by Dianne Drake
So did Tyler.
“I’m sorry, Dr. Galbraith, but I just can’t do it. He wore me out chasing after him, and it’s only been half a day. He’s too…destructive, and I simply can’t have him in my house.” As proof, Mrs. Prestwick held up the headless porcelain figurine Tyler had broken. That, and the lamp for which James had already compensated her. “I hate to give you such sort notice, but you can’t bring Tyler back here.” Emphatic words. The same words he’d heard from Mrs. Powers and Grandma Addy…the three most highly recommended care-givers in White Elk. Three days, three bridges burned, and James was at his wit’s end now. He had to work, had to take care of Tyler and, at this moment those two parts of his life were clashing in a big way. “I don’t suppose you could recommend anyone else, could you?” he asked the gray-haired septuagenarian.
She shook her head, backing away from her front door as hastily as she could, practically shutting the door in James’s face. He looked down at Tyler, who seemed preoccupied by the snowflakes falling on the evergreen bushes. “I thought you were going to behave,” he said, trying to be patient. “We talked about it the last time you stayed with me and we talked about it just this morning. Remember? Remember how you promised me that you would be good?” For Mrs. Powers it had been about a dozen raw eggs and a pound of ground coffee, all stirred into a nice little cake in the middle of her kitchen floor…a floor that had enough slope that it had facilitated the slithering of that mess to a spot underneath the refrigerator, which had required James to move the fridge and do the cleaning. For Grandma Addy it had involved the hiding of her hearing aid in the trash can just before the trash had been tossed out. Luckily, Grandma Addy had a spare, but James was going to have to take time off work to take her to Salt Lake City and get fitted for another.
“Tell me, Tyler, why did you break Mrs. Prestwick’s things?” He wanted to understand him. Wanted to get to know him and find out why he did what he did, but so far Tyler had resisted pretty much every effort James had made, just like the two previous times when James had taken care of him.
Tyler shrugged, still more interested in the snowflakes.
James huffed out the impatient sigh he’d tried holding in. Three days, and he was all out of ideas. Yet he couldn’t get angry with Tyler. In spite of everything, he loved his son and didn’t blame him for the bad behavior. It was a reaction to his life, to the way he’d been tossed around. Sadly, as hard as James tried to be responsive to Tyler, the boy always pulled away from him. First time, second time and this time. Nothing about that had changed. Nothing about the fact that he’d missed the first years of Tyler’s life would change and he wondered if he’d known about Tyler all that time, if he’d had a hand in raising him, in being his dad, whether Tyler would be so destructive now. Things to wonder about, but things he’d never know since Shelly hadn’t told him about Tyler until her husband had forced her into it. “Well, for now you’re going to have to come back to work with me.” And do what? James didn’t have a clue. Not a single, solitary clue. “Look, Tyler, I don’t know what it is you’ve got against these women, but we need to make arrangements for you while I’m at work.” He held out his hand to Tyler, but Tyler reflexively shoved his hands into his coat pockets.
James could have pushed the issue, insisted Tyler take his hand, physically demanded it, but what good would that do? Upsetting a five-year-old that way didn’t prove a thing and somehow James had the idea that the things Tyler needed proved to him were profound and deep. “What I need from you is some co-operation. I know you don’t like being here, that none of this was your idea, but right now we’ve got to make the best of it. Figure out what’s going to make you happy…” He glanced out to the road in time to see Fallon drive by. She was headed in the direction of home, and as he watched her car wind its way down the road, the longing hit hard.
He wondered again whether he could have handled things differently after her accident. She’d needed him and he’d clearly been divided. Her needs, Tyler’s needs, adjusting to fatherhood…yet he’d always thought that he could get through it and give everybody what they required. Clearly, he’d been wrong and even now, while he didn’t know what it was, he was convinced Fallon had needed something he hadn’t been able to give her. The hell of it was, he hadn’t even realized it at the time. It was all afterthought, and filled with so many unanswered questions. But he’d been desperate back then, doing his best. Yet Fallon had insisted she understood his absences, his distractions, his moods—in short, that she was OK without him. He’d believed her, too. Trusted her. After all, Fallon was a strong woman, even with her injuries. She was a fighter, and that was something else he trusted.
