My imagination broke free, thinking of pedophiles and kidnappers. I turned back toward the park, running with everything I had left in me. A sharp pain in my side stopped me just short of the gate and I again doubled over. I felt like vomiting.
“Ma’am?” A security officer put his hand on my arm to steady me.
“My little boy… lost… can’t find him…” I managed through gasps.
“It’s alright, Ma’am. We’ll find him.”
I stood up and looked at him, hoping he had some kind of magic wand that would find Ben and make my life perfect. Tim, the security guard, helped me search each bus with no luck. We rejoined Alan at the gate, but he hadn’t found him either.
“Oh God, Alan! What are we going to do?”
Alan looked into my eyes, “We’ll find him, Laura.” But he wasn’t fooling me. I could smell the fear behind the words.
“And what if we don’t?!” I shrieked.
Alan looked at the three worried faces at his waist, and then drew me aside, “Laura! You have to calm down! The kids are scared enough.”
I looked at them. He was right. But Ben was alone somewhere, wondering where I was.
Tim returned from the guard shack, “He’s not here Mrs. Smith. I had everyone combing the park.”
“How can that be?” I pleaded, “it’s only been half an hour!”
Alan frowned, “Laura, we’ve been here an hour and a half.”
“We have?” I managed weakly.
Tim removed his hat and scratched his head, “It’s late, Ma’am. The park is closed and he’s not here. I’ll send out an emergency notice to the other parks, bus drivers and hotels. Do you have a photo of him?”
I reached into my bag and pulled out my wallet. Ben’s eyes stared up from the school photo, full of trust. With a heavy sigh, I handed all I had left of my little boy to a man I didn’t even know.
“I’ll scan this,” Tim said, “I’ll be right back.”
My eyes searched the darkness, hoping for a clue, anything that would lead me to my son. “Where is he, Alan?”
Alan shook his head, “I don’t know. We will find him. I promise you. We aren’t leaving until we do.”
Tim joined us, “Thanks.” He handed back the picture, “That’s all we can do for tonight. Go back to the hotel and let them know what happened. You’ll hear from us when we find him.”
He sounded so sure of himself. The words, “when we find him,” ran like an automated marquee through my head. I tried to argue, begging to stay and continue searching.
“Sorry Ma’am,” Tim said slowly, “You can’t stay here. Go back to the hotel. We’ll keep looking. Believe me, this happens all the time.”
“No!” I said forcefully.
Tim responded gently, “We need to be able to reach you. It’s better if you go back to your room and wait by the phone.”
I looked at Alan. He didn’t seem to know what to do either. After a few moments, he spoke up, “Let’s go, Laura. The kids are scared. We’ll find him. I promise.”
Tim called a van to take us back to the hotel. Alan tried to calm the children down, but I felt like carbon-based lump of pain. My worst fear had come true. I lost one of my children! It was stupid! What was I thinking? I continued to beat myself senseless all the way back.
“Thanks,” Alan tipped the driver, and then led us through the lobby to the exit by the pool. Jenny, Alice and Jack watched me with wide, terrified expressions. We moved slowly past the chaise lounges. I didn’t want to go back to our rooms with out Ben.
This was it. The lowest point in my life. I didn’t even have to work hard to get there. I just did all the same idiotic things I always did – made poor decisions. These things had only hurt me before. Now my actions had hurt my son. How could I do that to him? I shouldn’t even be a mother anymore! I…
Out of the corner of my eye, something moved. My feet stopped and I squinted into the darkness.
“Mommy?” Ben’s voice shot through me like electric current. He was laying on one of the lounge chairs! He was alright! My baby was okay!
I collapsed into a sitting position on the ground and pulled him into my arms, patting his back, “It’s okay sweetheart,” I repeated over and over. Ben’s little body was shaking with sobs. He had been terrified.
“You let go of me, Mommy! Why did you let go of me?” His plaintive voice cried.
