Fear?
What if I go back, and no one notices, or worse, they realize how well life was without me? Same strong, unfounded fear I carry in my heart. Not being enough for those I love. Ben’s always away; that’s why Mom misses him so much. It’s the same with me. Not being close by increases the odds she’ll want me around when I visit, that she’ll call me every day. Then there’s him, Hudson Drago.
“What if we realized the attraction for one another was an illusion, Claire?” Years of experience have taught me several things, including what we imagine is far away from the truth.
“Ugh, you lost me, sweetheart.” There’s some mumbling on the other side of the line. I bet she’s covering the phone and telling Brody I'm impossible. “What illusion? That you have a family? Jade, we adore you. You’re ours. We’ve loved you since the day Aunt Janelle brought you home. There’s no illusion. Only a frustrating woman who thinks traveling is the only solution to her issues. Try counseling again. I’ll pay for it.”
I laugh. She knows me too well. We had a great relationship before, but after her wedding, we became best friends too. Something changed between us. Either the distance brought us together or the constant communication we had because of her sons, my godsons, and Hudson.
“Hudson is head over heels over you!” Brody shouts through the line. “He’s been waiting for you, Jade Vance. Say the word and he’ll be anything you want him to be.”
Anything?
What do I want him to be? Images from the Casanova who wanted to sleep with the bartender eight years ago swirl around my head. They’re followed by the constant emails and calls we’ve exchanged through all these years. The times we’ve babysat the Golini boys together. Hudson is a homebody some days, others he parties hard. Every weekend he’ll bike to the mountains or just take a hike, ski when it’s the season or go down the river in a kayak. When I’m in town, I join him. Other days I get to hear about those adventures. Well, that’s no longer true. In the past months, he keeps saying he’s too busy to go out. He’s working weekends, late night, early mornings.
But the thing is, I want him to be with me, to share whatever he’s doing. Be my first kiss of the day, the man who protects my dreams during the night, and shares the daydreams I have on a daily basis. Will he want to be any of those? Be my forever?
“It’s not about Hudson,” I recall the years I’ve spent searching for myself. Finding the right partner to walk through life and share my adventures with matters, but it doesn’t define me. “Or Mom, or the family. Choosing to move to California or Colorado is about what’s best for Jade. Maybe I will ask the company to give me time and let me go to both places. If I can work at both offices for a couple of months, maybe I can decide what I like best. It’ll be expensive because I’d have to pay for an executive apartment or a hotel room while I research.”
“Now, there’s the smart woman we all know and love. But you don’t have to pay for anything while you’re in town, Jade. We have a guest room waiting for you,” Claire reminds me. What I don’t say is that in California—which is more expensive—I have to pay for a place to live in. Wait, maybe Colorado is a better choice overall.
“I’ll talk to them tomorrow and start planning once they agree,” I yield, not mentioning the last part I just thought about. “See you soon, Golini family.”
“Oh, we will, and we’ll be ready for you. Don’t forget, he’s been single since he broke up with Adriana and stopped sleeping around since Wyatt was born.”
I growl and hang up after hearing about Hudson’s love life. Did he stop sleeping around because of me? My heart beats fast just thinking about him and the possibilities of a future—a real future—with him.
Chapter 16
Hudson
July 4th, 2011
Unlike when Michael was born, both Brody and Claire have more time for their kids now. Not that I blame them, except for maybe settling down before their careers were secure. Regardless of their hectic lives, they still found time to throw a good shin-dig every once in a while.
Case in point, two years later, Brody turns 35 and decides to throw a ragger. One of the perks to being born on the Fourth of July is he’s always made great excuses for getting wasted.
“You’re starting to look pathetic partying like this,” I tell the already tipsy birthday boy while handing him an obscenely large box filled with toys for his kids.
“Says the man who brought gifts to spoil his godchildren instead of getting his best friend a real present,” Brody grumbles.
