So this was it. I was propositioning my soon-to-be-ex-husband for casual sex. My husband with benefits? So much for my plan.
His cheek picked up in a half grin before his face settled into a disbelieving expression. "Sex for the sake of not being lonely? Despite the fact that we’re in the middle of a divorce?" he asked, and rather bluntly at that.
"In a word? Yes."
"What is going on with you, Layla? You’re different."
I rolled my eyes and stepped away from him, heading back into the kitchen to check on the food. "God, Nick. Here I am, offering myself to you on a silver platter, practically asking you to take advantage of me and all of a sudden your conscience kicks in?" Where was that chivalry when he was cheating on me?
"Are you fucking kidding me? The first time I see you in months as it a courthouse for a divorce proceeding. And now this?”
"Oh this won’t change anything for us, Nick. But that doesn’t mean that my attraction for you is being divorced as well. I mean, look at you, you waltz in here looking all sexy as hell and I’m not supposed to want to have sex with you?" Jesus Christ I was out of control. It wasn’t his fault. This drama was all mine.
"Well there was a time when you didn’t want to touch me."
I turned and looked at him with a grave expression. "There was never a time in our shared life together that I didn’t want to touch you. You’re the only man I’ve ever wanted to touch me. And that is still a fact today."
"Fuck, Layla. You want to divorce me but you still want me?"
"You’re the one that said he couldn’t stay here for fear of what he might do to me."
"You know that I’m still in love with you and how badly I don’t want this divorce and if we get physical it’s just going to mess with my head. It’s like you want me to feel like I can still have you even though I can’t. Not for as long as I want to have you."
"Yeah well I’m still in love with you too but that doesn’t change what happened! Or do I have to remind you?" I sneered at him. In spite of wanting him I was becoming angry. All of what destroyed our marriage was coming back to me and fueling this erratic behavior.
"No! You don’t have to remind me because I know. I know all too well. But I also know that apologizing won’t change a goddamn thing. I’ve tried saying sorry and I still wound up at that courtroom this morning."
"Some things can’t be forgiven, Nick."
He shook his head and I could tell he was at the end of his rope. "I’m not going to play this game with you, Layla. If you want then you’re going to have to take all of me. I’m not interested in anything else." He fished his keys out from his jeans pocket and looped them around a finger.
Shit, he’s going to leave. "Nick, wait!"
"No. I waited four months for you, Layla. You never even attempted to tell me if you were okay or where you were."
“All you have to do is ask!"
"Fine. Where the hell were you, Lay?" He leaned back onto the counter and crossed his arms over his chest, muscles protruding out beneath his tan skin.
"Bora Bora," I answered.
"What were you doing there?"
"Escaping. I knew if I was around you I’d explode and I didn’t want that to happen. So I escaped."
"Four months is a long time, Layla. All that time could have been spent fixing us."
"I couldn’t leave until I felt strong enough to return home. So I just stayed in a bungalow on the beach. Thinking. Relaxing. Trying to figure out where the hell my head was. I knew I’d have to come home eventually. I read all the articles, Nick. I know about the things you said while I was away. About how your album is about me. About how you said you’d do everything in your power to keep me."
"And I meant it. But using you for sex is not part of that plan."
"Okay, so then just use me for yourself! Take advantage of me! I don’t care! But I need to be touched, Nick. I need to feel something again."
He looked disbelieving again, even borderline embarrassed. "Listen to yourself. This isn’t the Layla from four months ago.”
"I have changed. I had to change. I had to become a better person than what I used to be. And I’m not sorry if that upsets you. But I’m still human, Nick. And most of all, I’m still a woman; a woman that has needs and desires. Don’t you think that if I just wanted sex I could just go out get it? In a heartbeat. But I don’t just any guy in my bed, Nick. I want you."
"Why?"
