Last night, their frat party had been the place of chaos. I’d come home, and apparently they hadn’t.
“There were two of them.” Sawyer glanced at Ashton with a gleam of remembrance in his eye. “One red, one blonde. Though neither was true based on the strip of hair between their legs.”
He chuckled and Ashton rolled his eyes. In the short time I’d been at the school, I’d come to learn that they did everything together, everything.
“I saw you leave with that blonde. Is she really a brunette?” Sawyer winked.
“Don’t know. Didn’t get that far. Walked her home and left her safe and sound.”
Sawyer put a hand to his chest. “You’re killing me. You’re ruining our reputation. Fuck the nice guy shit. You have your whole life for that. This is the time to spread your wings and fly, my friend.”
“She’s not that type of girl.”
Brie was beautiful, smart, and easy to talk to.
“So, she’s your girlfriend?”
“No,” I blurted.
We hadn’t gotten that far. Sure, we’d hung out, a lot actually. She was fun, and talking to her hadn’t felt like a chore. She told me a little about her family, but I’d shut down that conversation. I didn’t want to explain my home life. But I had told her it was just my dad and me.
“So, she’s not girlfriend material, and you’re not fucking her?” Sawyer asked.
“I didn’t say she wasn’t girlfriend material. We’re just cool, okay, a friend.”
Sawyer held up his hands, signaling for peace before glancing to Ashton. He made no comment.
“Hey, no worries, man. She’s hot, okay. And if you don’t tag that or snap her up, someone else will.”
The question was, what did I want? I had freedom. Did I really want to travel down the relationship path again? Would I have regrets if I didn’t spread my wings, like Sawyer suggested?
I liked Brie. If I were honest with myself, I liked her a hell of a lot. And that was too much even. It had only been a few months since my breakup with Lindsey.
It all came back to her. I’d trusted her and probably would have given her a kidney if she asked. Four fucking years had meant nothing to her as she slept with someone else. And I needed to let that shit go. Getting in another relationship didn’t seem like the right answer.
Later that night, I met Brie as planned. The smile she offered to me felt like a collar around my neck that began to squeeze. I swallowed, unable to think. I wanted this girl so bad it scared me. I’d talked to a few over the summer, and none of them had made me speechless like she did.
“I guess you like,” she said and spun around.
I did. Too fucking much. And could I really go through more disappointment when she found out there were guys ten times better than me?
“Yeah, you look great.”
She was dolled up in a dress that wasn’t a tent, but it did leave me with lots of questions about what was underneath. Damn, she was so my type if I ever had one. I licked my lips, having no idea what Brie’s expectations were. She might not even want a relationship. So why was I getting worked up over it? Damn Sawyer.
“Thanks,” she said, disarming me with her grin. “What do you have planned?”
Her expectations brought me out of my stupor. I couldn’t take her on a proper date. I’d spent my summer earnings on things I needed for college that the scholarship wouldn’t cover.
“I thought we could go to the concert on the quad.” A local indie band was playing, and it was free.
“That’s sounds great!” She took my hand and threaded my fingers through hers as we walked across campus.
I passed several people I knew, from teammates to classmates. They all glanced at our hands along the way. Brie had an extra bounce in her step. And her cheerfulness had always perked me up. Tonight it made me sweat. She’d passed friends as well and waved to them, never letting go of my hand.
As much as I liked her, I couldn’t be her boyfriend. Not then.
We made it to the middle of the crowd, the music not half bad. She danced, I watched. When the music slowed, she faced me. There it was again. She was so gorgeous I leaned down and kissed her. But I wanted more, so I brought her body close to mine. She was soft, where I was hard.
I couldn’t tell you how long we remained locked together. All I knew was she’d stepped back out of my grasp. She bit at the corner of her mouth, glancing shyly away. How pretty could one girl be?
“I should tell you something.”
Those words evoked fear in my gut. Nothing good ever happened when a girl said that as memory served.
Kissing her again was a means to stop that conversation. And it worked. By the time we parted, her lips were bruised from mine. In fact, as I walked her home, we barely spoke.
At her door, she couldn’t meet my eyes. It was obvious whatever she wanted to say earlier would come out.
She focused on her nails a few more seconds before she looked up at me.
“Chance, I, um…” There she went with biting the corner of her lip. Her eyes cast off, and I waited, wondering what she wanted to say. “I would invite you up, but I don’t want to lead you on.”
“Lead me on?” She nodded. “You think that I expect…” I couldn’t finish the sentence.
“It’s just you should know.” Her cheeks bloomed with color, and it was damn cute. It almost took the sting out of her thinking I was that guy. “I’m a virgin,” she blurted, turning a brighter pink.
I pushed the hair that had fallen in her face as she tried to hide behind it. “And you think that matters to me? That I’m only here to…”
My words fell short, mostly out of shock.
“I don’t know. Don’t most guys?”
“I can only speak for myself. And if I’ve made you think that...”
“You haven’t,” she spluttered. “I just thought you should know.”
