by Deacon Rie
Unsettled by Ray's comfort, Stephen shot back, "Right. Like I said, I'm here because I have to be here. My CO told me to be here."
"Stephen, you're formally separated from the Army now. I'm here as a favor for a mutual friend but you're here as a guest. Nobody is forcing you to be here. You don't report to Colonel Hayes anymore."
Stephen noted that Ray didn't call him by his last name, the typical military method of reference. "Well, if you know Colonel Hayes then you know separation from service does nothing to slow him down from giving orders." Stephen replied with a lighthearted smile.
"Yes. Yes, I can appreciate that. Colonel Hayes is not a man easily said no to. But commanders often resort to giving orders when their strong suggestions get ignored." Ray's tone was not accusing but he didn't mince words.
Stephen ignored the reminder of how long he had blown off Colonel Hayes' request that he meet with Ray. After hastily completing the post-combat debrief sessions during his physical recovery, Stephen had reasoned there wasn't much left to talk about.
"I overheard the receptionist calling you when I arrived. So you're a doctor?" Stephen looked around the room again. There were no plaques on the walls, no degrees, no certifications.
"It's not a medical degree."
"So a PhD? You're one of those academic types. Lots of schooling under the belt?"
Not wanting to distract from the conversation, Ray cracked the window of his educational career and closed it just as quickly. "Some things philosophy. Some things theology, if you're resume curious."
"Theology? So, you're a preacher?" Stephen was beginning to see the bigger picture of why his commander so strongly suggested the visit.
"Guilty, as charged." The tone of Ray's response mirrored Stephen's speed and directness. He continued, "That doesn't bother you does it? Should I ask how long it's been since you attended a church?"
Unsure if the question was actually a question or more of a mocking of the question's stereotype, Stephen paused and leaned back, purposefully giving the chair time to let out a long screech before deciding to take the bait. "No. But my mother does. She loves it and I'll admit there seem to be plenty of nice people there." Feeling a twinge of guilt and unsure of where it came from, he defensively added sarcastically, "So, maybe I'm here for a sermon?"
"Well, I only preach on Sundays. Today being a Friday, I do believe you are out of luck. But I'm pretty sure you didn't come here to hear a sermon either. Did you, Stephen?"
The smile which emerged over Ray's face was comforting and almost, brotherly. Stephen relaxed with a shrug and said, "Obviously not. Colonel Hayes is not just my former commander. He's from the San Antonio area so he was around the hospital a good bit during my recovery at BAMC. We picked up a friendship along the way. He's just being protective after everything that happened in Iraq and since coming home."
"You've had some struggles since your deployments?"
"What? Which part? You mean recovering from getting blown up, shot, catching concrete boulders, losing a job or fighting my daughter's cancer?" Stephen didn't even attempt to contain his sarcasm this time. "No, no real struggles. I'm all good, doc."
Ray nodded, leaned back in his chair and interlocked his fingers across his stomach, physically suggesting to Stephen that it was still his turn to speak.
Subconsciously receiving the instruction, Stephen continued dismissively. "I get that everyone is concerned about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I did the debrief, sat through the lectures, even read the brochures. We've all had our struggles, right? I've got my life and it has its problems, the same as anyone else does. Besides, I know guys who have it a lot worse than I do. Guys who left more of themselves over there than they brought back." Stephen's words trailed off as he thought about the ambush on that Iraqi roadside.
"But PTSD is not something you're really worried about, is it?" Ray interjected.
"You ever seen any action, doc? Should I call you doc, maybe prof? I'm a little lost here."
"Ray is fine."
"Sure. So what about you, Ray? Any time in theater?"
Ray was carefully reserved with his response. "A little."
Stephen caught the aloofness and called him on it. "Come on, go ahead and humor me. This is unofficial, right? So it's okay to have a two-way road here."
