by Sibel Hodge
‘What party?’ I said, climbing down and reattaching Asha’s lead.
‘I told you weeks ago. The head of the Kenyan Wildlife Service is coming to discuss some new initiatives to try and eliminate poaching. Mum and Dad are hosting a party for him.’
‘I’m not coming,’ I said.
He stopped abruptly, turning around, and I nearly bumped into him.
I quickly took a step back, desperately trying to ignore the fact that our faces were inches apart. I looked down at the ground, blushing, and felt his hot breath on my cheeks.
‘But he’ll want to meet you,’ he said. ‘He knows what we’re doing with Asha, and it will be great publicity to try and get the anti-poaching message out there.’
I could feel his eyes boring into me as I stared at a line of ants on the ground.
‘Please. Do it for me,’ he whispered. ‘We’ve invited our friends from the Mumbi Game Reserve, too. It will be a good chance for you to get to know more people.’
But I didn’t want to get to know more people. I was happy the way things were. In the weeks that I’d spent time with Zach, we’d settled into an easy friendship. A friendship I hadn’t had since the accident. I looked forward more and more to our walks together and the time we spent doing things with Asha. But I wasn’t ready to meet and be stared at or gossiped about by a whole load of strangers. Dad and I ate our meals at home, and I hardly ever went to the lodge since that first day at work. I wasn’t doing it for a party, either. No. I just wasn’t ready.
‘I can’t do it.’ I carried on walking. ‘You know as much about Asha as me. You’ll be fine on your own. You don’t need me.’
‘Your dad will be there.’
‘I don’t care. I’m not going.’
‘You can be so stubborn.’
‘And you can be bossy and a know-it-all.’
‘Who, me?’ he asked with mock horror. ‘You must be talking about someone else.’
I chuckled and it lifted the mood as we walked back to our quarters in silence.
‘If you change your mind, it starts at eight,’ he said, jumping into the Land Rover and driving towards the lodge.
Fat chance of that.
I glanced down at Asha, who plonked herself next to my feet, staring up expectantly for some milk. ‘Come on, girl, let’s get you fed.’
I gave Asha her milk in a bowl now, which I mixed with minced meat, then turned my attention to cooking something for me. Since I didn’t eat at the lodge, Chef and Jenna sent Dad down to the house with food, and I was learning how to cook from Chef’s recipes. Apart from Asha and Zach, it was the only other interest in my life, and I found that I loved creating new dishes, waiting excitedly as I watched Dad take his first bite to see if he was enjoying it. I must’ve been doing something right because I began to put weight on and my bony frame was filling out into slender curves.
After making a chicken curry, I took myself off to the hammock on the veranda to watch the sunset while Dad got ready for the party. Asha was getting too big to jump in there with me, but it didn’t stop her trying. In the end, she settled for squashing me as she launched herself onto the hammock sideways, paws dangling off the edges while we swung from side to side. I stroked her head and she licked me with her rough, sandpaper tongue until it tickled, then snuggled against my legs and rested her chin in my hand as I giggled at her.
‘How do I look?’ Dad came out of the house decked out in smart black trousers, a white shirt, and a deep purple tie. The last time I’d seen him look so posh was when he’d taken Mum out for their anniversary dinner a few weeks before the accident.
The tears prickled in my eyes.
I wish you were here, Mum.
‘You look really nice,’ I croaked.
He frowned slightly. ‘If you’re not up to going, I understand, but it would be really nice if you did.’
I shook my head, trying to blink away the tears.
Oh, Mum, I miss you so much.
He leaned over and kissed my forehead before giving Asha a quick pat on the head. ‘I’ll see you later, then. If you change your mind, you know where we are.’
‘Have a good time,’ I mumbled.
After he’d gone I carried on watching the sunset and talking to Mum in my head, telling her about my day, which was something I’d started doing ever since I’d found Asha. Wherever she was now, I was sure she could hear me.
When the sky turned black I reached down for the cookbook that Chef had lent me and flicked through it, looking for something to try the following night.
