I put my hand over his, wanting him to go deeper, harder. With every twist of his fingers he drove me closer to the edge. I arched into his touch and he palmed the back of my neck, keeping me close. I strained against him, my legs trembling, heat building and rising.
While it wasn’t the same as having him inside me, it was enough. It wasn’t just the physical gratification I wanted; it was the intimacy. I didn’t know how else to have the closeness I so desperately longed for. I clung to his shoulders as sensation expanded to consume me. Clenching around his fingers, I moaned into his mouth.
“I love watching you come,” he whispered, his kiss soft once again.
I mumbled incoherently and sagged against him, working to regain control of my limbs. I rested my head on his shoulder, wanting to maintain the connection for as long as possible. Even after the orgasm I still didn’t feel sated. I needed more from him. The tattoo, while cathartic, as Hayden said it would be, also tore open barely healed wounds. I was looking for a way to soothe the endless ache in my chest. Up until now Hayden had filled the empty part of me, but in the wake of the outline, new holes had developed.
“Did I make it better?” Hayden asked quietly.
I nuzzled into his neck and nodded, wishing we could stay like this forever.
21
HAYDEN
“Are you sure we need to wait a week?” Tenley’s knees pressed against my hips, squeezing. At least her hands hadn’t migrated south again.
“I’m sure. A week will be just long enough that I won’t have to worry about going too easy on you.” There went my mouth, working before my brain again.
I shouldn’t have been entertaining ideas of taking Tenley over the kitchen counter when her ink was barely twelve hours old, but it gave me a diversion from addressing the real issues, and Tenley seemed to want the distraction, too.
Instead of acting on the barrage of explicit fantasies running through my head, I lifted Tenley off the counter, careful to avoid the tattoo. It took her a few seconds to find her footing. She looked tired and her eyes were glassy. I sensed she was hurting and didn’t want me to know. It would be just like her to marinate in the pain.
Now that Sarah had told me the extent of Tenley’s accident, I couldn’t undo the knowledge. If Tenley had just lost her parents in the crash, I would have had faith that she could get past it. But her circumstances were much more extreme. I understood the nightmares now. The energy it would take to get out of bed every day and face the world would be nearly insurmountable.
I wasn’t stupid enough to make her talk about it today. Not after watching her fall apart last night or seeing how she was managing this morning. She wasn’t in any state to cope with an intense, truthful conversation.
Besides, I was concerned about what Sarah might have told her. So far it looked like the only problem I had was Sienna. Unfortunately, she was a big fucking problem. After my temper tantrum at Inked Armor, she would definitely be back to torment me some more. I still wasn’t keen on explaining her to Tenley, but I couldn’t avoid the topic indefinitely. I needed time to plan what I was going to tell her.
I watched Tenley putter around the kitchen, preparing to decorate her cupcakes. It was serious business. When I tried to dip a finger into the bowl of fluffy white heaven, she smacked my hand and wrinkled her nose.
“That’s disgusting. Wash your hands!”
“You let me do it earlier.”
“But that was before your hands were—” She motioned to herself and then to me.
“Oh, right. Because pussy-flavored icing is only really appealing to me,” I said, just to get a rise out of her. It worked.
Tenley pointed her spatula at me, her face turning the color of poppies. “Stop it! That’s just . . . ew!”
Sarah barged in before I could reply, which was probably a good thing. She was holding two cups of coffee. Her smile dropped when she saw me. “What a surprise. Sorry, I only have two hands.” She gave me a look that told me she wouldn’t have brought me a damn thing even if she’d had three hands.
“That’s cool. I brought coffees for all of us,” I replied as I gestured to the forgotten to-go cups.
“Oh, that was . . . nice of you.” She seemed flustered.
As though being covered in tattoos and steel made me incapable of courteous behavior.
“You’ll need to reheat it, I’ve been here for a while.” I cracked the lid on my coffee and smiled over the lip. It was barely lukewarm.
Using a mug from Tenley’s cupboard, I dumped in the contents of my take-out coffee and put it in the microwave. Forty-three seconds later, my coffee was steaming again. I leaned against the counter, noting the awkwardness that came with Sarah’s presence. Tenley seemed nervous, and I could only hypothesize that having us both in the same space was the cause.
When Tenley finished putting icing into funnel-shaped bags, she tested the cupcakes. Apparently they were still too warm, so she excused herself to the bathroom.
As soon as she disappeared, I turned to Sarah. “How was her night?”
“Not great. She was restless, and she kept asking for you.”
“Why didn’t you call me? I would have come back.”
“She was talking in her sleep.”
“You still could have called. How was she this morning? What did you tell her?” I glanced over at the bathroom. I couldn’t hear water running yet, so I still had time for questions.
“She was okay. She doesn’t remember much. If you’re asking if I told her how you got your shining rep at my work, I didn’t share what I’ve heard.”
“Seriously?”
“I didn’t do it for you.” She sipped her coffee, glaring at me from over the rim. “I’m on the fence about whether or not I should trust you. I kept my mouth shut because she can’t handle that kind of crap unloaded on her. I won’t say anything unless you give me a reason to do otherwise.”
