by Deacon Rie
Now Stephen looked back at Tom and drifted deeper into his father's purposeful stare. As he did, Stephen became aware that every ounce of the man his father used to be, continued to live on from behind Tom's glazed pupils. He was surprised to see that the confidence, the wisdom, the tenacity, the determination, the compassion; it was all there staring back at Stephen. And it was determined to tell him something.
Without warning, Tom firmed his eyebrows, pursed his lips, and reeled his neck back to pull in another deep breath. He fired his finger hard against Stephen's chest and leaned into his son’s face with a loud release, "STRONGGGGG!"
Stephen was taken off guard by the clarity in Tom's voice and had to fall back a step to keep from being toppled. The pain in Stephen's body cowered beneath the exuberant command of Tom's articulate and intimidating word. He took another step back but Tom's finger remained motionless in the air, trained on his son. Stephen hesitated and was too stunned to respond at the excitement of hearing his father's true voice once again. But he saw steadfast fire in the man's eyes and replied with astonishment, "Dad?"
"STRONGGGG!" Tom repeatedly jabbed at his son and Stephen heard the uninhibited instruction.
Suddenly the words of Command Sergeant Majors Waters returned, “There’s a strength working inside you.”
His mother had told him about a strength carrying her when she could no longer bear a burden. That strength had given her a peace which allowed her to sacrificially care for others in a way he couldn’t understand. He had called it her crutch. But if Stephen had ever needed a crutch; mentally, physically or spiritually, he knew it was now.
He had dealt with too many disappointments, too many failures, too much pain, too much hurt, too many times he had let others down. The burden of each remained rested upon his shoulders but as he stood there in labored breath, the bitterness brought about by their compounding presence began to crumble from within him. He felt the burden lifting and from within he could sense the growing warmth of an ember that had been sparked with life.
"STRONGGGG!" Tom repeated with intensity and determination.
"Okay, Dad." Stephen slowly nodded his head and gripped his bottom lip between his teeth. "Okay." His eyes shifted from Tom's to the road ahead as he turned around and took a single painful step back onto the race course.
"STRONGGGG!" Tom continued shouting at Stephen.
The pain in his back muscles fiercely announced its return as Stephen leaned his body unnaturally towards the ground and willed his legs to scoot forward and catch him. The pads of his tender feet felt engulfed in a pool of fire upon each contact with the asphalt. He embraced the pain and let it wash over him, unconcerned with the consequences.
"STRONGGG!" Stephen could hear Tom repeatedly calling out from behind him as he picked up the pace and launched into a full stride.
His shoulders began to loosen with each steady, deep draw of breath he took. His scoot gave way to a shuffle and then with a full step, his lower back hesitantly released its vise grip and Stephen felt the flush of blood warming through his legs once again.
"STRONGGGG!" Distance grew between the men as Tom's shouts began to fade. But his father's voice echoed within Stephen.
"STRONGGGG…"
Mile 24
Sarah sat in pressed deep into the corner of their beige acrylic couch. She let the fibers of the couch embrace her as if they could offer a hint of protection against the crushing silence of the room.
Fearful that an emotional response would dominate and let loose the hurt she felt, Sarah measured her words, "So they gave you the opportunity to stay home?"
Stephen struggled to find the balance between information and confession. "Basically, yes.” Stephen responded with shame, “I mean maybe not home like after the first deployment, but yeah, it would have been a desk job within the area."
"But they gave you the choice of not going to war." Her face maintained its initial disbelief.
"Yes." Stephen swallowed his own words.
"They gave you the choice,” Wounded to her core, Sarah responded as though she were losing her grip on life with the release of each syllable, “they gave you the choice of not leaving your family?"
"While the rest of my unit headed into combat." Stephen reasoned.
"Is that why you chose to go? For your men?"
"No. I can't honestly say it was for them." His voice dropped with the admission.
"Go ahead, Stephen. Tell me it was for the men.” Sarah grasped for any reason to think that her husband wouldn’t willfully leave them. “If it was for the men, I could take that.”
“Once we were in the desert, leading the men kept me wanting to be there. But they weren’t the reason I volunteered for that second deployment.”
“Because if it wasn’t the men, then that sounds a lot like you left to get away from something. Really it sounds as if you were trying to get away from us. Like you were rejecting us." Sarah’s voice rose with consequence.
“No, Sarah, no. That’s not it at all.” Stephen refuted.
“You’re right. I know it wasn’t a rejection of us. You’d never turn away from Hailey.” Sarah acknowledged while holding back waves of emotion this confession had begun to expose, “But I do think it was a rejection of me.”
The truth in her words hit him hard. He paused a moment and collected his thoughts, "The truth is… the truth is that I was afraid."
"So you went to war instead?" Sarah protested.