"Because of who you are." I took his hand and placed it on my hip. "You’re a man that knows what he’s doing. You know how to touch me where I need to be touched. You’re attentive. You’re passionate." I turned him around and slid up onto the counter, moving his other hand to my waist. "Because the feel of your hands on my skin drives me mad." I slid my hands down to the hem of his shirt and slowly pulled it up so that I could slide my fingers over the skin of his hips and down into the waistband of his jeans. My knees slowly parted and I used my hands to pull him in between me. "Because you know exactly where to kiss me. You know how to touch me. Do I need to go on?"
His blue eyes were intense under the heaviness of his eyelids. My legs went around him easily, pushing him closer into me until I could just make out the radiating warmth of his body against the center of mine. The way his body responded to my touch told me he wanted me, too, and all I could do was breathe in the scent of him while I waited for him to give in to me.
"No," he whispered huskily. "I’ve heard enough."
"So what’s it going to be, Nick?" I lifted the hem of his shirt a few inches, fingertips grazing against the soft skin of his chest until it prickled beneath my touch.
“If you want me, you’re going to have to take all of me. As much as I want you physically, I want your heart and your love more. I want you to be with me because you want to spend your life with me. Not just your nights."
I tangled my fingers in his hair and leaned in as if to kiss him. But I didn’t. "So it was okay when you had your one-night-stands, but it’s not okay to fuck me?" He started to argue but I wouldn’t let him. "Look, I don’t want to fight. This doesn’t have to be another battle in our ongoing war against each other."
"I’m not going to use you for sex, Layla. And I’m certainly not going to let you use me. You’re not the only one who’s changed. I only want one person in my life. And if you don’t that one person to be you, then someone else will."
Before I could protest he untangled from my body and stepped away from me, heading for the door without saying anything. It shut with a loud bang just as the timer I’d forgotten I set went off signalling that the food was ready.
It took a whole minute for me to compose myself enough to get off the counter and adjust myself. I took the food tray out of the oven and stared at it resentfully before shutting off the oven, the kitchen light, and retreating to my bedroom, unsatisfied and alone.
Chapter Twenty-Five
It was two a.m. and unseasonably hot for Santa Monica. Even with all the windows open and a fan blowing cool air five feet away from the bed, it was still too warm for comfort. I stripped off my sweatpants and shirt in favor of a snug camisole and baggy shorts. I was lying on the bed, top pulled up and shorts pulled down, too uncomfortable to sleep when the phone rang.
I looked at it in contempt. Who the hell would be calling at this hour? I picked up the receiver and grunted a hello.
"I changed my mind."
I jolted into an upright position and brushed a few strands of hair out of my face. "Nick?"
"Who else would be calling you at two in the morning?"
"What do you want? I thought we were done talking?"
"I don’t want to talk. Let me in."
I scrunched my face. "Where the hell are you?"
"Front door. Open it or I’ll break it open."
"Really? Because you still never paid me back for that dining room table. You‘d be owing me a new door too."
"Layla, I’m dead serious."
So was I. "Good for yo
u Nick. Now go back to your hotel." I hung up the phone and tossed it on the bed. The nerve of Nick to... A loud splintering sound broke my thoughts. What the fuck was that noise?
I scrambled off the bed and quickly adjusted my clothes as I headed towards the hallway. And there he was, walking towards me with a fury in his eyes I had only seen once before.
"You just broke my door!" I exclaimed, completely stunned.
"So get a new one and send me the bill."
"I told you Nick, I have nothing to say to you."
"Well good because I’m not here to talk." He reached out for me but I stepped back, quickly escaping his grasp.
"What are you doing here?" I asked dumbly.
"I told you, Layla. I changed my mind. If this is the only way you’ll have me then so be it." I watched, completely transfixed as he kicked off his shoes and tugged his shirt over his head, revealing a white tank top underneath. "I don’t care if you’re just using me for sex; because right now, that’s all I’m going to use you for."
I stepped back, avoiding his grasp once again. "You’ve gone completely insane."
"Do you know what it’s like to go four months without sex, Layla?"
