Phyllis
* * *
From:
Zelia Muzuwa
To:
“Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject:
Re: New Year’s depression
* * *
Oh no, you don’t! You aren’t going to lump me in with the rest of those organized, got-it-all-together people! I refuse. I won’t have it, I tell you! I wear my badge of disorganization proudly (when I can find it) and I won’t cross over.
Let me burn my charts and lists! I’ll erase the budget worksheet I created in Excel! Anything to convince you I’m not one of THEM.:) My life is going nowhere, too—don’t be fooled by appearances. GOAL SETTING, I DEFY YOU!
Stubbornly aimless,
Z
* * *
From:
P. Lorimer
To:
“Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject:
Re: New Year’s depression
* * *
Z,
I’m disappointed in you. You forgot to quote the Bard! How about this:
“Come, lay aside your stitchery; I must have you play the idle huswife with me this afternoon.” (Coriolanus, Act I, Scene III.)
Phyllis
* * *
From:
Brenna L.
To:
“Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject:
Re: New Year’s depression
* * *
Corio-what? I never even HEARD of that play! I guess you gals are just too cultured for this country hick. *GASP* I SOUND LIKE MY MOTHER-IN-LAW!
Brenna
* * *
From:
VIM
To:
Rosalyn Ebberly
Subject:
It wasn’t my fault!
* * *
Come on, Rosalyn! It’s been almost two weeks. How long are you fixing to give me the silent treatment for something I didn’t do? I thought y’all were into forgiveness and love. I’m plumb sorry Mama and Daddy hurt your feelings, but you shouldn’t take it out on me. I have every right to have a successful career, great husband and wonderful kids. And you have the right to choose your own sweet family over a career, no matter what anyone else says about it. Now will you just get over it and e-mail me? There ya go.
VIM
* * *
From:
Rosalyn Ebberly
To:
SAHM I Am
Subject:
[SAHM I AM] TOTW January 10: Becoming a Woman of Grace
* * *
Gracious Girls,
While I was visiting my sister during the holidays, a difficult thing happened. My parents, whom some of you know are not at all supportive of my decision to be a SAHM, made a very hurtful comment about it in front of all our relatives. Most of my life, they have compared me to my younger sister, and I’ve been—for some bizarre reason—found lacking. So how did I cope with this wounding and embarrassing situation? I summoned all my grace and held my tongue. I did not return evil for evil, but instead retained my dignity and compassion, remembering that Proverbs says never to answer a fool according to his (or in this case, her) folly. It’s so much easier to respond to unkindness with more unkindness. But I find that it’s truly better to “turn the other cheek” and be loving, no matter what. So let’s share some ways we can have “grace under fire.” Share a time you had to hold your tongue and preserve your dignity.
Gracefully,
Rosalyn Ebberly
SAHM I Am Loop Moderator
“She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.”
Proverbs 31:27 (NASB)
* * *
From:
Dulcie Huckleberry
To:
Thomas Huckleberry
Subject:
EMERGENCY!
* * *
Tom,
I tried to call you, but you must be in a meeting. Listen, you need to contact me as soon as you can. Your mother called me, wanting to talk to you, but she couldn’t reach you at work, either. Please call me!
Dulcie
* * *
From:
Thomas Huckleberry
To:
Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject:
Re: EMERGENCY!
* * *
Dulcie,
What’s wrong? I called as soon as I could but you must be on the phone. And there’s no answer at Mom’s house. You’ve got me really worried. Listen, if you can’t reach me again, dial zero after my voice-mail message and ask the receptionist to page me. I hope everything’s okay.
Tom
* * *
From:
Dulcie Huckleberry
To:
Thomas Huckleberry
Subject:
Re: EMERGENCY!
* * *
Sorry, Tom. I was on the phone with Becky, and then the batteries in the cordless died, and I didn’t want to be stuck in our bedroom with the corded phone while the girls were playing down here, so I’ll have to tell you this in an e-mail. I’m sorry.