His words refused to flow but Stephen pressed through the sadness brought on by his confession. "I was afraid of what we were turning into. Deployment gave me a chance to escape and not have to deal with our issues at the time."
Stephen could feel his difficult admission give ease to the tension in the room. "And yeah, at the time I was thinking of active duty and maybe even Officer Candidate School down the road. Another deployment would have helped with selection."
"We would have done all of that with you." Sarah responded tearfully.
"Yes, now. But what about back then, Sarah? Would you have?"
"I don't know. I guess I can't say for certain. We never talked about it." Sarah wiped a slowly forming tear from her eye. "But you didn’t need to, remember. You were already thinking of going active duty back then, weren’t you?”
Stephen gave pause to the memory of how he used to antagonize his wife into an argument. He hated the way he would drive over her feelings. He had no intension of going back to that guy. He held his tongue in silence as his wife spoke painful truths back to him.
“I think,” She hesitated to express what her mind had already constructed, “I think, active duty was part of your backup plan. In case you returned home and decided you wanted to be a single man again. I get it. Our marriage was on the rocks and that second deployment was your exit strategy."
"Sarah, it was years ago and we were in a tough place back then."
“A lot’s happened in those years. We’re doing so much better now, aren’t we?” Sarah’s tears began to flow more freely.
Stephen moved onto the couch and pulled her into his arms. “We’re past all of that.”
“I’m not the same person I was during that season.” Sarah replied.
“No, but it doesn’t matter. This wasn’t your fault. I’m the one who was almost ready to give up. I was the one making the mistake when I should’ve trusted you back then.”
Sarah pulled back and looked into his eyes, “You trust me now?” she asked.
“Without a second’s hesitation.” Stephen responded confidently, his fingers gently strolling through her hair.
“To the point where you can tell me all this?”
Stephen’s head dropped into his chin, “I’m so sorry I’ve held this for so long. I wanted to tell you the moment I got back.”
Sarah gently placed a finger on his chin and lifted his eyes to meet hers, “I’m sorry for you. You’ve had so much you already dealt with and I can tell this has been eating at you for a long time.”
“I’ve wanted to tell you a hundred times but I couldn’t get thoughts to make sense when I tried to put them into words.”
“We’ve both changed. It’s a process and not an overnight one. It’s a good thing though.” Sarah said encouragingly.
Stephen’s own tears swelled the brim of his eyelids, “I’m so sorry I didn’t stay with you and Hailey.”
“But you made it back to us. Even if it was in a few pieces.” Sarah’s joke broke the last icy layer of tension and a smile spread across both their faces.
Laughing, Stephen replied, “Yeah, I’m sorry about that too. Not too many near-death experiences at a desk job. I guess I brought that on myself.”
“No, you didn’t bring that on yourself. But that experience brought you back to me. And it doesn’t matter how hard or long the road was. It’s been used for good because we’re here now, together.”
Stephen smiled with relief, “I’m just thankful for every day I get to wake up next to you. Every day that I get to watch Hailey grow stronger and see her living a full life.
Sarah’s attention became distracted, “Speaking of, we have a fourteenth birthday party to start planning for.”
“Isn’t she turning three next month?” Stephen said.
Pointing towards the second floor, Sarah responded, “You go tell that to that girl upstairs who’s teaching me how to highlight my own hair.”
“Your hair looks great, by the way.” Stephen quickly complimented.
“Thanks. But we’re doing it tomorrow.”
“Oh.” His face turned sheepish.
“It’s okay. The idea is for you not to notice when I hide my gray hairs.”
“I really don’t know where to go from here.” Stephen sat up straight as if he were the misbehaving schoolboy putting on his good boy face.
“Fourteenth birthday party ideas.” Sarah reminded.
His body slouched back into the cushions, “Ahh, can I get past this weekend first?”
“Oh, you mean that little thing you’re doing Sunday?” Sarah prodded.
Stephen’s head rested on the couch and his eyes glazed across the ceiling. “Yeah, that little 26.2 mile thing.”
“Hey, you haven’t been running much lately. Are you going to be okay?” Sarah asked.
“It’s tapering, Sarah. You’re supposed to reduce your miles as you get closer to race day.”
Smirking at her husband’s confidence, Sarah answered, “You haven’t gone for a run in three weeks.”
“Okay, maybe I’m testing a new extreme tapering strategy.”
“You’re stressed. But I get the feeling this isn’t about the marathon, is it?”
Stephen sat up and let out an exhausted breath. “It’s the Rockwell account. I can’t get my mind off it.”
“Tomorrow’s the meeting, right?”
“Yeah. Tomorrow we find out whether or not we stay in business.” Stephen’s tone grew concerned.
“It doesn’t matter how long or how hard this road is. We’re here and we’re together.” Sarah reassured him with a two arm grasp around his shoulders.
