All those years being a father to my own father and my sister drained me emotionally. They took away my desire to deal with family affairs. That’s why my relationship with Jade had been perfect. The free-spirited girl who never said no to packing and having a fun weekend away in a cabin or at the beach. No matter what I threw at her, she’d be willing to do it. In my mind, we were two souls who found each other one night and waited until the other was ready to spend the rest of our lives together.
Convincing her that not wanting to sign a paper or have a kid didn’t mean forever was hard. Maybe I should’ve come clean from the beginning. Tell her that after dealing with my family, I wasn’t willing to have one of my own. Why bring a child to suffer into a fucked up world? Why suffer when the other person leaves?
However, each time I think about that, I realize I was the asshole who made her leave me. I pushed her out the door because of my fears. She came back with the news of us having a family and, once again, I fucked up. Having my ex-girlfriend in my office didn’t help. I hit strike three when I told her she should marry me. I used little to no tact and zero romance.
So what if she’s the love of my life or that I planned to spend the rest of my life with her. None of that matters after my shitty behavior. In baseball, after the third strike, I’d be out. In Jade’s mind, I’m out too. Except, it’s only the first inning. Since the day she kicked me out of her house, I have shown up at her doorstep at least twice a day. I prepared her breakfast and lunch in the morning. Dinner when I arrived at five-fifteen. The woman became an organized machine who starts dinner at five-thirty and eats by six.
Her behavior towards me hasn’t changed much. The ice covering her heart doesn’t melt, just like some of the snow packs from last month’s blizzard. Reading pregnancy books hasn’t impressed her either. But, I’m starting to get used to the lingo of impending parenthood. Case in point, the ultrasound Jade framed today. I think she’s testing me. She insists she wants to know what I’m thinking. I’m just working hard not to get my ass handed to me today like I do almost every day.
“It’s certainly a cute munchkin,” I make up on the fly. Honestly, what good is there to say about an alien-looking blob? I know it’s my kid and everything, but it’s taking everything out of me not to compare it to E. T.
“Don’t call the baby that,” Jade lectures me.
Great, what did I say wrong? “Munchkin?” I try to sound surprised. “I think it sounds cute.”
“No,” she clarifies. “It. The baby’s a tiny person, not an accessory.”
I sigh. I’m certainly not winning any father-of-the-year awards anytime soon. “All right, then what do I call the baby. No offense, but I’m going to get bored of a single name with no pronouns.”
She bites her lip slightly. Jade can be fucking adorable when she’s coming up with compromises. “Not necessarily. We could come up with a nickname or something. Or we could name it something gender-neutral ahead of time.”
Gender-neutral? “Like what? Peyton?”
She snorts a little before looking at me sternly. “No football names. What about Taylor?”
“Because you think there aren’t Taylors in the NFL?” I parlay.
“Point taken.” Princess frowns.
“Maybe the kid needs an abstract nickname,” I offer. “Like we could call it a duckling or a butterfly.”
“I’m not a bird.” Absolutely no humor is coming from her. Fuck, I thought that’d be cute?
“Okay.” I sigh. “Well, what about...” My gaze shifts around every corner of her bedroom, grasping at straws for some inspiration. I land on a plushy on the windowsill, the one I sent her years ago. She’s always saying I remind her of dragons. Perfect. “Dragon.”
Her eyebrows shoot up in intrigue. “Dragon,” she plays with the word like it’s fine clay and her mouth is a potter’s wheel here to bend it into submission.
“I’m a Drago, you’re my princess,” I lay it out for her. “Why not?”
She hums softly before spouting it out again. “Dragon.”
“Is that a yes?” I wince a little.
Her mouth twists into a pleased smirk. If I didn’t know her so well, I’d say she looks downright diabolical. “It’s a hell yes.”
Finally, I did something right. One day at a time.
“Now can we talk about the expenses?” She rolls her eyes and walks toward the door. My invitation is about to be revoked. “Jade, I know your insurance is a piece of shit. They only cover generic medication. Their list of doctors within the network is microscopic. Can you allow me to pay the medical expenses—do it for Dragon.”
