Melanie looks at me in disbelief. “You have to put your pain and feelings aside, Brielle. Don’t worry about how it will hurt you to see her in pain, or how you are protecting Dustin. You are doing that girl harm. You have no idea what she needs to endure to come out on the other side, and it will hurt her, it may destroy her for a while, but she has to come out on the other side on her own. That girl upstairs is a ticking time bomb, and when she explodes, she may destroy everything in her path.”
“You are talking about her like she is the founder of Al-Qaeda. Melanie, she is an innocent victim, and you should be her biggest advocate.”
“I am being her advocate, by telling you all some hard truths. I don’t think she is intentionally going to harm anyone, but you never know in situations like these. How would you feel if she harmed herself or one of your children? It isn’t just Dustin you need to worry about, none of you are safe if she has a massive break. She is so innocent, yet so jaded at the same time, and those mixed together are a dangerous situation. She won’t understand the ramifications of what she is doing, because she goes to a place in her mind of total disconnect. She has trained herself to do this, just to be able to survive.”
I get everything she is saying, but making this decision could destroy Dustin, and I know it is selfish, but I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t want to destroy anyone’s life, but if you make me choose, it will always be my family. Problem is, in such a short time, I have fallen in love with Teryn, and I truly want the best for her. I sigh, “Get me the information I need, and I will handle it. This is going to destroy my family, you know that?”
“B, those two right now, are a toxic mess. It is like the meeting of the perfect storm, with hurricane force winds, and the funnel clouds of a tornado. If they keep going like they are, they will destroy each other and everything in their path. You need to face the fact; they may not work. They are not a good combination.”
I tell her, with all the faith in the world, “I don’t know; some of the most beautiful rainbows shine after the worst storms.” I just hope the rainbow of Teryn and Dustin beats the storm clouds back and flourishes somehow. If not together at the moment, I hope they both make it separately.
Chapter 10
Teryn
I can’t clear the fog that is keeping me under. I have escaped the blackness, but I can’t fully come into the light. I know someone is in the room with me, but I am unsure who it is, and that makes my heart rate accelerate and sweat break out on my brow. I hear whispering, but I cannot make out the voices.
Finally I hear Brielle’s voice, “Calm down, honey. You are still safe, I promise.” A wet cloth hits my forehead, and the gentle stroking makes me want to succumb back into the abyss. She gently starts shaking my shoulder, “You have to wake up, Teryn. Come on, we need to know you are okay.”
Why does she need to make sure I am okay? What is going on? I try and force my eyes open and immediately shut them from the brightness in the room. I wait a few minutes and finally get my eyes to open, and I see both Brielle and Melanie staring at me. They look like they have been sitting by my bed all night. I sit up and immediately wince at the soreness in my vaginal area. I freeze and immediately try to remember what happened. It hits me like a slap in the face. I had consensual sex with Dustin last night, I enjoyed it, and that was wrong. Sex is not a good thing. That would mean that what I experienced with all those other men was not against my will. I must have wanted it somehow, and I can’t make myself believe that. The ensuing freak out moment with Dustin is playing back in my head like a bad reality show, and I can’t stop it. That explains why they are sitting here staring at me like I am crazy. I am, and I justified it with my behavior last night, and now I just need the men in the white coats to come and take me away.
They are watching me, and I think waiting on me to freak out on them. I won’t. I won’t argue when they ask me to leave. I will take what they have to say, and I will agree with them, because they couldn’t say anything to me that I am not thinking myself. I stand up and prepare to start packing to make it easier on everyone involved. I go to the closet and grab my suitcase, and I hear Brielle ask me, “What are you doing?”
“Making it easier on everyone. You don’t have to ask me to leave. I will do it voluntarily. I would like to thank you for all you have done, and your family is amazing. I am sorry for coming back here with Dustin. I am not the type of person anyone should have to deal with. I am so sorry, Brielle. Please know, I mean that from the bottom of my heart.” My chin is quivering, and the tears are running down my face, and for once in my life I don’t care that I am crying. Feeling this pain is everything I deserve. I brought my crazy into their world after my dad had already injected his vile behavior into their whole existence.
Oh God, what is Dustin thinking? I can’t let my mind go there, or I am sure I would never be able to walk out this door. He must be so disgusted by me, throwing myself at him like a common whore, and then drawing blood in the aftermath. I remember every single moment of last night; including the way he looked at me. Is it not enough that I have destroyed my own life, but I had to bring innocent people into my free-falling crusade to hell?
“Sit down, Teryn. We just want to talk to you. We aren’t kicking you out,” Melanie says, in an almost detached demeanor. When I see her nod her head at Brielle and take her hand, I know it is going to be bad.
“We know everything that happened last night,” she begins, and it is beyond awkward. “I don’t know what to do to help you, and I don’t want you to destroy yourself. We need to discuss the treatment facility your counselor has recommended.” No. She can’t mean that. I will just leave them in peace, she doesn’t need to lock me up and throw away the key.