The loud rumbling of a Land Rover a few minutes later broke into my culinary thoughts.
‘Did you forget something?’ I shouted to Dad as I heard the vehicle door open and shut.
But it was Zach’s voice that drifted up the steps towards me. ‘I just wanted to see if you’d changed your mind.’
He took the stairs two at a time, and when I saw him, an involuntary gasp escaped from my lips. His dark hair was neatly cropped and his smooth, square jaw line almost shone in the lights. He wore black trousers that skimmed every inch of his well-toned legs, and a light blue shirt that seemed to bring out the unusual colour of his eyes. Eyes that were watching me intently as my mouth hung open. He looked amazing.
‘You look…’ What could I say? I didn’t want to tell him he looked gorgeous. ‘Er…nice,’ I settled for, turning my attention to stroking Asha so I wouldn’t have to look at him anymore.
‘Thanks.’ He walked over and sat on the chair next to me.
‘You’ve had your hair cut,’ I said.
‘I did it with clippers. Not very often you get a top hairdresser around here.’ I heard the smile in his voice. ‘Do you fancy coming?’
I shook my head. How could I ever compete with all the people that would be there, decked out in their nice clothes, hair perfectly done, makeup glittering on their flawless faces?
He was silent for a while, and I willed him to go away.
‘You can’t measure self worth by how you look,’ he said softly. ‘It’s what you do that counts.’
‘And I suppose you’re going to give me another lecture about how beauty is on the inside,’ I snapped.
He stood up to leave. ‘No.’ He looked down at me for a few moments as I picked up the cookbook and pretended to read. My eyes scanning what now looked like gobbledygook on the page. ‘You have to face your fears, Jazz, or else you’ll drown in them.’
I sighed, hoping to get the message through that the conversation was over, but he wasn’t finished.
‘Everyone has scars. Whether they’re on the outside or inside, everyone’s got them. They’re just a reminder that we’ve survived something big and come out stronger.’ His words drifted into my head and he stood there until the silence became too loud, and he slowly walked back to the Land Rover.
As I heard him disappearing into the night, I dropped the book on the floor with a loud slap and stared at the moon coming over the horizon, thinking about what he’d said for a long time.
Maybe he was right. Maybe I should go out and start meeting people. I knew it wasn’t healthy to be a recluse for the rest of my life. After everything Zach had done for me, maybe I should show my appreciation of our friendship by going.
‘What should I do, Mum?’ I whispered.
I waited to see if she’d send me some kind of sign but nothing happened.
Asha looked at me expectantly, the fur on her forehead crinkling up. ‘What would you do?’ I asked Asha, but she just licked her paw. Not very helpful.
I pushed her gently off me and walked to my bedroom. What on earth could I possibly wear? Before we’d arrived, Dad had made me buy loads of clothes, but instead of going to the shops for them, where I’d be stared at by bitchy sales girls, I’d ordered them online. I had plenty of practical clothes like shorts and jeans and T-shirts for being out in the bush, but I didn’t have a party dress. It wasn’t like I ever thought I’d ever need one again.
I rummaged a
round in my cupboard, pulling potential things out and throwing them onto the bed. Asha thought it was great fun to grab hold of an item in her mouth and run around the room with it before diving under the bed to slobber on it.
‘Get off!’ I tugged at a yellow sun dress with white flowers and heard a ripping sound. ‘Asha, no!’
She’d come to understand the word ‘no’ and dropped it, looking sheepish. I picked up the now slobbery, ripped dress and sighed, throwing it onto the floor. Asha looked between me and the dress, as if saying, Can I have it now? Go on, please.
I sighed, fearing that maybe it was a sign from Mum that I shouldn’t go. Plonking myself down on the edge of the bed, I stared into the wardrobe until I spotted a red cotton sundress with thin straps that tied at the shoulder and fell just above my knees. Yanking it off the hanger, I pulled it on and smoothed it down. Next, I brushed my hair with a shaky hand until it felt smooth and silky, then shook my head so the sides fell over my face as much as possible. This was a good as it was ever going to get.
