by Dianne Drake
“Or is this what you don’t want?” He pressed his lips harder to hers this time. Parted her lips with his tongue and met her tongue in an instant fury.
Her hands snaked around his neck and her fingers inched upwards, entwining in his hair, massaging his scalp. Bodies pressed tighter, and even through the bulk of their jackets she could feel his erection pressing against her pelvis. She pushed into him, deepened the kiss, groaned.
But then he pulled back. “Is that what you don’t want, Fallon? Because from this side of the kiss, I felt you kissing me back.”
She wanted to be the one who took a step back now, but there was nothing in her that forced her to move. She could barely breathe. Barely focus. Barely think. Because James was right. She was kissing him back. And more. Just like always, this was where it had started with them. A simple kiss was never simple. A fond embrace was always filled with the expectation of so much more. “What I used to enjoy has nothing to do with the way things are now,” she finally managed to choke out.
“Used to enjoy, Fallon? There were two people in that kiss, and both of them were enjoying it. So, the way things are now is that you’re resisting me. For whatever reason, and I wish to God you’d be honest with me about it, you’re resisting me.”
She braced herself to the next part of the round. “And what would you have had me do when you kissed me? Slap you in front of your son? He’s looking at us right now, you know that, don’t you? Do you really want me to put on a spectacle for him, because I can do it.”
James stepped back, blew out an exasperated breath. “Why has it become such a battle between us? I love you, I’m pretty sure you still love me. So shouldn’t we be able to find something in there that’s simple? A place where we can start from that and rebuild what we had, or what we were trying to have, before your accident?”
“Nothing’s ever simple, James. If there’s one thing I learned when I was a child, that’s it. Nothing is ever simple, and there’s no point in pretending that it can be.” She pulled up her scarf. “I think Tyler has found his tree, so I’m going to go make arrangements to have it delivered.”
James didn’t respond, but the look on his face, as he turned to go after Tyler said it all. She’d slapped him without raising her hand. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe now he’d leave her alone. Or alone long enough to get her armor up again. This time, though, she’d have to put on the whole armor rather than the bits and pieces she’d donned before in the hope that was enough. Because it was clear it wasn’t enough. Which meant she now had to gird herself to go the distance because if she didn’t, she’d end up hurting the person she loved most in the world. Her armor…it was to protect James. Not her. She’d faced the facts…her facts…months ago. They might be living as a family now, but it was only for show because Tyler needed the solidarity for a time. As soon as James was able to find a place for the two of them, she’d put an end to it once, and for ever.
That’s the only way it could be because of what she’d done. This was for James. Only for James.
Eight hours into his shift and he was restless. He wanted to go home. “Home,” he muttered, on his way down to exam three to treat a two-year-old with sniffles. “Like I’ve got a home.”
“You need a place to stay?” Emoline Putters asked, as he passed by her desk. “Because I’ve got a big old house up on Ridgeview Road just sitting empty. Too big for me now that my husband is gone, and I hated rattling around in there all by myself, so I took an apartment closer to the hospital, and haven’t gotten around to doing anything with the house. But it’s got all my furniture, and it’s in good shape, if you want to rent it. Or even buy it.”
It wasn’t what he wanted to hear, because he didn’t want to move out of Fallon’s cabin. It was too small for the three of them, though. And the tension building up…
“Big yard, too, for that boy of yours. Part of it’s fenced in. Did that when my own children were young. The back of the property backs up to several acres of woods leading up into the foothills a piece. Nice place for a boy to go tromping around with his dad. Had a lot of good years in that house, and now it’s time to let another family enjoy it.”
Another family…his family of two. “Sounds perfect, Emoline. I’d like to take a look. Might take me a couple days to find a hole in my schedule, though. We’re getting into the cold and flu season, and the clinic’s pretty backed up right now.” One step. That’s all it was. He was going to look at a house. One step, but it was a big one.
“Sure. Stop by my desk later, and I’ll give you the keys. You can go take a look when you’re ready.”
“How long has it been empty?”
Emoline Putters, usually prickly and irascible, drew in a deep breath, and at the end of it there was sadness on her face. A sadness that told James so much about her. She’d loved deeply, and hadn’t gotten over the loss of that love. “Going on to five years now. Ed Lester, the head of hospital maintenance, goes up every couple of weeks and looks after it for me because I haven’t been able to do anything about it. But I think you’d be good there, and it’s time for that old house to see some new life.”
Impulsively, James gave the woman a hug and, surprisingly, she didn’t stiffen under his embrace, as he’d expected from her. It occurred to him that she wasn’t prickly and irascible as much as she was lonely, and trying to hide it. She’d mellowed, though. Found the right time, and the right reason, and mellowed, the way he hoped Fallon would. “I appreciate the offer,” he said. “And I’ll get up there as soon as I can.”
“Where you need to get is down to exam three. They’ve been waiting too long for you, and there’s no excuse to keep a sick child waiting all this time.”
