Midol.
"I can't figure his ass out," Renny said from my side, shaking his head as Lou let out a grumble, tossing over, burying her face in the back pillow cushions. "He picks at the women. Gets inappropriate with them. Gets punished by them. Does it again and again. Then plays nursemaid when it's shark week?"
"Getting rusty, man," I murmured, knowing it would irk him, maybe liking getting under his skin a bit since he liked getting under everyone else's.
"Reign'll get it all out of him," he told me, moving back toward his room which he'd had West cleaning all morning in anticipation of Mina getting back from some job Lo had her on for the past few weeks. It was why he was a bit more of an ass than usual. Word was, before Mina showed up, Renny could be downright intolerable at times. She'd managed to rein him in a bit. But the longer she was away, the more time he had to himself to fuck around and get lost in his head again.
"Stop staring at me," Lou growled, making me shock back into the moment, finding she had turned again, starting to glower at me.
"Eyes on the floor. Eyes on the floor," West's voice demanded quietly. "Back away quietly," he added, moving with me toward the door.
"I'm not a bear," Lou snapped at him.
"Of course not," West agreed in a placating voice as we moved out the front door. "Have some cookies," he added, quietly closing the door.
"You got sisters?" I asked, curious.
"Got one. And a mama. Aunts. Exes. You gotta give them junk food and space. Freddie likes pizza bagels," he added, making my brows shoot up.
"Good to know."
"And an extra sugar in her coffee. But she won't admit to that."
"Seriously, man, who the fuck are you?"
A slow, sly, foxlike smile was the only answer I got.
Yeah, Reign had to figure his ass out.
Freddie - 4 weeks
"Bitch, what is this?" Thad asked, waving a spatula at my jeans and t-shirt.
"An outfit?" I asked, brows drawing together.
"That is a 'I am comfortable in my new relationship' outfit. You better have something sexy on under it."
"Ty wears jeans and a tee every day," I objected. "Why are you cooking? I thought you had a date with Danny? Or was it Allen? Todd? Where are we in the rotation?"
"I'm taking the week off."
"The week off? From what? Being yourself?"
"Maybe you have inspired me to stop being such a slut, and find me a solid man of my own. I mean... they've all been solid," he added with a smirk. "But a steady one."
Steady.
I guess that was what we were.
It was hard to believe that it had been less than two months since we met, since I got free, since my life got set on a path I hadn't anticipated. One infinitely better than the one I had planned for myself.
"That's great, Thad," I told him, meaning it, loving the idea of my brothers finding someone steady in their lives. Though, from the sound of things, Colson hadn't even looked at a woman since Jelena came into the world. He might have been a lost cause until she was an adult and moved out. But I would settle for seeing Thaddeus finding love. The kind that came with more than one night in a row. Which, apparently, was against the rules of his rotation. No back-to-backs.
"What's it like?" he asked, head ducked to the side a bit as he watched me.
"What is what like?"
"Having love blooming and shit," he clarified. "And don't try to tell me you aren't falling. You know you are."
He wasn't wrong.
It seemed crazy to think of that word in relation to a man I had known for, objectively, a very short time.
But we had shared a lot. We'd shared everything. All our ups and downs. Almost every single one of our nights - whether at the clubhouse or my and Thad's apartment.
It had been an almost effortless progression of things. And, sure, at the beginning, I was maybe a bit curious if it was all the sex, the endorphins, the love hormones released during an orgasm. But as the weeks moved on and I found myself happy just to sit with him on a couch and watch some biker show on TV and have him tell me all the ways they'd screwed up the facts, or to bake dessert for him while he told me some more of the back stories of his brothers and the girls, I realized it was definitely more than just physical.
And how did it make me feel?
"Upside down," I decided. "I know that sounds weird, but he makes me feel like I am upside down. In the best way possible."
"Girl, get your Diana Ross on," Thad said, humming the song.
"That song is about being in love with a man who cheats on you," I reminded him.
"Don't be a killjoy. Alexa! Play "Upside Down" by Diana Ross," Thad demanded, cranking up the volume, grabbing my arm, dancing me around the kitchen.
And all I could think as we danced like a bunch of idiots was... I almost threw this all away. I had planned to throw it all away.
I was ready to give up beauty days with Thad and Jelena, lunch dates with Colson, nights in bed with Ty, knowing and having fun with the girls club, having a job I enjoyed and a boss I adored, cooking with my loved ones, showing my love like we had always done.
And dancing around the kitchen like a bunch of teenaged girls in their mirrors.
Maybe I had been wrong, after all.
Maybe I never had to be tough.
Just patient. Just open. Just understanding of the way life sometimes threw things at you for a reason, no matter how hard it may have been to see the reasons at the beginning.
There was a knock at the door.
And thinking it was maybe Ty who got back from a run early, I danced my way over, unlocking the door, pulling it open as I did a twirl.
Then nearly whacking my head against the side of the door at who was actually standing there.
Not Ty.
Or Colson and Jelly.
Not any of the girls. Or the guys.
Not even the neighbor down the hall with pre-read magazines.