My head was a riot of emotions. Sure, I wouldn’t have turned down getting naked with her. But I hadn’t expected it like it was a prerequisite for me going out with her that night. Mixed with anger and annoyance with myself, I silently walked her up to her room, but didn’t go inside.
“Are you sure you don’t want to hang out?” she asked.
Sure I did, a little too much. “I have practice in the morning.”
That didn’t mean I didn’t kiss her. Up against the wall, I held her in place by her hips. She relaxed in my hold. I slid my hand up her rib cage, but stopped just underneath the swell of her breast. Damn, I was in trouble.
Need like I hadn’t felt in ages crawled to the tip of my dick and beaded there in anticipation. That stopped me. Before I could do anything else, I waved and left.
But that night, I lay in bed with nuts for brains, covering my hands over my face. The girl was like cement. She stuck in my head with my eyes opened or closed.
She was a virgin. And what did that mean? She probably wanted a relationship?
Dad had preached about us being cursed. I didn’t want to be that love-struck guy again. I’d been so blind to everything, I couldn’t see beyond what I wanted.
I couldn’t trust what I felt for Brie. She was a distraction I didn’t need. I’d just gotten to school, and what had I done? I’d zeroed in on one girl like some lovesick fool. And really, I should be focused on grades and football to maintain my scholarship. Casual had been my game plan when it came to girls. Where had things gone astray? I needed to get things back on track. No girlfriends—that was the plan.
What should I tell her? How should I tell her? What did I have to tell her? We weren’t even together, were we? Did I owe her anything? All those questions became a storm in my head. I didn’t have any answers. One relationship was all the experience I had. And that had gone south epically.
I scrubbed a hand over my face. There were two possible plays: tell her the truth or take a step back and let things cool between us without words. By the time I closed my eyes, I still hadn’t made a decision.
It didn’t take much to get a party started. One mention of free beer and food, and people came forth to celebrate my boy’s birthday. When Kelley moved into the house at the start of junior year, everything changed. He’d grown up in Texas and could also relate to my less than stellar upbringing. We both had shit in our lives we could understand. Our dads both found comfort in a bottle. But with him here this year, I was no longer the third wheel.
“Channncce,” a girl slurred.
I looked down at the tiny thing with glassy dark eyes and a short dark haircut.
“Yeah, what’s up?” I said good-naturedly.
She lifted up on her toes and whispered into my ear, “You are soooo hot. I just had to tell you that.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. What else was I supposed to do? Of course I glanced at the door and saw Brie standing there. Every time I saw her she stole my breath. Her hair was no longer blonde, but the darker color had only made her look better.
She and Lenny walked in further with unhappy faces. I watched in dismay as Brie met my eyes for a second before she turned and exited the house.
“Excuse me,” I said, not wanting to be rude as I pushed my way through the crowd.
Kelley apparently saw Lenny come in because he beat me outside.
I jogged over to catch up with Brie. Reaching out, I stopped her midflight.
“Hey, where are you going?”
Her eyes hardened and I let her go. As if she needed a shield from me, she crossed her arms over her chest.
“Where am I going?” She laughed, but there wasn’t a smile on her face. “Away from here.”
She didn’t have to say she and Lenny had caught Kelley and me having a good time. And a part of me didn’t want to apologize. I wasn’t doing anything wrong.
“Look, just come inside and have some fun. Give me a chance. Give us one. You have to know by now I want you back.”
Irritation formed lines on her pretty face. “You’re never going to change, given what I saw in there. I’m not like those girls, Chance. All we can ever be is friends. So just stop, okay? I don’t want to hate you anymore.”
She said it loud enough that Kelley and Lenora turned to look at me. I scrubbed a hand down my face, biting back a reply that wouldn’t do anything but start an argument.
“Brie—”
Her sigh was enough to stop me from saying anything else.
“It’s too late anyway. I’m seeing someone else.”
Air constricted in my lungs, and I couldn’t draw a single breath.
“Who is he?” I grunted.
“That’s really none of your business. Besides, you left me to soil your oats.”
“I think the saying is sow your oats.”
Her brow shot up. “No, I meant exactly what I said. Soil.”
I wanted to push my tongue through my cheek. The urge to bite down was strong. Maybe she wanted to see me bleed.
“I deserve the same, to sow…”
I clamped my lips shut, unwilling to say anything else.
Lenny started to walk away from Kelley.
Brie turned to me. “I really have to go.”
I gave her a two-finger salute and watched her disappear into the night. Kelley’s face was drawn much the way I felt. When I reached him, I said, “What did she give you?”
He opened the box and inside sat a cupcake.
“What’s up with the butterfly?” I asked.
Shrugging, he said, “It could mean everything and nothing.”
He closed the box, and I trailed after him inside the house. Sawyer was in the middle of the room with a crowd around him. As I got closer, I saw he guzzled down can after can of beer.
“Clean up on aisle one,” I said to Kelley.
He tipped his head in my direction. Only my phone buzzed in my pocket. When I pulled it out, I saw that it was my dad calling. I took the stairs two at a time and, thank the party gods, no one was using my room as a fuck pad. The door closed with a click as my back rested against it.