The realization hit me like a charging rhino. I had let go of him. It was all my fault! I released him from his safe connection so he could be swallowed by the crowd! What was wrong with me?
“Ben! He must have gotten on the bus and come here on his own!” Alan’s voice was choked with emotion as he and the kids crowded around us.
“Yay Mommy!” Jenny began to sing.
“You did it!” Alice hugged me.
And while everyone else was celebrating, I was filled with despair. I didn’t do it. I didn’t find Ben. I lost him. I let go of my son in the worst place at the worst time… to take Alan’s call. I didn’t have to answer it. I would have caught up with him. Instead, my first reaction was to let go of my son, in order to talk to my lover.
Shame started in my brain before blanketing my body. I had forgotten the twins’ birthday party because I was at a motel with Nick. How could I do that? Twice now, I had sacrificed my children for the man I was having an affair with. The pattern twisted through my mind, puncturing my heart. I screwed up… again.
I carried Ben back to the room, afraid to put him down. Once I tucked the kids in, I watched them some more, while Alan called Tim. What was I doing? This trip was supposed to be about them! And I turned it into a selfish sex-a-thon! I hated myself, over and over. Thinking about the times we’d hired Martha-the-complete-stranger to baby-sit so Alan and I could be alone! All the times we’d locked our sleeping children in the other room so we could make love!
It’s hard to describe the fear you have, as a mother, when you lose a child. I mean, as soon as it passes through that birth canal, you are filled with an overwhelming sense of love and panic like you’ve never known before. For a whole year, you check to see if the baby is breathing in its crib every five minutes, knowing the odds are in your favor, but worrying obsessively about “what if…” It doesn’t get better. As they gain mobility, you begin to distrust appliances, looking at electrical sockets as if they are luring your child toward them. People look more sinister. And every time a child turns up missing on the evening news, you can’t help but think, “Oh my God! What if that were my child?”
It’s morbid and useless but as a parent, something makes you feel all these things. I remember how my mother cried when I went to college. How she still checks in with me every other day to make sure I’m still breathing. She’s a better mother than I am. Mom always put us first, no matter what.
I’ve failed. While I’m out on the town (hell, I’m practically screwing the town!), my kids are left with a stranger! I couldn’t feel worse if someone shot me, at point blank range, with jacketed hollow points. Make it a .44 magnum and you might come close to the pain I was wallowing in.
My kids… my babies, slept peacefully. But I knew I never would again. Something horrible might have happened to my son today. And I wasn’t sure I could live with it.
“Laura?” Alan was beside me.
“It’s okay.” I replied without taking my eyes off of the kids. What was okay? Who was I kidding?
Alan’s arms wrapped around me and in a moment, I was sobbing against his shoulder. “You can’t be so hard on yourself,” he whispered.
I pushed away, “Of course I can! I let go of Ben! In a massive crowd!”
Alan shook his head, “You heard the security guard! He says it happens all the time…”
I cut him off, “And I knew that! That makes it worse!”
Alan motioned to his room, “Let’s talk about this.”
I followed him in, refusing to allow him to shut the adjoining door. We sat on opposite beds, facing one another.
>
“I know you’re upset, Laura, but this kind of thing happens.” His voice was calm, but his eyes were unsteady. Clearly, he was still shaken.
“It shouldn’t. I cared more about taking your call than holding safely onto my son!”
“Are you blaming me for this?” Alan asked in shock.
I shook my head, “I have no one to blame but myself. And that’s the problem.”
“What’s the problem?” His voice was unsteady, as if he dreaded the answer.
“I need to put the kids first for a while.” I couldn’t look at him.
“What do you mean?” I felt the fear in his voice before I saw it on his face.
“I don’t deserve you, or Mike, or worse,” I motioned to the next room, “them.”
Alan rose, “Laura, don’t do this.”
I stood, facing him, “I have to Alan. I can’t handle a marriage or an affair until I can be a good mom.”
