“Are you okay?”
My shoulders sagged at her words, but I nodded my head yes. Jude was in much worse shape, and needed far more consoling than me. It’s not always easy to be strong for the ones you love, so I was relying on the shoulders of my friends to help me build up the strength to get Jude through the rough road ahead.
“Please tell me you’re off for the rest of the day?” I asked, though it sounded more like a plea.
“I’m all yours.”
“And Jude’s,” I hitched my thumb in the direction of the bathroom. “He’s taking shower. Oh, and Bear is coming over soon. He’s bringing food.”
“Sounds good to me.” Her smile was genuine. She liked Bear. But then again, who didn’t. He was such a loveable guy, like a big ol’ gummy bear, or maybe a sour patch kid.
The only one of Jude’s friends that Letty didn’t like was Fox. Occasionally I’ll catch her saying, “For Fox sake,” instead of –fuck, so I really feel like she secretly finds him hot. She’s never said it, but it’s like best friend intuition. Sometimes hate is easier than love.
I knocked on the bathroom door and told Jude to make sure he had something on when he walked out. Letty thought that was hilarious.
“No wait, you can come out nude Jude. I don’t mind.” She yelled.
It was the first time I’d heard him laugh in a while. It was deep and hearty, completely warming my heart. It was the best sound ever.
I mouthed a thank you to Letty and she gave me wink.
There was a rustling on the other side of the thin bathroom door, and then he came strolling out, all clean and smelling good. He was shirtless, only wearing his dress pants that were a couple of days late for a good washing. But the way they hung of his hips had me wishing we were the only people in the room. There was no woman on the earth who wouldn’t appreciate that low dip, and that thin patch of hair that led to just the right place.
Shit hell. Was it hot?
I had no shame when I let my eyes roam over his chiseled body from top to bottom.
“Paislee Cooper, are you sweating?” I felt the heat rush into my cheeks from Letty’s words.
“It is pretty hot in here.” I replied. I could tell by the subtle smile on Jude’s face that he knew just what had me hot and bothered, and I hoped he did.
Letty’s laughter was contagious. Even Jude snickered.
“Dammit,” I jumped back. “You little immigrant!” That stupid irked my last nerve. Cute or not, he was a major pain.
“I’ve got food,” Bear yelled, more like shouted from the rooftops. The door to our dorm room was closed and we could hear him out in the common room. My neighbors were easily finding more reasons to hate us. Not that they really hated us. Truthfully, I wasn’t quite sure how they felt about us. They were just distant. Neither of them spoke much. They kept to themselves. At times they would be on the sofa in the common room when I came home, and neither of them would look up when I walked into the room. They were either to shy to speak or they hated us. It was my only conclusion.
The door to our room swung open and Bear came in carrying several bags of food, and a large duffel bag. He was a sight for sore eyes, and true to Bear fashion he barreled into Jude and me for the biggest hug he had to offer. It didn’t matter that his arms were overflowing with stuff. He hugged us like his life depended on it.
There was a faint smell of whiskey on him mixed with his cologne. It could’ve been left over from a hangover or from a morning bender. There was no telling with him. I didn’t question it though. Just having him there with us was enough, especially for Jude.
He pilled the food onto Letty’s bed without even asking before handing Jude the bag. “Here’s some clothes man.”
“Thanks.” Jude told him before slipping back into the bathroom.
“I’m sorry about your aunt,” Letty said. Bear didn’t reply. He only nodded his head before he started digging through the sacks of food. The way he shook off the sadness reminded me of one of the many expressions I’d lately seen on Jude’s face. The burdens were slowly creeping in to Jude’s mind, and soon, I was afraid too soon, he’d crumble and fall to pieces.
I wasn’t very hungry, but I knew that I needed to keep up my strength no matter how much my stomach protested. My body felt sort of numb except for my churning stomach.
“Thanks for getting food Bear.”
“No problem.” A grin formed just at the corner of his lips. “I needed something to do to keep busy.”
Sadly, I understood. Slowing down meant another wave of sadness would wash over you.
The bathroom door opened and Jude came out wearing actual clothes. Not his usual Jeans, instead he was wearing a pair of loose track pants and a white tee shirt. He made everything he wore look good.
I patted the bed beside me, and he came over to sit next to me. The bed dipped when he sat down, and I passed him a bag that had a cheeseburger and some fries inside.
“I’m not very hungry.” His voice was low.
“Maybe just a couple of bites,” I encouraged. “You haven’t ate anything in a while.”
I thought he’d continue to try an finagle his way around it, but he relented, unwrapping the cheeseburger. A man of his size needed food.
The talk between the four of us was sparing. No one knew what to say to a man whose mother just passed away. There were no words that were socially acceptable, and none that even remotely felt right.
After we ate, Bear tried to get Jude to go home with him, which I thought was a great idea. I figured being around family might help, but he wasn’t having it. He wanted to go back to the barn, with me.
I packed a bag, and the two of us headed out. School was still quiet as we made our way out of the secluded parking lot and on the road towards Jude’s place. Most everyone was still gone for spring break; very few people were left on campus. I was supposed to be staying with Jude and enjoying the company of his parents, having dinner, and watching him interact with his family, the people he loved most in the world. But plans changed, and life threw him the nastiest curve ball. His life was flipped upside down in an instant, no rhyme or reason.