“Thanks hon. If I can get through this meeting with Rockwell tomorrow, that marathon is going to be a breeze.”
Having fallen asleep with his wife in his arms and nothing between them but a peace that only the truth could bring, Stephen woke to a restfulness he had not known in years.
Frustrated, irritated and paranoid about the sweat beginning to form on his forehead panic began to settle in as Stephen unfolded the knot and dramatically yanked at the shell of the tie; ripping it off his neck.. Looking down at the material in his hands he noticed the hidden slip stitch had busted and now the interlining of the tie was becoming exposed from the backside. He took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling as if there were some magical tie fairy who could drop down and solve the crisis of the moment. He resolved that wishing was about the best he could hope for. It wasn't as if Sarah would suddenly burst into this building's men's room and fix it for him. Especially not after he had rejected her assistance back at the house when her subtle offer unconsciously called his manhood into question. With his man-card held in the balance, Stephen looked into the mirror, steadied his hand and pulled the tail of the tie and adjusted the center to form a perfect divot. He sighed with one part relief and one part embarrassment at the extent of drama he had just put himself through.
A bell chimed signaling the arrival of the elevator. The bronzed brushed doors slowly moved aside and he faced the empty chamber. Stepping inside, he took a moment to inspect the alignment of his hair in the mirror covered walls.
Speaking to an infinity of reflections he begrudgingly expressed, "You should've gotten a haircut." His fingers made their way onto the rows of buttons and he pressed the button for the twenty third floor.
Rockwell Development Company took up the entire twenty third floor as well as the subsequent two above it. Rockwell was the third largest real estate developer in the entire region. More importantly, they were Stephen's single largest customer and accounted for nearly half of his business.
McDowell had been right about the real estate industry and the economy as a whole. It did take a major downturn and the results were brutal. The Financial Crisis of 2007 and 2008 was more devastating than anyone alive had experienced in business. The residential real estate market was brought to a screeching halt and everyone held their breath waiting for the other shoe to drop on the commercial real estate business. In hindsight, Stephen realized that McDowell should have sold his company long before their conversation. Any sort of buyout would have been preferable to the downward spiral he rode until bigger competitors came in and bought assets and talent on the cheap.
Instead, even his most experienced and loyal staff was laid off. The timing of which landed them in a market where people became more and more desperate just to have a job and hiring firms were able to force workers to accept lower paying salaries just to maintain a livelihood. Those who couldn't were pushed out of the business altogether and found themselves in the larger pool of the recession's turmoil competing in unfamiliar industries against much more seasoned job seekers from that field. A few desperate and obviously chemically imbalanced radicals did something crazy like start their own firm, as Stephen had.
For a season, the entrepreneurial life seemed to fit Stephen. He enjoyed the work and clearly had a skill for the appraisal business. As real estate investment buckled under the massive housing crash of 2008, development firms had little choice but to respond to the ongoing economic downturn with a series of cost-cutting measures; some of which included opting away from long-term relationships with established companies and instead turning towards short-term contract labor for their appraisal needs. This opened a door of opportunity for Stephen's fledging start up. The rates he was able to charge were not as high for a small business but Stephen was able to expand his business with additional volume. He had duplicated his efforts by bringing in other industry job seekers he could train and contract out to the larger real estate companies, many of which were established enough to transition and expand their resources into building renovations to supplement their dwindling development businesses.
S&S Appraisals, Stephen and Sarah's fledgling appraisal business never really exploded but there was income and some notable periods of solid growth. The growth hadn't come in time to prevent the bank from threatening to push them out of their home. Thankfully, the sale of Tom's house had provided enough capital to avoid a fire sell to preying investors offering below-market prices to families under the threat of foreclosure.
The business brought in enough to pay the household bills and cover the necessary upkeep on a used vehicle with over eighty five thousand miles on it. The income also covered deductibles for Hailey's treatments. What continually stretched the household budget was paying for all the supplemental care deemed to be "non-critical" under their ever changing medical plan. Stephen and Sarah, despite losing the argument with the benefits a
dministrators, hadn't considered it extravagance to provide their daughter with access to "additional" oncology specialists or "luxuries" like medicines to deter week-long nausea. While it meant a few more highly processed but less expensive meals, they made it work.
They made it work because they worked at making it work. Stephen and Sarah's marriage became more of a partnership than it had ever been. Sarah's consistent gentleness had reduced Stephen's anger and opened a path for them to make progress through their conflicts. On more than one occasion her patience gave Stephen a moment to pause and consider before reacting. Instead of battling over one another, they talked and worked through disagreements. It wasn't perfect and there were more than a few personality potholes to make the journey back, but their relationship made a smooth landing and that gave them both enough hope to keep working at it.