“I promise I’ll take care of her.”
“So will I,” she countered.
I was fortunate Sarah seemed perceptive enough not to push Tenley’s limits. If we only shared common ground on one thing, caring about Tenley seemed a good place to start.
“If you mean that, you won’t get her high again.”
“It was just a little green.” Sarah rolled her eyes. “From what I’ve heard, it’s nothing compared to what you’ve done.”
“I haven’t touched that shit in years. I assume you’re getting your goods from Damen.” Her lack of response was enough. “You don’t want to get involved with him. He laces his product, and Tenley’s already got a cabinet full of prescriptions from the accident. I don’t need her developing any problematic habits.” Based on the contents of the cabinet, I couldn’t be sure she didn’t already have one, but I wasn’t going to confide that to Sarah.
She looked shocked, and a little guilty, which was good. “I didn’t think about that.”
“Obviously not.”
The bathroom door opened, and Tenley came out, moving like an eighty-year-old.
“I should go. I’ve got assignments to work on,” Sarah said as Tenley returned to the kitchen.
“Thanks for staying last night, and sorry if I kept you up,” Tenley told her.
Sarah gave Tenley a tentative hug. “Call me if you need anything.”
As nice as the offer was, it was unnecessary. I planned to be available to service all of Tenley’s needs.
Once she was gone, I stroked along Tenley’s arm. “I’d like to wash your back now.”
I took her hand and guided her to the bathroom. If shit hadn’t gone down last night, I would have removed the plastic wrap and cleaned the tattoo before she went to bed. However, things hadn’t gone as planned.
“Where do you want me?” Tenley asked when we were both standing on the black mat covering the tile floor.
There were a variety of answers to that question. I wanted to take her sitting on the vanity, where I could see my art reflected in the mirror and her fac
e close to mine. I wanted to bend her over that same vanity to experience the opposite view. And that was just for starters.
I motioned to the edge of the tub. “There is good.”
Tenley took a seat while I collected items from her linen closet. The navy towels were a safe bet, saving her pale ones from being ruined with ink stains. The first step was to clean off the excess fluids so the tattoo would heal properly. It wasn’t going to feel good.
When I turned around, Tenley had already removed the apron and her shorts. There was no underwear. She sat demurely on the edge of the tub, legs crossed, hands cupping her breasts, the picture of modesty. I gripped the towel in my hand, staring at her naked, perfectly imperfect body, with its scars and markers of past trauma.
“I thought this would make it easier,” she said with apologetic innocence.
“I’m sure you did.”
She reached for the towel in my hand, presumably to cover herself, but I held it out of reach. I dropped down beside her, taking in the soft swell of her bare ass on the white porcelain rim of the tub. I thought the apron and the shorts in the kitchen had been bad. Oh, how wrong I was. Tenley naked and vulnerable and needy was harder to resist. Maybe part of the problem stemmed from the knowledge that what was coming next would be far from pleasurable. Cleaning her tattoo was necessary, but it was also a catch-22. Based on my physical response to seeing her naked with my art on her skin, the weeklong hiatus would be torture. Especially if she was actively seeking to break me. And I couldn’t blame her for trying. Like Lisa had said, emotions were always heightened after a big session. Tenley was obviously no exception to the rule, so it was up to me to stay in check for as long as I could.
I turned on the water and adjusted the showerhead to the rain setting. While the water warmed, I explained the process step by step to eliminate surprises. She nodded or made a little noise of affirmation but remained silent otherwise. Even though I warned her before letting the water hit her back, she still tried to move away from the spray and the unpleasant sensation. TK mewed at me from her place by the door, clearly concerned about the welfare of her soul mate. Causing Tenley pain made me feel like shit, but it was a means to an end for her, one I understood better because of what the piece represented.
Once the residual fluids were washed away, I lathered up the bar of soap. I went slow, going over the easy parts first, working from her shoulder to her hip, one side at a time. Tenley was patient but tense. I leaned in every so often to drop a kiss on her cheek or her neck and tell her how good she was doing.
“I’m really sorry I lied to you,” she whispered when I was almost finished washing the fresh ink.
“I know.” I smoothed the soap over her skin with extra care. It was such an uncomfortable process. I hated the possibility that she might see it as penance for being dishonest.
“I just didn’t want you to say no or make me wait,” she admitted.
I understood what it was like to want to ease the internal suffering. Through experience, I’d learned that letting the physical pain go didn’t take the other stuff with it, including the memories.
“I get your motivation. But I just don’t want you to keep things from me anymore.”
She peeked over her shoulder at me, eyes watery. “That’s a two-way street, Hayden.”
I paused, unwilling to work on the most difficult part until we had this cleared up. “You know how last week you said you didn’t want the past to bog down what we have because it would change the way I see you?”
“Yes.”
“Well, that’s how I feel about the situation you’re referring to. I need time, just like you did. Give me a week and I’ll tell you what you need to know.” I wouldn’t tell her everything, not even close. But I would explain as best I could what my deal with Sienna had been and why she continued to make my life difficult.
“Whatever your relationship was with her, it won’t change how I feel about you now,” Tenley said, stroking her palm over my knee.
