“Unfortunately there are still assholes. Really though, we’ve got a lot lower volume of stuff now. The legal arm of the org is nearly the only thing still going these days. All the activism and donations have kind of dried up. I honestly don’t know if we’re still going to be around in a year.”
A waiter came by to deliver Jessie’s drink. She took a small sip and stirred the glass with the straw. Her eyes turned down and shifted back and forth. Roselyn knew that look. She knew it from years of working where she did and they only got more frequent since New Years.
“So, are-”
“Oh, I’m straight,” Roselyn said, “I work there because I believe in the cause and it pays okay, but I’m a heterosexual, cisgender woman.”
She paused.
“She said with a penis between her legs while on a date with another woman.”
Jessie burst out laughing. If she had just taken a drink it would have been all over the table. She inhaled in sharp breaths and waved her fingers in front of her neck. A few people at neighboring tables peered over.
“I’m sorry!” she gasped as she tried to regain her breath, “I don’t know why that’s so funny!”
“Don’t worry about it,” Roselyn said with a bemused smile.
Jessie swallowed in a huge gulp of air and held it for four seconds. She set her palms on the table and exhaled one drawn-out breath.
“Hooo, okay. I’m okay now,” she said and brushed her hair back with her fingers. “That’s actually the next question I was going to ask: what do gay people think about how people are identifying and stuff?”
“Everyone’s all over the map, honestly. Some people are happy it’s not a thing anymore and some people are mad at the idea of straight people co-opting LGBTQ culture. But then other people say those people are actually just coming out and then other people say that sexual orientation and gender identity never really existed in the first place. It’s a whole mess.”
“Huh, interesting,” Jessie said and took another sip. She cut it short.
“Oh, yeah, I guess I should say that I’m a straight woman too. Or, you know, was.”
“I kind of figured with your profile and outfit.”
“Yeah, I can’t tell when it’s rude to ask or tell someone that. It’s a little tougher with a more unisex name like mine. I feel I’ve tended to wear more dresses this last year so people don’t get the wrong idea. Maybe it’s easier for you with a name like Rahz-lin.”
Roselyn rotated a coaster on the table.
“Actually,” she began, “I probably should have said earlier but it’s pronounced ‘Rose-eh-lin.’”
“Oh my gosh, I’m sorry!” Jessie gasped and put a hand to her mouth.
“No, I should have said something earlier, but I kinda stopped myself.”
“Why’s that?”
“Well, I, uh,” Roselyn fidgeted with the coaster and leaned her neck into her shoulder, “I wasn’t sure how the date was going to go. I didn’t want to waste a correction on a bad date.”
“Oh,” Jessie said and held the bottom of her cup with both hands, “So, uh, you think the date’s going well then?”
“Yeah. I mean, do you think so?”
“Definitely! I’m just really bad at gauging this stuff. Every time I meet a new person I think we’re best friends after five minutes. In dating I’m even worse.”
“You do seem pretty, um, enthusiastic.”
“Aww, you don’t need to be that nice,” Jessie giggled and looked down. She peered up and found Roselyn already looking into her eyes. They both stopped moving. They each felt embarrassed but not enough to look away.
“So, do you want to continue the date?” Roselyn asked.
Tweetstorm
User @thahothand
Tuesday June 19, 169 days after
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
Oh my god you will not BELIEVE the conversation that's happening next to me at this coffee shop 1/a million probably
3:30 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
So this chick walks in lookin like she just got done burning Nic Cage alive in the wicker man. I'm talking full commune getup
3:31 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
Flower crown, barefoot, an honest to god crystal pendant. Definately a healing crystal
The flowing robes, the grace, the hair... striking
3:32 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
She comes in and sees this guy in one of those suits that business dudes are wearing now. Probably got it tailored January 2
3:32 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
Got some of those nice shoes with just a little bit of lift.
Just a liiiiiiiitle bit of lift.
3:33 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
Soo Moonbeam sees Gordon Gecko and comes in for the hug. Holds on a little to long. Gettin a good look at the color of his aura.
3:34 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
And she's all "Hey Peter" and he goes "Hey Gary, haven't seen you in a while" and she like "I'm going by Summer now"
3:35 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
And I'm like okay a lot of prisms doing that these days/ I know one bud of mine likes Leslie now. Dude's fuckin killing it.
3:36 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
Side note: Leslie still likes "he" I guess some dudes are named Leslie, but ¯_(ツ)_/¯
3:37 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
So anyway Pete's all 'Oh chill I didn't know you chose a new name" and Summer goes "Oh no, it was assigned to me"
3:38 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
*extreme zoom in on Pete's face*
What.
