Mady’s Dad then got up and struggled through a small speech about how amazing Mady was and reminded us we couldn’t let the way she died define the way we thought about her. The more often people referred to Mady as ‘dead’, the realization they had all already given up on her was starting to dawn on me. I guess they were just listening to the police and taking what they said as the truth, but there were just so many things that didn’t add up.
While the priest droned on, I spoke to Mady for the first time since she died. I always thought it was weird when people spoke to their deceased loved ones. Almost like people talking to their dogs. I told her how much I missed her, but that I didn’t blame her for leaving me. I told her I hoped she was in a better place now and how I always thought we would say our wedding vows before I had to sit through her funeral, but I didn’t want her to feel bad. I hoped with all my heart she was up there somewhere looking down, understanding what I meant. I finally understood why the prospect of a heaven was so appealing. Somewhere where everyone was happy, and that one day we could all be together again.
I headed to the connecting room and joined the reception line to speak with Mady’s parents. Until this moment it seemed like a good idea to bury an empty coffin, for closure and all, but as I stood in that line and it became a reality, I started to feel sick to my stomach. I guessed once they buried the coffin they would stop looking for Mady all together, and I didn’t think that was fair. It was only a couple days since she had gone missing and the police were only treating the case as a suicide because of the note, other than that there was no evidence Mady was dead at all. After clearing the reception line, I got a plate of food and walked over to the table where all my friends sat. Jason held a chair next to him for me, and we sat in silence. That is, until the idea of a party came up. Stacy started telling everyone about how hard she worked to get the setting just right. She said it was to celebrate Mady’s life, not to mourn her death. Like an Irish wake, so we should bring a lot of liquor. It made me sick to my stomach, but hey, maybe drinking my feelings away would work. I set my plate down and walked over to my parents who stood in the corner mingling with some people. When they saw me, they broke away from the group and joined me. I told them everything was good and I was going to leave soon.
I went back to the table where Stacy was still pretending to care about things she really couldn’t care less about. Like Mady’s disappearance was just a good excuse for a party. Stacy was really the first fake friend I started to see through.
After sharing memories of Mady for a while longer, we headed for the parking lot. I made sure to say goodbye to her parents, and assure them if I could do anything for them to just call me. My parents left the same time I did. Most of the relatives and family friends were going over to Mady’s parents’ house. Us teens were all heading out to Stacy’s later.
The party didn’t start until 8 o’clock, so we had some time to kill. Instead of going back to school, an impromptu game of hockey broke out. Almost every single student in my grade made an effort to show up at the funeral. The school year would end soon and I started to wonder if I would even go back, or just hop right back in the next year. Jason and I drove back to my place, and went to my room. For the first little bit, we didn’t talk. Just sat there silently going over the events of the day. I started to wonder what the others were doing, the ones who pretended to like Mady only because she was popular. Had they gone down to the city beach to make the most of their day off?
* * *
After a while Jason and I ended up playing some video games and talking until 6 P.M. My parents were home, but Jason and I declined their offer of supper and opted for the diner on Main Street instead. When we got back, I got ready for the party, putting on my skinniest blue jeans, pin rolled at the bottom, and a low-cut gray scoop neck shirt. Mady loved this shirt. I doused myself in her favorite cologne and left my hair natural instead of putting in product. She always told me it looked better that way. Maybe this party wouldn’t be as bad as I thought. Maybe it would be a good way to say my final goodbyes and move on.
After I was ready, I asked my parents to drive us to Jason’s house so he could get changed. They knew we were planning on drinking and had no objections. In a small town where everyone knows everyone else, it wasn’t such a big deal when there was a teen party going on. The police lieutenant of Flankstone played golf with half of the teenagers’ dads, so they didn’t really bust us as long as we behaved.
My parents dropped us at Jason’s, and it only took him twenty minutes to get a shower and do his hair. In the meantime, I caught up with his parents. Jason hollered from upstairs and I went up to find him with two bottles in his hands.
“What’s your weapon of choice tonight?” He brandished bottles of Fireball and Captain Morgan. I picked Captain Morgan, having had a bad experience with Fireball the last time. There were so many other things going on that I hadn’t even thought about picking up alcohol, so I was happy Jason was prepared. We cracked the seals and poured a shot each.
It’s funny how when someone is gone people start to think of them as saints. Mady drank almost as much as me, if not more, but I found myself wondering if she would have wanted me to take that shot. But she was gone. I shook my head and threw the liquor down my throat. Jason and I downed a couple more shots, then poured the liquor into water bottles, tucked them in our pockets and went back downstairs. His mom was waiting to drive us, so we hopped into her car. I rode in the back and half listened as she told us to be safe and to be home by one. I thanked her for the ride when she pulled up at Stacy’s before I got out.
Stacy only lived a couple minutes from Jason’s house, but his mom insisted on driving us so she knew where we were for the night. We walked up the front walkway which was lined with beautiful blue and pink flowers. The floor boards of the porch vibrated underfoot when we knocked on the door. It was only ten after eight, and the sound of loud music and people yelling seeped past the closed door.
