Alan looked torn, as if he wanted to take his wife in his arms and comfort her. I held back the tears that waited behind my eyes. Why was it their situation that made me want to cry? Shouldn’t I be crying over my marriage?
“It is,” Alan said simply. “Like Laura, I just want the kids. You can have whatever else you want.”
“Oh my God.” Mike said.
“I’m sorry you had to find out like this,” Alan said, “we really wanted to talk to you about this when we got home. It never occurred to us that you two would come out here.”
I had nothing to add to that, so I just nodded. Apologizing seemed idiotic. The two of them had traveled halfway across the country to find out their marriages were over. But that’s all we had, so that’s what they got.
Chapter 21
The door closed behind us with an audible click. Alan and I leaned against it as if holding it shut against barbarian hordes. Mike and Susan left after threatening us with everything in their arsenal, but it was over.
Alan pulled me against his chest and I wept in his arms. Relief washed over me. It was over. The sword of Damocles would no longer hang over our heads. I didn’t even know if I was happy or sad. Fortunately, my brain was on autopilot, keeping my lungs and heart working and that’s all I cared about.
“Should we tell the kids,” Alan whispered in my ear, his warm breath sending a tingling sensation throughout my body.
I kissed him, my tongue exploring his, “Not just yet…” I managed to say between kisses, “not yet.”
The kids slept soundly, but in both rooms. I couldn’t stop touching him, kissing him. All I wanted was to make love to him immediately. Alan must have felt the same way because in a few moments we were locked in my bathroom tearing our clothes off.
“Now I have you all to myself,” he growled roughly between kisses, “You are mine, Laura… completely and utterly mine.”
Every time he touched me, I could feel his need to possess me. Shocks of recognition sparked from his fingertips to my flesh. I gave in to him completely, for the first time. All feeling of apprehension slid to the floor and my body responded to his with ferocity. Within moments we were spent, the cool tiles against our backs as perspiration bathed our skin.
Later that night, we slept in separate beds, but it felt as though Alan was with me. I slept more soundly than I had in months.
“Good morning, my love,” Alan’s voice drifted into my mind, waking me. The windows were open, filling the room with sunlight. Four kids raced around in their pajamas, giggling hysterically.
I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, wondering if it was all real, “Did yesterday really happen? Are they gone?”
Alan caressed my face with his thumb, “It wasn’t a dream. They know.”
I sat up suddenly. Mike and Susan understood that our marriages were over. In little more than a week, I went from being the wife of one man, to the fiancée of another. Did this happen to everyone here?
Jenny, Ben, Alice and Jack had merged seamlessly into a family. But they didn’t know that their lives were about to change. How could we tell them? The girls chatted happily and the boys played pirates. They were so happy together. Maybe we should’ve let them have this time before life, as they knew it turned inside out.
We dressed quickly and headed for the main park. We had breakfast reservations at the castle. Alan and I smiled at each other on the bus, his hand squeezing mine intermittently. As we sat at our table, various characters joined us, making over the kids as if they were royalty.
I looked at Alan, and together we reached for our cell phones, turning them to vibrate. Everything we did that morning felt like it was the first time. On this trip we had visited this particular park three times, but today felt like the first. All feelings of guilt left me and I focused on my new family. My new family. I had come to Florida on vacation, exchanged husbands and gained two children. Despite all the insanity, I had a wonderful time, and we still had a few more days.
I was still grinning like an idiot, when I glanced at the phone that vibrated on my hip. “It’s Mike…” my voice trailed off and the happiness faded, replaced with doubt.
Alan frowned, “Don’t answer it. We’re finally having a good time after all that…” he rolled his right hand in the air, swiveling at the wrist, “stress.”
Something formed in the pit of my stomach, irritating and restless. I was afraid that if I didn’t take the call, I’d have a pearl there before long.
“Hello?” I spoke softly into the phone.
“Laura,” the connection was clear. He must have just gotten home. Mike sounded tired, “I need to talk to you.”
