I am not saying this is their forever, but this is something that needs to be explored, nurtured, and allowed to grow. What it will grow into is anyone’s guess, but if she doesn’t find out, she will have regrets and doubts. That is not even something I question.
When the phone rings, we all jump and stare at it. None of us make a move to answer it, like it is a venomous snake waiting to strike. It was agreed not to let Colby or Tyler talk, they could listen, but we didn’t want them to set Brent off if he was listening. I felt bad for them, things weren’t exactly on the best of terms when Dustin left, and I think they feel they let him down by not seeing what was happening. We all thought he was being a typical teenager, and in a way he was, and I had to explain to them earlier that Dustin has to own his actions. The choices that led up to him inviting this to our house are his, and we forgive those. He was acting like a brat. All he had to do was talk to one of us, but instead he wanted to play the victim.
I know his heart was in the right place when he made this deal, and I love that kid for it, but I don’t know if he knows the risk involved. He is only seventeen. Whenever he comes home, I know what he has been a witness to will have changed him. I just hope he is strong enough to lean on us if he needs to and doesn’t go down the wrong path. Lately I feel like I need a life jacket in this world. I feel we are all drowning here.
Brielle finally grabs it and as soon as she says hello, her tears are shimmering in her eyes. She is doing good controlling her emotions, but she is a ball of hurt, fear, and love. After asking him every question she can, she passes me the phone and turns into Colby and begins to cry.
I ask him the typical big sister questions; any new girls, how is schooling, and if he is still playing soccer at all. I hear some disconnect from his voice, and I know he is just steeling himself from the emotions swirling through him. That boy misses home and misses his sisters. I shoot the shit for a bit and tell him I love him and pass the phone to Cambree.
Max is right by her side as she takes the phone, and while she has to be careful with what she says, as soon as she hears his voice, she crumbles. Right when I think I will need to intervene, Max pulls her face up and meets her gaze. Whatever he silently communicated to her, it worked. She pulls in a shaky breath and begins talking with him. They talk about mutual friends, what she was doing in school, and how she was feeling. I was proud of her. She didn’t lose her composure again after the first time. Once she hung up with him, we all felt that hole in our life.
Whoever said fear is the unknown was right. Everything about this situation is unknown, and the fear is so acrid we can taste it. Tyler chooses that moment to walk up to me and pull me to his side. One thing I will never doubt is his love for me, and one regret I have is almost losing this. Every night when I kiss him good night and wake up to him and our girls, I thank God.
Chapter 17
October 2018
Cambree
It has been almost four weeks since the attack and I came home. I am still in the farmhouse although I spend more time at Brielle and Addison’s houses. Today I came over to Brielle’s to spend time in my room here. The window seat that was built in for me is where I get most of my thinking done and there is a lot of it I need to do. One subject. Max.
He is a constant staple in my space lately. We went four-wheeling, which I never do anymore, and he told me he asked me because he knew Dustin used to go all the time with Colby, and that was his way of making me feel closer to Dustin. When he did little shit like that, it made me question my decision. He would come over and watch TV with me, just hang out and do nothing. He never pushed, but he always seemed to be close.
It could be the brush of his hand across my cheek, squeezing my hip, grabbing my hand, or just pulling me closer to him. In a moment of weakness yesterday I agreed to a date with him. I don’t know if it was the happiness from the doctor finally telling me I could start going to the gym next week, and Max was genuinely happy for me, and offered to go with me, or if it was the sappy song he played for me, Rascal Flatts “Changed” . . . either way, here I was hours before our date, which he would not tell me what we were doing, and questioning myself. I made such a big deal about honesty, and so I have to give it back to him, but I am so ashamed of some of my behavior my first few weeks of college, I don’t want to admit them to anyone.
I have been struggling with this, and my sisters have been patient. That is coming to an end because they called earlier and told me we were having a “sister speech.” I can’t wait. I hear them coming up the stairs, and I know the wait is over.
They both walk in and stare at me. Addison crosses her arms over her chest, and Brielle holds up her phone, with her music app already pulled up. I start laughing and feel a bit lighter knowing I am about to share for the first time in weeks, and hopefully get some clarity.
They both jump on my bed and face me. Brielle asks, “Are we starting with serious stuff or the mushy Max stuff?”
I laugh and Addison says, “Serious first, if we do Max first, we won’t get anything else accomplished because I have a feeling there is a lot to cover.” I nod my head in affirmation.
Addison asks me, “When are you returning to school? We talked to your professors, and the school gave you a leave of absence, but to hold your spot for next semester, we have to give them a date.” She went right into what I was hoping I had a bit more time to figure out.
“Actually I am not.” She opens her mouth, and I shush her. That got me the evil eye, neither one of them like to be shushed. “I was going to talk to you about this before the attack, but I didn’t get a chance. I know how you feel about school, Addy. I chose UGA for the wrong reasons, and I know it isn’t an excuse, but I hate it there. I don’t know what I want to do. I actually have no clue. I want to move back here, build my house, take some courses online or at community college, and then let things progress from there. I met with the architect and builders last week, the land is already cleared from when Brielle built her house, so once I approve the plans, they will start. If money is an issue, I will work at the gym, bakery, or bar. Whichever . . . or all three.” I look between them trying to gauge their reactions.