“I’m sure these toys will give you a higher percentage of peaceful hours in the day than booze can.”
“Point taken,” he relents, leading me to the backyard where at least a hundred people are in or around the deck and pool. Most people in Colorado don’t splurge for outdoor pools. Then again, Brody has never been like most people.
“Try not to act too much like a hermit.” He ushers me into the crowd with a beer he pulled off the patio’s bar.
He keeps lecturing me for “not having a life” and some other bullshit. I think he’s just butthurt I don’t have a steady lady friend to keep Claire occupied on double dates. Should I start dating again? It’s not like Jade is coming back to Colorado. In fact, other than the casual “hello, stranger” text, we’ve barely communicated with each other for the past couple of weeks. She’s busy with a new project. Fuck. What happened to me? I’m thirty-five and only have two friends. Brody, who hangs out with married couples and his lawyer buddies most of the time. And Jade, who is as unpredictable as the wind.
“Find a nice girl,” said my father a week ago over the phone. “Get married, have a couple of kids.”
He fears I’ll die alone, like him. Explaining him I’m not planning on having a wife or children is useless. He will go on and on about having a companion to share my success and failures. Kids to share my love, because according to my old man, I’m a loving person. It amazes me he doesn’t remember how miserable he was when my mother left, or how lonely he’s been since then. The woman lives a happy life while he is rotting in New Jersey missing her. Never. That’ll never be me. Better alone than stuck with two children who also suffered the loss of their mother. One thing is true, I’m becoming more cynical with age.
I mull around a while, looking for people I know and can tolerate enough to spend more than five minutes with. If I burn through people in less than five minutes, this will be a shitty night for all. After an hour of inane conversation with randoms and drunkards, I run into someone I actually know.
A finger repeatedly taps the back of my shoulder. When I turn around, I see her. Jade.
“Hey, stranger.” She beams at me. Her hair is back to that lengthy blonde she had when I first met her. Her face is definitely more mature than it had been...eight years ago. Fuck, had we really know each other that long?
“Hey.” I can’t contain my smile as I hug her. It had been too long. Three months. Too many months without Jade in my life. “How have you been?”
“Great, actually.” She takes a large swig of her wine. “And you?”
“All right.” I search for a subject to discuss appropriate enough for public. Telling her how great she looks and how much I desire to have her under me, be inside her and... Yep, none of them are safe. Fuck, I want her so bad. At least to taste her. “I thought you were in Cambodia or something.”
“Laos, actually,” she corrects. “That was back in May, but now I’m back.”
I nod as I sip my beer. She usually “comes back” for a few weeks to replenish her supplies for her next adventure. How she makes a steady living doing freelance graphic design, writing articles magazines might or might not buy, and selling pictures, I’ll never know. “So how long are you in town for?” I make pleasantries. She’s lovely, beautiful and all-around the perfect woman. Jade Vance has become my platonic love. The woman I’ll forever be pining for but will never have. As my sister said years ago, Jade will never stay put. She’s never going to find
a reason to stay. It’s taking me long to come to the realization. Stop fantasizing about what will never be.
She shrugs. “I got an offer from the company I freelance for. A permanent position...either here or in California. I have nothing planned for my future otherwise.”
Her words take a second to process in my brain. I do a double take. “Seriously, Vance, here?”
“Seriously, Drago,” she mimics in a deep, buffoonish tone. “I thought it’d be nice to come home for a little while.”
Part of me is a real idiot who doesn’t know how to accept a sign when he sees it. “Why now?”
Jade tucks a strand of her hair behind her right ear. “Other than it is time to come home?”
“And?”
She takes a deep breath. “I talked to them about trying both cities. I’m not sure. My family is here, but San Diego is beautiful. Then...”
Her attention moves toward the guests, her fingers fidget with the tips of her long, relaxed curls.
