by Dianne Drake
“It’s me. I didn’t want to alarm you so after I knocked I called to tell you that I’m here with my things.”
He was moving in tonight? Suddenly the thing she wanted, and dreaded, was happening, and she was a nervous wreck.
“Why now?” she said in wobbly greeting when she pulled open the door.
“Why not now?”
“Because I thought you’d move in once Tyler was released from the hospital.”
“But I’m not working now, not on call, so I thought this was as good a time as any. Unless you don’t want me yet, then I can…”
“What? Sleep in your car outside my house?”
Grinning, he looked almost as innocent as a young schoolboy. “Or bunk at the hospital in one of the on-call rooms until you’re ready for us.”
Why was it that just one smile was all it took and she was done for? “You don’t have to spend your night in an on-call room.”
“Then I can move in here, or is it back to the car?”
Now he was teasing her. She could see it in his eyes, in the way he couldn’t keep a straight face even though he tried. Her old feelings were pummeling her now, and she had to duck her head to hide her feelings from James. Because what she could read in his eyes, he could read in hers. That’s what had connected them initially. One look, she saw his soul. And he saw hers. “In here. I probably should send you back to the car, though,” she said, trying to sound grumpy.
“Then I’ll be right back.” After dropping a duffle bag on the entry hall floor, he headed back out to his car then returned almost immediately with a couple of suitcases. “This is all I’ve got. Didn’t bring any of the things with me from my apartment when I came here. Just a few clothes and some medical journals.”
“What about Tyler’s things?”
James shook his head. “Shelly didn’t leave anything for him. I bought him a few clothes to wear, but I haven’t had time to do much shopping for him yet. And he wasn’t exactly easy to take to the department store the one time I did try. Let’s just say that he was too exuberant with his opinion and we were kicked out within twenty minutes.”
“Maybe I’ll take him shopping when he’s up to it. If that’s OK with you.”
“Oh, it’s OK. I’d be grateful.”
So there it was. One minute into the arrangement, resolve already flying away. She was getting involved. But it was with Tyler. Not James. That’s what she had to tell herself. It was for Tyler.
Fallon stepped back as James walked fully into her house then she shut the door behind him. “You can have the spare room until Tyler moves in. It’s down the hall, near the back. Bathroom is…well, you know where that is. And when Tyler’s here you can have the couch in the living room, or there’s one in the den. It’s not as large, but you can shut the door and have your privacy. Take your pick. I’m upstairs, by the way, and there’s no reason for you to come up there. My office is behind the stairs on this floor, so while you’re here, it’s your responsibility to see that Tyler stays out.” She sounded like a cranky landlady all of a sudden, and it was all she could to do bite back a smile. Truth was, she’d rehearsed those words a few times. Out loud. Trying to sound churlish when she said them. She’d succeeded and she was a little proud of herself for it…proud that a little of that resolve was flying back through the window.
“Shall I have security bars installed at the bottom of the stairway?” James teased. “And another on your bedroom door?”
OK, so maybe she hadn’t sounded as churlish as she’d wanted to. Resolve flying back out again. Then, to make matters worse, he didn’t even try biting back his smile. It was broad, and so infectious Fallon glanced away so he wouldn’t see the corners of her lips turning up. He always did that, always cured her disagreeable moods with a simple smile.
“Are you smiling, Fallon?” he asked.
“No,” she lied.
“Can I see?”
“No.”
“If I can’t have a look, I have to presume that you’re smiling.”
“I don’t smile.”
“If you don’t, it’s a pity, because you have the most beautiful smile in the world.”
She raised her head to look at him. “Flattery’s not going to get you to the top of the stairs, James, if that’s what you’re trying to do here.”
“I didn’t think it would. And so you’ll know, Fallon, I won’t take one step up those stairs unless you want me to. The only thing that will get me to the top will be your invitation, and you have my word on that.”
