“We found her car, right where you said it would be. I’m sorry, Brian.” Nickfern didn’t meet my gaze.
The thin wail of anguish escaped before I could stifle it. I flinched from the compassion on Nickfern’s face.
“We called your parents. They’re here to pick you up. The school is willing to give you as much time as you need. I’m very sorry for your loss, Brian. I can’t say I’ve had this happen to me, but I hope you can get the help you need.” He got up and stood at the door, waiting for me to join him.
He waited for a couple minutes while I pulled myself together. I got up and walked to the door, waiting for him to go first. He went down the hall in the opposite direction we had come in. I followed a few feet behind. My parents were in the waiting room. They looked uncomfortable, like they weren’t really sure how to react.
They knew how much I loved Mady, and were aware I often snuck out late at night to be with her. I think they believed it was just a high school fling. Judging from the expression on their faces, I think they finally realized the depth of my love. I fell into their arms and let them comfort me. I didn’t cry, for some reason I couldn’t. We walked out to the car, my feet moving on their own.
On the way to my parent’s car I could see Mady’s parents Ford truck parked at the back of the lot. I hadn’t seen them inside so I guessed they were in one of the offices taking in the new information.
I hopped in the G Wagon and sat in the back. My parents didn’t try to make me talk. They’d be there when I was ready, and I just wasn’t ready yet.
I had never seen my parents so out of their depth. They were always in control, always seemed to have power over others, but this time, it was different. They couldn’t just sign some forms, or do some paperwork and make my emotions go away, and it was killing them. I had to go through this myself and find my own way.
This was one of the first times in my life my parents hadn’t had some say in what decisions I made, and there was no way they could. They knew Mady, and they thought we were perfect together. We used to spend countless hours sitting on our back porch after a family meal just looking out over the glass-like lake. Though they knew her as a person, they didn’t know her like I did. Going out to the movie theater, spending precious hours at the local dinner. When you’re a teenager you think those things will last forever; that you’re invincible and have all the time in the world to be with the one you love. Too bad it isn’t true.
When we got home ten minutes later, I hopped out of the car before Dad even had a chance to turn it off. I went in through the big front door and walked up the grand marble staircase and into my obnoxiously large room. It all seemed so pointless. What did things matter when my world was falling apart? The only thing I could think of at that moment was sleep. My parents’ voices filtered up the stairs as they entered the house, but I didn’t care. Let them talk. It wasn’t going to change anything.
I crawled into my bed, throwing the covers over myself and went to sleep. I just didn’t want to hurt anymore and the only way I could think of getting rid of it was by sleeping.
A knock on my door pulled me out of the sweet oblivion of sleep. I had no idea what time it was, and I couldn’t care less. I just wanted to sleep. My pillow was damp with tears, and I wasn’t ready to get up yet.
“Hey Brian, you okay buddy?” Jason’s voice broke through my lethargy. I sat up in bed and stared at him.
“What do you think, Jason?”
“Yeah, I know. Your parents just told me, and it hasn’t really sunk in yet. I guess I just never expected something like this to happen to any of us, let alone Mady. You always hear about the kids who don’t fit in, or they don’t know where they belong in this world, ending their lives. Mady knew where she was meant to be, and she was the life of the party.” Jason’s voice cracked just the slightest as he finished that sentence.
“Does everyone at school know?”
“No, they think she was kidnapped. They haven’t heard about the note yet. They were all trying to figure out why you were pulled from school, so now there’s a rumour going around that the police think you took her.”
“I can’t even think of going back right now. I just don’t feel like I want to do anything.” I flopped back on my bed and stared at the wall, hiding my face so Jason didn’t see the tears.
“That’s fine, I get it. You take all the time you need, but while you do that, I brought Monopoly so you don’t have to be bored.”
I cracked my first smile since I heard the news. Leave it to Jason to bring the most boring game you could think of to cheer me up.
He started setting it up on my desk, not even giving me a chance to decline the offer. It took me five minutes to find the energy to crawl out of bed. My body felt fragile as if one wrong move could break pieces off. I joined Jason and sat down in the chair opposite him, everything was ready to go. We played Monopoly for a couple of hours. He probably had homework that he should have been doing but he didn’t seem to want to leave. I guess he just wanted to be there and help me cope. We ended up calling it a draw three hours later when all of the buildings were bought up and we both owned almost exactly half the board.
I wanted Jason to stay because he reminded me of Mady. He was there when we went out as a group. Some people lose something and they want to just cut every single reminder out of their lives. I was the opposite. I loved to keep picture and reminders all around me so I would always remember the people and the good times, not just the heartache and loss after they were gone.
I finally decided it was time for Jason go since it was already seven o’clock. I walked with him down to the door. My parents were both cuddled up on the couch watching a movie, but neither of them seemed to be paying attention. Mom’s eyes were bloodshot like she had been crying, and I wondered if she was crying for me, or Mady.
