Finding My Reason

by Claudia Burgoa

  “At that burger place?” I nod in response. She scrunches her nose, tilts her chin lightly while glancing at the house. “Huh, I’d never guessed they have money.” She perks up, smoothing her dress and stamping a huge smile in her face.

  They don’t I’m about to answer, but the door opens before I can ask why the sudden change of attitude.

  “Hudson,” Claire greets me, eyeing my date. Then giving her a closed lipped smile. “Hello, Allison.”

  “It’s Adriana,” she corrects Claire, giving her a bright smile and hugging her. “It’s so nice to see you again.”

  Claire glares at me and moves out of her embrace. “Please come on in.”

  “I thought you said it had been a one-time thing,” she mumbles between clenched teeth.

  It’s been a one-time thing. At least a once a month type of thing since last November. Adriana is fun, and some nights I just want to go out have a drink, unwind and have sex. Why not enjoy the moment? That’s what I’m doing. At least for now I have someone who I can hang out with when my friends are on dates or having time with their families.

  “She’s fun, give her a chance,” I say, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

  “But this year we’re having a family reunion, not a party with friends,” Claire speaks using her lawyer like tone.

  “Steve is here and he brought his girlfriend,” I point out, angling my head towards the patio.

  “Well, Steve is Brody’s boss. And there’s a world of difference between girlfriend and casual friend,” she warns me.

  Claire and I have learned to love each other, but that doesn’t mean that we like each other all the time. She always expresses her opinion and I hate when she’s judgmental toward my dates. “So you want me to leave?”

  “Of course not, I’m just saying...Never mind. Actually, I don’t give a shit who you fuck.” She huffs and leaves me without any further explanation.

  What the hell was that? She didn’t let me argue that I was family and had the right to bring whoever I wanted. But I’m glad she doesn’t give a damn of who I fuck. Instead of looking for Adriana, I head to greet the family. After last year’s best man’s speech, I’ve been trying to convince them that I’m not an asshole, or an idiot.

  Immediately I spot the unmistakable Janelle Vance. She’s as tall as her sister Caroline. They have the same flawless bronzed complexion, but Janelle always wears an angelical smile that warms the entire room. “Good evening, Ms. Vance.” I kiss the back of her hand.

  “Hudson, I already told you. Call me Janelle. You’re family.” She gives me a warm hug. “How are you doing, boy?”

  I rub the back of my neck and smile at her, feeling delighted to know that I am considered part of the family. “Doing well. How are you? Is Ben back from his assignment, yet?”

  Jade told me a few days ago that her brother had gone to Pakistan for an assignment. He didn’t explain what it was about, but the entire family is worried about him. Since he’s so close to Afghanistan.

  She presses her lips, shaking her head. “He emailed me earlier today to let me know that he’ll be back in the States before or on the tenth of this month. Even bragged about the articles he’ll be publishing, but...” She sighs. “I fear for him. For both of my kids. They are so far away.”

  “They’re both fine,” I reassure her, grasping her shoulder.

  “You know what worries me? That Jade is following his steps. What am I going to do if she doesn’t come back?”

  Why wouldn’t Jade come back? I quit breathing troubled by Janelle’s question. My heart stops, my stomach tightens. No she will come back. In less than two years she’ll be back with us.

  “Of course, she’s coming back.” I finally breathe, breaking the silence, but my words come out weak because what Janelle says is true. Jade wants to travel all over the world. Meet people, discover new places. Suddenly cold drops of sweat slide through my spine. What if she decides to stay in Australia? Move to another country...

  “Don’t worry about something that hasn’t happened yet,” I advice, but am I saying it for her benefit or my own?

  “There you are,” Adriana purrs in my ear, hugging my arm. “I went to congratulate the birthday boy and suddenly you were gone.”

  “I don’t believe we’ve met. Janelle Vance,” Janelle extends her hand smiling at Adriana.

  “Janelle, this is Adriana.”