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“It’s not what I want, and you know that.” Instinctively, he reached out, placed his fingers gently under her chin and raised her face to him even more. “I love you, and it’s not going to be easy on me living here, knowing that you won’t have me. But I’ll respect your wishes. And your boundaries. Even if I don’t agree with them.”
“Thank you,” she said again, fighting the urge to cry. He was so kind and good, and so…chivalrous. In time, after she’d pushed him away enough, he would realize he didn’t want her any more. But for now he was being a perfect gentleman. Yet, God willing, if she could push hard enough, it would wear thin on him. Pray that day came quickly because, try as she may, she would slip. Sooner or later, she’d give in to that smile, to those twinkling eyes. Then she’d tell him her awful secret. And hurt him in ways she couldn’t even imagine. “Look, I was about to fix myself a cup of tea. Would you care to join me?”
“Are you sure you want me here?” he asked, quite seriously. “I know you asked because that’s just the thing you’d do. But do you really want me…us—here?”
“I wasn’t sure about it when I asked you, and nothing’s changed. But I’m not going back on my invitation. Tyler needs something other than a hotel room, and—”
“This arrangement is only about Tyler?” he asked, trying to sound neutral.
But Fallon heard no neutrality there…only hope, as she looked him square in the eye. “This is only about Tyler. I know what it’s like to be…abandoned. That’s what happened to me. My mother had me, didn’t want me, passed me off to anybody who wanted to be charitable for a while and take me in. So I know why he needs stability, especially for Christmas.”
“I’m so sorry, Fallon,” he whispered, reaching out to stroke her cheek. “I didn’t know that about you. You’d never told me, and you should have.”
So many things she hadn’t told him. She lurched back. “Don’t do that, James. I just…I just can’t deal with it.” For a moment, she thought about taking his single room at the lodge. Shutting herself in with the microwave and mini-fridge. It wouldn’t be so bad for a while, and she wouldn’t have to deal with this. But James needed help with Tyler, and part of having them live there was that help. Truth was, she wanted to help. Tyler really did need that stability. “Look, I think I’m going to go upstairs for a while. Help yourself to anything you need, feel free to make yourself at home, kick around, open cupboards, get yourself familiar with what’s here. Shout if you need something you can’t find.”
“I’m not sorry I touched you, Fallon. I’ll respect the boundaries from now on, like I promised, but I’m not sorry.”
“You’re going to make this difficult for me, aren’t you?”
“It’s not my intention. But you know what? It’s difficult on me, too. You know how I feel about you, but what you don’t know is how I feel every time you push me away. It’s killing me.”
She thrust her hand to stop him. “Don’t!” she said. “Don’t tell me. Don’t tell me…anything, because I don’t want to know.” Miserably, she already knew, but what James didn’t fathom was how each time she pushed him away a tiny piece of her heart broke off. She was losing herself, one shred at a time, and the pain of it was unrelenting. It was a wound that would not heal. Not ever. And, she’d never show it to him. Because once he saw the weakness, he’d find his way in.
Stretching out on the couch in the den, James stared up at the ceiling,
wondering if her bed was above him. He imagined that it was, and that she was sleeping there. He loved the way she slept…on her side, cuddled into a little ball. He remembered their first night together when he’d stayed awake hours, just watching her. He’d been tempted to disturb her, just to see if she would cuddle into him, but he hadn’t. Second night, she’d cuddled into him, and he’d thought that was the way he wanted to spend every night for the rest of his life. “And we will, Fallon,” he promised himself. “But I’ve got to find a way to convince you that you want it as much as I do.”
Working on that solution was cut short by a phone call, though. It was Neil Ranard, informing him that every available medic in the White Elk Valley was being called out. The lodge on the Little Sister was on fire! Grease fire in the kitchen, spreading.
“Fallon!” James yelled, jumping up from the couch. “Medical emergency! Neil says he needs your help!”
She was down the stairs in a flash, blanket wrapped around her shoulders. “What?” she gasped.
“Fire. Lodge up on the Little Sister. He wants you in the ER, in charge of triage. Wants me in the ER, too.”