“Then what?” I press. Jade doesn’t understand what her words achieved. They've woken my heart. She just turned on the flame that’s been burning for her since the night we met. I’d do anything to influence her decision. “What can I do to convince you that we are who you want to be with?”
“Is your offer still standing?” Her gaze focusing on mine.
I tilt my head, shoving my hands inside my pockets as I refrain from touching her. What if I’m misunderstanding this conversation? “What offer?”
She sucks her lower lip while her eyes study my face. “That you’d wait for me until I’m ready to come back...” She pauses. My heart stops. I watch her tilt her head, trailing her gaze toward the pool and take a breath before she finishes. “Or is it too late?”
I’m frozen in place. I’ve been waiting years, literally years, to hear this woman tell me she’s going to stick around for me. Is this too good to be true? Who cares. She’s here, and if I play my cards right, she’ll stay with me. Forever.
“No, it’s not too late,” I rasp softly. If she weren’t standing mere inches in front of me, she wouldn’t have heard me over the roar of the party.
I lift my hand, reaching for her beautiful face. Holding her chin, I give her a chaste kiss on those pouty lips. She wraps her arms around my neck; mine slide down her back resting on her waist. Jade’s perfectly round face is eager with anticipation. Her brown eyes search mine hesitantly. “Don’t go to California. Stay with me.”
Crashing my mouth against hers, I claimed her. Taking everything I’ve wanted from her since the day, I let her go. Mine, I repeat inside my head. There’s so much we’ve missed, and so much we have to make up for. The need of her consumes me; my hands have trouble staying put. The urge to use them to explore Jade’s body makes me break the kiss.
“Do you wanna get out of here?” She nods with a wicked smile.
I grab her hand, practically running toward the side gate of the backyard. The last thing we need is a distraction. Maybe she hasn’t found the reason to stay, but I’ll try to convince her I might be that reason. Because for the past eight years, she’s been my reason to dream and work hard to make those dreams happen. She’s my reason to smile and to love. To want to know the world.
Chapter 17
Jade
“You blew a red light,” I insist as he enters the underground garage. “And you drove over the speed limit in a construction zone. The warning fines double for speeding didn’t matter to you.”
He laughs placing his big hand on top of my thigh, right where the hem of my dress ended. “Can you blame me? My wish finally came true.” And then, his mouth came crashing down on mine. I love the way he kisses me. Like a starved man who has been denied of food for long. Eight years. His tongue pushes through my lips, demanding access. Taking charge, he’s still as dominating as I remember. As his tongue teases me, his callused fingers slowly gliding up my legs. Dragging the fabric of my short dress along.
He parts my legs, stroking his way toward my panties. My core clenches. I’m aching for his touch. But before his fingers reach the sweet spot he stops everything. Leaving me needy, confused and wanting him.
His shallow breathing matches mine, and by the look of his crutch, he’s just into this as I am. “What happened?” He rests his forehead on top of my shoulder, shaking his head.
“I want to be a gentleman,” he mumbles against my bare shoulder. “Take you out on a prope date before we do it.”
“You take me out often.” I lean my head on top of his. He takes my hand and kisses it. “We can count the last one as a date?”
“That was back in April, Princess,” he reminds me of the last time I was in town. “Driving you to a family dinner doesn’t count as a date.”
“We went clubbing after that,” I recall.
“With your cousins and your brother,” he growls. “It was a torturous night I don’t want to remember.”
“You didn’t have fun?” My innocent tone grants me a glare. His shoulders drop, as he his head. “So what if we skip the first date? We’re far from ordinary, Hud.”
“Are we now?” His eyes narrow, but instantly open wide as they travel down my body and spot the white lace panties I wore today. His hand moves over to my thigh, lazily, waking every cell of my body as he makes his way between my legs.
“You’re wet. For me,” he states, circling my clit. I arch my hips trying to increase the friction, but instead his hand cups my face. Pressing his lips against mine for mere seconds. “Fuck, Princess. I’m powerless when it comes to you.”