"Uh, yeah Nick, I do!"
"I can’t take this anymore. I went to a club and even went as far as bringing a girl back to the hotel with me, and I couldn’t do it. And you want to know why? Because she wasn’t you. And I realized that with you, even if it meant nothing, it would still mean everything."
"If this is your idea of foreplay then you’re sadly mistaken, Nick. You don’t have to be so fucking angry."
His eyes took me in. I could feel him appraising me, with my tan skin, my fuller figure, my swollen breasts and everything else that changed about me since the last time we were together all those months ago. "I’m not going to hurt you."
"Good. But let’s set one condition before we do this."
"And what would that be?"
I looked at him solemnly. "No kissing. At least not on the lips."
Nick looked at me incredulously. "Do you honestly expect me to be able to control kissing you? I’m not that careful, Lay."
"Take it or leave it."
"Take it." This time I didn’t step away as he reached for me, bringing me deep within his arms. Instinctively, I tangled my fingers in his hair as his lips found my neck. Oh God I loved when he did that. His mouth moved hungrily along my collarbone and down into the crevice of my breasts. My head fell back, opening myself up to him more. I pulled his face tighter into me, desperately trying to feel everything he was doing in slow motion.
He pulled away and looked me in the eyes, leaning in to kiss me, but pulling away. I tilted my head, trying to divert my lips away from him, but I really wanted the opposite. His blue eyes were penetrating, staring into my own eyes.
"I missed you, Layla."
I shook my head and put a finger to his lips to silence him. "Shut up. This isn’t about that."
"Why can’t this be about that?" he asked.
"Because it just can’t," I whispered.
"Don’t tell me you don’t love me anymore. I know you’d be lying."
"Which is why I won’t say anything at all."
"Then you do still love me?"
I ignored his gaze - and his question - and kissed his shoulder tenderly, lifting the thin fabric of his top above the waistband of his pants. "Forget about love, Nick. It never worked for us. This, however, did always work." He lifted his arms for me as I raised the tank top over his torso, over his head and tossed it behind him to the floor. I smoothed my fingers over his chest, tracing the outline of one of his many new tattoos.
"Don’t leave me Layla. Don’t divorce me."
I looked back into his eyes and sighed. "I thought you weren’t here to talk, Nick?"
"I thought so too. But standing here, standing this close to you, I can’t help it. I can’t just stop feeling for you. No matter how much you want me to."
"Nick..." He took my face between his hands and I was powerless to look anywhere else.
"Wait, just hear me out. The way I understand it, you’re divorcing me because of the Vanessa Carrington situation. But she lied. There is no pregnancy, no scandal. She’s out of our lives for good. There’s nothing to keep us apart any longer. No illegitimate child. No Missy Page to makeup bullshit gossip about us. "
"There were other circumstances, Nick. It wasn’t just about Vanessa Carrington and Missy Page. There was so much more than that."
"Such as?"
God! We’ve been through this already! I untangled myself from him and sat on the bed, adjusting what little clothing I was wearing to cover my body more. "I already told you, Nick. I can’t be allowed to love you like I did. Nobody should be allowed to feel that way."
He leaned down in front of me and took my hands in his. "And what’s so wrong with loving me like that?"
"Your existence shouldn’t depend on anyone but yourself. And for me... breathing was okay only if I knew you were alive. I’ve been with you since I was twenty and I didn’t know any other existence except for what I was when I was by your side. But this was never a normal relationship, Nick. I wanted to be a woman you could feel safe with, knowing that I wasn’t going to call you out when you didn’t come home for weeks at a time, bitching and complaining that you weren’t here. I wanted you to live your life. Yet at the same time, I just wanted you to be in my life. All the time. And so many times I wished you weren’t The Famous Nick Hudson and could just be Nick Hudson. That way I could have you here all the time without all that other stuff."
I was crying and feeling completely stupid. So silly and stupid and naive for finally opening up and saying the things I had wanted to say for so long, only far too long after it mattered.