Her head tilts away, rolling her eyes she huffs. “I can pay for my own expenses.”
“Damn, Jade.” I grind my teeth. “Why won’t you let me take care of you? You never did. Every time you’ll offer to pay half of whatever we bought. Even the groceries. I gave you a card, and I think you used four times.”
Her lips press together in a slight grimace, avoiding eye contact, she speaks, “because we were only dating.”
“No. We were partners. Live-in partners,” I scold her while my heart beats fast and my hands sweat. Why didn’t we talk about it before? My father was right, we missed so many opportunities by just living in a good 'enough relationship.' “For me that was it. We were together and planned to be like that forever. Yes, I get it. I didn’t take care of your needs. Like marrying you. But that didn’t mean that you weren’t mine. You’re my family.”
“Why are we discussing this?” She crosses her arms. Her face tightens as her brows draw closer. I’m losing her again.
“Because I’m fighting my right to take care of Dragon.” I raise my voice throwing the only reason she’ll accept my help. “The baby deserves the best pre-natal care available. I have the money to pay for it.”
Her nostrils flare. She’s worked up and doesn’t have a comeback. “Fine.”
I smirk, trying not to gloat too much. “Also, I want to come to your appointments.”
“You’re pushing it, Drago.”
Lifting my hands, I give her an innocent smile. “Only doing what you asked for, dear. I’m being involved in my child’s life.”
“Don’t call me dear,” she snaps at me. “Use those endearing names with your girlfriend.”
“We’re currently on a break,” I retort using a teasing tone to ease her mood.
“I don’t need to know about your love life.” Clearly, my teasing only agitated her more. “You might’ve been able to move on, but for me it was different. Our relationship mattered.”
Fuck I can’t win with her. Hormones. The only tip my best friend gave me was: She’s always right. Any wrong move and she’ll try to claw your eyes out.
“The only girlfriend I’ve had for the past years is you. And our relationship is everything to me,” I point out, pacing around the living room of her apartment. “If you refer to Adriana, she is only an acquaintance who I shared meals with within the past few weeks. We haven’t been together since Mike—who is now ten—was born.”
“Sorry, I shouldn’t care. It’s just that I’m so emotional,” she blurts, her jaw quivering. How did this turn into such a fucked up conversation? “Don’t mind me. I'm upset, sad, and can't seem to ...It’s that ...somehow I had this illusion that even if we weren’t together, Dragon would be everything to you. You'd love our baby as much as I do. That’s why I made the mistake of telling you.”
I stare at her speechless.
“Jade, I...” How do I explain to her what I feel? I am still trying to catch up with the idea of her being pregnant. She expects a kid who will belong to me, but I don’t know how to react to it, yet. Not while I’m trying to win Jade’s heart back. “Something inside me already feels protective toward you and the baby. But I can’t be sure if that translates into love. If that is in fact love toward the baby.”
“You should stop...” She doesn’t finish, but I can hear it. Stop coming over and try to be a father out of oblig
ation. She’s giving me an out. “My heart will heal, but the heart of a kid doesn’t heal easily after realizing that her parents didn’t love her enough.”
“Maybe I’m not explaining myself clearly, Jade.” I try one more time keeping my voice under control. “Coming twice a day to check on you is about Dragon too. Yes, I want to make sure you are doing well and eating properly, but I also want to care for the baby you carry. Reading books about what to expect every night isn’t for your sake, but because I want to make sure I know what to do when it’s us taking care of our child. Do I want to impress you? Maybe, but I also want to be a good father.”
Finally, I catch up my breath and close my argument with what I think will settle her heart. “I get it. You trusted me with your heart, and I treated it poorly. Mama bear is making sure that nothing like that happens to her cub. Trust me to do the right thing. Give me a chance.”
“Okay.” Her features soften as she nods lightly. “I can compromise.”