But maybe he’d taken that strength too for granted, the way people in White Elk had taken her competence for granted. Maybe the brave face she’d always put on for him hadn’t been so brave. And he’d never realized it. Never once questioned it.
Then the morning Shelly had taken Tyler away from him, he’d gone to Fallon’s hospital room to apologize for not being there for her as much as he’d wanted. But the room had been empty, the bed stripped of its linens. There had been nothing to suggest she’d ever been there. The nurses had told him she’d gone to a rehabilitation hospital, without telling anyone which one. Or, if they knew, their loyalty to Fallon had kept them from revealing it.
Could he have done things differently? Probably. Would it have made a difference to his relationship with Fallon? That, he didn’t know.
“There’s someone I want you to meet,” he said, glancing down at Tyler then back at Fallon’s car, which was turning onto a side street. He loved Fallon, and he loved Tyler. It was time to set at least one of his mistakes right. “Look, Tyler, we’re going to make a quick stop before we go to the hospital, and I need you to be on your very best behavior. Do you think you can do that for me?”
Naturally, Tyler didn’t respond. All he did was follow James to the car, and crawl into the back seat after James opened the door for him. Dutifully, the little boy fastened his seat belt then he sat there like a perfect little gentleman, hands folded in his lap, staring out the window.
For a moment James studied Tyler in the rear-view mirror once he’d settled himself into the driver’s seat, wondering what went on in the child’s mind. Wondering what he could do to find out.
Wondering what he could do to make Tyler accept him as his father.
CHAPTER THREE
“I WANTED to see how you’re doing,” James said, brushing the snowflakes from his hair.
She hadn’t even had time to take off her scarf. “I’m keeping busy,” Fallon said, being careful to keep her back to him lest any expression of excitement or expectation accidentally crossed her face. After all, he hadn’t come back to walk with her after that first time, although she’d half expected him to. Maybe even subconsciously wanted him to. He hadn’t called either, and she’d half expected that. But it was probably for the best. She was working now. Not so many hours, but the progress was steady and Fallon was pleased that they were moving in the right direction to get the Three Sisters Women’s Clinic and Hospital set up and staffed. It felt good to be busy again, she had to admit.
“The hospital is coming along nicely. I’m in the process of ordering room equipment right now…beds, tables, those sorts of things. And I’m beginning to go through job applications, trying to figure out what kind of staffing we’ll need.”
“I’d intended on stopping by sooner, maybe taking another morning walk with you. But things have gotten pretty hectic, and—”
“And that’s fine. I prefer my walks in solitude.” Once though, she hadn’t. “It keeps life less complicated that way.”
“Maybe it does,” he said, almost under his breath. “Anyway, I saw you drive by, and as I was in the area I thought I’d stop by for a minute to see how you’re doing.”
Finally, she turned to face him. Not that she wanted to, but she had the feeling that if she didn’t, he might linger there in the doorway indefi
nitely…standing there, waiting for something, anything, from her. This was so awkward. She’d made love to this man. Spent nights in his arms, laughing, talking, pouring out hopes and dreams, being happier than she’d ever been in her life. Had had his baby. And now the only thing between them was cold, white awkwardness. It hurt, and she couldn’t be anything but unapproachable. Because being anything more only encouraged him, and he deserved better than make-believe encouragement. “Look, I appreciate you coming by,” she said, fixing her stare on the floor for she knew what fixing her stare on his beautiful eyes would do. “But I’ve got catalogs to go through, and some phone calls to—”
“Bathroom. Now!”
The tiny voice came from behind James, and Fallon immediately stepped sideways to take a look. Gasped when she saw the child. Felt her heart start to race when she noticed his startling resemblance to James.