“No, please no. I will leave. You will never see me again. You can all forget about me, but I can’t be locked up. I can’t do it again, please.” I know I am begging and that is a sign of weakness that is abhorred by father, but I don’t care. I will do anything. It is fight or flight mode kicking in. I would say anything in this moment, except agreeing to go to a facility and be locked up again.
“We don’t want to lock you up, but you need extensive therapy. Last night was a break for you, and you can’t ignore your cries for help. It isn’t healthy for you or anyone around you. We want you to get the help you need, to have a life worth living. You were given a gift the day Dustin walked in your house, and you owe it to yourself to repay that gratitude by healing you,” Melanie is pleading with me.
“You mean I need to fix me?” I clarify.
“No, you are not broken, beautiful girl. You are wounded, you are hurt, but you are whole. You have fight to heal. Please, hear me. You need this, whether you want to admit it to yourself. You will be there of your own free will. You can leave, but I hope you don’t. You have a chance at something amazing in life, I hope you won’t turn your back on it and throw it away. You are part of an amazing family that loves you, and it is killing them to sit back and watch you fall apart. They are afraid one day there won’t be anything left of you.” She sure didn’t pack any punches. Brielle has tears running down her face, and she is begging me with her eyes to take this chance. They think it is a chance of a lifetime, but to me it is a death sentence.
“He loves you, Teryn. This will destroy him. I am aware of this. But watching you harm yourself and others will kill him. If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for him. Then come back to him.” She went right for the jugular. He can’t still love me after what I did to him and what I continue to do to him.
“I hate that I just went below the belt with you, but I want to see the amazing things you can do. I want to be a part of each and every step you take, and I want that for you, but for all of us. We all love you.” She rises, and hesitates before reaching for me. She hugs me and whispers over and over, “I am sorry,” before she leaves the room.
I look at Melanie, and she is awaiting my response. “How does this work?”
“Well, I practic
e in North Carolina, so if you want to stay here, I need to talk to your counselor with you present and find the best place for you. If you want to be local for them to visit you, we can go that route. You really are in control here, I promise.”
“I will make the call. Can we talk to her today?” I know if I wait I will talk myself out of it. To be honest, I am not sure I will follow through with it.
“Do me a favor? Stay away from Dustin today, until you work this out in your mind. You need to be able to tell him on your terms, and you need to work it out in your head first.” I just nod in agreement and decide to take a shower and deal with my emotions in a quiet place, alone.
The call to my counselor was easy, and she agreed to come in the office and meet with Melanie and me. Avoiding Dustin wasn’t hard because I wasn’t leaving my room. I was lying in my bed listening to music, when a text came through from Brielle.
Brielle Parker: Thank you for agreeing to this. It isn’t easy, but I promise it will be worth it. Anything worth it in life is worth the fight it takes to make it a reality. Listen to Jacquie Lee ‘Broken Ones,’ I love you, sweet girl.
It is amazing how one song can give you so much clarity. I know in that moment what my decision will be, the only one I can make to save those around me. I start packing, and when I am all done, I make my way downstairs where I know Melanie is waiting on me.
“As far away as possible is the only way I can do this. Totally alone, and I won’t tell anyone.”
She shakes her head at me, “I think that last part is a mistake, but it has to be your choice, so I agree to your terms.”
We explain to my counselor what we agreed to, and she seems relieved. She says all the hoopla like, “I am glad you are making this decision,” and “You won’t regret this,” and “the possibilities are endless” which are all translation for “Thank God this crazy bitch won’t be walking in my door three days a week.”
My only conditions are that the facility can not be local, not in Florida, and the Parkers will not be told where I am. The last one was hard for Melanie to concede to, but my counselor reminded her it was best for the patient. Once a facility was decided, and a date scheduled, we made our way back to the farmhouse, and I retreated back to my room.
Dustin has texted and called multiple times, but I have to keep to my plan. Talking to him will derail me, and I won’t do that to him. I don’t know how I will get through the next few weeks. That was the soonest everything could be arranged without admitting me to the psych ward at a hospital and requesting a transfer, and that was not an option. I will continue to work, shut myself away, and get used to being alone again.
Before Melanie leaves, she asks me to again reconsider not telling them I am leaving. I won’t budge on that, and she leaves. I am sure she is disappointed in me. She can stand in line to board that train, and I am first in line.
The next few days were tricky trying to avoid everyone. Finally, Brielle and Addison bombarded me at the bakery.
Addison can be fierce when she is left in the dark about things. “Well, what did you find out? Melanie is closed up tighter than a nun at a Chippendale’s show.” I have no clue this family’s sense of humor. Brielle just rolls her eyes.
“Just waiting on the counselor to call with a facility that has an opening. It isn’t as easy as I thought, guess there are a lot of crazy people out there,” I lie to them.
“You are not crazy, you just need to learn how your mind works, adjust to things, and everything will be great.” She is obviously lying.
“Have you talked to Dustin?” Brielle asks me. I shake my head no. “You have to talk to him, Teryn. He is blaming himself for everything. Tell him what you are planning on doing. You can’t hide this from him, and I can’t be the one to tell him. He has to understand that this is your choice.”
“I know. I will talk to him in the next few days. I just have to plan out how to tell him.”