  “His girlfriend,” Adriana adds with a giggle. I swallow hard because we are not but how do I explain her? “Come on, babe, let’s go and get something to drink. It was nice meeting you, ma’am.”

  We go toward the kitchen, but Adriana stops as she spots Claire. “Let me go and talk to her. I want to make a good impression.”

  “Your girlfriend, huh?” Brody hands me a beer as I reach the kitchen. “What happened to casual?”

  “It is casual,” I reiterate. “Does it matter if we have a title?”

  He shakes his head taking a long swig of his beer. “She’s not your type, that’s all I’m saying.”

  “And?”

  He chuckles. “If you’re not careful, in a few years you’ll be saying my wife. For what you’ve told me, she’s pretty insistent.”

  “She’s determined,” I correct him, finishing my beer in one gulp and searching for a second one. I consider his comment. Wife. I shiver just at the thought of what a marriage would entitle, being with a person forever. Adriana is fun, but only in doses. “Fuck off. I’m having fun with her. Can you be supportive?”

  “Of course, man.” He pats my shoulder.

  We both march to where his wife and Adriana stand, wondering if I have to talk to her about this relationship. Will she expect me to make some changes? Adjust my schedule? I haven’t had a girlfriend in sometime and I am too busy with work, my last semester of school and Jade. Will Adriana care if I don’t give her my undivided attention? I breathe out as a simple thought hits me. We can end this if it doesn’t work out. Should I ask Jade for advice? No. It isn’t serious, I don’t see the point to bring her to the conversation.

  Chapter 9

  Jade

  December 11th 2005

  To: JV (aka Princess)

  From: H. Drago

  Hi Princess,

  I received your postcard and my Christmas present. How’s Australia treating you? It sounds like you’re having a blast, but are you learning anything, or do you think it’s time to pack and come home?

  At least come and visit us during the holidays. If you do, let me know because I’d change my plans in a heartbeat just to see your pretty face.

  H

  Is he waiting for me? Or just wanting to see me because we talk almost every day and have become best friends.

  “Maybe in another lifetime, princess,” he said as we finished the best first kisses I’ve ever experienced in my short life.

  “Maybe,” I mouthed.

  “Maybe,” I whisper again as I respond to his email, reminding myself I want to find who I truly am before I find anyone else. One day, Hudson Drago. “Just not today.”

  To: Hudson Drago

  From: Jade Vance

  Subject: Holidays

  I’ll spend them by the beach, watching the sunrise and enjoying the warm weather. Have fun in Jersey with the family. Maybe someday we’ll celebrate a holiday or two. At least New Year’s Eve.

  Jade ♥

  No! I shouldn’t have added the heart. Or responded. We should cease all kinds of communication. I didn’t give Hudson my number on purpose and I’m going to kill Claire for handing it out like candy. Part of going abroad was to discover myself, reinvent who I am so I can find out what I’m made of. Hence my hair is currently six inches shorter than normal and dark teal.

  In reality, I pine for a man I barely know. I put all these repressed hopes onto him, making him into a vision of something I’d always wanted. It’s easier when he was just a daydream and a wish I kept in my heart. Speaking of which—

  The opening hook of “Why Georgia�
� breaks the silence of my apartment terrace. I put it as his personal ringtone a few months ago. Something about that song just seems like us. It’s stupid, I know.

  “Hello.” I’ve learned how to school my tone around him. I think I’d melt into a puddle if I didn’t practice talking to him to my mirror.

  “Hey, beautiful, I was just thinking about you,” Hudson sings the last word. Of course he’s drunk. That’s the only time he calls me lately.

  “Isn’t it the middle of the night over there?” I chastise softly.

  “It...is...four in the morning,” he informs me triumphantly.

  “Wow.” I try to sound bored and detached. “You should really get to bed, don’t you think?”

  “Can’t sleep,” he mutters. I hear something thud in the background. He laughs, presumably at whatever fell. “Tell me a bedtime story.”