In only seconds we are out of the car and heading up the stairs. As we get through the door, he slams it shut and pushes me against it, capturing my lips. I moan as he drags his hands down my legs reaching for my dress and pulling it up. I close my eyes as it comes over my head and then reaches forward and help him with his black fitted shirt and jeans.
Hudson licks his lips, as his eyes flare while he appraises my almost naked body. “You always take my breath away.” My heart hammers against my chest as he comes closer to me. He isn’t the same man I had sex with eight years ago. Some stranger I might never see. This is Hudson. My best friend. The man who knows my voice tone better than I do. He doesn’t know it, but he owns a piece of me. My heart. He looks so large in front of me. Powerful. “Penny for your thought.”
“It's different, isn’t it?”
He nods, taking my hand and walking me to his bedroom, pulling down the dark comforter on top of his bed.
“What if—”
“Shh.” He quiets me with a quick kiss. “No what ifs, Jade. We’re finally here. It took longer than we thought, but we made our way back to each other.”
He wraps a hand around the back of my neck and pulls me closer to him. Kissing me deep. Hard. Then slow. Our tongues meet, dancing in different tempos. Looking for that unique tune they like to dance to when they are together. His other hand curls on my hip and presses me closer to this body. I moan, feeling his hard cock against my soft abdomen.
One swift move and my back hits the bed and Hudson is on top of me. His light green eyes studying my face. My hands gliding through his hard, leaned muscles.
“Yes.” He sweeps my hair back and nuzzles my neck. “It’s different. Back then we barely knew each other. Today I want to think that I know you well. You know all my secrets. My likes and dislikes. How I take my coffee and...Is it too soon to say I love you?”
My breath hitches with his question. My chest swells as my heart grows three sizes bigger. Those three words. I love you. Our eyes connect. His hand reaches the elastic of my panties and his slides them down my legs holding my gaze. I swallow as I search for the right words. It doesn’t take a genius to know what they are though. “I love you too.”
His mouth came down on mine. Pressing his hard body as he kisses me softly this time. Deep. Long. Sweetly. He stops and looks at me one more time. As if studying me.
“Trying to make sure is me?” I break the tension.
I place my hands on both sides of his face and smile at him. Because for years there was a man living inside my imagination who looked just like Hudson, talked like him and fulfilled every crazy fantasy I came up with. “Not leaving again, Hud.”
“The California gig?”
“Make love to me,” I answer instead because California was forgotten the moment I saw him at the Golinis place.
• • •
Hudson
She’s here. With me. I'm wrapping my head around the fact that she’s on my bed. Beneath me. My heart pounds hard against my chest as her smile illuminates the entire room. I lean down to kiss her. My hands are gliding up and down her soft, silky skin. Her pelvis is moving forward, as if searching for something. I recalled our night together and how much she enjoyed when I ate her pussy. “You want to come in my mouth?”
“Yes,” she moans.
Fuck, those sweet sounds she makes are making my cock harder. I’m not going to last. “You want my fingers fucking you while I eat your pussy?”
“Yes please, Hudson,” she pleads. Her lustful gaze begging me to take care of her. “Anything, just make the ache go away.”
I kiss my way down her body until my head is between her legs. She jolts as I press my lips on her swollen clit. Heaven. She still tastes like heaven. “Faster.”
“Bossy,” I wink at her and begin my assault with tiny licks and only sliding one finger inside her. She pushes against my hand, moaning and begging for more. And I do. Wrapping my lips around her clit, I suck it while pushing three fingers deeper inside her.
“Hudson,” she screams my name I feel her pulsing around my fingers. “I need you inside me. Now.”
She doesn't need to ask twice. I reach for my drawer, taking out a condom, and rolling it on. Positioning myself between her legs. Guiding my cock to her opening. I slid inside. Inch by inch as I lower myself and take her lips.
Finding My Reason Page 9