“What do you have to plan, just tell him and make him understand,” Addison says. She doesn’t fully understand that I have to plan everything or else it doesn’t come out right. Brielle hits her and tells her to buy a clue. They both leave after reassurances that I will reach out to Dustin.
Later that evening there is a knock on my door, and Dustin stands in my doorway, refusing to come in. The scene of the crime. I am not ready to have this conversation. I can’t have it, but it seems fate has intervened.
“You can come in,” I tell him.
He shakes his head and won’t look at me. “Can we talk outside on the porch?”
I don’t answer him and instead get up and walk past him, and he has no choice but to follow me. I feel like I can at least meet his request since I have done nothing else for him. Once we reach the porch the awkward silence ensues.
He breaks it, “I am so sorry, Teryn. I should have never taken advantage of you. I can’t believe I am apologizing for the best moment of my entire existence, second only to the day I first laid eyes on you. Uh, also I didn’t use protection that night.” God, he breaks my heart. How was that the best moment of his life? I know he is trying to make me feel better.
“Dustin, you don’t have to lie to me, and things don’t have to be awkward. I know you didn’t want that to happen, and it is fine. I am sure I won’t get pregnant after the one time. I am sorry for breaking down, and it isn’t something I want to discuss further.” I hope that ends this conversation.
“What the fuck do you mean I am lying? You have no clue how I feel about you. I love you, Teryn Hall. I fucking love everything about you . . . the sad part, the confused part, the quirky part, the angry part, and the part of you still undiscovered. There is nothing about you that I don’t love and don’t want to be included in. When you are mad I want you to hit me, when you are sad I want it to be my shoulder you cry on, when you are happy I want it to be my arms you jump in, and when you are confused I want to be the one to guide you. I can’t do it alone, you have to want it as much as me.”
I can’t do this; I can’t break his heart. How does he love me? I don’t think he does, he has just talked himself into it out of guilt or duty. “Thank you for that, Dustin. I think we need to take some time and evaluate what this means.”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you shut down on me and go back to that prim girl you were before you removed your shell. That isn’t fair. Tell me you don’t love me, tell me you don’t want this.”
“I can’t tell you that, but I also can’t be what you want. I can’t be what you want us to be. Just wait, please give me some time.”
He doesn’t look convinced, but he bends down and gently kisses my forehead and looks into my eyes. “I waited eighteen years for you, and I will wait forever. Just knowing one day I will hear you say that you love me, is enough for me.”
He leaves, and I can’t stop the emotions that take over my body. I pray for the next two weeks to go by quickly or that the facility will call me and tell me they have an opening.
I don’t get that lucky. I have seen Dustin, ate dinner with the family here and there, but have been a bit reclusive. It is the only way I can get through this. I was a sobbing mess when I got my period two days ago. I was actually praying I would leave here with a piece of him. Funny, I can barely take care of myself and I was wishing I were with child. I felt like it would give me a permanent tie to him, because I know when I leave, it is over. I wasn’t this scared to leave my childhood dungeon, but I am absolutely petrified to leave this home. Nobody has mentioned me spending more time alone than usual, I think they assume I am preparing. I promised Brielle and Addison I would tell Dustin this weekend. I won’t be here this weekend, but they don’t need to know that.
I finish packing the last of my essentials and meet my counselor outside her office. Luckily, Melanie arranged a car to take me here, and my counselor is flying with me to my destination. I stare at the one-way ticket in my hand. It says it is to Wisconsin, but I think it is actually to hell. Only time will tell.
Chapter 11
Cambree
I didn’t exactly get the welcome home I was expecting. Teryn is full of herself, avoiding everyone, and Dustin is barely holding on. I am seriously about to call her counselor because what she is doing to both of them isn’t helping her. Instead of getting better, she is slipping further away, and Dustin is waiting on her to throw him a lifeline.
As I get ready to settle in to bed alone because Max is working tonight, my phone rings. It lights up with Dustin’s name. All I hear is crying; he is in pain and needs me. I briefly call Max to let him know I am leaving, and once I get to Dustin, I am shocked. I have never seen my brother so destroyed. Nothing could prepare me. I do the only thing I can and hold him to me, and before I know it my sisters have joined us. After an hour, and nothing is any clearer, I look and see somehow the rest of the crew has been notified because Mitch is crouching down near the bed while Colby, Tyler, Kayleigh, and Max are standing in the doorway, solemn looks on their faces, not knowing what to do in this situation. Dustin is inconsolable, and all he keeps saying is “She is gone. She left me.” I have no idea of who ‘she’ is. I am clueless.
“D, can you tell me what happened? What is going on? Help me out here,” I plead with him, not able to stop my own tears. I cannot stand to see him in pain; he has had enough. He doesn’t answer me but takes a crumbled piece of paper out of his pocket and drops it in front of me.
I open it, not prepared for what I see.
Dustin,
I didn’t have the courage to tell you, but this is good-bye. Forever. You deserve so much more than I can ever be, and I would not want to saddle you down with the likes of me. When you told me you loved me, I wanted to believe it so bad, but I know you can’t love me. I hope you don’t hate me, but I wouldn’t blame you. Any of you.
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