I know it’s wrong the moment the words leave my mouth, but tonight I am in need of a good time. I just want to numb everything away and let the demons have their way.
“Evan, did you bring me any candy it is my Birthday? That is why you’re here right?” I ask as I flick my tongue over his ear lobe.
“I wouldn’t miss spending this day with you for anything in this world.” Evan told me as he reached his hand up my thigh then began playing my core with his right hand. I push his hand back down my thigh.
“Stop teasing and drive.”
We make it to Evans apartment; he is renting a small place over the garage he is working at. I haven’t been inside but once, it’s so comfortable here though. He still has all the furniture we once shared, that life seems so long ago and yet so close at the same time.
Could I walk away from Evan so easily after all we have been through? Yes I can, I hope. It would be so easy to fall back into my old pattern and habits with him. Evan knows exactly what buttons to push to get his way with me; no he knows just how to manipulate me. He leads me into the kitchen and there is already a massive line of coke waiting on the counter for me.
Evan must have been confident I would come home with him. I do my line and the familiar burn and the tears that form as a result of the burn, don’t feel good like it usually would. It feels dirty, no pleasure in it what so ever. I excuse myself to the bathroom, and squirt some water up my nose, but it only makes it hurt worse.
I wash my make-up off and take my hair down. I slip out of my dress and before I can slip my sweats on Evan is peeking his head through the door.
“You okay Gracie?”
“I am fine, just wanted to freshen up, and put on something comfortable.” I cover my chest with my hands, but it isn’t like Evan hasn’t seen all of me before.
“I have missed the sight of you Grace. Fuck me! You are so beautiful. I don’t deserve you, but I am going to try like hell to be a man who is worthy of you.” He says stepping into the bathroom.
I look into his hazel eyes and part of me wants so badly to believe him, but the other part of me is sounding the alarms, this is just more of his stupid shit. Telling me what he thinks I want to hear. But my kitten doesn’t listen she is purring and ready to pounce.
So when Evan leans down to kiss me, I don’t stop him. I wrap my hands around his neck, and my legs around his waist. He sits me on the bathroom sink and a fire ignites in my stomach and heat rushes through my center. I lean my self back against the mirror and raise my butt up a little allowing him to remove my black lace panties. I unbutton his shirt and tug at his jeans.
“Slow down Gracie, you are going to enjoy this,” he breathes into my ear. Evan takes his time with me. He begins working me slowly, swiftly grazing my core with his tongue. He gently tugs on my bottom lip with his teeth. When he slides two fingers in, I am more than ready.
“You might not love me anymore, but give me this, and just for tonight pretend you still love me.”
“Just for tonight,” I moan in pleasure.
“Gracie let me make love to you baby.”
He groans as he lifts me off the counter to carry me to his bed, our bed, the one we used to share. I know it is immoral to be here with him, but that doesn’t stop me. I’m tired of caring. Evan knows every part of me inside and out. I don’t have to hide who I truly am with him. He reaches into the nightstand and takes out a condom. I slither it on him and allow him to take me. A few hours later, I awake in a daze. I almost forget where I am at until…
“Welcome home lover, this is where you belong.” He says as I stand to get dressed.
With those words my mind begins to function, and a terrible ache rips through my chest, lover is what Jax has called me more than once. I push against his bare chest with my fist and wished like hell that the hazel eyes looking down at me were electric blue instead.
“Evan, I’m sorry I can’t do this. I don’t even know why I came here tonight.”
“Grace don’t push me away again, I can’t lose you again.” He says taking a step closer, pushing himself against me once more.
“You and me, isn’t going to work, ever. I’m sorry. My coming here and being with you was wrong,” I slide past him and start putting my clothes back on.
“So this is it Grace, your going to walk out on me once more?” He firmly cups my face. “This wasn’t a mistake, no matter what’s happened in the past you know your mine. Grace, I love you.” He growls at me, but the look on his face tells me what I have always known since I found out about Evan and his many lies.
He wasn’t sure him self if he loved me or not. The lines between his lies and reality are nothing but a blur for him. I kiss him on the cheek and drive home to spend another night alone in my apartment and all I can think of is Jax. I cry myself to sleep.
I wake much too early at 8 A.M. The pounding in my head and blurred vision lets me know I had definitely drunk way too much. I sit in the floor of my apartment thinking of nothing and everything. I pictured Jax naked in the kitchen looking so sexy trying not to burn the place down. My heart winces at the thought of him. I drive downtown and walk across the bridge by Titan Stadium as I have many times before. I lean over the rail and looked out at the river the air is chilly, but it’s refreshing it reminds my lungs that I am alive. I say a silent good bye to Evan and to the girl I used to be.
Things need to change and I am the only one who can make it happen. I get back in my car after my walk on the bridge and my phone beeps. Jax’s picture flashes across the screen of him shirtless with his guitar. I hit ignore I am not ready to speak to him just yet. I will see if he leaves a message and go from there.
No message, I treat myself to lunch and a new pair of Jimmy’s. I am trying like hell not to give in and call Jax back. I said I would let him go. I need to be strong. The hurt and anger is sitting on my chest. Just one pill and I will be okay. I take a nerve pill to dull the ache. I make it home to find a vanilla envelope just under the edge of my door.