  “Seriously?” I groan, faking anger when I really want to ask him what’s wrong, fly back home and tuck him into bed reassuring him everything will be all right. His family, his business, his job. Pushing him away would be wise, but instead, I have to admit that I look forward to those emails about his day or his future plans. Some other times he tells me about his Mom leaving him when he was a kid, and how much he loves his father and sister. Each email or call makes me feel closer to home—to him. “Fine, but this is the last time.”

  “I promise no more.” He sounds emphatic. “Scouts honor.”

  “Okay.” I sigh quietly. That’s what he said the last time, and the time before that. I hope he breaks his promise again in a few days. “Once upon a time, there was a ferocious dragon.”

  “Ferocious, you say?” He likes to commentate whenever I do this.

  “The most ferocious in all the seven kingdoms,” I describe. “And one day he...”

  As I continue weaving a tale to drift him off to sleep, I can’t help but think I should stop this. If I were stronger, or smarter, I’d call him in the daylight and tell him he has to stop drunk calling me. That he’s using me and I’m using him, and it’s not healthy. I think drunk him wants someone to hold onto and sober me needs to be wanted, needed, validated.

  If I weren’t needy at my core, this trip would have taught me how to stand on my own two feet. But I’m alone on another continent and suddenly, for the first time in a while, I feel alone. So I channel all of my anxiety into lulling a drunk man to sleep. For a minute, I imagine that we were just a boy and girl. Two people who met at a party and are slowly, but surely, falling madly, deeply in love. Destiny has something special saved for them at the end of the journey. And for now, that’s enough.

  Chapter 10

  Jade

  March 10th, 2006

  “You look like you need a pick-me-up,” Brody announces as he opens the door to his lovely new home. Well, it’s about three years old, but it’s my first time visiting them. “How was Australia?”

  Jet lag is a bitch. I want to respond that I was in Barcelona, or to hit the road. Then ask for a beer just like the one he holds. But instead, Mom is the one who warns him. “Be nice, Brody. She arrived only an hour ago.”

  “You made it,” Claire declares, opening her arms to me. Her soft face and beautiful bump energize me and I run toward her. It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen her. Mom, Aunt Carol and her went to visit me last July. Awkwardly, I hug her, making sure I don’t squish her belly. “What’s with the small little braids? That’s so eighties.”

  “So, when is your due date?” I ignore her comment. She complains about my hair changes every time she sees me.

  “April twentieth,” she responds. Then she pushes me lightly, holding my arms. “Please, tell me you were joking about leaving, again.”

  Mom groans because she’s not happy about my new project. I’m being paid to travel, take pictures and write articles. For the next couple of months, I’ll be working from home, as they want me to take advantage of the ski season. Instead of answering what she doesn’t want to hear, I squat and hug her belly. “I’m Aunt Jade. Nice to meet you.” Then I straighten. “Do we know what you’re having?”

  “A girl,” Brody responds automatically.

  “No, the cord has been obstructing the view and the technician believes it’s a girl...but it can be wrong.” Then she gestures towards Mom. “Every woman in our family disagrees.”

  “It’s wrong,” Mom confirms. “You’re carrying a boy.”

  “Then it’s a boy,” I declare, hugging Mom.

  Claire rolls her eyes and drags me over to the living room, which is decorated with all kinds of baby stuff all in gray and yellow accents. The entire family is here and some of Claire’s friends. I recognize a few of her sorority sisters, but the rest are new.

  “Hey, everyone.” Claire claps a couple of times. “Let me introduce you to Jade.”

  I wave and sit next to Claire who starts asking me about my last semester and a couple of months I spent traveling before I came back home. Thankfully Brody brings me a can of Mountain Dew to keep me awake. Suddenly, it hits me—aren’t showers full of games and presents?

  “What’s up with the games?” I look around, waiting for Claire to answer. “The embarrassing moments and all that fun stuff.”

  “Oh, you missed that part.” She looks at her watch. “This started a couple of hours ago. Now, continue telling me about Fiji. I can’t believe you went there before I did.”