Stacy finally opened the door after we knocked the third time. She hugged us, the putrid, nail polish scent of vodka on her breath told me she was going on a bender tonight.
We disengaged ourselves and joined the forty people already there and well on their way to being drunk. In high school, where the parties only lasted from eight until midnight, you needed to get drunk quick. You had four hours to burn off the alcohol so you could act sober enough to tell your parents you only had two when you got home. The problem with that was the parties got out of hand early on in the night.
We sat down on the couch in the corner. The realization of how dumb this party was dawned on me for the first time. None of these people were really here because they were upset about Mady’s death. They were here because they heard there was a party and wanted to get drunk just like they did every single weekend of their lives.
I pulled out my spiked water bottle and sipped as I watched the people. Three girls came up; overtly trying to be the shoulder I could cry on. They were hitting on me and it was disgusting. I ended the conversations especially quickly with them, but there were a few people that weren’t just there to say they talked to the ex-boyfriend. Jessica Maze came by for a little bit and got me to dance.
I’d known Jessica since second grade, and it was a safe assumption that if she hadn’t made a move on me in all that time, she wasn’t going to now. She genuinely just wanted to cheer me up. Mady, Jessica, Jason, and I had hung out on more than one occasion, but I had hung out with every single person in this house at one time or another during the past two years of high school. Kent Michaels joined in, slapping me on the back in a friendly way and asking if I was doing alright quietly so the others didn’t hear. I didn’t know if he was referring to the party or my mental state in general, so I just nodded.
Kent showed up on the first day of grade 10. He was in Mady’s English class and didn’t know anyone, so she invited him to hang out with us on the weekend That Saturday morning when I answered the door Mady was beaming
as always, and behind her stood a tall, African American guy. I smiled at him, and even though I was sort of intimidated, I let him in. At first, he seemed like he would rather be sitting in his room alone, but soon he relaxed and we became good friends. Now I was happy I could call Kent one of my best friends
The party went pretty smoothly from there. Stacy had hung up a couple of pictures of Mady, but somehow it felt just like any other party. Everyone was dancing and having a good time. Stacy ordered some pizzas and soon Mady slipped from my mind completely. Maybe it was the alcohol running through my blood stream or the distractions of other people being around, but it was nice to forget the pain for a few moments.
At some point, Stacy climbed up on a chair and got everyone’s attention. When everyone had quieted down she started her speech.
“We miss Mady. I don’t think there is a single person in this room that isn’t affected by her death in one way or another. Some of us are struggling more than others, but I think it would be good for all of us to do something to say goodbye one last time. I’ve set up rafts in the back by the lake for us to release in her memory. If you would follow me, please.” Stacy clambered off the chair and stumbled towards the back doors. She was probably the drunkest person there. Everyone followed, walking behind her towards the backyard. Stacy’s house was lakefront, so out the back there was a wonderful view across the still water glimmering in the starlight.
Along the shore, rafts with wooden bases were set up right next to the water’s edge. Everyone lined up together, bending down and placing their hands on one. Stacy walked down the line one by one and lit the pile of kindling on them. Together, we shoved them out into the deeper water. The lake was lit up by floating rafts set ablaze in Mady’s honour. I stood silently, almost mesmerized by the beauty of it. The rafts burned quickly and soon everyone was filing back into the house. Some cried as they passed and others bowed their heads. In that moment, everyone’s emotions seemed genuine. Inside, Jason and I returned to the couch and finished our bottles.
After the final hit of liquor kicked in, I headed to the backyard to take a breather. The room was claustrophobic and I needed to get out of there — fast. I sat down in one of the deck chairs. Out on dark water small blossoms of fire reflected where some of the rafts were still being reduced to embers. Those faint lights represented Mady’s life, and as they burned out so did my last links with her. For the past couple days, it felt like she was gone, of course, but not as if she was gone forever. I wiped at the moisture on my cheeks with the back of my hand.
A couple minutes passed in pure silence. The only thing breaking the stillness was the slow chirp of the crickets. After I got a handle on my emotions I rejoined the party to find Jason talking to Stacy. He put on a good act, but I could tell he didn’t want to be there. As soon as I entered the kitchen all the emotions started rushing back and the room started spinning. I gulped down the panic and made a beeline for Jason.
“We have to go.” I grabbed Jason as I walked past. He followed without question.
“Where are you going, Brian?” Stacy asked from behind me. It was like a scene out of a movie. The entire room went quiet and everyone’s attention focussed on me. I was already at the door, my hand grasping the handle. I could just open it and be done with this mess once and for all. But something stopped me. Mady never wanted me to confront Stacy. She knew how I felt about the girl, but Mady wasn’t around anymore. I could do whatever I wanted, and I think it was about time Stacy heard what I thought of her.
“I’m leaving, Stacy.” My voice sounded hollow and odd. Everyone was staring at me. I knew how it looked. The boyfriend leaving the party that was supposed to commemorate his dead girlfriend? How much did her really love her?
“Come on, Brian! The party’s just getting started!” Stacey said in her best cheerleader voice.