After letting Jason out, I wandered to the kitchen to find some food. Not because I was hungry, actually quite the opposite. When I thought of eating, I got the feeling you get when your stomach is completely full. No, I was trying to eat because I knew I needed to. After I made myself a sandwich, which felt like it required a ridiculous amount of energy, I went and sat down next to my parents. After a moment, Mom pulled me against her side and I was a bit comforted in the arms of my family. I looked at the TV without really seeing it. I had to stop making up far-fetched explanations for Mady’s absence. The sooner I admitted to myself she was gone, the sooner I could begin the grieving process and remember the good times instead of dwelling on her suicide.
After the movie was over I hugged my parent’s goodnight. They both held me a little bit longer than usual. Maybe they felt like if they held me long enough they could heal the pain and sorrow, and I could get on with my life. I think we all knew that wasn’t going to happen.
I went up to my room, crawled into my unmade bed, and opened my laptop.
There were hundreds of texts. I guess I hadn’t checked my phone within the past half a day, and they accumulated and exploded when I opened my Mac.
The earliest ones consisted of people asking if I had really taken her, some of them even seemed a little angry, as if they had already made up their minds I was the villain. Somewhere along the thread of texts, the mood changed. News of what really happened must have spread, and the people that were accusing me moments ago, were expressing their support and best wishes. This was the first glimpse I got about who were really my friends, and who were just there for the drama. The people I knew I could trust texted me from the get go expressing their sympathy and hoping Mady would be found safe. This was when the entire school probably thought I was arrested for taking Mady.
After reading most of the texts, but not responding to a single one, I shut down my laptop and crawled back under the covers. My pillow was still damp and cold, sending shivers through me. The dampness just reminded me Mady was gone and I couldn’t hold back the tears. They didn’t stop that night. I’m not sure they stopped at all until the morning, actually
. All I knew was, when I woke up the next morning I knew exactly what I was going to do.
Chapter 3
I stood outside of Mady’s house, just staring. I had to go up and knock on the door, but I just didn’t feel ready. If I felt this horrible, I couldn’t imagine what her parents were going through. Maybe now wasn’t a good time to go offer my condolences. They might not want to see someone who was so close to their daughter right now.
Mady’s house was nice. It was kind of like mine, in the sense that she was an only child, and the house was much too large for the three of them. It would seem larger, now that she was gone.
My mother sold the property to them in the summer before I started my grade 9 year. It was listed as a vacation home, but they moved in to stay.
After standing on the sidewalk for way too long, I sucked it up and went to knock. I figured it was better than them finding me just standing in front of the house staring. It didn’t take long for her Dad to come to the door. Though Mr. Smith liked me now, he was sceptical when I first started hanging out with his daughter. But after the first little awkward stage, we got to know each other and things were good. I was over at their house at least once a week.
“Hello Sir,” I said. I hadn’t called him ‘sir’ in months, but just then it felt right. Her dad didn’t look too bad considering the circumstances. His eyes were puffy, and he was still in his pajamas.
“Hi, Brian.” He didn’t seem able to say anything more, just looked down at me with hollow eyes. I understood though. These were hard times for everyone involved, and maybe I should have waited, but I felt like I needed to see them.
“I just wanted to say I’m sorry about everything. Is there anything I can do to help?” My voice cracked as I finished. The entire thing was surreal, and I just wanted nothing more than to go home and bury myself under the covers.
“Thank you. It means a lot.” He looked at me for a moment and then sighed, turning his back and stepping into the hall. “Why don’t you come in and we can talk,” he said over his shoulder.
I followed him into the familiar house; it was surreal, like walking in a dream or something. We ended up in the kitchen. He poured me a glass of water from the jug that always sat in the fridge and put it on the kitchen table, motioning me toward a chair. As I was about to sit down, I realized it was where Mady always sat when I came over for dinner. I stopped and sat at the other end of the table. It didn’t feel right somehow to sit there. After telling me he was going to fetch Mrs. Smith, Mady’s dad went up the stairs to where their bedroom was right next to Mady’s. I couldn’t imagine walking up those stairs and seeing it ever again.
Mady’s parents returned in short order, holding hands. Mady’s mom looked worse than her husband. She clutched a box of tissues in her free hand. She looked like she hadn’t slept in days, and had cried that entire time. I knew the feeling.
“It’s nice of you to come by, Brian. We know how much you meant to each other, and we understand how upset you must be,” her mom said.
“I just thought I owed it to you guys. You’ve become such a big part of my life over the last little bit. I felt like I needed to come and see you.”
“We appreciate it.”
They both sat down at the table; Mrs. Smith on my right and Mr. Smith to my left. It was weird, but neither of them sat in Mady’s chair either. It was Mady’s spot.
“It’s good of you to come. We actually have some questions we want answered, and to be perfectly honest, I think our daughter trusted you with more secrets than she did us. We’re hoping you can help us figure out what happened,” Mr. Smith said.
“I can try, but I told the cops everything.”
“I’d like to apologise to you for that. I know the police made it seem like you were a suspect in Mady’s disappearance for a little bit there, but I want you to know we never thought you had anything to do with her disappearance.”