There isn’t a name or even an address. I lay it on the counter and grab a beer from my fridge. There is a light tap against my door. I open the door to find Jax standing on the other side.
“Can we talk?”
“Sure come on in.”
“Gracie I am so fucking sorry for how I reacted the other day. I have played it over in my head at least a million times. I want to be the one to help you through this.”
“What do you want from me Jax? I’m not some song you can rewrite. I’m broken, I have real problems. I have to be the one to fix them. I can’t ask this of you.”
“You’re not asking. I am giving it to you! I want to be the man you need, not Evan. I want you to pick me. Give me the chance to prove that I can be what you need. Choose me.”
“I don’t know what to say to you right now!” I take hard drink from my longneck and try not to get choked.
“Say you won’t ever see him again and that you are ready to allow me in.” He takes my beer from me and takes a swig as well.
“Is that what this is about? Some sort of pissing contest to be the better man?”
“This isn’t how I pictured this going Grace. I thought you would be happy to see me. But I--I haven’t been honest with you either. Sadie and I, well she is my wife. I have been trying to get a divorce from her but she refuses to sign the papers. I know I should have told you but we were married in secret and I always wanted it to stay that way.” Jax excuses himself to the bathroom. I think he is really just trying to escape my icy glare.
I pick up the mysterious envelope. I don’t know if it is the nerve pill or if I really am just numb to all he just said. But I want to do anything but think about my feelings for him right now. I dump the contents of the envelope onto the counter.
“Son of a bitch!” I clamp my hand over my mouth. I am going to be sick. There are at least ten or more photos of Jax and another woman engaged in sex. And it’s not just any woman; it’s my best friend Jojo.
<
br /> Chapter Sixteen
Falling to pieces….
I descend slowly to the kitchen floor with the pictures in my grip. The tears won’t stop rolling down my face. I am about to break. I can’t take this. He has the nerve to show up right after these are left on my doorstep. Is this some sort of cruel joke? Life is laughing at me. And then he speaks.
“Grace, are you alright? Where are you?”
I shakily pick myself up from the floor. I throw the pictures across the counter that separates my kitchen and living room and into his face.
“Get the FUCK out now!” I grab my longneck bottle from the counter and break it against the wall beside of where he is standing with a look of confusion on his face.
“Let me explain.” I don’t give him the chance to say more as I start pounding my fist against his chest.
“Fuck you! Jax, just leave. Get out!” I plead.
He cradles my head against his chest as I cry. I take a step back away from him. My vision is blurred my mascara is stinging my eyes. He doesn’t get to comfort me, not now.
“Where did you get these Grace?”
“The pictures are they real?”
“Yes.”
“Then there is nothing left to say. We’re finished Jax.”
I can’t wrap my mind around what just happened. Jojo has a hell of a lot of explaining to do. I don’t want to feel this hurt. I can’t do this. I feel like he just pulled my heart from my chest and sliced into a thousand pieces. I take two more nerve pills and call my so called best friend. She won’t answer the phone.
Fuck it!
If she won’t answer me then I will go to her. I leave her a voicemail. “I know about you and him.” I can’t even say his name. “I need answers and you’re going to giver them to me, see you in a few.”
Maybe I should have taken the turn in the weather as a sign to stay home. The sky has darkened over and the rain is beginning to pour as I stick my keys in the ignition. The car roars to life and I start speeding towards the freeway.
I can’t get the images those photos held out of my mind. My tears are falling fast. I think they are in a race with the raindrops to see who can fall faster. I’m not sure which is blurring my vision more.
I get stuck in rush hour traffic. I sit watching the lighting dance across the sky as the minutes pass by. Traffics starts to slowly move again and the last thing I remember before everything turns black is the screeching of tires and the shattering of glass.
I must be dreaming….
I can hear a voice pleading with me in agony to wake up. I can’t see his face but I would know his voice anywhere. I want to reach out and touch his face, but my arms won’t work. I can’t seem to make my fingers reach up and stroke his gorgeous dimples. I ache to see those hazel eyes that have brought me so much pleasure and pain.
I feel like I am fading as his voice is drifting further away. Evan don’t leave me here, I’m scared. I try to part my lips to say the words but they don’t budge. What is wrong with me? I must be dreaming. I will myself to fall back asleep so I can awake from this nightmare.
I hear another voice in my head; it is a woman, a voice I don’t recognize.
Oh shit! Stop!
It hurts; she just pricked my arm with something. Was that a needle? I still can’t see. My thoughts feel fuzzy and I fade away once more.
I feel drained but I manage to open my eyes. I have to blink a few times to get them to focus. I am in a room with dingy white walls. There seems to be an IV in my arm and tubes in my nose. What am I doing in the hospital? My arms feel like lead as I try to flex my fingers.
I glance to my left and take a glimpse out the window and notice it is just before dawn, I can see shades of pink and yellow peeking through the horizon. The first thing I see when I glance to the right is those dimples smiling at me.