"I had no idea," he whispered softly.
"So do you see now? Do you see why no one should be allowed to love like that? Because it’s dangerous. I could have lost myself in you. And what good would that do me?"
"Jesus, Layla. I don’t mind that you feel that way. I’m the exact same way with you. I can’t tell you how many times I just wanted to pack my bags and leave in the middle of a tour just so I could come home and look at you. Be with you. But I have an obligation to my job."
"But it’s not your job, Nick! It’s your life."
"No, you’re my life. Yeah, so I was a singer first. I’m a man above everything else. I won’t be a singer till the day I die. But I will be a man for the rest of my life. And I will love you for the rest of my life. Nothing can change that."
"As much as I’d like to believe that, I can’t."
"Why not?" he pushed.
" I’m not blind Nick, and I’m certainly not stupid. I know that nothing makes you happier than your career. I couldn’t possibly hope of beating that nor would I ask for anything else."
"Haven’t you been listening to a word I’ve been saying to you for the last three years? I don’t have to make time for you. You are my time, Layla. And yes, I fucked up royally. I hurt you in so many ways that it makes me sick to even think about what a bastard I was. But I want you, Layla. I want you back. I want you to forgive me for all the shitty things I did to you. I never thought I would get married, especially at such a young age. But I knew that if I didn’t marry you, then I’d never meet anyone like you again. I knew that I would never have the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with the woman I love, more than I love myself, if I didn’t accept my own fate and commit my life to you. To devote myself entirely to you."
"Don’t do this to me Nick, please," I begged him. There was no way I could control the flood of tears that came pouring from my eyes. "I can’t fall back into everything again. It’d just be a landslide that would find me tumbling down a road that I can’t handle emotionally."
"So what if you fall, Layla? I’ll be here to catch you. I’m always here to catch you when you fall."
"Stop it. You can’t just come back into my life and say all the right things."
I buried my face in my hands and kept on crying. "Because it just makes the inevitable all that much more painful." I lifted my head and grabbed his hands. "Can’t we just leave this as a physical thing? Let’s cut out all the emotional attachment bullshit. I don’t want love, Nick. Can’t we just leave it at sex and nothing else?"
"No, because it’s not just sex. It’s never been just sex with us. It’s always been about making love because we are in love. And there’s nothing wrong with that Layla! Lord, don’t you know how much I love you? I want you to be my wife. I want you to be the mother of my children. I want to grow old with you and spend the rest of my living days with you. Why is that too much for you? It can’t possibly be because you love me too much, because that’s not possible. You can never love anyone enough. I can’t just turn that off, Layla. I told you I just can’t switch off my emotions like a light switch. You’re in me. You’re in my heart, you’re in my soul, and you’re in my thoughts. It’s all about you, baby. It has been about you since the day I met you and it will be about you until the moment I stop breathing." He crouched up and placed a tender kiss on my left breast, just above my heart.
He didn’t have to say anything else. And I didn’t want him to. Any more devotions of love and that landslide would start pushing me.
I wouldn’t let him kiss my lips, but I was in total ecstasy when he kissed every part of my body, all while laying me back on the bed and hovering on top of me. I kept my eyes closed, just feeling his lips on my skin, his hands caressing my hips and thighs. And when he put himself inside me it was as if he was completing me; like there was a void that was now filling up. It was like a key in a lock. A key that didn’t quite fit in any other lock, but in me, it fit perfectly.
My back arched up into him, wanting to feel him deeper inside of me. His eyes locked on mine as our bodies found a familiar rhythm, and his lips brushed across the corner of my own lips, tempting me to break my own rule and cover my mouth with his.
He slowed his pace just as I began to tighten around him. I closed my eyes as he placed soft, butterfly kisses on my eyelids. "I love you, Layla. God how I love you," he whispered, all while pushing in and out of me.
The Romance of Nick and Layla (Parts 1-3) Page 13