3:39 PM - 21 Jun w
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
My earbuds are all the way off at this point by the way.
3:39 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
Summer: Yeah all the new initiates are assigned names by the coven mother."
WELL HOT DAMN WE"VE GOT A COVEN MOTHER
3:40 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
"Celeste thinks its important for new members to be bestowed a new naem to break from their old lives and be fully born into womanhood."
3:41 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
First of all: A coven mother named Celeste? *italian chef kiss*
3:42 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
PEte: So you'e in some kind of """"""""cooperative living situation"""""""""?
Dude's trying so hard not to say cult
3:42 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
And she goes "Yeah I've been in The Sisterhood for two months now."
3:43 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
"The Sisterhood"? Really? There's no fucking way that got the trademark on that at this point.
Cults have to get trademarks, right?
3:44 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
So Summer drones on for a while about the commune. Prayer circles, vegetable gardens, all that jazz.
I forgot how boring cults are
3:45 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
S: It's been great. I mean, after all thse years don't you wish you could throw it all away and get back in touch with nature?
Pete: ...No.
3:46 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
I'm about to lose interest in her talking about their chard harvest until she gets to this little exchange:
3:47 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thah
othand
S: So I'm with my cycle
P: Cycle?
S: Yeah we're put in groups of 8, one for each phase of the moon. To make more daughters for the goddess
3:48 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOLY SHIT
3:48 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
So now I think I've got Celeste clocked. She was probably some PUA or something an this is her scheme to get a bunch of hippie chicks.
3:49 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
Pete's finally pushing back at this point, asking her if she really believes all this stuff about a moon goddess and shit
3:50 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
And Summer goes "Of course. Do you think it's a coincidence that The Rebirth (SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH) happend on a full moon on New Year's Day?"
3:51 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
Pete doesn't have an answer for that.
Actually I don't either
These kinda guys always have ONE good point they can stick to.
3:52 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
So Petes looking for any excuse to pull the ripchord on this conversation.
Hey it's good talking to you, the guys at the firm miss you etc
3:53 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
And Summer goes: Wait, weren't you going to listen to my pitch?
PEte: Pitch?
Summer: Yeah, for investing in the crystal jewelry?
3:54 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS TRYING TO GET INVESTORS FOR HER COMMUNE'S ETSY SHOP!
3:54 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
I AM BARELY KEEPING IT TOGETHER
3:55 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
Pete pulls some kinda goddamn judo shit to avoid saying no to her. Dude's been in the game far too long to put up with this nonsense.
3:55 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
So Pete ejector seats out of the store as soon as he can but can't dodge the goodbye hug.
3:56 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
It is significantly shorter this time.
3:56 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
Moon Unit is pretty goddamn pissed at this point but is a good enough girl scout to hand out a few pamphlets before she leaves
3:57 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
AND GUESS WHO GOT SOME LITERATURE?
3:57 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Sixers in Seven @thahothand
So who wants to check out the commune!? I'm pretty sure I've got a tambourine around here somewhere!
3:58 PM - 21 Jun 2018
Christmas Shopping
Colonial Park Mall
Harrisburg, PA
Sunday December 9, 342 days after
Susan clutched five shopping bags in one hand and Charlie’s hand in the other. He was keeping pace, but just barely. He’d been remarkably patient up to this point but that somehow just made her more anxious. The other shoe was going to drop any second now, she just knew it.
She’d completed all her shopping for her husband and her other children. Shopping for her three sons for Christmas had always been rough but this year had been something else. There was no way she possibly could have grasped what young people were wearing these days. Even with the increased number of salespeople at the shops giving advice she just knew the cut or color would be wrong and Ethan or Donavan would gripe that they couldn’t possibly wear it without being laughed out of school. At least shopping for her husband had been simple enough. Even after The Shift she could still buy him a tie for Christmas. The streak remained unbroken.
The truth was she had only bought the gifts that wouldn’t be labeled “From Santa.” Charlie was young enough to still believe in Santa but old enough to put two and two together. There’d have to be another trip later for the last few gifts. It would have been easier to leave Charlie at home, but he needed to be there for the last errand.
“Are we gonna do Santa next?” Charlie asked and tugged on her hand.
“Yep, we’re going right there. You’ve been a real trooper, haven’t you, Charlie-Bun? Mommy’s really proud of you.”
