by Jasper Bark
He drove home in a daze. Normally after he’d been unfaithful all he could think about was getting home to Judith. All he wanted was to be close to her. To smell her hair and taste her skin. To wash away all the intimacy of his other lover.
Up until a moment ago he’d loved Judith above every other woman. Like it was hard wired into his flesh. Written into the spiral helix of his DNA. He’d believed that the molecules of his body were held together by her love. It was the breath that animated him. He came alive at their first meeting. His friends laughed when he said it, but he honestly couldn’t remember a time before her.
Now that it was all over he still couldn’t fathom why he was so compelled to see other women. Maybe being with Helena would change all that.
He hoped it would but he feared there was something within him that would always crave the touch of another woman. It was intoxicating being intimate with a person that you hardly knew. Perhaps he was looking for some form of validation.
He needed to be desirable. To see himself reflected in the shallow pool of someone else’s lust. It staved off the feeling he often had of being insubstantial. The fear that his whole identity could just crumble and fall apart at any moment.
He wasn’t certain if cheating made him happy. Or if he even enjoyed it half the time. He knew it would destroy Judith if she found out just how unfaithful he’d been. He never had less than three other women on the go at any time. The relationships were short and soon lost their novelty but there were always plenty more to take their place.
It was all very well being faithful when you hardly got the chance to cheat. When the closest you came was a sly glance from a work colleague, or a drunken fumble at the Xmas party. But when someone makes eyes at you every time you leave the house, it becomes more difficult. The temptation was constantly there. At the supermarket, on the bus, out at a bar with friends, someone would always catch his eye, start up a conversation and find a way to leave their phone number with him. Could he change for Helena? Would she still want him if he couldn’t?
Or would she act like Judith? He could swear that on some unspoken level Judith had given him the go ahead. Had willed him to do the things that would hurt her most. It wasn’t anything she said or did. It was just... it was something in the way she loved him. Some slow burning resignation that practically pushed him into it.
Was he wrong for blaming his faults on Judith? Did it make him a coward? Was he lying to himself? He tried to remember how he’d been in other relationships. Was this a pattern? Every time he tried to recall he just drew a blank. Why did he have this block? Maybe he didn’t want to remember. Or perhaps there was some brutal truth that lay at the end of that line of questioning. A truth only Judith presided over.
He felt for the lump at the root of his tongue. He always did that when he started to go off the rails. Whenever that dizzying feeling of vertigo came over him. When he felt like he’d pushed things too far and everything was slipping out of his grip, he was suddenly aware of the weight of it. Like he’d just shaken it loose.
He’d been meaning to get it looked at. Whenever he mentioned it to Judith she smiled and told him it was nothing to worry about. She was always doing that. Acting like she had all this secret knowledge, it was kind of irritating. Now that he was in love with Helena he was irritated by a lot of things Judith did.
* * *
He pulled into the parking lot when he got home and sat holding the wheel, staring straight ahead for nearly an hour. He felt as though he’d been watching himself from a great distance ever since he left Helena’s. Like he wasn’t in control of himself. Was that love? If it was then why wasn’t he overjoyed? He never felt this way with Judith.
He was starting a new life with Helena so why did breaking up with Judith fill him with dread? Did he honestly think he couldn’t exist without her? “Not Judith but Helena I love,” another line from the play. “Who would not exchange a raven for a dove?” Saying it aloud gave him the courage to get out of the car.
He knew something was wrong the minute he set foot in the living room. For one thing Judith was up. She was never awake at this time of night. He was the night owl. She was the early riser.
She was sitting on the edge of the sofa in the living room, wearing a nightie and a woollen cardigan. Her long auburn hair was tied back with a scrunchy and she was wearing her reading glasses.
The light was off and moonlight streamed in through the front window. She didn’t say anything when he entered. She looked tense as she stared into her mug of herbal tea, as though she were getting ready to do something she couldn’t put off any longer.
“You’re up,” he said, hovering in the doorway. His mind was racing for something to say. He’d decided to leave but he hadn’t thought anything through. How should he handle the situation? Was it better to be sensitive about the whole thing or just blurt it out and be done with it?
“Look,” he said. “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll be blunt. I’m leaving you. I’m in love with someone else and I’m going to be with her.”
Judith looked up in surprise. She obviously hadn’t expected him to say that. She was staring at him with a mixture of annoyance and disbelief. It was the sort of look she had when a piece of software she’d written had malfunctioned.
It wasn’t the response he’d expected. He searched for something to say. What was the last thing Helena had said to him? “It’s like it says in the play I’m rehearsing, ‘the course of true love never did run smooth’, what it takes is sacrifice, do you see?”
All of a sudden she did see. She got off the sofa and switched on a table lamp then came and scrutinised him. She scanned his face like she was looking for a programming error. She spotted his eyelids and rolled her eyes.
“I might have known.” She produced a tissue, licked it and rubbed at his eyes like she was cleaning a child. He tried to step away but she grabbed his collar and held him still. “You’ve been charmed,” she said as she removed the lipstick traces.