Reaching for his hand, I laced my fingers with his. He gently squeezed and pulled my tiny hand to his chest. I could feel the steady beat of his heart against it. We’d grown so close over the time we’d been together, and I hoped that the feeling I had when he was near me would never fade. My heart belonged to him.
The next few days were going to be difficult, for him mostly. I just wanted him to know that I’d be there for him.
“I love you, Jude.”
“I love you too, Darlin.”
Nineteen
Jude
I don’t know why I suggested we go back to my place. The loft in the barn was barely big enough for one person. We were pushing it with two. I guess maybe I didn’t want to be too far from home after everything that happened. It made me feel grounded being there, like I had a tad more control, when in reality I couldn’t figure out how the hell I was keeping it together.
Paislee was sleeping on the blanket next to me. Her dark brown hair was splayed over the pillow and I could see her back rise and fall with her steady breaths. You’d think that watching her sleeping peacefully would help me rest, but it was useless. My mind was like a rambler, leading me from one memory to the next, all thoughts of momma. Mostly it was filled with guilt though. I always thought that Pa would be the first to go. Yes its horrible to say, but I was only being honest. Me and Pa, we had this disconnect since he’d gotten sick. Things hadn’t been the same. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him, because I did. I do. It’s just that my momma was my best friend, and I wasn’t ready to let her go.
I lay there wishing away the horrible thoughts when I felt Paislee’s hand drape over my chest. When I looked over at her, she was still sleeping. As I watched her, I thought about something my momma told me when I was a young boy. I remember it like it was yesterday.
“What’s wrong with y
ou boy?” Momma’s voice was stern, and I could see in her eyes just how mad she was. “Did you push that little girl into the mud.”
I glanced over at Lily, who legs and hands were covered all over. She looked up at Momma with a sad face and a pouty lip, but just as soon as Momma wasn’t looking she stuck her tongue out at me. That girl was the biggest brat I’d ever met. She pushed her own self down in the mud and blamed me for it.
Eight-year-old girls were the devil.
“You tell her you’re sorry.”
“But Momma,” I whined.
“Don’t but Momma me, you tell her.” She pulled on the back of my overalls so that I was standing face to face with Lily.
I squinted my eyes, and through gritted teeth I apologized. “I’m sorry.”
“Now lets go.” Momma told me as she started off towards the house. I followed closely behind her. Not listening to Momma would get me in more trouble, and I hated being in trouble. It wasn’t worth it, over a girl. When I glanced over my shoulder Lily was snickering, and I had change of heart. I’d take a whopping if I actually could push her down just once.
The long walk home left plenty of time for Momma to scold me, or at least that’s what I thought she was going to do. But I was wrong.
“I know you didn’t push her in the mud, Jude.” She told me.
“What? Then why’d you yell at me then? I shouldn’t have to say I’m sorry to her. I didn’t do nothing.” I kicked up the rocks from the gravel road.
“Son,” she smiled down at me. “There is a lesson to be learned here. “You and I both know you didn’t do anything wrong, and that Lily lied. She knows she lied. I only made you apologize, because when the time comes and you mess up for real, I want you to know the difference between saying what you mean, and saying what you’re forced to say. You apologize if you do wrong, and pray for the other person if you do right. You understand?” I nodded. “One of these days you’re going to meet a pretty girl, and you’re going to do a lot of things to mess up. You’re your father’s son after all. There will come a time when you’ll have to apologize and you’ll want forgiveness. Nobody will forgive a man who has apologized a thousand times and never meant it.”
“Yes Momma.”
“And next time will make that little brat do the apologizing,” she said with a laugh.
I don’t think I knew what she meant by that until the first time I had to apologize to Paislee at the beach party, but Momma’s words stuck with me. They always did. She wanted me to always be honest. She never wanted me to say things I didn’t mean. I was supposed to fall in love and cherish her unconditionally and always give my whole heart. Momma taught me to give respect, because it was the right thing to do. Not because I expected something in return.
I was really going to miss our talks, and all the life lessons. The woman was the wisest person I ever knew.
Now she was gone.
Swiping at my eyes, I rubbed away the tears that were settled there and wished for sleep to come.
Twenty
Paislee
Hours passed in a tear-filled blur. Time doesn’t stop, even when you lose a loved one. It doesn’t even slow down. It just continues to pass by as if nothing ever happened. It can be cruel in that way, like it doesn’t care that you need a moment to let it all sink in.
After Jude’s momma passed away, I thought that he was going to be flooded with guilt and anger. Parts of me worried that he might act irrational or lash out, but he remained surprisingly cool. He never shed another tear, at least not that I knew of, never even choked up. It was almost like his mind completely shut off.
I couldn’t blame him, though.
He was about to bury his mother.
There was no funeral service just a graveside burial, and tons of people showed up. Every one of our friends, and even some friends of his that I’d never met were there. I met some cousins, and several of Jude’s relatives. All of whom were kind and generous.