“Now!” the little boy said. His face was deadly serious. Full of anger. An expression much too old for someone so young.
“Down the hall,” she said, pointing to it. “First door.”
Without a word, the child scampered out from behind James and ran down the hall, leaving a trail of slushy water and dirty snow in his wake.
“Sorry about that,” James said. “I told him to stay in the car.”
“When nature calls…” Fallon said, her voice not quite steady. This little boy was so much like the one she’d dreamt her own little boy would be that all the emotion she’d been fighting to hold back for so long was now fighting against her. This moment of realization unnerved her so badly that she had to back up to the wall to steady herself. This wasn’t her son, she knew that. But she felt the instant connection as this was her son’s brother. “I assume…assume that’s Tyler?”
“Shelly dropped him off again a few days ago.”
She swallowed back her emotion. She had to. There was no other way to do this with James. “A-and are you happy?” She knew he was. Happy, worried. Relieved.
“More than you can imagine. Although being his dad scares me because it’s a lot of responsibility I never expected to have…at least, not right away. Not without you.”
“Give it time,” she said, ignoring his last comment. “The adjustment for Tyler is just as big as yours. But you’ll both do fine once you’re used to each other.” Thinking about James and Tyler getting to know each other, working out their lives together, caused a lump to form in her throat when she thought about their child, their little boy…how they’d never have the chance to work out their lives with him. But seeing Tyler made the loss so acute again, like those first days after she’d lost her own baby. Suddenly she had to spin away from James lest he see the tears welling in her eyes. “He’s cute, James,” she said, walking away from the door. “I’m guessing he’s, what? Five or six? You may have told me, but I don’t remember.”
“Five.”
“And still so active?” That was a polite way of describing what James had told her early on about Tyler’s behavior.
In answer to her question, a loud crash coming from the bathroom sent them both running down the hall to the open door where Tyler was standing, totally unaffected by the mess he’d made pulling a shelf of lotions and cosmetics right off the wall. And it had taken some doing, as it was hung a good three feet higher than Tyler was tall.
“He must have climbed up on the sink,” Fallon said, bending to pick up a bottle of lotion. Only the bottom of the bottle had broken and when she lifted the bottle from the floor, its bottom, along with its contents, remained there, leaving Fallon holding a bottomless, empty bottle.
“Tyler,” James said, his voice so quiet and controlled it was brittle.
“I’m sure it was an accident,” she said, not sure what else to say, or do.
“I’m sure it was not,” James responded.
“Maybe we should ask Tyler,” Fallon said, quite surprised that he seemed totally unaffected by the whole matter. Most children his age would be scared, on the verge of tears. But Tyler had his shoulders squared, his jaw set, his arms folded belligerently across his chest. Getting ready to do battle was what Fallon immediately thought of. This child was getting ready to square off with someone. “Was it an accident, Tyler?” she asked, suddenly feeling protective of the boy.
He didn’t answer. Instead, he stared straight ahead at the hall, barely blinking.
“Tyler?” she asked again.
Again, no response. She glanced up at James, who seemed in agony. Then she glanced back at Tyler, and saw just a flash of that same agony, and the need to come to his defense in some way, to make the situation a little better for him, overtook her. “Look, Tyler, I’m not going to punish you for breaking my shelf. But here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to go find some rags so you can clean up the lotions and everything else that spilled on the floor. And while I’m doing that, stand back so we can get the glass picked up. We don’t want you cutting yourself while you’re cleaning.”
“We’ve been having a rough time,” James admitted, not so much in defense of what Tyler had done as in explanation.
“I guess you have. And it looks to me like Tyler…” Before she could finish, James’s cellphone rang, and he seemed almost grateful for the interruption. Too grateful, she decided as James walked away, leaving her there to make sure Tyler didn’t do something to hurt himself. Half a minute later, James returned, red-faced.
