I head home for a little while. I plan to make the best of my time here, and it is getting harder. Every street I drive down, I remember taking a similar path with Teryn. I take a different route, and I pass the bakery. I go ten miles out of my way, and I pass the drive-in I took her to and remember how her eyes lit up when she realized we were watching a movie outside. A knock on the door breaks my train of thought.
“Come in.”
Brielle comes in, and she has her we-are-going-to-talk face on. Did we not just finish this?
“Truth, D. Why California? I know they have a great school, but what is the driving force behind going so far away? A few months ago, you wanted to be back home with us, now you can’t get far enough away.”
I sigh. She wants no bullshit. She is going to get it. “I can’t fucking take a step on this land, in this town, without seeing her, remembering her. It hurts, I need as much space between her and my memories as I can get.”
“It doesn’t matter how far you go. The memories are not just in your head, but also in your heart. You can’t erase them with miles, Dustin. You know better. Why are you so angry with her?”
“SHE FUCKING LEFT ME!” I shout at her, and my voice vibrates off the wall. “She left and took my heart and never glanced back.”
“You don’t know that. I swear I don’t think that is what happened. I know you hurt, but it isn’t that simple.”
“Love shouldn’t be this hard. It shouldn’t make you feel so alone and hurt. Love is mutual, and she didn’t love me, so what do I have left?”
“Dustin, love isn’t easy; especially for her having never experienced any form of it. Love is the hardest emotion you will ever experience, and the rollercoaster it takes you on is unforgettable. It is every color of the rainbow and then some. It isn’t black and white, pain or pleasure. It is all of those in one. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it soothes, and sometimes it cuts you open until you bleed, but it is always constant. What you feel? You won’t ever recover. I am being honest. You may try and move on, hell you may succeed, but what you feel for her will be hers forever. That heart you gave to her . . . you may one day get it back, but she will forever hold a piece of it. That is how you know it is real. So while I wish telling you that running away and putting distance between you and this place will make it easier, it won’t. It may make it harder, because as you miss her even more, you will crave those visual reminders of her, and you won’t have them. Think about that, and remember you aren’t the only one in pain. Don’t forget I left for a while too, yes; I got my head on straight and realized you can overcome anything if you want to, but I never stopped loving Colby. It never hurt less until I was in his arms.”
“That is the difference. You knew where he was, I don’t have that luxury.” She shakes her head at me, not in disappointment, but she is lost as to what else to do. “B, you can’t change what I feel, how I perceive things. You can’t fix what is shattered. I have to move past it and away from it. Just support me.”
“Always, D. But you know I will always tell you when you are wrong, and right now you are making a huge-ass mistake. One I hope you can rebound from.”
She goes to walk out the door and calls over her shoulder, “Eric Church, ‘Give Me Back My Hometown.’ Listen to it. Oh, and wrap it before you tap it.”
The rest of the days fly by; between partying, packing, and hanging with family, the day is here, and I am boarding the plane with the whole family accompanying to the airport. Holy shit, we almost look like the freaking Duggars! Quick, someone call TLC and see if we can get our own show. Although I am pretty sure every other word would be bleeped out.
After the millionth hug, miss you, be good, don’t forget to call when you land, don’t forget to call when you get to the dorms, do you need money? If you forgot anything call and I will send it . . . I think I can board. Brielle goes to give me another speech, but I cut her off. “I got it; call, don’t talk to strangers, look both ways before crossing the street . . . did I miss anything?”
“Just for that, when I send cookies, you will never know what batch I let Addy make.” We all groan, even Addison. That is a punishment worse than death. Her cooking sucks, to say the least.
“Okay, I am officially scared.” I give a quick wave, and go through security, where I wish it was a pretty young TSA agent copping a feel on me instead of the linebacker-sized dude feeling all around my junk. I want to tell him I am pretty sure that is attached to me, but I am afraid to go in a private room with him. I guess I pass, because before I know it I am up in the air, flying towards my new home. I have some nerves, but more excitement. Even though Brielle thinks I am making a mistake, I think I am taking a step towards my future.
The last few weeks have been tough. I barely have time to breathe, but I make sure to call home frequently. I made the mistake of missing a few days. I mean it isn’t like I had classes, conditioning, practice, homework, oh and I had to eat; then coach walked on the field one day, “Parker?”
“Yes, sir”
“Your sisters called, they would like you to call home.” That shit was embarrassing, and three weeks later I am still catching shit for it. Classes are typical pre-requisite shit, and I am not any closer to knowing what I want to do. Mitch would shit a brick if he found out Criminal Justice is interesting to me. Maybe I could join the police academy. When I worked a little with them last year, the ins and outs of the case challenged me, and I need something like that. I haven’t looked into what is offered here, this is more of an uppity ‘I am going to be a lawyer or physician’ school. I guess I should have considered that, but I didn’t.
I still think about her several times a day, and every night I fall asleep looking at her picture, but I also keep telling myself it is getting easier. I ran into an old soccer team member, Ramsey. He was a year older than me, but we are playing together, and he invited me to a party tonight at his fraternity house. This would actually be the first time I was experiencing the night-life of the campus.
His fraternity is a few blocks from the dorm, so it is a quick walk. The party is in full force when I arrive, and I am handed a bottle of beer as I walk in. I guess a keg is not standard practice at every college. I have noticed a lot of the girls in Cali look like miniature Barbies, and I am down with that. Music is playing, and it is nothing like back home. I keep reminding myself that that is a good thing. I see several girls taking shots, and one catches my eye. I don’t make my way over to her, but I make sure she notices me. Another thing I have noticed about Cali girl is that they think a boy with a tattoo is a bad boy. They are all over that shit.