“Chance.”
His words weren’t slurred, but the somber way my name left his mouth suggested he’d been drinking.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
Even though I’d run from that life with him, that I relished living away from home, I still worried about my dad every day.
“I haven’t been drinking.”
That relieved and worried me.
“What’s wrong?”
Had he lost his job? Was this a call before he headed on a bender? I had no car and no way to reach him before he did something stupid. And an Uber ride to get to him would cost me more than my bank account had.
“You remember Willy?”
How could I forget? He was one of the few friends Dad still had.
“He died.”
Shit.
“I’m sorry,” I said with no other words to offer.
“It got me to thinking.”
“How did it happen?” I blurted when I remembered something I could ask.
“Bad ticker they say. He was younger than me. And his wife is scrambling to find money to bury him.”
The people in our town didn’t have much, and most had less. “It got me to thinking about things. Things that maybe you should know.”
“Dad, nothing’s going to happen to you if you take care of yourself.”
“Your mother—”
“Let’s not talk about her.” My back left the door, and I found myself pacing.
When Dad reminisced about her, it was usually the time he’d start drinking.
“You shouldn’t hate her.”
“Why shouldn’t I?” Closing my mouth, I was suddenly sorry I snapped at my father. It wasn’t his fault.
“You don’t understand.”
“And what’s not to understand? She took off one day and never looked back.”
“I haven’t been totally honest with you,” he breathed so quietly, I might not have heard him correctly.
My footfalls stopped. Did he kick her out? Did I want to know that he was the reason Mom left?
“Do you remember that pony you wanted so badly?” he asked.
There were few things in my life I wanted. The black pony reminded me of a book my mother had read to me as a child. So when that pony had been brought to Grandad’s farm a few years before he passed on, I wanted it as if it would bring my mom back home.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Remember how wild it was? It broke out of the pen a few times until it finally got away.”
I could visualize standing in the pen, barely dawn out, staring at a broken fence, willing the pony back. Somehow I knew I would never see it again, like I wouldn’t see my mother.
“Yeah.”
“That was your mom. She was wild. She never wanted to stay in town. As our high school graduation approached, I could see it in her eyes. She was going to run.”
I didn’t dare speak, not knowing where this story was headed other than me. Somehow my being born would be a part of what he told me.
“I love her. I loved her so damn much.” His voice broke. And it was hard to hear my father cry. No matter how many times it happened, I felt a piece of me break inside, too. “I told her I’d pull out.”
“Jesus, Dad, I really don’t want to hear this.”
Hearing about my parents’ sex life was a total buzzkill.
“You have to. It’s the only way you’ll understand.”
Closing my eyes didn’t take the visuals out of my head. Mom left when I was old enough to remember exactly what she looked like.
As he continued, I wiped over my eyes as if I could scrub his words from my head. “And I did, but I wasn’t always as careful as I could have been.”
I didn’t ask about condoms, mostly because there were some things you didn’t want to know about your parents. But I also knew both had grown up dirt poor. Condoms would have been a luxury they couldn’t afford and couldn’t ask their parent
s for.
“So when she told me she was pregnant, I can’t say I was surprised or unhappy.”
“She was.” The words tumbled from my mouth automatically.
He didn’t answer me, only continued, “I pleaded with her not to go to some quack and get rid of you. We didn’t have money to go to the city and get it done right. We didn’t have money. Period. And whatever she had to barter to get some wannabe doctor to do it wasn’t worth her self-respect or so I pleaded. Finally, I told her to marry me and give it a year. If she still wanted to leave after that, I’d let her go.”
He expelled a long breath, and I tried to do the same.
“I don’t know if it was fear of dying on the table by a fly-by-night doctor, or her friends or her parents. But she agreed. We got married, and I had to find jobs to support us.”
There wasn’t a reason for him to continue with the story, as I knew the rest.
“Is that supposed to change my mind?”
“Chance?”
“No. She did leave. You stayed. You did your best to take care of me. She decided her life was more important than mine.”
“You don’t understand, son. She came back.”
I coughed out the word. “What?”
There was a long pause before he spoke again. “She came in the middle of your junior year. She asked for us to go travel the world with her.” I heard him swallow. “I explained that you’d made a life. You were playing football and had a girlfriend. I told her it wouldn’t be fair to ask you to leave everything you were doing for your future. Was I wrong?”
I remembered how his drinking had started to get worse around that time. Had his choice to let her go for me been the cause? Was I to blame? But there was something else I needed to know.
“She didn’t even try to see me,” I croaked out, emotion choking my words.
“She watched one of your games. She saw you with Lindsey and agreed with me it wouldn’t be fair to upset your life.”
I didn’t know if I was angry or not. “Why now?”
A friend of his died, yes. But that didn’t totally explain his confession.
“For the last two years, you haven’t needed me. I’ve used some of that time trying to find her. She said then that she still loved me. I needed to know if she still wants to see more of the world with me.”
Catching Fireflies Page 4