by Lizzie Bowen
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: Living my life your way
Everything was packed up and we soared through the sky on our way to our destination. Everything was quiet on the flight. I had my headphones in, Hunter was asleep, and the rest of the boys were entertaining themselves quietly with a tape gun. Logan was currently taping Corey to his seat while Josh took pictures of it.
“California here we come!” Leslie cheered. I pulled my headphones off my ears.
“Are you excited?” I asked. Leslie shifted a little uneasily.
“I'm scared.” She replied, weakly. I was surprised by her answer.
“Why? Aren't you happy to see your parents again?” I asked. She waited a moment before slowly nodding.
“I am, but... I just don't know if they even want me back. Will things ever be the same again? I mean, how can I look them in the eyes knowing what I've done?” She asked. She made no eye contact with me which was a sure sign of her guilt.
“Leslie, they're your parents. They are kind of required to love you no matter how bad you mess up. Besides, you're a intelligent, beautiful, young lady. You've got everything going for you. There's no reason to be down on yourself.” I said.
“You're right... can I have a pop tart from your bag?” Leslie asked. I tried to hide my surprise, but I wasn't sure how successful I was.
“Are you... sure?” I asked as I fished it out of my bag. Leslie looked hesitant, but she nodded all the same.
“It's time I start accepting myself the way I am... even if I'm not a size zero. Like you said, I got a lot going for me... and I'm worth it.” She said. Her beautiful blue eyes shimmered when she said that. But I wasn't envious of her turquoise orbs for once. I was happy to see the light in them. They had been dim and dead for so long... it was good to see her happy for once. I handed her the pop tart. She stared at it for a few moments before slowly bringing it to her lips. I watched, silenced by the anticipation of what she was going to do with it. Slowly, she sank her teeth into it. From her facial expressions it kind of looked like every bite hurt her. She was jumping right in and clearly on her way to recovery. She choose probably the most sugary food on earth to eat instead of starting slowly and that took an unfathomable amount of courage. She gave me a forced, fake smile as she ate on. She only got halfway through when she held her stomach and threw it down.
“I can't.” She said weakly. I could tell she was disappointed in herself.
“No, no, it's okay. I'm proud of you.” I said, as I took it. I set it in front of her though in case she wanted to resume her challenge. I couldn't wait for her parents to see her. The color had come back to her face, her blonde hair was in loose curls, and she no longer had the starved animal look about her. She looked gorgeous.
“Sam, I can never thank you enough.” She said, tearing a microscopic bite off the pop tar and eating it. I tried to hide my excitement at that tiny bite. Any process was an improvement from where she was when she came a few days ago.
“Thank me? All I did was give you a ride.” I said. She shook her head.
“You loved me when nobody else would. I felt so...alone. When I'm with you I feel...different. I feel understood. You're probably the only friend I've ever really had. You're real.” Leslie said. I smiled at her compliment. I was actually not as dumbfounded now when I received compliments probably because I wasn't as insecure as I was a few months ago. So much had changed since then.
“I should be thanking you. You've taught me so much as well. I won't lie. I hated you.” I admitted.
“What?” Leslie asked, surprised.
“No, no, not now. But... all those years of school I wished I was you. But now I see that the pretty girls don't have everything. Those pretty faces actually seem to tell the saddest stories.” I said. Leslie nodded.
“I certainly don't have everything. To be honest, I don't have any idea what I'll do next. I don't think returning to school is an option and my gang situation is still unhanded.” She said with a sigh.
“You just have to trust God.” I said with a shrug.
“Yeah, we never did make it to church, did we?” Leslie asked.
“No, we got a bit distracted.” I said with a laugh. Leslie laughed as well and it was such a comfort to hear that beautiful sound come from her. It wasn't something I'd been missing actually. I fished into my bag and pulled out a Bible.
“Here... since we never got to go to church, I want you to take this.” I said, handing the Book to her.
“Thank-you so much.” She said running her fingertips over it's golden engraved words.
“Will you read It?” I asked. She nodded.
“You promise?” I asked, extending my pinky finger.
“I promise.” She said, intertwining her pinkie with mine.