Surprisingly, she didn’t protest, didn’t even think about it. Instead, she dropped the blanket to the floor and headed back to the stairs. “Give me three minutes to get ready,” she called back over her shoulder on her way up. James could hear her footsteps pounding on the wooden floorboards upstairs. That was Fallon O’Gara preparing to do what she’d been put on this earth to do—be a nurse. It was a good sound to hear. Gave him hope for other things. Made him glad to know that Fallon wouldn’t turn away when she was needed.
It was a good sign, seeing how the woman he’d come to love so quickly didn’t turn away when she was needed. Except from him. Sadly, she’d found that easy to do.
Fifteen minutes after the initial callout, James and Fallon crashed through the emergency room doors together, shoulder to shoulder, and ran straight into a wall of volunteers and medical personnel alike. People Fallon knew, people who always responded when there was a need. People waiting for her instructions.
“How many doctors do we have?” she asked Emoline Putters, the night clerk in charge of the emergency desk.
“Two, so far. Dr. Galbraith and Dr. Ranard…Gabby. She’s on her way in as soon as Angela Blanchard gets there to look after Bryce. She’ll be on light duty, considering her condition. Walt Graham may be heading into town, too. And Henry Gunther.” A retired obstetrician and a semi-retired anesthesiologist.
“Dr. Eric Ramsey isn’t here?”
Emoline, a tight-faced woman with gray-and brown-streaked hair pulled into a knot at the nape of her neck, shook her head. “He went out with Dr. Neil Ranard. First time back on the rescue for him. Dr. McGinnis went out with him, too. I’ve been trying to locate Dr. Stafford to come in, but so far he isn’t answering his cellphone.”
Fallon spun to face James. “How much experience do you have with treating burns?” she asked. It was a difficult specialty, took stamina. In her opinion, burns were the worst of the worst to tend, and she never assigned anyone to burns unless they had the experience. Some of the doctors who passed through here wouldn’t treat burns unless absolutely forced to.
“I worked in the pediatric side of the burn unit back in Salt Lake City,” he said. “I’m not a burn specialist by a long shot, but I can do the initial assessments and stabilize them. Get them ready to transport to a burn unit.”
“Well, we’re not set up with a specific burn room, but exam five is larger, probably the best one.” She motioned for one of the volunteers to come over. Dave Ellis, the town dentist. “Dave, you go with Dr. Galbraith, and get the room ready. He’ll tell you what he needs. You can hang the IVs and get the saline ready.” She also signaled Catie, the owner of Catie’s Overlook, to help. Catie would fetch, Dave would actually assume some of the medical duty.
“Who are these people?” James whispered to her.
“They’re not trained to do the actual rescue out in the field, but I’ve trained them to help in the ER—they run errands, go after supplies, carry messages, do whatever they can to help the medical staff. In the case of Dave Ellis, he’s got a fair amount of medical training as he’s a dentist, and he can do pretty much anything we need him to.”
“Amazing,” he said, looking around at the expanding sea of these volunteers. At least fifteen of them had wandered in now.
“Yes, they are,” she said, taking some pride in her little group.
“Not them. You. They’re here because of you, aren’t they?”
She looked up at him. Smiled. For a moment, an old longing filled her. She wanted to feel his arms around her, just a fleeting hug, but she stepped back before he saw the need reflected in her eyes. And he would. “They’re here because this is where they want to be. It has nothing to do with me.”
“I don’t believe that,” James argued. “Just look at the way they’re watching you, waiting for instructions.”
They were waiting for her and it was nice to be back. A little bit of normalcy in the midst of so many things that hadn’t been normal for so long. “Honestly, I’m a little nervous,” she whispered to him. “It’s been a while…not sure I’ll get my old rhythm back.”
“Smoke inhalation coming in…times three, ETA ten minutes,” Emoline shouted. “One critical, two stable.”
