudy wasn’t propositioning him—especially after recent revelations—but he wasn’t clear on what she was offering. “Try what?”
Judging by the sparkle in her brown eyes, she was now definitely amused. “You pretend I’m Linda and tell me what you’re going to tell her. And I’ll respond as if I were your wife.”
It seemed to Logan that shrinks never ran out of crazy-ass ideas. He shook his head dismissively, protesting, “But you don’t know what she’s gonna say or how she’s gonna act. How’re you gonna play her?”
“Oh, we’ll try a number of different scenarios—anger, tears, pleading, accusations….”
Now it seemed clear to Logan that what Trudy was offering him was basically an hour of hell—on steroids. “Ma’am, I can’t…. That ain’t gonna work for me.”
Though she was clearly crestfallen, Trudy soon put her professional demeanor back on and said, “All right, it’s up to you. But we still have an hour here and two more weeks of court-ordered therapy. The question remains: how can I help?”
The ensuing silence stretched out for several dozen ticks of the clock before Logan finally screwed up his courage and told the truth. “I think I�
��d like to talk about Daisy.”
“Your sister?”
“Yeah. There was somethin’…. See, she kinda forced me to cover up for my brother over somethin’, but I don’t really wanta talk about what. What I wanta talk about is how I felt about her askin’…. Can we do it that way?”
“You know we operate under the rule of doctor-patient confidentiality here, Logan. You don’t have to be afraid—”
“It ain’t that,” Logan explained, failing to keep the exasperation from his voice. “I just don’t wanta talk about it. Okay?”
Trudy’s brow furrowed, but after a few moments of consideration, she said, “Okay. If that’s what you need.” Logan felt some of the tension leave his shoulders as his counselor encouraged, “So, go ahead. Tell me about your sister.”
When Logan walked out of Trudy’s downtown office forty minutes later, some of his burden had been lifted. Not by a miracle of psychiatry or self-analysis, not by any epiphany, but by having a simple plan of action. Trudy had readily approved of his plan to talk to Daisy when he took the Thunderbird to Elco to get it painted. She had even done her best to convince Logan that it was a good idea to confront both Linda and Daisy immediately.
Of course, her “rip the Band-Aid off” analogy hadn’t been his favorite pep talk ever, and he still thought putting off the trip to his hometown for a bit would be best for him. After all, neither Daisy nor the car was going anywhere. What was the rush?
LOGAN HAD expected to feel nervous—and God knew he was—but the dread that clawed at his nerves as he walked towards his old apartment building on Wednesday night was an unwelcome surprise. Linda had definitely been suspicious on the phone that morning, asking several times why they weren’t meeting at Dr. Gerard’s office like before. He’d dodged the question as much as possible, and Linda had finally given up and acquiesced to a private seven thirty p.m. get-together.
Though it was approaching quarter to eight, his feet seemed made of lead as Logan slowly climbed the stairs. Still, no matter how much he dawdled, the inevitable could only be delayed for so long, and he soon found himself perched uncomfortably on the edge of the sofa. Logan took a deep breath while he watched a grim-faced Linda set a cup of coffee in front of him. She seemed unfazed by a loudly purring Boots, who was weaving in and out between her legs.
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