Alan shook his head, “No! I won’t let you do this!”
“It’s already done.” I started to walk away toward my room.
“Everyone loses their kids now and then! They don’t want to, but it happens! Surely you aren’t going to throw what we have away just because…”
I spun around to face him, “Just because what, Alan? What happened tonight isn’t the catalyst!” I waved my arms around, “It’s just the symptom of a much bigger problem! I’ve allowed my romances to interfere with my kids. If I’m going to make my life better and happier, then it needs to start with Jenny and Ben.”
All color drained from Alan’s face, “So… so… it’s over?”
I shook my head, “No. I don’t know. I just need to sleep on it. Figure out what to do.”
“Laura, please,” he begged, “please think about it. I understand how you must feel, but I still need you.”
I nodded, and then left the room before he could see my heart break. Since his children were sleeping in my room, I silently curled up on the bed with the girls. I didn’t even have the strength to change my clothes. I heard the bed in the other room creaking, then silence.
Sleep, that miserable bitch, eluded me. Part of me wanted to just pass out. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so miserable in my life. Should I give up Alan? Should I go home and try to work things out with Mike? No, I told myself, I had to focus on Jenny and Ben. Make them the center of my universe for a while. I had to go home. That’s where their things were… where their friends were. Whether I sorted things out with Mike was irrelevant. I hated him for what he had done to us. There would be no reconciliation. Somewhere along the line, exhaustion took me, and I slept.
Chapter 32
The door was still open in the morning. Alan and I moved around the room like zombies, trying to pack and get the kids dressed. Neither one of us said anything. I suppose it was up to me to start, but I had nothing to say. No brilliant plan worked things out in my head overnight. I just knew I had to go home.
We took our luggage to the front desk. We had an hour until the bus arrived to take us to the airport, so we had breakfast in the food court. I watched as families all around me raced about, eager to start their vacations. It only made me feel worse. I was making such a martyr of myself I checked my palms for signs of stigmata.
So there you have it. I’ve come full circle. I arrived unhappy and was leaving unhappy.
“So, what happens now?” Alan said quietly.
Bitter tears stung the back of my throat, “We go home.”
“To Mike?” He frowned.
I noticed that he didn’t mention Susan. “No, just home.”
His hand closed over mine, “Laura, I’m sorry if there’s anything I did to… to…” He couldn’t finish. And why the hell should he? I couldn’t blame him for anything other than making me feel wonderful.
“Alan, there’s nothing for you to apologize for. I just have to be on my own for a little while. I have to think. I’m the one who made a colossal mess of things.” I looked at him for a moment, unsure of whether to say anything more. “Alan, what if it had been Jack?”
His eyes grew wide in astonishment, “Is that what this is about?”
I quickly shook my head, “No, but it’s there. Look, I’ve really, really screwed things up. I know it seems cliché, but I just need to spend some time alone with my kids. I have to figure out what kind of person I want to be. Not just a wife, or a lover, or a teacher, or even a mother… but what kind of person. I’m not my favorite human being these days.”
Alan replied, “I know what you are. A vibrant, intelligent, funny woman who loves her kids. And I want to be with that woman.”
I laughed harshly, “She doesn’t exist. At least, in my mind, she doesn’t. I can’t let you have someone who hates herself.”
The ride to the airport was anticlimactic, to say the least. The girls sat together, holding hands while the boys gazed sadly out the window. Alan sat beside me, his arm around my shoulders. But neither of us spoke.
All of us were flying the same airline, but from different gates. Alan tipped the sky captain for both of our luggage and all six of us went through the tedious security checks. Finally, we stood at the junction between our two terminals.
“This isn’t good-bye, Laura,” Alan whispered in my ear as he held me, “I’m still going to marry you.”