Ray gave a satisfied smile and took in a breath with pursed lips in consideration of just how much he was willing to divulge to this new patient; who like many, did not consider himself a patient. "Last action I saw was Panama, oh… late '80's, I believe."
Genuinely curious Stephen replied, "Panama?"
"Yeah. I got a chance to spend Christmas time down there. They sent us Rangers in to snag a base in Rio Hato."
Stephen thought about Mayweather, "Rangers. Holy crap, I really can't get away from you guys, can I?"
"Say again?" Ray said with a perplexed look.
“Nothing. So you were combat arms?”
Ray sat back with a pleasing memory panning across his vision. “Yep. 11-Bravo. I’m an infantryman, through and through.”
"Well that's something I can appreciate." Stephen said with a notably more relaxed tone.
"That may have something to do with Colonel Hayes being so adamant about us meeting." Ray unclasped his hands and leaned forward in his chair. "So you see, Stephen. Maybe I'm someone who can appreciate, if even just a fragment, the difficulties you faced over there and the challenge it may be for you to come back from that type of world, while attempting to forge on over here, at home. Warriors, we're good at what we do. But we're not always best at leaving our work at the office."
Stephen straightened his chair, corrected his posture and looked across the desk. His gaze looked behind the rimless lenses to meet compassionate eyes extending an invitation of friendship.
Ray broke the chill forming in the air, "It's been a tough road, hasn't it?"
"Of course, it has. But which of us hasn't had a tough road? Besides the adventures of life, the economy's been in the crapper and it doesn't look like its getting better anytime soon."
"But your daughter, she's doing better?"
Recognizing the counselor had done his homework and would have been given access to certain personnel files and commander reports, Stephen rested his guard and resolved himself to the fact that Ray certainly knew a lot about him already. Besides, the thought of his daughter brought a smile to his face.
"Right, Hailey. She's our nine year old. Yes, she's doing much better. We finished off her last treatments recently and they were pretty rough this time. It was harder than the first time around. A lot more nausea and sleepless nights."
"But you got a chance to be next to her during the rough parts?" Ray added a nugget of gold to remind Stephen of things he could count as blessings.
"Yeah. Plus she's older now and we had more support."
Ray injected to keep Stephen talking, "An elementary school girl has a lot more friends than a toddler does."
"Exactly. People from her class that we didn't even know were visiting her. She and my wife, Sarah, also have friends at my mother's church now, Hailey has a Sunday school class she's in and those families were really sweet. They've been a huge help."
"Sounds like your wife and daughter are part of that community. So it's not just your mother's church anymore?"
Stephen laughed, "I guess not. Apparently, this Jesus thing is infectious. But don't try to convert me, Father. I'm vaccinated."
Ray lifted his arms as if showing he was unarmed. "I only preach on Sundays." They both gave a brief laugh. "But your mom's church and all that stuff, it's not something you're interested in?"
"No, not in the least. It's safe to say you won't find me walking into a church on purpose."
"That's perfectly fine.” Ray responded unobtrusively. “But I heard you emphasize how much the people from the church were a huge help. Was there more?"
"Yeah, they've been an encouragement for all of us, certainly. Through the toughest months of
the treatments, Sarah took over Hailey's day-to-day care. I was able to make most of the doctor appointments, but I really needed to hit it hard to get this new business we started off the ground."
Stephen continued, "A few months ago, my mother introduced to me to a guy from her church. I think she said he was a deacon or something. Regardless, this guy is a really successful businessman. He built a small empire out of repairing eighteen wheeler trucks."
"Impressive." Ray said.
"I was impressed, that's for sure." Stephen continued, "Well, this guy gave me all kinds of time. We went for coffee and gave me tons of advice: how to set up the business, form a company legally, what type of insurance to get, all the business sort of stuff I never used to pay attention to, but he knew I needed it. Then he started inviting me to lunch with other people, real estate developers that he knew."
"He helped you network? That had to be good."