  “It’s all about knowing the right people and where to stay,” I explain. Going to Fiji with locals who invited me to their home is different from booking a luxury resort. Instead of giving her the long version, I pull out my camera and show her the pictures. Everyone around gathers next to us and starts asking questions about my trips. Even when Mom isn’t happy about my travels, she smiles and tells everyone about the last three years of my life and the new job I just landed.

  “Claire, darling,” a gorgeous blonde who could be a Victoria’s Secret model interrupts my conversation. “I wish I could stay longer, but Hudson and I have big plans for tonight.”

  My lungs deflate at the mention of Hudson. We haven’t spoken in a couple of weeks. Only exchanged texts and a few emails. Glancing at her, I understand why he’s not calling me anymore. Someone else is occupying his mind. Unlike me, she’s tall, slender and beautiful. I bet they look perfect together.

  “Thank you for everything, Adriana.” Claire smiles at her. “Did Brody gave you the last check?”

  Adriana raises her hand, waving an envelope and smiling. “Call me for the christening; I’ll be happy to organize it. Rumor has it we might be the godparents.”

  My stomach drops as she mentions that. Only a week ago I was told the baby would be my godchild. Is Adriana my replacement? Should I come back home and... Jade, grow up. The woman is dating a friend. She’s not going to take over your family and those who love you won’t forget you because of her. God, working on these insecurities wears me down.

  Brody climbs the stairs and walks Adriana out of the house. When he comes back into the living room, he gives Claire a funny side eye glance and leaves again.

  “What was that?” I ask.

  “We’re not fans of Adriana,” she declares, and my back loosens with the news. “But she works for one of the best party planning companies in the Denver Metro area. A detail I didn’t know until I called said company and she became my event coordinator—because we’re besties.”

  “But you’re not?”

  She shakes her head. “No. Enduring her when we invite Hudson to a party is torture. I don’t know what he sees in her.”

  “She’s beautiful,” I point out the obvious. “If you want me to spell what he’s doing with her—”

  “Obviously, but he usually dates women with more...” She taps her temple. “No bimbos who lack of conversational skills. Honestly, I think Drago has been dating her because she’s pretty insistent. They met almost three years ago.”

  I wonder when that happened and why he never mentioned her to me. We communicate often, if
not daily. He tells me everything about work, his father, his sister and only a couple of months ago he Skyped me and we discussed his sister’s engagement for hours. She’s only twenty-two and ready to settle. He worries about their finances, stability and that both are too young. Convincing him that love matters more in a marriage than the assets took me forever. Yes, having a house, a nice car, and savings matter, but how much do they matter when you don’t have anyone to share your life with?

  “Who is going to be the godfather?” I suddenly have to know.

  “We’re still thinking about it, but you’re going to be the godmother, right?”

  “Of course, I’ll be like a second mother to your baby,” I assure her, yawning as I search for Mom who nods.

  She is the first one announcing we have to leave. “Next Saturday, don’t forget we’re having dinner at our home to welcome Jade.”

  “We’re not inviting Hudson,” Claire says.

  “Why not?” Aunt Carol frowns at her.

  “Adriana, his girlfriend, invites herself to every event we invite him to,” Claire explains. “I can’t stand the woman. Sorry, Mom, but until they break-up, we’re going to avoid Hudson.”

  “I don’t like her either,” my aunt agrees with Claire. “It’s just...he’s like family.”

  I look around, and my aunts, cousins...even my mother nods. Hudson is like family? Since when? Oh God! Maybe I misunderstood our late calls. Those conversations where we made plans, trips we’ll take together where I’ll show him my favorite spots, or we’ll discover new countries.

  “But he’s your husband’s best friend,” I tell Claire, trying to gather a little more information.

  “Drago and Brody are cool. They hang out at the gym and during poker night,” she clarifies. “Maybe you should talk some sense into him.”

  “Me?”

  “Yes, Jade. You. Don’t you think we know the two of you are close?”

  “If we were close, I’d know about his girlfriend of... How long have they been together?”