Addison starts, “I don’t know if this is a good idea. I am afraid if you put off college, you will never go back.”
“Is that such a bad thing? I am not saying that will happen, but I want that choice. The choice to find out what I enjoy, what I want to do.”
“I agree with Cambree. I know you value school, Addison, but hell I don’t even use my degree. That isn’t saying I don’t want her to get one, but let her have some time.” She looks at me, “We can’t tell you what to do, you’re an adult, and your money is yours. We won’t hold that hostage, and I feel you should work at one of the businesses, but I want your word you will take at least one class per semester and get your associates degree within four years.” She looks to Addison to see if that compromise works and Addison gives us the thumbs up.
“You have my word.”
“What else is bothering you? We all see it and are so damn clueless how to help you.”
I sit in silence trying to figure out how to bring this up, and Brielle interrupts and says, “Don’t make me bust out a song to get this conversation started.” I smile at her.
I decide to delve right in. “Honesty. That is all I want. Max didn’t give it to me when I told him over and over how important it was to me. He always stayed at a safe distance from my life outside of him, and I never knew why. I get it now, but I still feel lied to. I agreed to go on a date with him. He has this way of getting under my skin. You both are aware, even if I didn’t tell you. I slept with him last summer. He was my first and only, but I acted out a bit the first few weeks at school, and I feel like I owe it to him to tell him.”
“Acted out in what way?” Brielle asks me. I can tell she isn’t the most comfortable with this conversation. This was because Brielle didn’t experience life before Colby. She had Cooper, her best friend to shield
her from everything at college, and she wasn’t comfortable in her own skin . . . all because of Brent.
I am embarrassed to tell them. I don’t want them disappointed in me, or think less of me. Addison jumps in, “Did you sleep with anyone?”
“Not quite.” I tell her. There were the parties, the drinking, the blow-job I gave, and the make-out sessions. Each with a different guy, and each time I felt disgusting after. I was looking for affection and attention in the wrong places. Hell, I dated Adam for months after Max and never got farther than kissing with him.
Addison comes and sits down next to me. “C, look at me.” I am hesitant, and she grabs my chin and tilts it back. I am shocked by what I see in her eyes. There is no judgment, no disappointment, just pure love and a bit of mischief. “Even if you did sleep with the guys, it is fine, as long as it is your choice, and you are safe. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of. Some of us choose to wait for that one person, and some of us experiment, and that is fine. As long as you don’t act like a slut or do things you regret or feel bad for the next morning, it is fine. Don’t ever be ashamed.”
“I did feel bad the next day,” I whisper.
She looks sad for a minute. “Why?”
“That is not me. I mean I have lots of friends who have slept with lots of guys, and I don’t care. As long as they are both single and consenting, then that is their business, but I don’t feel comfortable doing it.”
“So don’t. If you ever feel like you do, that is fine, too. You are a young woman now, growing and changing. You have to do what you feel is best for you and still be able to look at yourself in the mirror. Never think you are going to be a disappointment to us. Never.” I have the best sisters. Brielle is still quiet, but she isn’t freaking out on me.
“How do I tell Max?”
Brielle answers this, “First, you ask him if he wants to share what happened when you weren’t with each other. You have to understand this may be harder on you, because he wasn’t exactly a poster child for commitment before you. I think he and Dustin kept Trojan in business. But if he wants to know, you tell him, and how he deals with it is on him. Don’t doubt yourself or put your self-worth on anyone else. You own that shit, and don’t let anyone tell you different. Second, are you at the point of sharing? Are you dating, or committed, or what?”
“We are going out tonight. That is all I know. Before we move further or decide it is over, I think all our cards need to be out on the table.”
“Not too much too soon. He needs to earn that right, Cambree. I know he cares about you and you about him, but build it slowly. If you feel you need to share, then do, but don’t rush into decisions.” Again, how the hell did Brielle get so insightful?
“Party is over. I need to get back to the farmhouse and get ready. Thanks . . . both of you. You know you are pretty awesome?” I tell them. They both laugh and agree with my assessment of them. I walk out and leave them in my room. I tell Colby, Tyler, and the kid’s bye as I head out. I need to ask Max how to dress, but when I asked him the same question last night, he said to wear what I was comfortable in. Girls need information. We can’t just wing it.
Chapter 18
Colby
Brielle comes down doing the “Father, Son, and Holy Spirit” cross that Catholics do. I know this is going to be bad. She is glaring at Addison and looks generally pissed off.
“You know you aren’t Catholic, right?” I ask her.
“Well since Addison just told our baby sister it was okay to spread her legs for any Tom, Dick, and Harry as long as she could look at herself in the mirror, I figured we could practice some religion, you know, to atone for her sins?” Well, fuck me walking. She is in rare form, but what was she talking about?
“Care to explain?” I glance between her and Addison, but I can’t get Brielle’s attention because she is staring around looking at the walls. I snap my fingers in her face to draw her attention back to me, and ask her again, “What are you doing?”