"It was golden. These were exactly the type of people I wanted to meet. They were the ones who could help us get the business going." Stephen sounded reassured, almost as if he were about to get excited about how this story played out, but his voice trailed as he finished his words. "It just hasn't entirely worked out that way yet."
"But it still sounds like this guy was a major help." Ray assured.
"He was. As a result, we have an official, registered real estate appraisal company: S&S Commercial Appraisers, LLC."
"S&S… for Stephen and Sarah?" Ray said while his eyebrow tilted in a show of curiosity.
"Yeah. I know, I know. But it's real estate appraisal. It's not a marketing company."
"Hey, hey. There ain't no judgment on creativity here. If I had a private practice it would likely be called, Counselor Ray's Private Practice."
"Counselor Ray's Private Practice, LLC." Stephen suggested.
"Probably." Ray agreed. "But then, being a military guy, I'd have to make an acronym out of it."
“And if you hired others it would have to be Counselor Ray and Associate’s Practice.” Stephen smiled. "Kinda invites people to bring their, uhm, their crap to you. Doesn't it?"
They paused for a moment before a burst of joint laughter erupted through the room. Jovial tones of relief emerged from both men; Ray's propelled by the pleasure of seeing his patient relax and let out a good laugh, while Stephen's came from a unexpected release of pent up emotion.
Wiping a tear of laughter from his eye, Ray said, "Okay, okay. Now that we’ve made it clear we both suck at marketing, back to your business. That's a pretty good start you guys have there, Stephen. So what's S&S doing today?"
Stephen's previous cheer evaporated and his voice trailed lower to nearly a mumble, "Well, you know. Things are still tough and the economy makes it even more difficult to find work. But I'm working. Early morning starts and tireless days do enough to keep food on the table. It's good though. I think we're building a descent reputation from the referral business I'm getting."
"Any recharge time for you in all that work?"
"Not at the moment, no. But I'm working on that too. Trying to find ways to make extra income by duplicating my efforts, and maybe sooner than later I'll find a way to balance it all out."
"Duplicating your efforts?" Ray inquired.
"Yeah. I'm hiring subcontractors to work for me. I know some really good people in my industry who need work. They're not willing to completely go out on their own and start their own company, but they'll take work when it comes around. A little guidance from me and I send them off on the jobs that I can't get to. I've got a few people I'm keeping busy close to forty hours a week now."
Ray sensed that Stephen seemed to talk a little faster as he described working with his contract employees. There was a pleasure point that was subtle, but identifiable. Ray decided to prod it along further, "So you're getting a chance to pour into others? Is that something you enjoy?"
"I think I do. I have some of them working on business development, and others focus on appraisals. A lot of them are getting stretched because I can't double-check all of their work like a large corporation might. Some like that freedom but others get freaked out by it. I enjoy watching them discover something new about themselves and then I just make sure they stay on track. Yeah, you could say it's rewarding."
"And all of them are full-time advocates for S&S?" Ray pointed out.
"Yeah, I think so. I sure hope so."
Taking a soft, slow turn Ray steered Stephen into the more personal depths of what motivated him, "So how does Sarah feel about S&S?"
"She gets it. She's on board." Stephen said flippantly.
"And you guys get along fine despite the hours away?"
"Yeah, of course. I mean, don't get me wrong. We've had our problems before." Stephen admitted, "Plenty of times in the past where we struggled to stay in the same room together without breaking into a cage match."
"But better now?"
"Yeah, I guess so. Getting better. I think we've come a long way. I'm not really sure what happened or when it even happened but at some point, it seems like she just really started to be my fan again."
"Out of the blue? What did that do for you?"
"I'm not sure I've thought about that before. It just sort of happened one day."
"Then this may be a good time. How does it feel to have Sarah as your biggest fan?"