The tears I’d been holding back flooded my eyes as he kissed me softly, then turned with his kids and walked away. Jenny and Ben were crying too. Great. Some vacation. Somehow, we made it to our gate. I sat on a bench, both children curled up on either side of me. We must have looked very strange to everyone else, but I didn’t care. Ooh, how brave of me.
“Mommy?” Ben said as we settled into our seats on the plane, “Where are we going to live now?”
I ran my fingers through his hair, then buckled his seat belt, “At home, for now.”
I was relieved when he didn’t press me on this issue. Shortly after the plane took off, both of my kids fell asleep.
Looking out the window, I wondered if Mike would even be at the airport. I left a message that morning, telling him our arrival time. I guess once we landed, we would know if we needed a cab or not.
Home. Where was that exactly? For an immediate definition, it would be Ohio. But I couldn’t live there. Not anymore. Mike might behave himself, or even move out. But it would never be the same. I needed to find another place.
I guess I turned out like the other adulterers in my thesis after all. Granted, I wasn’t about to commit suicide ala train. How could I let this happen? I guess it didn’t matter. I couldn’t undo the past and I don’t know if I would if I could. The most important thing to do would be to make everything work out for the kids. Once they were okay, I might allow myself to focus on my own happiness.
Alright, so what makes me happy? Alan’s face immediately came into my mind and I smiled for a moment. Then I shook my head like erasing an etch-o-sketch. I needed to think about him too, just not now.
All too soon, the plane taxied to a stop at the airport. And sure enough, Mike was waiting at the baggage claim. I couldn’t help but smile when the kids ran to him. He was their father. An absent one, but their father nonetheless. I winced when I thought of the mistake I almost made. Mike would never be able to see them in New Mexico. I pushed all thoughts of Alan and our failed dream out of my head as we collected the luggage and piled into the car.
The house loomed ahead and the kids squealed with delight. Well, I was home. That’s what I wanted, right? Mike and I didn’t speak to each other as we herded the kids and luggage inside. I’d noticed the couch in the family room was made up with a pillow and blankets.
Later on that night, as I lay alone in the bed I used to share with my husband, I thought about Alan, Alice and Jack. I pictured each one of them in my mind, and then banished them to my heart for a while. I didn’t need any more people in my head than I had room for.
Chapter 33
Gray, rainy weather accompanied my packing. I wandered
from room to room like a ghost, debating on whether to take this or that with me. Photos beckoned from their frames for me to take them, as did just about everything else from the artwork to the oven mitts. In the end, I decided to travel light. I could not stay much longer in this house, with Mike.
Only clothes, the kids’ toys and a few treasured mementoes would make the trip with me back home… back to my parent’s house. I couldn’t believe I was starting over in the house I grew up in.
Jenny and Ben had packed their things without a fight. They knew we were going to live with Grandma and Grandpa for a while. I don’t think they understood much of what had happened, but then again, neither had I. A few weeks ago, I had two lovers. Now, I had none. Maybe it was all for the best.
The door chimes interrupted my thoughts and I set down the box of baby pictures and headed into the hall. A quiet exhaustion had settled into my body a few days before, so I moved slowly, grasping the cool, brass doorknob and turning gently.
Alan stood before me, grinning like a mischievous child. He was wet, soaked through from the rain, but he hardly seemed to notice it.
I backed away, “What… what are you doing here?” The banister stopped me.
Alan entered and closed the door behind him, “I’ve come for you.”
Shaking my head, I responded, “No, no you can’t. I…”
He smiled again, “I know what you think. That I’ll just complicate your life further. But there’s something you need to understand. No, make that believe.”
“And what is that?”
Alan moved toward me, “I love you. I love Jenny and Ben. And I want us to have a life together.”
“Alan, I love your kids too, it’s just that I need to be a better mother than lover right now.”
“You are a wonderful mother. That’s one of the reasons I love you. Anyone who sees you with the kids knows how much they worship and adore you. And it’s pretty obvious that you feel the same way.”
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