Your mother called this morning to tell me SHE’S GETTING MARRIED! TO MORRIS HASH! IN MAY!!! I talked to Becky, and she’s in shock, too. I mean, they’ve only been dating for a few months. And they’re acting like lovesick teenagers—and just about as stupid, I think! Anyway, call me. We’ve got to figure out what we’re going to do.
Dulcie
* * *
From:
Thomas Huckleberry
To:
Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject:
Re: EMERGENCY!
* * *
Good grief, Dulcie! I thought something horrible had happened. Don’t ever scare me like that again.
What do you mean? We aren’t going to “do” anything. So Mom’s getting married again. What’s the big deal? They’re both mature adults, and Morris seems like a good guy. I’m happy for her. We’re going to be supportive and congratulate them.
Tom
* * *
From:
Dulcie Huckleberry
To:
Thomas Huckleberry
Subject:
Mom getting married
* * *
You’re a guy, Tom.
* * *
From:
Thomas Huckleberry
To:
Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject:
Re: Mom getting married
* * *
Thanks for clearing that up for me.
* * *
From:
Dulcie Huckleberry
To:
Thomas Huckleberry
Subject:
Re: Mom getting married
* * *
No! I mean, you don’t understand! Your mom can’t just run off with some guy. She hasn’t dated anyone in YEARS! She’s just infatuated with the first man who showed any interest in her since her divorce. Becky’s worried, too. After all, how much do we really know about Morris? He “seems” nice, but do we know for sure? She could be getting herself into a horrible mess. And such a rush! May, for goodness sake! She didn’t even ask us if that was a good time for us or anything. I’m afraid he’s manipulating her.
Dulcie
* * *
From
:
Thomas Huckleberry
To:
Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject:
Re: Mom getting married
* * *
If the difference between being a guy or being a girl is the ability to look at this situation in a rational, reasonable manner, I am very glad to be a guy. Let it go, Dulcie. I’m sure everything will be just fine. And if not, Mom’s a big girl. She can take care of herself.
I’m going to be in meetings most of the afternoon. Don’t rupture a hernia, okay?
Love,
Tom
* * *
From:
Dulcie Huckleberry
To:
J. Huckleberry
Subject:
Just a few thoughts
* * *
Dear Mom,
Becky and I talked it over and we thought of some things you really should find out about Morris before you commit to marrying him. So we came up with a list:
1) Previous relationships. How many ex-wives? Late wives? Sometimes serial killers disguise themselves as lonely old widowers. We don’t want you to end up in sandwich baggies in his freezer.
2) History of mental illness? It usually skips a generation or two, so you’d better go back at least three or four. And check out all the relatives, too. Any creepy habits, like keeping fifty cats in the house or collecting antique butcher knives should be taken into consideration. You never know when something like that might crop up.
3) Financial stability. It would probably be best to hire an investigator to look into his credit. For that matter, make sure he isn’t an identity thief! You might wake up some morning to the feds surrounding your house with machine guns and helicopters and your new hubby vanished to Istanbul!
4) Religious beliefs. Sure, he claims to be a Christian. Better make sure he doesn’t belong to one of those cults that think Jesus is going to come back on a rocket ship and take them all to a utopian colony on Mars.
5) Career aspirations. He works at the Shoji Tabuchi theater, right? As a sound guy? Are you SURE he doesn’t secretly wish to be in the show, and you won’t arrive for work one evening to find him strutting around on stage with twelve trained poodles in squaredance skirts, singing “Achy Breaky Heart” as a duet with some 8-year-old prodigy dressed up like Dolly Parton?
Please think about this carefully. We just want you to be happy, but we want you to be safe, too. Morris seems like a nice guy, but don’t you think you’re rushing into marrying him?
Love,
Dulcie
* * *
From:
J. Huckleberry
To:
Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject:
Get a Life, Sweeties
* * *
…And stop interfering with mine. I mean that in love, but really—the two of you are being absolutely ridiculous! Morris is a kind, generous man who loves me and I love him.