I thought that my parents would just send a flower arrangement and donation, but surprisingly my Dad showed up. He didn’t stay long, but he shook Jude’s hand, offered his condolences, and gave him a small manila envelope. I knew what was inside. My Dad was a wealthy man, and generous. Jude didn’t want to accept it, but my Dad was a wordsmith. Jude probably agreed to name his first-born son after my Dad and didn’t even realize it.
In the midst of all the fury of emotions, Jude stayed glued to my side. He didn’t want me to stray too far. He even requested that I sit between him and his father in the front row of seats. His Dad was having a bad day, and for some reason he liked my company.
The burial took about an hour from start to finish, and I cried through a great part of it. It was inevitable. No way could I hold it in, even though I tried really hard for the sake of the two men that I sat in between.
Roses were placed over her casket as it was lowered into the ground. When I looked over at Jude, his eyes were fixed on the ground. He never looked up, only squeezed my hand. People hurried away not long after, leaving just a few of us there.
“Hey,” Fox said, as he and Obi walked up to us. Each of them dressed in their button-down dress shirts with ties and slacks. They offered to be pallbearers, and Jude was thankful for it. He worried about it for an hour before the ceremony even started. They were good friends to him, and he knew it. He knew just how lucky he was to have so many family and friends on his side. The past year had been nothing but turmoil. It was like fate had a way of kicking him when he was down, and I wished so badly that I could take away that pain.
“We are going to grab something to eat, and get some drinks,” Obi said. I was assuming he meant the guys, which actually sounded perfect.
“Lots of drinks,” Fox added. “Come with us,” he told Jude.
“I didn’t get much sleep, man. I think I’ll go home and rest for a while. I don’t feel much like going out.” His shoulders dipped.
“Maybe a drink is just what you need. It might help get your mind off things, you know.” I edged, hoping he’d give in.
There was a battle going on in his head. I could see it. Deep down, he wanted to go.
“What about you?” He asked.
“I’m exhausted,” I admitted and I truly was. “I’m going to go back to my dorm and nap. Maybe I can come meet you later.”
He hesitated, but finally relented. “Okay.”
“Good,” Fox said. He looked at me with appreciation and I smiled. Surprisingly, it wasn’t as hard to convince him as I thought it’d be. “Let’s go. Oh, wait. My sister.” Fox rolled his eyes. “She came with me. I need to take her home first.”
“I’ll do it,” I said in haste. I didn’t want them to give Jude any reason to back out of going. He would have, if he found the loophole to do it.
“You sure Darlin?” Jude glanced down at me, his light brown eyes taking my breath away.
“Absolutely. I don’t mind at all.” I didn’t know the girl, but I knew how Josh felt about her. It would be a good time to get to know her a little bit.
He leaned down and kissed my cheek right next to my ear and whispered, “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Thanks,” Fox said, and I have to admit that for a man of so few words, he was quite kind when he wanted to be. It made me wish that Letty was there instead of at work. It would’ve been nice for her to see the softer side of him.
We followed the slew of guys to the parking area at the graveyard. Fox told his sister Gwen that she was going to be catching a ride with me, and she didn’t seem to mind. It was the first time that I’d got to see her, and she was absolutely gorgeous. She had blonde hair with light brown streaks and it hung halfway down her back. She was about my height, and looked like she was barely legal. I could see what Josh saw in her. The girl had probably turned many heads.
I kissed Jude goodbye, and hugged Josh. I told him to look out for Jude, because I knew what a few drinks meant. I’d probably be worried about them all for
the rest of the night, but he told me not to.
Once inside the car, Gwen sat silently. It must’ve been weird for her to be in the car with some random girl. Did she know who I was? Had Josh ever mentioned me? The thoughts were rambling on and on which made it worse since we were sitting in silence in my car.
I was about to speak, but she beat me to it.
“Thanks again for giving me a ride home. I was surprised Fox let me go with anyone else.” Her omission surprised me.
“Overprotective huh?”
“You can say that. He’s been like that since I was like ten years old. He barely lets me out of his sight.” I could hear the aggravation in her sweet voice.
“That must be hard on your dating life.”
She glanced over at me. “I don’t date.”
“Ever?” I was starting to see why Josh was having a hard time getting near this girl. What was with Fox? It’s not like he was her dad.
“Nope,” she shook her head. “It’s a long story.”
She obviously didn’t want to talk about it and I could respect that. “What about Josh?” I had to ask. He was my best friend, and I wanted to know how she felt about him. Probably wasn’t my place to ask, but I could be overprotective myself at times, especially when it came to him.
“Um… Well…”
I glanced from the road, to her, and then back to the road. “Are you blushing?”
Oh.
My.
God.
“No,” she tried to hide it, but she couldn’t. “Okay, fine. But please don’t tell Fox about this. I don’t want him giving Josh the third degree. They’re sort of friends you know.”
“So you like him?” I asked, though I could see it on her face. I was just making sure I cleared up any confusion.
She cleared her throat and flipped her hair to the side, sort of fidgety. “I don’t know him that well. He’s been so nice to me though.” There was sincerity in her words. “I like him, but I’ve been hesitant around him. Fox would kill him, he’d kill me, and I just can’t.”
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