“Can’t this wait until we get back?” The skin on the back of my neck began to tingle, like that spiky, cold feeling you get when your foot falls asleep. Can your neck even fall asleep?
“I didn’t go back. I’m still here and I need to talk to you.”
Alan’s eyes searched mine. I answered Mike, “Where?”
“Meet me at the Big Hat Cafe in one hour.” The phone went dead in my hand. My husband had hung up on me.
“What’s going on?” Alan’s face had darkened with concern.
“He’s here,” I licked my lips slowly, allowing that to sink in, “and he wants to meet me.”
“Don’t go.”
“No,” I struggled against myself. I really wanted to take Alan’s advice, “I have to deal with this and end it once and for all.”
Alan looked off into the distance, as if he could see through all the buildings and plants, to the other park, into the bar where I would meet Mike soon.
“It’ll be alright,” I soothed, “I’ll just explain it to him again.”
He shook his head, “I’m going with you.”
I raised my hands in front of myself, “No. I have to do this alone and I can’t have you and Mike slugging away at each other in front of the kids. You take the kids to the Big Bear show. I’ll meet you after.”
Seeing that he couldn’t change my mind, he nodded with resignation. I didn’t even have the courage to smile as I walked away. And I certainly didn’t tell him that I had the feeling I was walking into a trap.
As the waiter showed me to a table for two in the back, I could feel Mike’s eyes on me. He was watching me from somewhere, but I couldn’t see him. Suddenly, it felt like a bad episode of Mission Impossible.
I settled in, ordering an iced tea, waiting for the onslaught to come. Perspiration slid down the length of my right arm. I hate that. I absolutely hate to sweat. My heart beat violently. Where in the hell is he? Was this part of his plan – to make me wait in terror? If it was, I had to admire him. I was terrified.
I think I realized what had happened before I saw who was actually sitting across from me. It wasn’t Mike, but Susan who sat down. For a moment, I thought that was very clever of Mike. Now I faced the wife and this time I was sure she could hear my heart slamming against my ribs.
“Don’t go,” she said, which I thought was funny since I seemed to be rooted to my chair. Every instinct toward fight or flight betrayed me. Had they installed special chairs to hold adulterers fast so they could be interrogated by cuckolded spouses? That didn’t even make sense. Maybe I was finally going mad. Actually, that would be a relief.
Susan spoke, “I don’t want this to be a violent confrontation, but Mike and I have been talking and we decided you had to hear us out. Okay?”
I nodded like an idiot, still hermetically sealed to my seat. Mike and Susan were talking? I guess that made sense, after all, they did arrive and leave together. But the Mission Impossible theme song kept running through my mind. I wished I had some explosive gum to throw at a large aquarium to make my escape. But there I was, not Tom Cruise, no aquarium, and no explosive gum. Damn it.
She waved a beautifully manicured hand, “This isn’t real, you know.”
Well, duh, I knew that. I mean, I did understand that. It may have taken me a few days, but I figured it out.
&
nbsp; “Mike and I made a serious mistake in not joining our families on this trip. We know that now.”
Was she joking? Did she really think that she could apologize for both of them and we’d just jump right back into their arms? And why wouldn’t my lips move?
“What you and Alan have isn’t real.” She sat back. Apparently, that was the extent of the logical argument. I was beginning to question her expertise as an attorney. “Mike really loves you. I, on the other hand, have had it with Alan. It will be me that follows through with the divorce, not him.”
“What? Why?” My voice had been relocated and forced through dry lips. My body, however, continued to betray me.
Susan took a sip from her coffee cup, and then placed it perfectly in the center of the saucer. I looked. No lipstick mark on the cup. Damn, she was good. Maybe she was Tom Cruise.
Susan answered me, “I’m sick of his philandering.” Susan smiled, bemused as my jaw dropped open, “Laura, surely you didn’t think you were the first woman Alan cheated with.”
“Actually,” I said a bit too flippantly, “I was the first woman Alan cheated on.”