Becky, when you wanted to marry Jordan, did I express any hesitation or concern over the fact that he is four years younger than you and still lived with his mother? For that matter, did I even bring up the matter of him calling her “Mommy”? No! I could have. Most mothers would have. But I kept my mouth shut. And look how wonderfully it all turned out. Now he lives with you and calls you “mommy.”
And as for you, Dulcie…when Tom told me that he was dating an interior decorator, for one horrifying moment, I thought he was trying to tell me he was gay. And then, when you got engaged, I had all these visions of some snooty, artsy hotshot who was going to waltz into my house and declare, “I see…heliotrope, with chartreuse highlights. Let’s redecorate!” and I’d come home one day to find all my walls painted the color of grape jelly and my nice, cozy furniture replaced with steel chairs shaped like giant bent spoons spattered-painted in primary colors by first graders. I’ve never been able to watch Trading Spaces without having nightmares! But did I utter a single word? No! I welcomed you into my home and into my heart without a trace of fear. And I’m so glad I did, because you are a sweet girl who has beautiful taste and treats my son well.
My point is this, dear daughters—BACK OFF.
Love,
Mom Jeanine
* * *
From:
Jordan and Becky
To:
Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject:
Well!
* * *
What do you think about Mom’s letter? Here we went to all the trouble of communicating our concern, and she makes fun of us! (Just for the record, Jordan only calls me “mommy” to help the kids learn it. He promised to stop when they get older.)
Becky
* * *
From:
Dulcie Huckleberry
To:
Jordan and Becky
Subject:
Re: Well!
* * *
All I have to say is that if he puts a deep freeze on their registry, I’m calling the police!
Dulcie
* * *
From:
Morris Hash
To:
Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject:
Your list of questions
* * *
Dear Dulcie and Becky,
It’s natural for you to have questions about your mother and me getting engaged. I suppose we should have prepared you better for this possibility, but we were hesitant to discuss it even between ourselves until we were really sure. Questions, then, are natural. Your questions, however, were…unnatural. What sort of movies are you girls watching these days?
I’m a reasonable man, so I am going to answer your questions, despite their insulting nature. I hope you find my answers enlightening.
1) Previous relationships: I’m 58 years old, have been married nine times, and have never divorced. All of my wives are quite alive and healthy, thank you, and living in different states. I’m trying to collect three more so I can visit one per month for the whole year, thus my interest in your mother, who will make number 10. I have 76 children total, and so far 118 grandchildren. I promise not to discriminate between you and my biological children, though I must draw the line at birthday presents. Money is tight, you know.
2) History of mental illness: All my ancestors and relatives have been perfectly sane, I assure you. The rumors of my mother having six personalities and my father believing he was Napoleon are greatly exaggerated. And my grandmother really didn’t bury my grandfather in her backyard—that was their pet goat, Norbert, who would have inherited their entire estate if it hadn’t been for Ruby Jenson, a beautiful girl who lived next door. Norbert was dreadfully in love with her, but Ruby refused to have anything to do with a goat, and he died of a broken heart. My grandparents never forgave her. But then they adopted my father from an orphanage. He was a great comfort to them, especially because he particularly enjoyed eating rubber tires—Norbert’s favorite dessert.
3) Finances: I am very comfortably situated. I have over three million dollars in stocks and bonds, as well as four vacation properties. No, wait—that was Dennis Henderson. Then I stole Frank Gages—that was fun. He owned a casino in Las Vegas. You should have seen the penthouse in that hotel…After Frank was Le-Mar Johnston, but that didn’t last long since I wasn’t so good at impersonating a black man. Then Trey Holmes, or was that Jim Goldsen? Anyway, one of them…and then Morris. That’s right. I forget what assets Morris has (or did have, LOL!). Have to get back to you on that one.
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