Nope.
It was a person I was sure I would never see again. And maybe even a person I hoped not to see again.
Auntie May.
She didn't show the years on her face. It was still as unlined as it had been the last time I had seen it - telling her I would help her cook dinner on the day my entire life was thrown off its axis. Her hair was different, shorter, thinning just the slightest bit behind her bangs. She seemed thinner, too. But she had the same eyes. Sharp. All-seeing. All-judging.
A box was nestled in her arms, another on the floor at her feet.
"Who is at my door when I am trying to get my freak o... well," Thad started then cut off, all the joy seeming to drain from him at once.
There was not a single person I had met who was more accepting of themselves as Thaddeus was. All the good, the bad, the lovely, the not so pretty. He saw all of himself and loved it regardless of what society said. Nothing and no one could make him question himself.
Or so I thought.
I hadn't been around for their fallout. When Thad finally told the world what those closest to him had always known. We hadn't gotten around to discussing it either. And I guess I had been right in assuming it was a sore subject.
Because nothing stole Thad's joy.
Except our aunt.
"Alexa, off," he demanded, grabbing the edge of the door above my head, holding it steady. It was a silent way of saying there was no way in hell he was letting that woman into his home. "Last time I saw you, I believe you said something about how you would show up at my door when hell freezes over."
"I am not here because I want to be," Aunt May declared, voice as intimidating as I remembered it being. It was funny how it still had me wanting to curl my shoulders forward, make myself smaller, shrink away from her. Ten years away where I had become a grown woman. But I still felt like her presence made me small.
"Then you're here because?" Thad asked. His tone sounded unaffected, bored even. Only I knew it was a front.
"I have had these boxes
cluttering up my garage for ten years now. I want them out of my house."
Just like she never wanted any of us in her house again.
It shouldn't have, but it still smarted. Not as much as it would have a decade ago, but enough.
"Good. You dropped them off. Go on and head out. You have made it clear you want nothing to do with any of us. What was the phrase again? Something about being ungrateful and an embarrassment."
"If you're expecting me to say anything different..." Aunt May started to speak.
"Tigers don't change their stripes. Cheetahs don't change their spots. And old, bitter, unhappy women don't change their minds," Thad cut her off.
"I did everything for you," she insisted.
"Except accept us. And love us," Thad shot back.
"How can someone love a rock in their shoe?"
"How da..." Thad started.
"No," I cut him off, shaking my head. "It's not worth the anger. Not anymore. Aunt May, I hope you live a long, healthy life. In your lovely, empty house. And I pray your self-righteousness can keep you warm. And your superiority can be the steadiest of friends. And when you find yourself all alone in that life you built for yourself, I hope you don't know the bitter taste of regret for pushing away your family just because they didn't turn out how you wanted them to."
To that, Aunt May had nothing to say. Really, what was there she could say? She dropped the box down on the other then stormed away, her low heels clicking on the linoleum floor in the same way they had when she had first walked into that child services building the night we met her.
Poetic, that.
"Girl, prison changed you. Made you all wise and shit," Thad said, giving me a small smile as we moved inside, closing the door in what felt like a very final way.
"Wise," I snorted, shaking my head. "This morning, I almost brushed my teeth with triple antibiotic," I told him with a self-deprecating laugh. "When you came out, it was bad, wasn't it?"
"Well, it wasn't all rainbow flags and happy tears, boo. But I didn't expect it to be anything other than what it was. We always knew she was close-minded about this shit."
"Was it as bad for Colson?" I asked since he was in a talking mood.
"Only after he made it clear he wasn't going to put a ring on it. You never met Jelly's mama, but she was a hot mess. Always stepping out on him. Always screaming and throwing shit. He was smart not to shackle himself to that. I mean, you know Colson, he planned to take care of both of 'em. But he had no plans to make it official. Which, clearly, was the right move."
"She hasn't had any contact?" I asked, my heart hurting for Jelena, even though I knew Colson and Thad had done everything in their power to make sure she didn't feel that loss.
"Last Colson heard from her, she was out in California chasing movie stars like she has a chance of getting a sugar daddy or some shit. Not even any birthday cards for Jelly."
"What does she say?"
"Jelly?" Thaddeus clarified. "She doesn't really bring it up. But she told me once that she thinks her daddy needs a mommy to make him happy. Don't get that sad look," he demanded. "You know they are both happy in their lives."
"But they could be happier."
"In a way, everyone could be happier. Except maybe you," he added, giving me a sly look. "You are all glowing and shit. If I knew love would be so good for the complexion, I might have tried it years ago."
Virgin - 2 months
"I'm not scared," Freddie taunted, hopping around on her toes like some stereotypical boxer in a movie, head dipping up and down, hands curled into fists.
A mix of cardio kickboxing classes with her brother and a few trips to Lo and Janie's gym where she'd taken some lessons from Pagan had her get this idea of trying to fight me in her head.
"I'd rather you sparred with the girls," I insisted. "I don't want to hurt you."
"Lo said I'm not going to get better if people treat me with kid gloves."