“Look, I know I don’t have a right to ask this, but…I have an emergency up on Pine Ridge, a child with a broken leg, and I really can’t take Tyler with me. He’s…” He glanced down at the boy. “He’s having a rough time right now, as you’ve already seen, and I don’t have anyplace else for him to stay yet. He’s been through three babysitters in as many days, and I haven’t had time to find someone else to look after him while I’m at work. I wouldn’t normally impose on you, but it may be a compound fracture, and I need to get the child stabilized before transport…”
“Just go,” she said, not sure why. “Take care of your patient, and I’ll look after Tyler.” She glanced down at Tyler, who was eyeing another hanging shelf and trying to inch his way in its direction without being noticed. “But only for a little while.”
“You don’t know how much I appreciate that,” James said, the expression on his face turning into genuine relief. “We’ll talk when I get back, OK? I have so much I need to tell you.”
Fallon reached out and took hold of Tyler’s arm to keep him from moving any closer to his next target. “When you know how long this is going to take, call me, will you?”
Instinctively, James bent to kiss Fallon’s cheek, but she jerked away from him. So he simply nodded then bent to Tyler who jerked away, too. “You be good, and don’t break anything else, you hear me?”
Tyler stared him in the eye, not defiantly, though. And didn’t answer. After several seconds James straightened up. “Like I said, we’ll talk,” he said, then turned and left, leaving Fallon alone with what she knew was going to turn the rest of her day into a royal disaster.
“So, Tyler,” she said, pulling him out into the hall, “tell me why you broke my shelf, and why, right this very minute, you’re thinking about breaking my other shelf.”
The boy’s eyes opened a bit wider, as if surprised that she could anticipate what he was thinking.
Fallon laughed. “You do want to pull down the other shelf, don’t you? Are you surprised that I know what you want to do?”
Naturally, he didn’t respond. But that didn’t surprise her. The answer was in his eyes. Big, beautiful eyes, like his father’s. So beautiful she ached with longing for what she’d lost. “So I don’t suppose I can trust you to stand here and not go back into the bathroom while I go find a broom to clean up the broken glass, can I?” Silly asking the question when she already knew the answer. “Which means you get to go with me.” She pointed in the direction of the utility room, but Tyler kept his eyes glued to the wall across from him. What kind of trauma had done that to him
? What kind of upset had caused such a young child to be so removed? James hadn’t told her much. Mostly, she’d heard just the anger from him over being left out of Tyler’s life, over the things he missed. Anger that sank to the heart of what she’d done to him herself, how she’d left him out, too.
And seeing Tyler, even with his problems, reminded her of how selfish she’d been. She’d made a choice that couldn’t be undone. Fought hard then lost. And never included James. It was the hardest thing she’d ever done because she’d loved that baby, wanted that baby. Should have been strong enough to carry that baby to term. But she hadn’t been, and the day her doctor had come to her and told her it was over…
Now she ached that their baby wasn’t in her arms. “Well, Tyler,” she said, trying to shake off the glum mood settling over her, “I don’t know if you’re hungry, but I am. And I think ice cream is a good afternoon snack. Care to have some with me?” she asked.
Naturally, Tyler didn’t answer. So Fallon decided to ignore him and hope that once she got the ice cream out of the freezer, he’d come to the kitchen. Bad reasoning, though. She’d been in the kitchen less than a minute when she heard a crash. A loud crash coming from the bathroom, followed by another… “Oh, my God!” she gasped, recognizing the sound of breaking glass.
Dropping the carton of ice cream on the floor, she ran to the bathroom to find that Tyler had pulled the second cosmetic shelf down. Along with it had come a large framed picture from the wall…its glass broken into hundreds of pieces and Tyler standing in the middle of the mess, his arms and hands bleeding.
Without a thought that she, herself, could get cut, Fallon ran straight to the boy, picked him up and got him out of the bathroom. But halfway down the hall he started fighting her, kicking and screaming.