“Thank you, that makes me feel a little better.”
“But, did you have any idea about Mady’s state of mind? She didn’t show any warning signs, or talk to you about hurting herself? I know the police asked the same questions, but I thought maybe you didn’t want to tell them and get in trouble for not saying anything? Or maybe, you didn’t want to hurt us even more?” Mrs. Smith chimed in. The words burst out frantically, like I was her last chance to find out why her daughter took her own life.
“No, I told the cops the truth. Mady never mentioned anything that would have made me think she’d do something like this. If you asked me, I would have said she was the happiest person in town.”
Mrs. Smith’s face flushed as I spoke. She looked concerned and I guessed I wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding my emotions.
“It’s okay, Brian.” She put her arm around me, rubbing my back gently. “We’re both just having a very hard time. We need some closure. Usually, when someone dies there is an illness to blame it on, or a body to bury, so you can start to move on. Mady didn’t leave us with any of that.”
“Wait, the police still haven’t found a body?” I asked, making eye contact with her parents for the first time. I expected once they found the car it wouldn’t be long before they found her, but it had been a full day and they still hadn’t found any trace of her.
“No, they haven’t. The investigating officer speculates she either drowned herself in the river and got washed away, or she killed herself close to it, and fell into to the river and drifted downstream. They’ve closed the investigation, chalking it all up to a suicide. They’re just waiting for the body to turn up somewhere so they can wash their hands of it,” Mr. Smith explained. When he said the words killed herself, he flinched as if he was in physical pain. Mrs. Smith got paler, if that was possible.
“Are you still going to hold the funeral without a body?”
“Yes, we think it’s best to bury an empty casket for now so we can have some sort of closure. If they end up finding her body down the river they’ll have to do an autopsy. Since we’re such a small town, we don’t have the proper equipment to analyze the tests, so they have to send the data away, which could take weeks. If they do end up giving the body over to us, we’ll re-open the grave and have a proper ceremony.”
Mrs. Smith’s face relaxed for an instant. Her parents needed to have something to occupy them and get their minds off their loss, so planning a funeral was a way of taking control of the situation.
“The memorial is scheduled for this Friday. It would mean a lot to us if you could make it, but if it’s too soon we completely understand.”
“Of course, I’ll be there. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
Mady’s parents and I exhausted everything we had to talk about without going into the weather, so I said my goodbyes, hugging each of them. In the past year, they had become like parents to me, and it was sad that I wasn’t just losing Mady, I was probably losing her parents too.
I got in my car and started it. The rush of warm air through the vents was welcome. Though it was spring, rain had set in, making the day dreary and cold. I drove home, following the speed limits for the first time in a long time, and parked in the driveway. I hesitated by front doors. As much as I wanted to go inside and seek the sanctuary of my room, there were so many memory triggers it made my grief ten times worse. Everything reminded me of Mady, and though I liked being surrounded by thoughts of her, it made my heart heavy and my stomach sick.
After a moment, I walked around to the back and into the kitchen, welcomed by the sweet smell of bacon and eggs. My parents had taken the day off, for obvious reasons, and even though it was already two o’clock, apparently they were making breakfast. They were standing by the stove in their matching aprons. There was a lot of love in my house. Not just for me, but my parents seemed to love each other just as much, if not more, than they did the day of their wedding. It was cute, and it had shown me growing up, exactly how love and a marriage should be.
“Hi, guys,” I spoke a little louder than normal
so they could hear me over the sizzling bacon spitting grease at them.
“Hi honey, how was your drive? Are her parents okay?” Mom asked, turning around from her cooking duties. Mom was good at that, making intense eye contact in the softest way possible to make you feel like you were always some place safe when she was around.
“They’re not okay right now, but I think that’s fair. They’ll get there. The memorial is on Friday, and I was wondering if I could go. They haven’t found a body yet, but I think it would help with closure.”
“Yeah, of course you can go, buddy,” Dad said, not looking away from the pancakes he was flipping. My dad didn’t cook much, and I could tell just by the expression on his face he was trying very hard not to burn anything.
“Breakfast at two in the afternoon?”
“It’s never too late for the most important meal of the day.”
I went upstairs and changed back into my warm pajamas and came back down ten minutes later. My parents set a fire in the fireplace, and we all sat down at the dining room table to devour our breakfast. That lasted about twenty minutes until the only thing left on my plate was the grease from the bacon and extra maple syrup from my pancakes. That’s when Dad broke the silence, which before, was only occupied by the scraping of our knives and forks.
“Brian, your mother and I have done some thinking, and we have something to talk to you about. We realize this is a very difficult time for you, and even though we didn’t know Mady as well as you did, we are struggling through it too. We think it may be in your best interest to talk with someone professionally,” he finished, looking at me as if I was a bomb ready to explode.
“Yeah, it’s always nice to have someone to talk to and maybe you can learn some things about dealing with grief,” Mom chimed in.
Dangerous Past Page 2