“You’re going to be fine,” James whispered, his lips practically brushing her ear. “It’s like riding a bicycle. You may not have been on one in a while, but once you get back on…”
She felt the tingle of his lips on her ear. It spread down her neck, down her arms, down to her toes. “Running an emergency is like riding a bicycle?” she asked, fighting not to visibly shiver.
“OK, so maybe the analogy was a little off, but you know what I mean.”
“Yes,” she whispered. “I do. And thank you for having that confidence in me.”
“I know who you are. And usually I might say something like, if you need me, you know where I am. But I don’t have to say that, Fallon, because you won’t need me.”
That wasn’t true. She’d needed him from the first moment she’d laid eyes on him. That would never change. For her, James was everything, and her need for him was so close to the surface it was nearly touchable.
“Burn coming in, ETA twenty minutes. They’re telling me it’s minor,” Emoline called out.
Fallon drew in a deep breath. Smiled at James, reached out and gave his hand a squeeze. “I’m glad you’re here tonight,” she said, then turned to the group. “OK, I need two of you at the door to keep it clear…” She gave the instructions, volunteers scurried to obey, and within mere minutes the emergency room was ready. A short time later, while she was awaiting the arrival of Gabby Ranard, who was going to be doctor in charge, her dear old friend Edith Weston staggered into the emergency room on her own, looking ashen, confused. “Don’t feel good…called a taxi…” The rest of her words were garbled as Fallon rushed forward to grab her when the old woman started to pitch forward.
One of the volunteers was there right away with a wheelchair, helping Edith into it. Fallon assessed her pupils immediately, took a pulse after that. “Edith, can you tell me what happened?”
Edith looked up at her, flashed confusion. “I think I may have had a slight stroke, dear. When the fire started, I was gathering up my photo albums, hurrying too much, then…” She shook her head. “I don’t remember.” Edith Weston lived at the lodge. Was one of White Elk’s grand matriarchs.
“We’re going to get you comfortable, Edith. Are you in any pain?”
The woman shook her head. “Just embarrassed that I’m taking up your time when you have so much to do.”
Fallon patted her hand. “Truth is, Edith, I’d rather have you taking up my time than anyone else.”
“I’m still sorry about my timing,” Edith managed. She reached out and took hold of Fallon’s hand. “But my home is burning down now, so I guess this is as good a place for
me as any.”
Edith was showing such courage in the face of adversity. It was something Fallon wished for herself, but her time for that kind of courage had passed, and she’d proved herself lacking. “Did you get your photo albums?” Fallon asked. “Before you had to leave, were you able to find them?”
“Most of them. The important ones. One of the firefighters put them aside for me, promised he’d bring them to the hospital for me later. Those are my memories, Fallon. Good and bad, memories are the things we can hold dear when everything else is gone.”
“Well, I’ll make sure they get to your room. And, Edith, if you need anything…anything…please let me know.” Edith was like the grandmother she’d never had. The one who’d baked her cookies over the years, and listened to her when everything had been falling apart. Edith had come to sit with her in the rehabilitation hospital, the only person she’d asked to be there while fighting for her life at first, then fighting to keep her baby. She hadn’t included Gabby or Dinah, hadn’t included James. But she’d turned to Edith because she’d needed the comfort of a mother or grandmother. Someone who’d seen life and known its pain. Someone whose sympathy was expressed in her eyes, and by the way she’d held Fallon’s hand in the roughest hours. Her other friends would have cried, their eyes would have been sad. But what Edith had given her had been poised composure at a time when that’s what she’d needed more than anything. “But right now we need to get you into bed and make sure you’re as comfortable as possible. Then get a doctor in to see you.”
Edith looked up at Fallon and there were no lies to be told in the eyes of either woman. “I worry about you, Fallon. When I knew he was here… You’re not making it right between you two yet, are you? You haven’t told him the things he has a right to know?”
“And hurt him?”
“Pain is part of life, my dear. Once in a while it makes us grow stronger. Often, when it’s shared with those we love, we become better for it.”
“I made bad choices, Edith. You know that. You were there, telling me to do the right thing. And I wasn’t listening to you.”