His vision blurred, his stomach churned and his legs went from under him. Judith caught him and helped him sit down. He started to come back to himself. What the hell had he just done? What was he thinking?
“Charmed?” he said. “What do you mean charmed?”
“When she kissed you on the eyes she put you under a spell. That’s why you thought you wanted to leave me.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. No-one kissed me on the eyes. I told you, I was...” The look on Judith’s face stopped him dead.
Why on earth was she suddenly talking about spells and charms? She was a software engineer, what did she know about magic? Then again he had been acting really strangely since he left Helena’s. Could she really have hexed him? How the hell did Judith know? It might explain why he just told Judith he was leaving her for another woman. Oh my God! Suddenly it hit him. He’d just admitted to being unfaithful.
His mind flailed about for some excuse, some lie that would dig him out of the hole he was in. Could he tell her it was an effect of the spell? No, then he’d have to admit to being with Helena. Every excuse he thought of crumbled into empty words before it reached his lips. For the first time in their relationship he was suddenly very frightened of losing Judith.
He looked into her cool blue eyes and knew he couldn’t talk his way out of this. She was implacable. There was no more pretending. There were no honeyed lies that would smooth this over. They both had to admit to the truth. He looked down at his hand and saw it was shaking.
Judith switched off the lamp and went back to the sofa. “I suppose it’s my fault really,” she said after a long pause. “I know that’s what women always say, but it is.”
“N-no,” he stammered.
“We take the blame for everything that happens in a relationship.” Her tone was thoughtful now, there was even a wistful edge to it. Was that a good sign? Maybe this didn’t have to be the end. Perhaps they could still find a way to work everything out.
“If he does cheat it’s because we weren’t paying enough attention. We should have seen how smartly he dressed when he went out. We should have followed our instincts when we heard the way he said another woman’s name, not told ourselves to stop being so silly. Then we wouldn’t end up blaming ourselves when he does what we were expecting all along.
“I know we beat ourselves up about these things and blame the other woman. And I know that lets men off the hook far too much. But this is my fault. Men are like projects. You don’t find Mr Right you make him. You find the best material you can and you go to work. There’s always an unfortunate liking for sandals, atrocious table manners or a lack of ambition you have to fix. That’s half the fun of it I suppose. That and showing off our handiwork when we’re done. And that’s always our down fall isn’t it. Some other bitch comes along and reaps the benefit of all our hard work.”
She stopped for a moment and stared out of the window. A tear welled up in her eye and almost seemed to sparkle as it caught the moonlight. She brushed it away and turned back to him almost smiling. He couldn’t think of a single thing to say.
“I had to have a man who was attractive to other women. I wanted a trophy. I thought I could make the perfect man, but my vanity got the better of me, no not my vanity, my lack of imagination. You see, because I knew what men were like I thought I could make one from scratch. But knowing what they’re like stopped me from seeing what they could be. I was too caught up in what you looked like, in the appearance of my creation. And that tainted the working.”
What did she mean ‘tainted the working’? She wasn’t making any sense. Judith looked down at the damp tissue she was still holding. “I suppose I have to forgive her really, even with everything she’s done. You see the thing is, I know she was acting out of love. Everything she ever did was out of love for me. I imagine she wanted to check out my handiwork as well. I’m sure she enjoyed you. I did make you rather a good lover, even if I say so myself.”
Ben had no idea what Judith was talking about. Maybe it was the grief. It affected people in different ways. He couldn’t talk to her when she was acting like this. Perhaps there were other ways to get through to her.
She patted the sofa and he came and sat beside her, but she wouldn’t let him put his arm round her. She stroked his cheek, her fingertips soft and damp with perspiration. He started to get aroused. He knew he had to relax and take it at her pace though. To ‘be in the moment’ as she called it. “Poor Ben,” she said. “I’m going to miss you.”
“You don’t have to miss me. It doesn’t have to end just because...”
She put her fingers on his lips to quiet him, tracing each one with her fingertips. He parted his lips and she slid them inside his mouth.
His heart began to beat faster, as much with hope as arousal. They were going to make love. The relaxed and relieved sort of love that you make when you know it’s all over but you just need to fuck. Then afterwards maybe she would fall asleep in his arms. Then when they woke perhaps she’d realise what it was they nearly lost and they’d find a way to bring it all back again.
Judith pushed her fingers under his tongue and took hold of the lump there. It was kinda painful. He winced but didn’t pull away. She was playing rough was she? Well that was okay, he could go with kinky. Anything so long as she came round.
The lump started to move. This startled him and he jerked his head back. She took hold of his chin to stop him from moving and forced his jaws open wide. Then she pulled the lump out of his mouth and held it up for him to see.
It was a shiny stone tablet. What the hell was that doing in his mouth? How long had it been there? He peered more closely at it. It had four letters written on it.
As soon as he read them he knew it was a mistake.