“As a matter of fact, why don't we read a little now?” She suggested. She opened to the book of Psalms and began reading. Her reading voice was beautiful and flowed perfectly with the elegant, poetic words. I soon was lulled to a deep sleep. Her lighthearted, happy tone mixed with the soothing words, made my eyelids flutter until they became too heavy to lift anymore. I was tired and gave into the continuous call of sleep that beckoned me. With a smile on my lips and happy words in my heart I let myself doze off into my own silent dreamworld.
“Saaaaam! Saaaaam!” My eyelids popped wide open. I was being shaken by Hunter and Leslie was calling my name.
“Man, you were knocked out. You slept the whole way here.” Hunter said.
“You snored too.” Leslie whined.
“We're here.” Josh said, from behind them all. I stretched a little and slid out of my seat. My neck was cramped, my entire body was stiff, and my legs felt like jelly. I gripped the seats of the plane to steady myself and keep from tumbling over. Leslie was chewing her manicured fingernails nervously and twirling her curls with her finger. She looked like the typical cliche popular girl and the sight made me laugh. We stepped off the plane and into the airport.
“My parents are waiting inside.” Leslie said, ringing her hands nervously.
“Don't be scared... I'll go with you.” I encouraged. She nodded and I followed closely behind her as she took her walk of doom into the airport. I studied her stiff motions and tight expression. I wasn't quite sure what was going through her mind right now. Suddenly, she stopped cold, causing me to bump roughly into her back. She was as white as a sheet.
“What's wrong?” I asked.
“That's them.” She said in a barely audible voice. Her parents didn't move a muscle and neither did she. The whole world seemed to go silent and move in slow motion as they stood there gawking at one another.
“Maybe this was a bad idea.” Leslie whispered. I didn't say anything. Slowly, her parents closed the gap between the three of them. She stood stiffly as they neared closer. Leslie's father lifted a hand. She flinched, as if she was about to be hit. Suddenly, both of them burst into tears. I jumped in surprise at the sudden reaction. I looked over at Leslie and it was clearly written on her face that she had been effected the same way by this sudden change of atmosphere. Both her parents threw their arms around her, tears flowing down their face. The sternness left their hard expressions and was replaced by a soft look of love for their aught. Leslie slowly and hesitantly returned the embrace. They stood there all wrapped up for what seemed like hours. It was a moment that would be forever locked away in my brain. It was something you'd see out of a sappy love movie and it kind of warmed my heart. I wasn't used to that. Whatever the feeling I was experiencing now was one I enjoyed. I didn't know what to call it... pleasure? Admiration? Love? Joy? None the less, this picture was one that would remain permanently etched in my brain. Leslie's shoulders began shrugging up and down with sobs as well, though she did her best to hide it. She cried into her father's shoulder with such a tight grip that I thought she may never let go. For some reason, the figure of her father slowly morphed into an image of my brother
in my mind. I had no idea why my brain was playing such cruel tricks on me and my breathe caught in my throat a little at this disturbing mental trick. I thought of how I'd hold him. I thought of the embrace I desired from that one guy that would never love me... out of a long list of many. But I had let go of my past now... and he was a part of my past. That was over. He was over.
“I'm sorry!” Leslie sobbed, snapping me back into reality. Her father rubbed her back soothingly as the tears continued to stream down her face. Her mother was displaying a show of waterworks as well with a river of tears flowing down her cheeks as well. Leslie sobs grew quieter and quieter until they faded into silence and we heard nothing, but the soft chatter of passengers around us. I listened contently to the hum of airplanes taking off and last calls for flights coming over the speaker. Leslie's father continued to rock her in his arms even after her tears had stopped.
“I feel like if I let you go again, I'll loose you forever.” He said, holding her tightly.
“I'm never leaving, Dad... never again. I promise.” Leslie said, pulling away to look into his eyes. He reluctantly let his arms drop to his side. Leslie's mother linked her arm in his to make sure his position would stay secured that way and not strangle his daughter with hugs. Not now anyway.
“Thank you, Sam... thank-you so much. If it weren't for you, I just don't know where I'd be. I owe you everything.” Leslie said. She wrapped her arms around me and I hugged her back. I actually liked it. I didn't feel the urge to shove her away like I had in the past. I liked her. I liked hugs. I liked being loved.