The response seemed to placate him. She figured she might squeeze another half-hour out of him before he got grumpy.
They approached the Santa Village where an appropriately cheerful elf greeted them.
“Welcome to Santa’s Village! Are you here to take a picture with Santa?”
“Yes, thank you.”
“Would you like a more traditional experience or a more modern one?”
Susan blinked a few times.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“In our left line you can take your picture with Santa like you always have at our village or you can go to the right and do something a little more contemporary.”
Susan wondered if they had a black and a white Santa they were talking around.
“Excuse me, I’m not sure I…”
The elf peered down at Charlie then leaned in close to Susan’s ear, dropping the act.
“We’ve got a Pre-Shift Santa and a Post-Shift Santa.”
“Oh! I didn’t realize you had, uh,” she looked down and leaned in herself, “What’s the Pre-Shift Santa like?”
“The beard’s as good as it was last year and she has a real deep voice. It’s real convincing,” the elf whispered.
She leaned back and surveyed the two lines. The one on the right was much longer. She noticed Charlie was starting to do his little impatient dance.
“I think we’ll do the traditional photo, thanks.”
“Great, the wait will be around 15 minutes,” the elf said.
The two walked down the line past a few switchbacks until they reached the end of the queue.
Susan dropped the bags, let go of Charlie’s hand, and shook her arms. She craned her neck to one side and heard an audible pop.
“Where’s Santa?”
“He’s just at the end of this line Charlie-Bun,” Susan said and massaged her neck, “Just another ten minutes, okay?”
The person in front of her turned over their shoulder.
“Long day of shopping?”
“Yeah, we’re just about done.”
“He’s your son?”
“He is, yeah.”
“And you’re his…”
The person looked over Susan’s wine-red pea coat.
“Mother,” Susan said.
He seemed relieved and turned more towards her. He was wearing one of those buttons, the one from that Pink Floyd album cover with the prism on it. She’d seen a few holdouts wearing them, but like most of them his outfit was getting the point across just fine.
“That’s good to hear,” he said, “It’s good to see some parents who aren’t letting things change for their kids.”
She looked down to see his son – she had to presume – with his hair cut so short as to nearly be bald.
“Mmm-hmm,” she nodded with just enough eye contact.
“Have you seen some of the commercials they’ve put out now,” he continued, “The ones with this new version of…him.”
“No, I guess I haven’t.”
“It’s ridiculous. These kids are having enough trouble as it is. They don’t need some ad executives shoving some new version of him down kids’ throats.”
“Right.”
“At least this mall’s giving us the option. I’m not going to let anybody ruin Christmas for my boy.”
Susan performed her best conversation ending smile and he eventually turned back around.
She stood for a minu
te longer before the line advanced. She checked her phone.
“Oh gosh, it’s later than I thought,” she announced just loud enough. She scooped Charlie into her arms. “Sorry kiddo, we’re going to have to see Santa some other day.”
Her escape was fast enough that Charlie didn’t start crying until she nearly reached the entrance.
“I wanna see Santa!” he bawled.
She rounded the corner and plopped him down in the other line.
“It’s okay baby,” she said, “It’s okay Charlie, we’re going to see Santa.”
“But you said…”
“I’m sorry, Mommy made a mistake. That line was for a fake Santa.”
“A fake one?”
“Yes, they tried to trick Mommy into going into the wrong line, but she’s too smart. She knows who the real Santa is.”
“Are you sure?” Charlie asked and wiped his nose.
“Yes Charlie-Bun, I’m very sure.”
Article
September 15 Edition
Time Magazine
Saturday September 8, 250 days after
Study Sheds Light on New Patterns of Sexual Attraction
A new study published by Northwestern University is the first major investigation about human attraction to be published since The Shift and suggests the global event has affected our minds as much as our bodies. The study, headed by psychology professor Paresh Rathwa, studied a group of nearly 800 subjects across all sexual orientations and genders and found nearly everyone was affected in some way.
“This study is unique in that it straddled the initiation of The Shift,” says Rathwa, “The initial trails finished in December. We thought we had collected all our data and were ready to begin publishing but then The Shift occurred. Luckily we managed to bring back nearly all our subjects to run them through the trails again.”
Participants in the trails were hooked up to electronic sensors that detected blood flow to the genitals and were then shown visual stimuli to gauge their response. The study was initially intended to compare self-reported orientation with physical reaction, but the focus was redirected after The Shift.
The Shift: Scenes from the Year Humanity Lost Sex Page 6