I picked up Asha’s rubber ball and threw it out into the hallway for her. Like lightning, she dashed out of the room and pounced on it, her needle-sharp milk teeth sinking into it.
‘I won’t be long,’ I told her, then wagged a finger at her as I said, ‘Don’t chew on anything, and don’t scratch at the furniture again.’
She gave me a quick look before turning her attention back to the ball, and I grabbed a torch from the sideboard by the front door and slipped outside, shutting it quietly behind me.
My hands still shook as I turned on the torch and walked towards the lodge with the sounds of tinkling laughter mixed with soft music and conversation drifting towards me.
I reached the empty reception building and wiped my sweaty palms down my dress, taking a deep breath.
You can do this. You can do this.
I followed the sounds towards the dining room and hovered in the entrance, watching the scene in front of me as a knot formed in my stomach.
Richard, Jenna, and Dad were in a deep animated conversation with a distinguished-looking black man. Other guests milled around with drinks in their hands or picking at a sumptuous buffet laid out in the centre of the room. People mingled with each other, laughing and smiling. They all had one thing in common. None of them looked like me.
My gaze searched the room for Zach until it finally rested on him. He stood in the corner of the room with a beautiful brunette who was probably the same age as him. She had a figure-hugging, short black dress on and strappy high heels. Her hair hung in ringlets around her heart-shaped face, and she was perfectly made up. She whispered something into his ear and his arm slid around her waist, pulling her closer as he threw his head back and laughed.
My heart raced, and I felt fingers of anger and jealousy twist my insides.
What had I been thinking? I was never going to be able to compete with these people. I was never going to have a boyfriend. I was never going to get married and have kids. I was never going to find someone who loved me like Dad loved Mum. I would always be on the outside looking in.
I backed away from the doorway and stumbled blindly all the way home as hot tears streaked down my face.
Chapter 10
One morning, Asha was stalking a beetle in the bush. She stood frozen, her belly low to the ground, eyeing it with a focused determination.
‘I’ll miss our walk this afternoon,’ Zach said while I watched her. ‘I’m going over to Mumbi Game Reserve to see Kira and I won’t be back until late.’
I looked up sharply.
Kira. I bet she was the girl from the party. The thought of him with her made me feel sick and I didn’t know why. It wasn’t as if we were anything other than friends, and it wasn’t like you could expect someone as gorgeous as him not to have a girlfriend.
Asha pounced on the beetle with her front paws and it disappeared into her mouth. She rolled it around for a while before deciding it didn’t taste very nice and spat it out with a disgusted look.
‘She’s—’ Zach started, but I cut him off.
‘Well, have a good time,’ I said, my voice coming out harsher than I intended. I didn’t want to hear about how fantastic Kira was.
He raised confused eyebrows at my tone of voice and said, ‘Don’t go off into the bush on your own.’ He gave me a warning look. ‘OK?’
‘Yes, Dad.’ I gave him a salute.
He grinned as we arrived back at Asha’s enclosure, and I stood there staring at his retreating back until he disappeared, seeing the picture of him and Kira looking so cosy together at the party in my head.
By the time Asha’s afternoon walk was due, she was restless and full of energy, so I tried to distract her by getting her food ready. She was only on two meals of milk a day now, and I’d introduced her to solid meat. I fed her in the enclosure so she’d get used to it and it wouldn’t be so hard for her when the time came to leave her in there overnight on her own. Zach had told me that leopards had a very varied diet: antelope, gazelle, warthogs, impala, zebra, rodents, and even fish, birds, lizards, hares, and other small prey. Today she was having hare. Yum. She still had her milk teeth, so she wasn’t able to rip open the animal herself, which meant Zach had to cut it open for her.
I hadn’t managed to get over my squeamishness about handling the carcasses. It was one of the worst jobs of being a leopard mum. I pulled on some rubber gloves and turned my head away as I picked it up by a leg and set it down on the ground in her enclosure.