She cleared her throat, thrust the patient chart at him and marched away, all prickly again. Except James knew better about Emoline. Just the way he knew better about Fallon. It did make him wonder, though, why Fallon was set on imitating Emoline Putters…being all prickly and irascible. Emoline, as it turned out, had a side to her he hadn’t known. So was there a side to Fallon he’d never seen? Something he didn’t know, or she didn’t want him to know?
“We’ll go just as soon as I make one more phone call,” Fallon promised. Tyler had been having a fit all morning. He wanted to bring the tree inside, he wanted to move the furniture. He really wanted to go buy decorations, and he’d been very loud about that. Loud about being bored. Loud about not having a video game to play with. Loud… And she was getting a headache, because everything she’d planned for her day had gone bust. Each and every time she’d picked up the phone, he’d knocked something off the shelf. When she’d picked up her catalogs to peruse the pages for various obstetric exam tables, he’d started stomping around the house so loudly she hadn’t been able to concentrate. Hours of this, and she was at her wit’s end. She understood that he was bored. She honestly did feel badly about that because there was nothing here for a five-year-old to do. No toys, no children to play with. No nothing! And to top it off, she couldn’t even allow him to go outside and play in the snow because her yard wasn’t fenced and she didn’t have time to watch him. As little as he’d slept last night, and as early as he’d gotten up this morning, she’d thought he’d be ready for a nice, long nap. But when she’d suggested it, he’d put his hands over his ears then started yelling.
The final straw was a preliminary interview for the post of chief of nursing. She was trying to prequalify a candidate by phone, so the woman wouldn’t have to make the long trip there before Fallon was able to check her credentials and get recommendations. In the middle of the ten-minute interview Tyler had unplugged the phone. Actually, not unplugged it so much as ripped it from the wall. So now she needed a service call to repair the damage, and she was reduced to using her cellphone, which had marginal reception out here.
“I don’t want to wait,” Tyler said sullenly. “You promised to take me, and I want to go now!”
“I know I promised, but—”
“Nobody ev
er does what they say,” he grumbled.
That caught her attention. And she wondered if Tyler might be reacting from some of the tension between her and James. It was certainly a possibility. He’d built up a few hopes, and with the way she and James were getting along now saw the possibility that he’d be let down yet again. “Who never does what they say?”
“Everybody. They promise me I can stay this time then I can’t. And they promise me they’ll quit yelling, but they never do.”
His home. He was talking about his home…his other home with his mother. So much insight in so few words. And now she felt terrible, because she knew, for certain, that Tyler was feeling that same kind of insecurity here. While she and James had been saying this was about Tyler, they’d turned it into something about them and Tyler was watching from the sidelines. “Well, I don’t break my promises, Tyler. Occasionally it takes me a while to get to them, but I always do. Here’s the thing. Sometimes I’m not sure what a boy your age needs to be doing. I never had any little brothers, don’t have any little boys of my own…so once in a while someone has to tell me. But not by yelling, and stomping around the house.”
“How?” he asked.
“By telling me. Just say, Fallon, I need something to do.”
He thought about it for a moment and she could see the concentration in his eyes as he analyzed all sides of what she’d just told him. He was so much like James. The more she got to know Tyler, the more she saw the similarities.
“Fallon, I need something to do,” Tyler finally said. He didn’t sound sure of himself. It was like he was trying out the concept to see if it worked, to see if she kept her word.
“Tyler, I just happen to have something for you to do.”
His eyes lit up. “You do?”
“I think you need to go sledding. And, as luck would have it, I have an old sled in the storage shed out back.”
“What’s that?” he asked, still cautious.
“You’ve never heard of a sled?”
He shook his head.
“It’s better than a video game. Actually, it’s almost like a video game, only instead of you pushing the buttons that make the game do different things, you’re the one who’s doing everything.”
The look on Tyler’s face showed marginal interest, mixed with healthy skepticism.
“Want me to prove it to you?”
He shrugged. Still didn’t believe she was about to make good on her promise. Poor child. He was too use to being let down and it just made her ache for him. “It’s up to you, Tyler. If you want something to do, this is all I’ve got right now.”
“I’ll go sledding,” he said, much too reserved for a five-year-old on the verge of an adventure.
“Good choice.” Fallon reached out to pat him on the back, but he jerked away. “So, do you have any boots?”
He shook his head.
“Mittens, scarf, hat?”
No again.
“Then I’d say we run to town and buy you some sledding clothes. Is that OK with you?”
Twenty minutes later they were barely inside the mercantile when Dinah Ramsey and her twin daughters Paige and Pippa practically pounced on them. Dinah immediately ran to Fallon and pulled her into her arms. “Are you OK?” she whispered. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“Tension. It’s not so good between James and me, and I’m worried about Tyler. I think what James and I are going through is affecting him.”
“And he reminds you of your own little boy?”
“My own little boy never drew a breath!” she said, stiffening.
“Your child is your child, Fallon. You and James should have grieved together.”
Fallon turned her head, blinked back the tears. “Sometimes when I watch Tyler I think that he could have been mine. And it hurts so bad.”
“But isn’t this something you and James should be going through together?”