It took a sliver of a moment to realize that Susan didn’t know this. For a few seconds, the flawless veneer cracked. I decided to play offense, “Alan told me he stopped fooling around after me and I believe him.”
“Then you’re a bigger idiot than I first imagined,” Susan’s words hit me like little darts piercing the skin, “because I’m sick of the affairs. I’m getting out of the marriage and if I were you,” she leaned over the table, “I’d go back to that darling husband of yours and beg his forgiveness.” She rose, tossed a ten dollar bill on the table, and left.
My body slumped against the table and I rested my forehead against the cool surface. Had Alan lied to me, or was Susan just trying to chase me off? On the one hand, why should I believe her? But on the other hand, she seemed genuinely shocked to discover that his infidelity began with me all those years ago. The information crashed like tsunami waves inside me.
It took a few minutes to lift my head, only to find that my husband now sat across from me. How long had he been there? People were slipping into that seat with the stealth of practiced secret agents. No, I was definitely not Tom Cruise.
“Laura,” he began slowly, “I want you back. I’m willing to forgive you if you can forgive me.”
“What in the hell are you talking about?” I wanted to sound forceful, really I did. I wanted to show rage at his setting me up like this. Instead, my voice sounded squeaky and weak.
“I know this is my fault,” he said, his eyes gazing into mine, “and I’m willing to get counseling, do whatever it takes.”
“Are you willing to quit your job? Can you unfuck those women?”Ha! Take that Mr. Phelps!
Mike leaned back, “I don’t think that’s relevant. I can cut back a little on being gone so much. I already told you I’d stop cheating, and I won’t miss another family trip ever, but quitting seems a little extreme.”
The crazy glue must have timed out, because I was finally able to rise to my feet, “You’d rather sacrifice your marriage than your job. I see. Good bye Mike.” And I walked out, never looking back.
You might think I was either confident or brave to walk out on him. But the truth was that inside I was trembling. I knew now, without a doubt, that my marriage was over… unsalvageable… kaput. But I also began to doubt my feelings for Alan.
I shook my head to clear it. No! Susan was lying. She had to be. After all, I would say those things if I were in her shoes, plant the seeds of doubt. Of course she lied. Didn’t she?
But the look on her face seemed so genuine, so sincere when I told her that Alan had cheated on me all those years ago. Oh brother! I rolled my eyes at myself (which, by the way, is very hard to do). I didn’t blame Alan for not telling her about that. I wouldn’t have told Mike if I cheated on someone else. Then the irony of that thought struck me.
Was she telling the truth? How would I approach it with Alan? A glance at my watch told me they would be out of the show in a few minutes. I reached the exit and sat down on a bench, oblivious to all around me. My brain played ping pong with the information. Alan was a serial cheater and liar. Susan was lying to hurt me. Which was it? Poor Susan. She had every right to hate me, even lie to me.
The morning after we first made love here, I told Alan I didn’t feel guilty about the affair. He felt the same way. Now that we were busted, I found it remarkable that I still felt no guilt. What we’d done to our spouses was cruel, and I wish we could’ve settled things differently, but no guilt. Why? Apparently, I was content with having no soul. That’s how I’ll sign my Ph.D. thesis, ‘Laura Smith, Serial, Soulless Adulterer.’
Another ping pong ball hit the table in my head. So what if Alan cheated on Susan? He was miserable in the marriage. Hadn’t he told me himself that he wished she’d choose him and the kids over herself? I can’t blame him for anything he did before we met here. It was his life.
And both of us were adulterers in the past. Why, I had even fallen in love with Nick, so it was more than just sex. Didn’t that make things worse? I needed to talk to Alan about this, find out what the affairs were. That is, if the affairs happened. And if so, what had those women meant to him? But was I really prepared to handle it if it turned out he might also cheat on me in the future?