“Damn, angel you gave me the scare of my life. I have to go get your nurse, try to stay alert babe.”
It is very hard to concentrate on the questions the nurse is asking me. She gives me a small cup of water and tells me my doctor would be in soon to talk to me. Apparently Evan is still listed as my emergency contact from when I was here before for stitches when I cut myself cooking over a year ago.
The nurse leaves us alone. Evan explains to me that I was rear ended by a delivery van. The driver of the van suffered from an aneurism causing him to hit me. He died in route to the hospital. My car is a complete loss but at least I walked away alive.
“Jojo has been calling, she wants to see you.”
Then the hurt and anger comes back to me in roaring waves and I remember where I was going and why. Evan is watching me with caution.
“Are you okay?”
“Do I look okay?” I wave my hand in a sweeping motion over myself.
“That’s not what I was talking about,” and he points to my temple.
“So you know?”
“Yea Jocelyn was the last call you made on your cell, so I called her. She gave me a brief explanation.”
“What exactly did she tell you?”
Before Evan can answer my doctor comes into the room and asks Evan to give us a few minutes. Evan says he has to work but to call him if I need him. I am nervous the doctor is staring at me with a grave expression.
“Good morning Grace. My name is Dr. Fields. I am pleased to see that you are awake. You are quite lucky. You have suffered a mild concussion, along with a cracked rib and a small cut above your eye, you should be fine.”
He takes out an ink pen and begins to scribble a few notes before continuing.
“Do you have a prescription for Xanax?”
I shake my head yes. It was prescribed to me for anxiety when my father passed away.
“Do you have a prescription for Adipex? There was a high trace found in your tox screening.”
I shake my head no, my cheeks are burning. I am so embarrassed.
“Do I need to tell you how serious abusing prescription medication is? I want to recommend something to you, there is help available should you want it. I am going to give you the card of a good friend of mine. She works at a center that specializes in cases like yours. You were very lucky yesterday, and you are a beautiful young woman don’t waste it.”
Dr. Fields gives me my discharge papers and while I am debating on calling a cab to take me home. Jocelyn enters the room.
“Can I give you a lift? We can talk. I owe you an explanation.”
As much as I hate the sight of her right now, I am ready to go home. And I want some fucking answers! I text Evan and let him know that I have been released. The police had given him my purse when he arrived at the hospital last night thankfully he left it with the nurse before leaving.
We ride in an awkward silence for a few miles, and I can’t hold it all in any longer.
“Why? How, Jojo?”
“There is so much I need to explain Gracie, I- I’m not sure where to start.”
“Just give it to me straight.”
“Look I have told you so many lies and I am really sorry, I should have told you from day one but Jaxson asked me not to. I met him before you started working at Masquerade. I think you may have even been living with Evan still. He came into the club a few times and at first I didn’t recognize him.”
She twirls her hair around her finger like she always does when she is nervous. I just listen, when she is finished I will have my say.
“It started just as casual sex, no strings attached. I thought I could handle it. He said that I couldn’t tell anyone so I created the whole relationship with Robert Drake. I haven’t ever even met him.”
I feel like she just completely gutted me, we were best friends how could she not be honest with me?
“It was exciting and fun for awhile but I started to want more, but then he told me he was married and he broke things off with me.”
“The night you came over crying and we went to that club. You knew who he was when you saw us together and you didn’t say any
thing. Why?”
“I didn’t want to cause a scene, and I was confused. I thought maybe he was trying to prove a point. Jaxson likes to play mind games. You don’t know him like I do Grace.”
I notice her fidgeting with something around her neck, a guitar pendant that matches mine. I yank mine from my neck and throw it out the window.
“Then he hired you for his video and I wanted that for you, I didn’t want to ruin it for you. I told him I was going to tell you, but he said he would dump you after the video. So I kept my mouth shut and waited for things to end between you.”
“So that explains why you were pushing me back towards Evan. If you would have just told me, I would have never pursued him Jo. I thought we were friends, but I guess I thought a lot of things.”
She pulls into my parking space at my apartment. I don’t want to hear anymore. I am done with all of these fucking liars! I start to get out, but I need to know one more thing.
“The photos did you send them to me?”
She can’t look at me as she hoarsely whispers, “yes.”
“Thanks for the ride.” I slam the door and walk away from this life, from everything I thought I knew.
Chapter Seventeen
Stick a fork in me….
I don’t know what I am doing anymore, but whatever this is I don’t like it. How did everything turn to shit so fast? I don’t know who I am anymore and this feeling scares me. Evan has been a true champ; he has taken care of me these past few days. It almost feels like old times minus the drugs.
Jaxson has left me several voicemails telling me that Jocelyn had become obsessed with him. That he didn’t tell me because he was trying to protect me. I don’t know what angle he is working but I am done. It’s time to take care of me. I almost died a few days ago. I think life is giving me a second chance to do things right.
I meet with Mr. Slade, my father’s attorney; he is going to handle my finances while I am gone. I am checking into a rehab called Saving Grace. How funny is that? Now I know life is truly laughing at me.
Beautiful Strangers (The Masquerade Series) Page 10