EMET
It was a Hebrew word. He didn’t know why but he knew it meant ‘truth’. He also knew everything was over. That was the ‘truth’ it revealed to him. He’d seen the magic word and now he’d turned to stone.
That’s what it felt like. The last thing he was aware of was a cold sinking feeling in his gut. It seemed to seep out into his whole body, numbing it as it spread. He tried to stand and get out of there but he couldn’t. He was paralysed. How could looking at a word do that to him?
The life just drained out of him leaving his flesh stiff and lifeless. He couldn’t feel anything. His body was suddenly separate from him. Like a hollow, brittle shell he was rattling around inside. It seemed as though he was looking out of a mask that was about to be removed. Judith smiled with sympathy.
“I know this must all be strange to you but in a moment you won’t feel a thing. I’d forgotten how miraculous the whole process is. I mean clay and straw coming to life, it’s astonishing when you think about it—what you can do with the Kabbalah. It isn’t all that different to programming really, with all its sacred combinations of words and numbers.”
“It says in the Talmud that if the righteous wished to create a new world they could do so. All it would take is a different combination of the ineffable names of God. I wanted to build my own private world around my perfect man. I’m not the first to try it. The Rabbi Judah ben Bezabel made an artificial man as far back as the seventeenth century. Eleazar of Worms preserved the secret formula. I had to memorise twenty three folio columns and master the alphabets of the two hundred and twenty one gates. I recited it over every one of your organs. Do you realise what an act of love that was? And look how it all turned out.”
She turned away from him and looked down at the small stone tablet she still held, turning it over in her hands. His mind was still fighting against what was happening. Maybe she’d drugged him, that’s why he couldn’t move. She could have put something on the tissue she used to wipe his eyes. Or was it Helena who’d done this to him? Had she slipped him some sort of truth drug? Was that why he’d confessed to Judith?
Oh God, what was he going to do? He couldn’t feel anything. Was it an overdose? Was that what he was experiencing? Helena must have slipped him too much. He needed to get to a hospital. Why wasn’t Judith doing anything to help him? Had she gone over the edge into some psychotic break from reality? There was something seriously wrong with him. Couldn’t she see that? He was going to die if she didn’t help him.
“She told me it would turn out like this,” said Judith. “That’s the ironic thing. She’s no master of the Kabbalah, but she still knew. I suppose she’s always been intuitive that way. Not that I paid much attention at the time. I’d given up on trying to perfect anyone else. I was too busy perfecting myself. That’s the real purpose of following the Kabbalah. That’s why I was trying to make the perfect man. I fell a long way short didn’t I. But then I’m a long way short of perfection myself. I could never commit you see, just like you.
“I ran away from the person I truly loved to create someone who would do the same thing to me over and over. That’s what I meant when I said it was my fault. Your infidelity came from me. I tainted the spell and I got to learn what it’s like to be on the receiving end.”
Ben was so frustrated at not being able to talk. This had gone beyond a joke. He could feel himself slipping away and she was spouting all this nonsense. He would have smacked her in the mouth if he could. Maybe it would have knocked some sense into her. He was getting desperate.
Did she really believe everything she was saying? Could there be any truth in it? You couldn’t make a person out of straw and clay and magical alphabets could you? Of course not! He was real, he knew he was. He could prove it. He had thoughts and emotions and memories.
He cast his mind back for some memory of his life before Judith. Try as he might he kept drawi
ng a blank. He couldn’t remember a life before Judith because... because he’d never had one. He couldn’t deny it any longer. She wasn’t lying. She was showing him the truth.
Judith held the stone tablet in front of his eyes again. Then she rubbed away the first letter. Ben picked out the remaining letters in the moonlight
MET
Which means death.
There was no point fighting it any more. He just had to let go and accept it was going to end. He felt his personality start to crack and drift apart like the fragile crust on a stream of lava. He began to see where the different parts of his identity had come from, each one borrowed from a friend, a lover and even her father.
“The minute you mentioned sacrifice I knew who’d done this. And I knew why. She wants me back. She’s forgiven me but she needs me to understand where I went wrong. That’s why she seduced you and sent you back. ‘Sacrifice is the path to true love’, that’s the last thing she ever said to me.”
Ben took one last look at the stone tablet. ‘Ill MET by moonlight,’ he thought slipping away like the echo of a prayer in an empty temple.
His last thought was from the text that undid him. A creature brought into being by sacred texts and destroyed by the removal of a single letter.
Judith placed a kiss on his empty lips. “Helena is my true love. She always has been. And you, sweet Ben, are my sacrifice.”
HOW THE DARK BLEEDS
The scalpels were so sharp Stephanie could almost taste them.
It had taken her a while to steal a full set. The long ones were the hardest to acquire. The surgeons notice when they go missing.
She arranged them in order of size for the tenth time that night, laying them out on the bare floor of the basement room. It used to be an auxiliary boiler room but they gutted it when they modernised the hospital’s plumbing. Now it was empty apart from a few supply boxes. The bare walls hadn’t been painted for over two decades and the only light bulb had been smashed.