Damn, this show was taking a long time. Pain spiked behind my eyes and I knew a headache was coming on. I was rummaging through my purse for aspirin when I saw Alan’s shoes before me. Looking up, I could see the concern on his face. He knew something had happened, but the presence of four excited children dancing around him stopped him from asking me about my meeting.
“How was the show?” I asked guardedly.
Alan picked up on my tone, “Fine. How was your cup of coffee?”
I rose to my feet and popped the aspirin in my mouth, swallowing them dry. A lump formed in my throat but I had the sneaking suspicion it wasn’t from the pills. “Awful,” I replied, “so bad I need to talk to you.”
He nodded and announced to the kids that we would hit the stunt show again. A loud, collective shriek was their response.
The kids sat four rows ahead of us. Alan took my hand and we waited for the show to begin.
“So, what happened?”
I took a deep breath and told him point by point what occurred at the café. He listened quietly, without interrupting, until I finished.
“Laura,” he searched my expression, “I didn’t cheat on Susan. I’m sorry she said that.”
“Why did she tell me that?” I mused aloud.
Alan frowned, “You don’t believe her. Do you?”
“Alan, I don’t know what to believe anymore. I certainly can’t blame you for anything you did before we ran into each other here, and I haven’t been a sterling example of a faithful wife.” But that wasn’t what bothered me, was it?
“Then what’s wrong?”
I faced him, “We’ve been here for almost two weeks. Instead of going home and attempting to build a life together, we’ve held on tightly to this fantasy place. Why is that? Why are we avoiding the real world, Alan?”
His eyes grew wide, then he shook his head, “So, you worry that we can’t make it outside of the fairy tale. Is that it?”
“Maybe. Probably. I don’t know.” I was blithering on like an idiot.
“Let’s talk about this later,” Alan released my hand as the tank in the show blew up. The kids squealed with delight. As for me, I wished I was in that tank.
Alan said little to me for the rest of the day. Either he was angry with me for doubting him or was wondering if I was right about us. Not good in any event. For hours we followed the children around like zombies, drowning in self-doubt, self-pity or both. And I couldn’t help but wonder if he was re-thinking the relationship.
What would I do if he changed his mind about me? Devastation swept through me. I’d have nothing but Jenny and Ben. Mike was gone. Nick
was gone. If Alan flew back to New York without ever looking back, I’d have to pick up the pieces.
I’ve heard that some people go through their entire lives without falling in love. I’ve been in love with three different men in the last two years. And as a result, I’ve been through unrelenting pain. Maybe the loveless had it all figured out. If Alan left me, I vowed never to allow myself to fall in love again. After all, I could probably live the rest of my life on the memories of making love to him.
Good Lord! A life of celibacy?! Okay, I’ll revise that. No more falling in love, but I can have meaningless sex with strangers. Hmmm… I needed to refine that attitude.
Dinner consisted of whatever the kids wanted from the food court at the hotel. Alan returned to the rooms laden with everything from pizza to peanut butter sandwiches. The two of us ate quietly while the kids regaled us with the sights and sounds of the day, even re-enacting the all of the shows. We bathed them separately and put them to bed. Alan picked up a chair and headed outside and I followed.
“Laura, about today,” he began.
I cut him off, “No, it was stupid of me to question you.”
“No it wasn’t. Mike and Susan set you up. You bore the brunt of the blow. I should’ve gone with you.”
I shook my head, “I don’t know if that would have changed anything, Alan.”
“Of course it would. I can guarantee Susan wouldn’t have said those things about me if I was there.”
I took his hand in mine and he began to stroke my palm with his thumb, “It doesn’t matter. I don’t care if you cheated on her or not. I just want to know if there will still be some magic beyond this place.”
Alan slid his chair against mine and slipped his arm around my shoulders. I stretched my legs out to the railing. His body language told me all was well. But I still felt miserable.
“Laura,” he said after a few moments, “I can’t guarantee the future. You just have to have faith.”
How could I have faith? I was completely unfaithful to my husband… twice!
The Adulterer's Unofficial Guide to Family Vacations, A Novel Page 15