It was on the tip of my tongue to ask how exactly she felt about me. But it wasn’t a good time, not with her being so emotional. If she asked me that question, I would have no clue what to say, because the truth was too much, even for me.
“Just so we’re on the same page, what Sarah told me last night in no way changes how I feel about you either. Okay?”
“Okay.”
She seemed to relax a little. I left it at that. I hoped she would still feel the same after I dropped my bomb on her, although what Sienna and I had was never something I would classify as a relationship, no matter what Jamie tried to imply.
Tenley squeezed my knee through the hardest part. It didn’t matter how gentle I was; the scars were hypersensitive, particularly with the amount of trauma I’d subjected them to the previous night. The skin on her arms pebbled as she squirmed, a sure sign the discomfort was extreme. Next time I would start with the worst and end with the easiest.
When it was over, she sat with her fists clenched in her lap, shivering. I patted her back dry with the towel, but her skin was raw and sore, so she twisted away.
“You need to take something to help ease the sting,” I said, draping the towel over her shoulders.
“I already took Tylenol,” she replied.
Her palms rubbed up and down her thighs, nails pressing into her knees, like she wanted to control whatever was going on inside. I didn’t like this. I was used to dealing with my own ink and the discomfort that came with it. For me, the aftermath promised a welcome alternative to my internal discord. But the first one had been harder than the rest. Tenley’s was more than twice the size of my introduction to the after-tattoo burn. I’d been ruined at the time, destroyed by a loss that was my fault, and I relished the pain. Because I deserved it. Tenley was in such a different place, and she didn’t have the kind of chemical escape I’d had. Not that I wanted her to.
I crossed over to the vanity and opened her medicine cabinet. The top two rows were dedicated to prescription bottles. Most of them were at least half full. I checked out the labels, something I hadn’t done before. A few of the names sent up red flags. Most I didn’t recognize.
“Do you take all this stuff?”
I didn’t want her to feel judged. But she was right—with every layer uncovered, I began to see her differently. No matter how brutal the damage, she was a fighter and a survivor. I couldn’t figure out what the hell she wanted with me.
Tenley was hunched over, the towel pressed to her chest as she folded in on herself.
I knelt down in front of her, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. “Tenley? Kitten, do you take all of those regularly?”
“They’re left over from the accident.”
It wasn’t a straight answer. “You want the regular Tylenol or the prescription stuff?”
“Prescription, please.”
I went back to the cabinet and retrieved the bottle.
“I’ll need two. It hurts a lot,” she said softly. And I knew she was referring to more than just the physical scars.
I filled the glass on the edge of the counter and handed it to her. Turning back to the vanity, I surveyed the medications. There were several painkillers of varying intensity. I went for the weakest ones, which were still far stronger than the standard over-the-counter stuff. “How about we start with one, and if it’s still bad in an hour you take another?”
“Okay.”
I shook a pill into my palm and pressed on her bottom lip, encouraging her to open. I dropped the white tablet on her tongue. I heard a crunch and had to suppress a shudder at what I knew must have been a bitter, chemical taste. She drained the contents of the glass. When she was done, I gave her a lingering, chaste kiss. Later I would look up some of the names of the shit she was taking that I couldn’t identify.
“I’m going to take you to school today,” I told her.
“I only have office hours and a meeting with my group. I should be fine.”
“I just fed you codei
ne. You’re not driving yourself anywhere.”
“I can call Ian and ask him for a ride in or something,” Tenley said, fiddling with the zipper on my hoodie.
“The one who works at The Elbo Room? No fucking way are you getting in a car with that guy.”
“Pardon?”
I sounded like a possessive asshole. Because I was one. I toned down the douche-ness a touch. “I don’t trust him. He’s slimy and you’re medicated and in pain. I’d feel a lot better if I could drive you in and pick you up.” TK bumped her head against my shin, so I scratched under her chin.
“Ian knows I’m not available.”
“Good to know. But I’m still not interested in you getting in his car. He probably drives a piece of crap.”
“I’m pretty sure his car isn’t the issue.”
“Your safety and my peace of mind are important.”
“Fine, you can drive me in.”
“Great,” I said, like it was ever actually up for debate. “You’ll have to wear loose clothing, and no bra—it would mess with the tattoo.”
I left Tenley alone to get dressed, taking TK with me. She came out of her room ten minutes later. Her eyes weren’t as glassy, but her outfit was an issue. She was wearing a pair of form-fitting yoga pants. Her shirt, although looser than usual, gave me an amazing view of her nipples and the lovely little barbells piercing them.
I crossed my arms over my chest. “No way are you meeting with the Nerd Herd dressed in that.”
“I’m sorry, the what?”
“Those dudes you work with.”
“The Nerd Herd? That’s kind of mean. What does that say about me if you call the guys I’m working with something so derogatory?” Tenley frowned. “And what’s wrong with what I’m wearing? I look like I’m going to the gym.”
I seriously doubted Tenley was the kind of girl to hit the treadmill. She just didn’t seem the type. In a different life, before her accident, I could see her as one of those girls who spent her free time hanging out in a park, soaking up the sun while reading something profound. That wasn’t the point, though.
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