“Maybe you can repay me by loaning some of your clothes to me. You know a Hannah Home sort of thing? It's like charity work. Maybe you could get some community service credit for it.” I said. She laughed a hardy laugh that came from her stomach and smiled a genuine smile at me. The kind of smile that comes from your eyes. For once in my life, I had done something right. I had done something good... and I was happy. After a round of hugs (Leslie and Hunter's embrace seem to last the longest) Leslie was off. She had an arm around each of her parents and soft laughter followed in a trail behind them and rang throughout my ears. The sound brought a smile to my face. I felt two strong arms around me. I expected it to be Hunter.
“You did good.” But the voice wasn't Hunter's. I spun around. I saw dark shimmering eyes, jet black hair, an a playfully grin on some nice rosy lips.
“KADE!” I cried, throwing my arms around him. He hugged me back and put most of his weight on me, to steady himself.
“How are you feeling?” I asked.
“My leg still isn't great, but the flight up here was nice. It was quieter without you.” He said.
“Heyyyy!” I said, giving him a gentle nudge.
“I never said that was a bad thing. I missed hearing your voice.” He said. I smiled.
“I missed hearing yours as well.” I admitted.
“Hey, Kade!” Hunter said, giving him an extremely hard back slap that knocked him a few steps away from me. Kade rubbed his shoulder sorely.
“It's good to have you back.” Hunter said with a clenched jaw.
“Thanks, bro... it's good to be back.” Kade said, staring him dead in the eye. You could cut the tension with a knife in this room. I shifted with my bags uncomfortably.
“Oh, do you need some help with that?” Kade asked, taking my suitcase from my hand.
“No, Kade you better rest. You still have a bad leg, remember? It's probably not a good idea for you to be carrying heavy things.” Hunter said, jerking the luggage from my hand.
“It's not heavy.” I muttered. Hunter shot me a filthy look and if looks could kill I would have dropped dead on the spot.
“I love your hair, Sam.” Kade said, as he took a lock in his hand. I let a smile cross my lips momentary, keeping in mind Hunter was right in front of me.
“What did you do to it?” Kade asked, running a hand through it. Hunter spun around slowly.
“Kade, maybe you should keep your hands to yourself.” Hunter barked. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me far away from Kade. There was a huge crowd of us herding like cattle and trying desperately to stay together. Hunter had dragged me to the front of the crowd of us, as far away from Kade as possible.
“I hate that kid!” He growled. I didn't reply. Because I didn't agree with him... I didn't hate Kade. I was starting to feel quite the opposite about him actually.
“Are you going to say something?” He said through clenched teeth.
“I don't see why you hate him.” I replied honestly.
“Because he's all over you! Are you blind, Sam? The guy is smitten with you.” Hunter cried. I blushed a little. Was he really smitten with me? I bit my lip, trying to hide my smile. I felt really happy and giggly all of a sudden.
“I don't think he's smitten. I think you're being dramatic.” I said.
“Please kiss me.” Hunter almost whined.
“What? Why?” I demanded, looking right at Kade.
“I need to know your mine.” Hunter said, reaching for me. I stared at Kade. No way was I kissing Hunter in front of Kade. I'd made that mistake before and the pain clearly written on Kade's face was enough to kill me. I thought of an believable excuse.
“We're in public.” I said.
“Like that's ever held me back before.” Hunter snorted.
“That means you have no shame.” I stated.
“Maybe not.” Hunter said with a shrug.
“You're proud of that?” I questioned.
“Are we seriously arguing about this?' Hunter asked.
“Um, as I believe you're the one who started it.” I snapped.
“You know what? I'm over it.” Hunter huffed. He turned back around, making sure to nudge Kade as he passed him and walked over to the boys. I rolled my eyes. I knew I had made him mad, but I just didn't care. It just wasn't even worth it anymore. Kade saddled up next to me the minute Hunter left. I cringed because I could feel Hunter's eyes boring into me. But at the same time it melted me that Hunter had made the effort to limp up here. It must have been painful. We spent the rest of the walk to the car talking and laughing. He made me laugh a whole lot more than Hunter did. I was still laughing as I walked into the hotel lobby with him.