Licking her lips in anticipation, she bounded over to it, tugging at the flesh and spitting out the fur with a frown. I sat next to her on the ground, staring off into the distance. Why should Asha miss out on her walk just because Zach was off seeing his girlfriend? The lions here were pretty used to seeing people out and about on safari, and most of the time they’d ignore you. If they did approach too close, I’d seen Zach frighten them off by shouting and waving his arms, and I was perfectly capable of doing the same. What was the worst that could happen?
After Asha finished licking the bones clean, I stood up and called to her. She followed eagerly as we walked off into the bush but kept stopping and looking around for Zach.
‘He’s not coming,’ I said. ‘He’s got better things to do than hang around with us.’ And that’s when the realisation struck me.
I missed him.
A loud grumble emanating from deep within Asha’s throat interrupted my thoughts. She stood stock still, one paw still raised in mid-walk. I looked down sharply at her strange behaviour and saw she was staring at a group of about six lionesses crouched behind some bushes a short distance away and well-hidden. If it hadn’t been for Asha, I wouldn’t even have noticed them. They were carefully watching a herd of wildebeest, sizing them up as a potential meal.
I grabbed tightly on Asha’s lead, winding it around my hand until it dug in, and watched two of the lionesses move silently to the side of the unsuspecting herd. Two others flanked the opposite side. Another lioness brought up the rear. When one of the wildebeest looked up, the lions remained like statues, their golden coats blending into the dry grasses. I could feel an electric tension in the air as the lionesses silently communicated their teamwork to each other.
In a burst of speed, the lionesses bolted towards the herd. In their rush to get away, the wildebeest honked and kicked up the dusty ground, but in the panic, one of the adolescents ran straight for one of the lionesses. In seconds it was on the ground, with one lioness strangling it in a choke hold, and the others already biting into its rump.
I turned my face away, not wanting to see the carnage, and then I felt Asha tugging on the lead. I looked down at her as she struggled to get away from me. Then I saw two of the lionesses running towards us, their muzzles bright red with blood.
There was no time to think, I just ran, dragging Asha behind me. There was a nearby tree. If we could make it up there, we’d be safe.
I reached the tree and started climbing, my skills insta
ntly kicking in.
‘Come on, Asha.’ I pulled the lead, the urgency in my voice and her natural instincts spurring her to jump expertly onto the trunk behind me. All the climbing lessons I’d given her had paid off, and she moved upward through the branches with a natural ease.
We reached a fork in the trunk about four metres up, and I looked down at two of the lionesses pacing round the bottom of the tree, their eyes fixed on us with unflinching coldness. They roared a sickening death rumble, the black tips of their tails lashing around with fury.
Still we climbed higher, the blood pounding in my ears and my breath coming in panicked pants. Asha misjudged one of the branches and her back legs slipped.
I gasped and grabbed her collar.
She clung onto the branch and quickly found her balance again, her back paws seeking out a new section of branch.
The lions jumped up the trunk. The bigger one fell back down, but the other one kept coming, climbing up the big lower branches with ease until it reached the fork. I didn’t have a clue lions could climb, and I just hoped that we could do it better.
The lioness in the tree tentatively tested the upper branches with a paw before climbing higher, while the lioness on the ground paced around, looking up at us, eyes flashing in the dusk. I could hear the rest of the pride snarling and snapping at each other as they devoured the wildebeest.
I held my breath and crept higher, making sure Asha was close behind. She was panting, her eyes wide and her pupils huge. There was no way we could go any further. The branches at the top were too thin and wouldn’t be able to hold our weight. I sat with my legs either side of a branch, my thighs squeezed together, firmly fixing me in place as I held onto Asha’s collar tightly. She lay next to me, balanced on a branch, her tail flicking nervously in the air as she stared down at the lionesses.
I watched the lioness in the tree stop on one of the branches, looking up at us. She bared her teeth and roared at us, trying to work out how to go higher.