“I promise that no matter what, Dragon will always come first.” I extend my hand to caress her beautiful face, but she takes a step back. I feel a sharp twinge in my heart. How long until she lets me touch her, hug her or love her?
Better find a way to solve the puzzle or it’ll be another eight fucking years without her.
• • •
April 15th, 2016
“That was a complete waste of time,” I whisper to Jade.
I help by pulling her up off of an exercise ball. Today was the first of, what I can only assume, are many painful pre-natal classes to come. We spent most of the time doing ice breakers and watching films that look like they were from the nineties at the latest.
“Don’t be so harsh.” She swats my arm lightly. “This is only the first class, and this course came highly recommended by both Dr. Meyers and the women in my water aerobics class.”
“I’m sure there’s another way to find out about this ICEP crap.” I roll my eyes.
She shoots me a dirty look as I hand over her purse. “It’s ICEA, and that means they’ll give us a comprehensive look at different birthing methods so we can decide which is best for us.”
“Methods? Plural?” I jeer. “What’s so complicated about pushing a baby out that you need to pick an option like a flavor of pop.”
“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that,” Jade states flatly.
We’re out of the classroom door when someone calls out Jade’s name. We turn around, and there’s some tall pregnant brunette with an equally tall blonde. They can’t be older than thirty, and both of them wear short shorts, athletic shirts and mom sandals like they’re going out of style.
“Amber!” Jade squeals, waddling towards the woman. She throws her arms around her. Are they friends? “Hudson, this is my friend Amber from water aerobics and her wife, Ruzenka.”
“My stage name is Rush if you’d prefer,” the blonde offers.
“Amber and Rush? No offense, but that sounds like the name of musical group,” I make small talk.
“That we are,” Amber says playfully. “Gotta say, Jadey, your husband is sharp. Quite a perceptive one indeed.”
I pale a little bit. Dammit, it’s like every time we talk to someone they assume we’re married. They don’t understand that each time they bring up the subject, it hurts Jade. It reminds her how much I fucked up. She still thinks I didn’t want to marry her because I don’t love her. I do. God knows I adore her, but my words are pointless at the moment.
“Oh, he’s—” Jade starts to correct them.
“Flattered, really,” I decide to intervene instead of shying away from the subject. It’s not like they know we aren’t married. “The four of us should get together sometime.”
“I agree. We’ve been dying to see your climbing skills in action.” Rush puts an arm around Amber’s waist. “And I hate to cut this short, but we’re running late for our birthing consultation.”
“Oh fuck, that’s right.” Amber looks at Jade apologetically. “Text me your schedule for the next month and we’ll plan something, all right? It was nice to finally meet you, Hudson!”
“Sounds like a plan,” Jade tells her as I say, “Likewise.” And we finally head out.
I’m unlocking the car door when I notice how quiet Jade has been. Usually, she’d been jumping out of her shoes to tell me all about her friends and how cute they are together and ya-da-ya-da-ya-da.
I wait until she’s strapped in the car to ask, “What’s wrong?”
She turns to me with this funny glint in her eyes. I can’t tell if it’s anger or sorrow. “I was going to correct her...you...you didn’t let me.”
I supply her my reasoning, “there’s no harm in letting people assume things.”
“Amber knows we’re not married.” She sounds like she’s on the verge of a panic attack.
“I still don’t see the problem.” I haven’t started the car yet.
“The problem...” She’s worked up enough she doesn’t notice when she spits on me a little. Or maybe she doesn’t care. “Is that you resented the idea of marrying me. I will never know what it’s like to be married to the man I love. And I was constantly scared I’ll do or say something wrong that will scare you off. Even when we aren’t together, I continue walking on eggshells. What right do you have taking that away from me by waving the idea in front of me like that?”
“What right?” I sputter. “Excuse me for thinking we had moved past this middle school bullshit and gotten on with our lives.”
“Fuck you, Hudson!” she screams. “This isn’t about you not trusting me or your mommy issues or even that you don’t think you’re ready. You’re just too shitty to admit you never loved me enough to ever marry me.”