“Okay, guys, you have exactly three free hours before we have rehearsal. If anyone is late then they'll answer to me.” Connie said sternly.
“Yes ma'am.” We all answered in unison.
“You wanna go somewhere?” Kade whispered in my ear.
“Where?” I asked.
“I don't know. Let's explore.” He said with a shrug.
“We could hike... you like hiking?” I asked.
“Doesn't matter. Just wanna spend time with you.” He seemed a little surprised at his own words... almost as much as I was.
“Okay, let me put my things up stairs.” I said, blushing. I ran up the stairs, knowing I'd be up even faster than the elevator. I darted up to my room and threw my stuff on the bed. I took a quick look in the mirror, I fixed my hair, and applied a lit more eyeliner. Then, there was a firm knock at my door. I opened the door expecting to see Kade's eager face... but what I saw was quite the opposite. All of a sudden, I felt like I might pass out. I gripped the door frame to stability.
“R-R-Ryan?” I squeaked.
“Sam, baby... how have you been?” He asked. He didn't slur, his eyes seemed clear, and he stood in a firm and upright position.
“Are you sober?” I asked, waving my hand in front of his face. His eyes followed my hand without hesitation.
“Why are you here?” I demanded.
“To say I'm sorry.” He replied.
“I think it's a little late for that.” I said, starting to close the door. His hand hit the door firmly, swinging it back open. I jumped a little at the hard thud, but I wasn't about to give him any indication that I was scared.
“How did you even get in here?” I asked skeptically.
“I have my wa
ys.” He replied with a shrug. I narrowed my eyes in suspicion.
“Sam, lighten up. It doesn't matter anyway. Aren't you happy to see your big brother?” He questioned, holding his arms wide open. I always thought of how I wanted his embrace and how I wanted to be with him, but now I put my foot down. I wasn't about to let him manipulate me as he'd done before. He'd manipulated all of us and we were so blind for so long. But today was the day I awaken. His arms dropped to his side in defeat when he realize I wasn't in the mood for hugs. He sighed.
“Listen, Sam, if it isn't too much trouble I was wondering if you could pick up some supplies for me.” He lowered his voice.
“I will not be your drug dealer!” I cried.
“Shhhhhh!” He hissed as his hand flew over my mouth. I narrowed my eyes at him as he cupped my mouth tighter.
“Take it easy, alright? I wasn't asking for drugs. I'm past all that now... I'm clean.” Ryan said. He lied. He lied straight to my face just then and I hated him even more for it.
“I see now how wrong I was and I want to help you. I can show you the ropes of life, little sister. But you need to help me too.” Ryan persuaded.
“What life? You have no life. You're just a worth, drunk bum who will never accomplish anything.” I jeered.
“Ouch, words hurt.” Ryan said, grabbing his chest.
“But actions hurt worse and your actions have hurt not only me, but the entire family.” I stated.
“I'm living the dream, don't you wanna be a part of that?” Ryan questioned.
“I can't believe you. You're so blind by your own selfishness that you don't see what an idiot you are. You'll get caught and you'll rot in jail for the rest of your sorry, useless life.” I hissed.
“Sam, all I'm asking for is a little money.” Ryan said putting his hands up defensively.
“MONEY?! THAT'S ALL YOU EVER WANT!” I screamed.
“What's your problem?” Ryan snarled.
“You're my problem! You've always been a problem to everyone you meet!” I cried.
“If you not gonna help me, I don't need some Godly goody-two shoes preaching at me about what a hindrance I am.” Ryan said.
“God will strike you down.” I said firmly.
“I won't stop until God strikes me dead.” Ryan sneered.
“If I gave you money you'd only want more. Your selfish hands are always outstretched waiting for suckers like me to fill them.” I stated.
“The old Sam would have helped me. You've changed.” Ryan stated.
“I've changed? No, I've just stopped living my life your way.” I said. With that, I slammed the door in his face. I went to my bed and lay there frozen. He was gone. He was only using me for my money and now that he knew I wouldn't be supplying that anymore, he'd take off. I'd never see him again... and it was so hard to let go. I watched from the window as he hopped in a car with a bunch of his friends. The car skidded off and drove away... and my memories or him drove off as well.
“Good-bye, Ryan.” I whispered.