"Honestly, it makes it harder for me to get mad at her. I think I did start to realize, a little while back, that there were times I was just looking for a fight. It used to be that I would have this whole plan of attack ready to go before we even started arguing. So I'm ready with an arsenal, ready to unload on her. Then it was like, I would say something and she just didn't respond the way I expected her to."
"She was calm? More calm than you were expecting?"
"It was crazy. Like from one week to the next, it was all different. She stopped blowing up, she stopped accusing me of things, she just… I don't know it was like she started appreciating me again; I think. We'd just talk things through and if I started to get heated, she would calm down even more. I mean, don't get me wrong. Sarah's no push-over. She would still make her point, but it wasn't with the anger I was used to having thrown at me. Eventually, I stopped planning what I was going to say to her. I stopped planning how I would argue, how I would attack. I just didn't need it. I didn't want it. I don't know. Now, it's like I'm doing the same thing and its… it's good. I know it sounds strange but things just started working."
"She disarmed you? By loving you?" Ray's words came with a smile that revealed it was not the first time he had heard of a wife winning over her husband.
"Yeah, it sounds sort of cheesy when you say it like that… but, yeah. I think that's pretty much what happened."
"So you guys are on the same page, for the most part?" Ray hinted.
"Yeah, we've got this good little fire-team thing going, like a partnership. She had heaps of great ideas about the business; which I would've never even done in the first place if she hadn't come up with the idea. We also had this big issue with the IRS going on for a while. I guess it wasn't that big, but it was a lot of money for us. She did some research online and we figured out how to extend payments to make them manageable. Things like that."
"Sounds like you've got a pretty strong partner there."
"I mean we're still struggling financially and all this stuff going on with the costs of insurance right now is brutal. But we've got money coming in the door and now we're working together to figure things out."
Getting the impression that Stephen's positive words weren't being matched by his heart, Ray pried further, "So what's holding you back?"
"I don't know. Sarah's great and all, but it's like I can't enjoy our marriage. I'm surrounded by all this other stuff and every stress I have is just a mountain on my back. I feel like I never get a chance to finish anything I start." Stephen conceded.
"How do you feel?"
"I feel like everything is out of order. Like I don't know which di
rection I should be going in or why I'm going there. And then, if I do figure out what I'm supposed to be doing, I don't know where to start. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I need to run, run away from it all. I mean, I'm not the kind of guy who would leave his family or toss out his responsibilities, but there are so many times I feel like I'm failing and I just want to quit and run away."
"Would that fix anything?" Ray challenged.
"I don't know, Ray. But that's not a real scenario, I know that. The real situations are the ones like Hailey's health and my marriage. And both of those are going pretty well now."
"But you don't feel like you can fully appreciate that, can you?" Ray asked.
Stephen looked away and murmured, "I just need to keep a handle on things and it'll be fine."
Ray could tell Stephen didn't fully believe the words he was saying. He wanted to, but Ray had seen several people who said they knew their life was great. And more than a few of them washed those great lives down the drain because they couldn't grasp the joy right in front of them. He could see talking about Sarah was a challenge for Stephen. Their relationship was improving but it was pretty obvious that Stephen was having a slow time adjusting to Sarah's new approach. She was taking huge strides in the right direction, but her husband couldn't move at the same pace. "But things really are better between you and Sarah?"
"I'm pretty sure they are." Stephen replied unsurely.
Ray sat in silence to see if Stephen would go any further.
After a brief moment of thought, Stephen drew a deep breath and spoke again, "It's me, isn't it? I mean the issues that are still there between Sarah and me. I'm the problem, aren't I?"
Ray gave him an out, "Don't push it. These things can take some time. You both want the marriage and you're willing to work for it. Just let it happen."
"What does that mean?"
"It means…" Ray didn't want to overwhelm with his words, "Well, let's just say there will be times when it's best not to talk so she can see how you're really feeling."
Stephen grunted, "So what am I supposed to do? I'm not much for expressing my feelings to begin with, how am I supposed to do that without talking?"