“What I did to him…”
“Fallon, you were fighting for your own life from all the injuries. And fighting to keep your baby at the same time. You were confused, and no one could blame you for your decisions. I mean, I can’t even begin to imagine what you experienced, what you were thinking. And I’m sure if James knew…”
“That’s the thing. He should have known. It wouldn’t have made a difference in the way things turned out, but he had a son he didn’t know about. And I’ve seen how hurt he was by what Shelly did to him. So how could I put him through that again, especially when our son didn’t survive?”
“I think you’re underestimating him.”
“I think I’m protecting him.”
“But does James really need protection, Fallon? Think about it.”
“That’s practically all I think about, and I’m…”
“Scared to death?” Dinah asked. “Afraid that if you tell James he had a son who died, James will quit loving you?”
“I don’t know, Dinah. I really don’t know.”
“Well, the one thing I know is that our children are getting impatient.” They glanced at the trio, Tyler, Pippa and Paige, who were glaring back at them.
“I promised Tyler we’d go sledding, and he’s used to having promises broken.”
“Well, I have a fantastic idea. I’m going to take the girls sledding out on Porter’s Bluff. It’s a mild little hill, perfect for younger children. How about I take Tyler with us? He seems to be getting along well with them and maybe…” Dinah hesitated.
“It will do him good to get away from me?”
“Maybe it will give you and James some time to talk. Alone.”
It made sense, but the only thing was, she was scared to death of time alone with James. Of course, she could shut her office door and work. That, if nothing else, was the incentive she needed to let Dinah take Tyler for a while. “He throws tantrums,” she warned.
“Eric’s told me.”
“And breaks things.”
Dinah nodded, then laughed. “And the twins will outnumber him two to one. I think we’ll manage.”
“Let me ask him, then.” She watched Tyler and the girls for a moment, and saw a little boy who was just like any other little boy his age should be. Boasting to the girls, showing off for them, happy, carefree. Tyler desperately needed a normal life, one he could count on. So did she.
“Tyler,” she said, bending down next to him, “would you like to go sledding with Paige and Pippa? Mrs. Ramsey has offered to take you with them, but I wanted to ask you, as I’d promised to take you, too.”
He glanced at the girls then back at Fallon. “I’ll go with them. They have three different kinds of sleds, including a round one, which they say goes faster than a regular one, and all you have is a regular one.”
From the child who’d never heard of sledding to the one who was a five-year-old expert. The transformation was amazing, and Fallon was pleased with her decision.
She was still smiling about it two hours later when James wandered in, surprised not to find Tyler there. “Two very pretty young girls had their sway. He chose them over me, and Dinah called a few minutes ago to say that they’re all going out for pizza later, so it looks like the old folks are left home, alone for the evening.”
“What you’re telling me is that he’s on a date with twins? Isn’t that every grown man’s fantasy?”
“He’s quite the ladies’ man. I mean, he perked right up for them, put on his best manners, puffed out his chest, did some bragging. You know, the typical thing all men do when they’re around pretty girls.”
“Well, how about I put on my best manners, puff out my chest, and take you up to Pine Ridge for dinner? Not a date. Just two people in need of a meal.”
It was tempting. It had been so long since she’d had a real night out…probably her last night out with James all those months ago. Admittedly, getting out more these past days was feeling so good. But this?
“We could sit at separate tables,” he said, grinning. “Me at one, you at the on
e behind it with your back to me.”
“I’m not that bad,” she said, laughing.
“You’re doing a lot for me, Fallon, and taking you to dinner is the least I can do to show you how much I appreciate everything.”
“We do need to talk about some things, because I think Tyler is picking up on our tension. Maybe we can figure out how to make it better for him.” She turned to the picture window, her back purposely to him. When she faced him, when she looked into his eyes, she couldn’t resist. And she had to keep her head about this.
“I wish you wouldn’t turn away from me, Fallon.”
He stepped up so close behind her she could feel the sparky little prickles on her flesh he always caused when he was so close. She remembered that feeling, savored it. Wanted it. But being alone with James was too difficult and, as much as she didn’t want to go out with him, she didn’t want to stay in with him even more. “Let me call Angela,” she said in response.
“Angela?”
“Angela Blanchard. She’s the executive chef. There’s a certain table…”
James stepped back. “I know. In the corner, facing a wall, behind a potted palm. Something that would never be construed as romantic.”
She spun to face him, saw a rare flash of anger cross his face. As much as she hated seeing it, she was glad. Perhaps, at least, James was beginning to realize that there was no relationship between them other than friendship. “Actually, that would be a nice table, except I don’t think they have one in that spot. I was going to ask for the one near the fireplace, away from the window. I’m still not ready to face that view yet. It overlooks the Middle Sister where…” Where everything about her life had changed.
The hard lines on his face softened. “I didn’t know. Would you rather we simply stay in?”
Staying in came with more peril than going out. Either way, she’d have to cope with something she didn’t want to. Staying here with James and risking the overtones of that, or facing a view of the thing she wasn’t sure she could ever look at again?