I gape at her. She’s not sad; she’s barely even pissed. I’ve never seen her this cold about me. Ever. She unbuckles her seat belt and gets out of the car.
“Wait! Fuck, Jade!” I get out of the car to follow her. “Where are you going?”
“Fuck off!” She reaches into her purse. She takes her cell phone out as she keeps walking away from me. She’s headed toward the park.
I run to cut her off. Getting in front of her, I make myself a blockade. She pushes me to the side.
“You can’t be serious, Jade,” I try to reason with her.
“It doesn’t matter if you think I'm serious,” she finally talks to me. “It’s true and—”
“And what?” I growl, daring her to finish that sentence.
“Today it’s not enough.” She keeps going toward the pond. I watch her until she sits down on a bench. Now that she’s staying put, I run after her.
“What the fuck does that mean?” I demand as I catch my breath. “What does ‘not enough’ mean?”
She purses her lips before sighing. “It’s what I used to tell myself when I thought we’re kidding ourselves. For months I’ve looked at the positives and said it’s enough. It’s enough for now. It’s good enough to last. There’s enough commitment here for our love to survive. But it wasn’t and today... I can’t today. I can’t pretend like I’m not upset or disappointed. I can’t put on a happy face for you.”
“Then don’t.” I sit down next to her. “What’s the point of telling me to be honest, if you can’t even admit you’re lying to yourself?”
Her lips tighten into a small line. “You’re right.” She closes her eyes. “No matter how much I’ve tried to convince myself that I did—that I had earned your love—I never believed it. I tried to tell myself you loved me enough. That if I work hard enough, maybe I’d become your one. You can’t even swallow your pride enough to admit I never had a chance to marry you, which is equally fucked up. And as much as I hate to acknowledge such a stupid idea, maybe you’re right.”
“About what?” I don’t mean to ask, but it comes out anyway.
“I couldn’t...what did you say? That’s right. I couldn’t leave well enough alone.” I realize she’s talking about that time she was drunk and asked me if I would
marry her. Shit, she remembers that? I felt like a dick even when I thought she was blacked out.
She gets up from the bench and turns to look at me. Her eyebrows are scrunched; her eyes look too fucking tired. “What if I’m doing the same with the baby? Pretending you want to be there for her, for us. Probably I’m kidding myself and creating another fantasy. This time, the one hurt will be my child. I should stop, or maybe not. Maybe tomorrow this won’t matter. Maybe in six months I won’t be hormonal, and everything will look different to me. Maybe in two, five, or even ten years I’ll apologize for ever trying to force you into marriage.”
I gulp, finishing her thought. “But today...”
“Today my life sounds like a shitty soap opera where I’m the next character to get killed,” she says bluntly. “So if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll try to get home before that rain storm catches up to us.”
I hate when she gets pissed. She acts like I don’t give a damn about her existence. The worst part is, she honestly believes it. I didn’t love her enough? Bullshit. I love her. I’ll prove it to her...somehow. Even if I thought marriage wasn’t a terrible idea, she’d never forgive me if I proposed because of this. I take a deep breath. I have to run to the car so I can catch up to my pregnant wi—girlfriend.
Fuck, we are not even together. I’m totally fucked.
• • •
Jade
I get about two blocks when I finally cave. I ask Hudson with what little pride I have left to please let me into the car. He obliges, not even mentioning our argument. I don’t know what to tell him. I don’t think there’s anything more to say.
That is, until he asks, “Why do you phrase things that way?”
“What? When I give you a timeline as to when, I’ll get over something?”
He strokes the back of his neck. “Yeah, that.”
“I’m a sucker.” I shrug, moving away from his touch. “Deep down, I don’t believe in giving up on a relationship unless it truly doesn’t work. Unless it’s completely broken.”
“So we’re worth saving,” Hudson surmises.
“I don’t know anymore,” I explain. “Dragon is the only one who matters. I no longer think about our relationship. I miss you, of course, I do. We’ve been part of each other’s lives for more than a decade. And I try to stay...”
Finding My Reason Page 19