“I am figuring out how much wall space we have so I can hang some crosses and rosary beads, so when Cambree comes home from her fuck-fests on Fridays, she can do Hail Marys on Saturday. Maybe we should get a confessional booth built and some Menorah candles, too for Hanukah.” Oh, I have lost her.
“What the fuck did you tell Cambree?” Tyler asks Addison.
Before Addison can explain, Brielle says, “You might want to buy the girls chastity belts before they are allowed out of the house on their own.” She turns to me, “In no way, shape, or form is Addison allowed to give our daughter advice. Otherwise, be ready for 16 and Pregnant to start filming in our house.” Holy hell, she is on a roll. I don’t even know if she has taken a breath.
“Pipe the fuck down, Brielle” Addison says to her. “Cambree was upset about some choices she made at college regarding guys, and I told her if she wanted to experiment, then she had nothing to be ashamed of as long as she didn’t regret it and was safe. Brielle is acting like I am about to put her out on the corner and take a thirty percent cut for her tricks.”
I stare at her. No way in hell is she talking to Riley. Nope, not happening. Tyler loses his shit first, “You have to be fucking kidding me. If you really said all that, no way are you giving any kind of dating advice to our daughters. You are delusional.”
She looks at him in disgust. “No, all you are delusional. She is eighteen, in college, has already had sex, and is a fucking adult. She isn’t thirteen with blue braces anymore. Wake the fuck up and smell the coffee.” She storms out of the kitchen.
Brielle looks at both of us, “See, told you. She is whacked. Tyler if you need someone to talk to Shiloh and Cheyenne, I am your woman. Don’t let her brainwash them. Okay, I am going to send Cambree some Christian Purity songs right now. We need to go buy her some kind of promise ring tomorrow.”
“What kind of promise?” I don’t know why I walked into this.
“Uh, she needs to promise me she won’t end up like Facility.” I am not touching that with a ten-foot pole. I just nod in agreement and let her go her merry way.
Tyler looks at me, “How do you deal with that on a daily basis? And what the fuck was my wife thinking?” I shrug my shoulders because I am clueless on both those questions. I don’t care if Brielle was acting like a crazy person, and I don’t care if Addison was right. All I see is Cambree grinning at me the first time, mouth full of metal and blue, junk-punching Dustin, loving her family, and curling up with Brielle’s fat ass dog, who at the moment is playing Hoover and finding whatever crumbs he can. I glare at that cock-blocker. Some things never change.
Chapter 19
Cambree
Talking to my sisters about my doubts helped a little. I am worried about Max’s reaction to everything when it is time to tell him. I am going to attempt to bring it up tonight, but I will let him set the pace. He wasn’t exactly receptive when I started dating Adam, but he never crossed that line. He was just leering and always showing up where we were. He is possessive in a way that makes me feel safe, but not overboard obsessive.
I am staring into my closet trying to figure out what to wear, all the while having no clue what he has planned for tonight. Amelia walks in with a vase full of light pink, lavender, and white tulips arranged beautifully. “These just came for you. They don’t say anything about being an ass, so all is well with you and Max?”
I smile at her. “Yes, Amelia. Things are well, I guess. I don’t really know, I guess it is a one day at a time situation.”
She reaches up and cups my cheek. She looks over my entire face, and her gaze is so intense. “What? The bruises are gone. I am okay.”
“Oh, sweet baby. I was so scared. What do you call it, that thing Brielle says? Knife somebody? Well, that is what I wanted to do to this person.” I still laugh that she can’t get the saying correct.
“It is cut you, Amelia. You wanted to cut him?” I wink at her.
“Yes, smarty pants. If your granddaddy was here he would have used his shotg
un on him, and your grandmamma would have strung him up.” Just hearing what they would have done, instead of what they will do, hurts all over again. It is something I have been struggling with lately. I am so lucky to have the amazing family I do, but sometimes you want that guidance you never had. I am a bit envious of Addy and Brielle for getting it, but thankful that they are giving that to Dustin and me. They didn’t have to keep us all together, and that is something I never take for granted.
“I still miss them. I miss everything I didn’t get to experience with them,” I tell her. I can feel the burn of tears starting and try to blink them back. It isn’t working.
“I know you do. You don’t have to. Everything you are, the young woman you have turned into, it is because of them. You be proud of that and hang on to it. I know I am proud of you.” The tears aren’t being held back this time. She wipes them away and tells me, “No tears. They wouldn’t like that. You just go and be great, that is what you can do.”
I shake my head at her. I don’t have words for her. Sometimes I forget she has been through everything with us. I think part of our nostalgia is our worry over Dustin. I miss him. I just hope he is staying safe. According to Mitch, there isn’t much movement with the case, but something just “came to light.”
My phone goes off, and I rush to it, hoping it is Max telling me where we are going. Nope, it is Brielle, and her damn music. I didn’t think she was as okay as she pretended to be with our conversation earlier. I open it up and laugh. She has sent me “Compass” by Lady Antebellum. She is probably over there thinking of ways to kill Addison and bleach my ears hoping I will forget what Addison told me. Glad I am going out tonight, and the best part is it will really mess with Brielle’s head. I shoot her back a message:
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