“Stacy, this entire party is disgusting. We shouldn’t be getting blackout drunk to honour a girl all of us supposedly loved. I bet half the people in this room didn’t even know the first thing about the real Mady, and yet we’re all here acting like she was everyone’s best friend. Most of you never really knew her at all,” I started quietly, but my voice grew progressively louder and by the end of it I was yelling at the top of my lungs. Now everyone was looking at me differently. They looked bored. I was just another drunk guy having a blow-out. The room was really spinning now and I could hardly stand up. All I could concentrate on was getting out of there, and I needed to do it quick.
“Maybe that’s how you feel, Brian, and maybe you don’t care about anyone here, but I do. If you’re going to blow up at me for trying to make memories we can look back on to remember Mady, then fine, but you can do it somewhere else.”
“I will, and just so you know, if you have to make memories with someone once they’re dead, they were never truly your friend in the first place.” I turned and reached out for the handle. The black dots that had been jumping around my vision for the past couple minutes enlarged and swallowed me into their shadows.
Chapter 5
After the party, I woke up in my bed. Jason was there and assured me my parents were asleep when my friends dragged me home, and they didn’t wake up, so I was in the clear. Turns out Kent and Jessica tagged along with Jason to make sure I got home safe. Kent carried me the whole way over his shoulder. I only received one hateful text; it was from Stacy telling me how I ruined her party, and everything was all about me. I never responded to her. She was out of my life now.
* * *
My life kind of chugged along after that night. The whole experience seemed to be old news. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding my grief. I kept seeing Dr. Kim, and she helped a lot. My relationship with my parents improved, and I even felt good enough about everything to go back to school for the last week to prepare for finals. Finals went well, and surprisingly, everyone seemed to forgive me for my outburst. I was back to hanging out with all my friends on the weekends and getting on with living.
Obviously, I still thought of Mady, but it began to be less and less, to the point where I only thought about her once a day.
It had been two months since her death, and I just got out of another one of Nancy’s sessions. It went well as usual, and our discussion slipped from dealing with Mady’s death to working on me going forward with my life. Even though Mady’s death wasn’t a daily struggle anymore, it was still good for me to see Doctor Kim. She gave me something to look forward to, and someone to talk to. As I walked to my car, my cell phone buzzed. When I saw the caller ID my heart stopped. Mady’s name glowed on the screen. I hadn’t deleted her from my contacts since it just felt too soon to fully let go. I picked up instantly.
“Hello?” I wasn’t sure what I expected to hear.
“Hi Brian, it’s Mady’s mom. Could you come over please?” The voice on the other end of the phone sounded shaken. Something was wrong.
“Yeah, of course. I can make it there in five.” I ended the call while getting into my car.
All kinds of odd things ran through my head. She sounded upset. Did they find the body? No, they wouldn’t have called me right away. This must be about something else.
Questions swirled in my head the entire drive. I screeched to a halt in front of their house, killed the engine and pulled out my keys. I broke the speed limit the whole way there, and now, I didn’t want to go inside.
I finally mustered up enough courage to go up to the door. It wasn’t Mady’s house anymore. I had to stop thinking of it like that. Now it was just another house on another Flankstone street.
I knocked on the door cautiously at first, but when nobody came I knocked harder. Hurried footsteps warned me a second before the door shot open. Mrs. Smith let me in. I followed her to the dining room where Mady’s dad sat at the head of the table. Boxes were strewn across the table, the words ‘confidential’ sprawled across them in big red letters.
“Please Brian, sit.” Mrs. Smith pulled out a chair. I sat down, wondering
what was up with all the stuff on the table.
“What’s going on?”
“The police gave us back Mady’s things today. They held it for some time because her body hasn’t been found. They took pretty much every belonging she had the day we called them, they weren’t able to get into her laptop. There was some sort of protection she placed on it. They couldn’t figure out the password, and even when they sent it away to a professional computer programmer, they couldn’t crack it. We didn’t know any of this until about two hours ago. They said when they opened the laptop for the first time a note fell out saying Mady wanted you to have it. They didn’t think much of it since she left notes on almost everything, because they have given up on the case and are just waiting for her to be gone long enough for her to be officially declared dead. They didn’t seem too interested in the laptop, so we agree you should have it.” Now everything has been returned, we want to honour Mady’s wishes.” Mrs. Smith seemed calmer now, I understood why she was so frantic at first. The laptop could hold the key to the reason for Mady’s suicide, and I could be the key.
“Thank you, I guess, but I’m not too sure how I can help you with it.” Mady never mentioned anything about her computer being encrypted and I knew the bare minimum about computers. Which begged the question even more, why would she leave it to me?
“Do you know anything about it? Did you guys share your passwords?”
“No, I guess we just never felt the need to share passwords.”
Mady’s dad had been silent to this point, but he spoke up now.
“Well, we spoke to a lawyer and because she is a minor all of her possessions go to us. We decided that since it’s obvious she wanted this to go to you, the laptop is yours, but we’re not sure it’ll be of much use if you can’t get it open. Honestly, we were just hoping you would have the password. It could answer some of our questions.” His voice was tired with no emotion at all. I wished I could help him get answers.
Dangerous Past Page 4