I imagined Pagan had been careful with her. Not because he objected to going full-force with one of the women, but because he knew I would be pissed if he did with my woman.
"And since someone sent out some mass text or something about not wanting any of the guys to bruise me, I haven't been allowed to really practice with a guy. How am I going to learn to defend myself against one if no one will practice with me?"
Alright, that was a fair argument.
"You won't need to defend yourself," I shot back. "I got you."
Freddie's arms dropped, her eyes going small.
"Okay. I know it is like... forbidden to even say her name anymore, but from what I hear, there was not a single girl more trained or more protected than Ferryn. She was still taken. Held. Forced to endure who-knows-what. I'm not saying that you can't - for the most part - protect me. But I want to know how to protect myself in case something ever happened when I was at work. Or alone in the apartment. Or walking home after getting my hair or nails done. I don't want to be at someone else's mercy because no one would teach me, Ty. You have to admit that this lifestyle comes with certain risks."
I was painfully aware of that fact.
I had never given the risks a thought before.
It was part of the life. It was part of what drew men to it. The excitement. The unknown. The chance to need to defend yourself at any given moment.
If we weren't - at least in part - adrenaline junkies, we'd have pursued normal jobs.
Accountants.
Electricians.
Physical education teachers.
And it was all well and good when all we had to worry about was our own asses, those of our brothers who also willingly, happily went into the lifestyle.
Everything changed when it was no longer about you and your brothers.
I'd been raised up to be accepting of the fickle hands of fate.
I learned to figuratively and literally roll with the punches.
Very little managed to spark anger.
And the idea of anxiety was a foreign thing.
Until Freddie came along.
Until it wasn't, for the first time, just my life who my actions impacted.
Suddenly, all my mind was filled with was these asinine worst-case-scenario fears.
Like what would happen if we were raided and she was in the clubhouse. Guns and illegal money. She could be pulled in and charged. Go to prison again.
I wouldn't be able to fucking live with myself if that happened, if I did to her what her ex had, took more of her life away.
Or what would happen if there was some new, unknown enemy in the shadows, catching me and her walking down the street unaware sometime, popping out of a dark alley with a gun.
What might they do to her to make me pay?
What if this went where I had a sneaking suspicion this was heading - meaning somewhere serious - and we did the house and the ring and the kid thing. And I caught a bullet like my old man did, leaving her on her own with kids to raise?
It was constant.
And, thus far, uncontrollable.
I wanted to think I could be all she'd need. That I could shield her from anything. But that was my ego speaking. The reality was, she did need to be prepared, trained, capable of defending herself.
She was right.
Aside from some of the women who trained her, there was no one more prepared for any situation than Ferryn. Yes, she was still taken, plucked up off the streets like an untold number of women who would never be seen again save for when they were drugged and raped by John after John.
Nothing could stop bad from happening sometimes.
But time spent training for any situation meant you had a chance of surviving it, getting free of it.
Like Ferryn had.
If I was going to pull Freddie into my life, I owed it to her to give her every skill I possibly could.
No matter how much I didn't like the idea of putting my hands on her in a way that would leave marks.
"Okay," I agreed, nodding, watching as
her eyes went wide.
"Okay?" she asked, clearly thinking I was going to make her beg.
"Yep. Rule number one..." I started, but then charged at her, grabbing her arm, twisting her around, anchoring an arm around her middle, yanking her up off her feet. "You gotta be prepared for anything," I told her as she kicked her legs straight out. Like most people would do in the same position. "Don't pick up your legs," I told her, dropping her down so her soles touched the ground again. "Use all your momentum to kick off the ground, shoot yourself upward. If you do it soon enough and with enough force, you can break a man's hold. Then it is an elbow to the midsection," I told her, waiting for her to twist to demonstrate. "And, finally, a couple hard-as-fuck closed fists to the cock. Then you haul ass away."
This was stuff the girls would teach her once she was fully adopted in. She'd be dragged up to Hailstorm, be put in every possible situation. Grab from behind. Chokehold. Hair grab. Wrist grab. Rape position.
Then once she managed to break away from whoever was teaching her, someone else would step up. Then another. And another. Until she bested them all. Then and only then was she deemed trained.
And by then, there would likely be another new girl in the club to train.
An hour later, her tee was damp with sweat, her breathing harsh, hard, her eyes frustrated, but determined, as I slammed her back against the floor in the rec room - or whatever the fuck Reign wanted to call the room that was supposed to house all the prospects that we had co-opted to use for this session - trying not to wince at the crack of her body on the hard floor.
My hands circled her wrists, pinned up above her head on the floor, my upper body curved over hers, the only part of us touching being my pelvis crushing hers down.
The move was simple.
She'd done it a dozen times already with varying levels of success.
She needed to pull up her legs, knees to chest, press her feet into my hipbones with force, enough to shoot pain through my system, make me let her wrists go, allow her more range of motion to keep hitting, kicking, get me down so she could get up and run.
Her feet lifted up off the floor.
But paused, lifted up too high, wrapping around my lower back, clamping tight as her hips lifted up, doing a roll, grinding up against me.
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