I make sure I stay away from her but notice her eyes tracking my every move. I shoot the shit and mingle, then head out, back to my dorm. I have no doubt that mystery girl will get all my information and somehow “show up” at practice or outside my dorm and “casually” bump into me. Maybe this was just what I needed . . . a change of scenery.
Chapter 19
Teryn
Today marks three months that I have been here, halfway to my goal. Everyone says what great progress I am making, and I do feel stronger every day. The night terrors are still there, but not every night. I am also told that they may never go away, my past is what happened to me, it is a piece of me, and as long as I have coping techniques and use them, usually I can go back to sleep after a few hours.
This week starts my systemic desensitization, which will include introducing me to fears, slowly, and then building up. Julia decided that having a male therapist in my session with her present will be my first challenge. I never thought about having a male therapist before, but now I realize that without me saying anything, they must have known that was a trigger.
I walk in Julia’s office and notice she is alone. I ask, “I thought we were starting systemic today?”
“We were. Come in and sit down. I need to talk to you about something that happened last night.”
Right away, I feel myself thinking the worst and I talk myself out of those thought
s, challenging my thoughts, and I am proud that it took less than four minutes this time. Progress. I take a seat and nod at her that I am ready.
“I received a phone call last night from the Captain that was in charge of your father’s case. I have to tell you, your father was found murdered last night in his cell. There are no suspects, and I suspect they won’t look very hard.”
I take it all in. I feel relief, not sorrow, and immediately feel guilty for that. “Should I be upset?” I ask Julia.
“Teryn, remember to own your feelings, don’t make excuses. If you want to grieve that is your prerogative, if you want to rejoice, again, that is fine. However you want to feel is okay.”
“I feel relief. I feel like I don’t have to look over my shoulder every step I take. I feel joy that the Parkers are free to live life.”
“You are, too. You are setting yourself free every day.”
“I want to call the Parkers. Am I allowed a phone call?”
“Honey, this is not prison. It was never against the rules for you to contact anyone. You set the rule on yourself, and I admit it was good in the beginning, but I also like that you are feeling strong enough to reach out. One more thing, the tapes we have discussed . . . they are being sent here via courier and private security, and they are yours to do with what you want.”
“What? How?”
“I didn’t ask. One lesson I have learned in life is not to look a gift horse in the mouth, and this is one of those times not to question how or why, but to think that sometimes good things happen to good people, and this is what is happening,”
“I don’t want to watch them. I am not sure I can even touch them.”
“Understandable. Do you want us to dispose of them?”
“No, I have to do it. Do we have a place for a bonfire here?”
Julia smiles. “I am proud of you, and I think that can be arranged. I want you to take today, assess your feelings, and remember they are okay, whatever they are. Make that call if you want, and we will start fresh tomorrow.”
“Sounds good.”
Before I make it through the door, she calls out to me, “Teryn, you are going to be just fine.”
I turn and smile at her, and not one bit is forced, “I know.”
I spend the next few hours processing everything, and I am happy. I have a feeling of sadness for the little girl I once was who wanted her daddy’s love and devotion, but that girl is long gone, thanks to Brent Hall. I realize that without the threat of the tapes, no trial, and nobody really knowing who I am, I have no ties to him, and that feels fan-fucking-tastic.
I immediately go to the front desk and request the phone. She leads me to a few small private rooms off the hallway, and I choose one and make my call. Brielle answers on the first ring, and immediately I am nervous.
“Brielle, it is Teryn. Teryn Hall,” I stupidly tell her.
“Teryn, is it really you? Oh beautiful girl it is wonderful hearing your voice. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I just got some news, and I wanted to call you. Have you heard?”
“Yes, and I am telling you I am not sorry, and I hope that doesn’t hurt your feelings.”
“No, all I have felt is relief and some gratitude for the guy who did what I never could. Does that make me a bad person?”
“Do not think that way. Ever. When do you think we can see you?”
“Right now I am still doing some serious work, but I have made progress every day. I can’t wait to see you, but probably another few months. Do you still want to see me?”
“Yes, silly. I just asked, didn’t I? I knew you could do it. You just had to try. I am so proud of you.”
The elephant over the phone line is killing me, “Does he hate me?”
She sighs. “He could never hate you, no matter what he tries to tell himself.”
“How is he?”
“He says fine, but I am not sure.”
“What does that mean?”
“He is in California, at school, playing soccer. He left about six weeks ago.”
“So he moved on?” I blurt out without meaning to.
“He is telling himself that, but truthfully no. But you don’t need to worry about anyone but yourself. Will you keep in touch now?”
“If you want.”
“Of course, I do. Will you tell me where you are?”
“Rogers Treatment in Wisconsin. I am sorry for the way I left, but I had to.”
“Don’t apologize. Do I wish things were different? Of course I do; but I also trusted in you when you didn’t, and you did what was best for you and that is what you needed. Leave the guilt at the door.”
“Thank you. I can’t believe how much I miss you all. I never had a family before.”
“You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you refer to us as family on your own. Hang on, Colby is here and wants to talk to you, is that okay?”
“Sure.”
“Hey girl. You taking care of you?”
“Yep, every day is better.”
“You okay with the news you got today?”
“Better than okay.”
“With all of it?”
“Yes. How did you know there was more?” This is freaking me out a little bit, do they all know?
“Calm down, but remember everything that was done was for you. We love you and hurry home.”
I hear Brielle’s voice, “He is so cryptic. I swear he watches too much Law & Order.”
If she only knew, and thank God that she doesn’t. “He is Colby, you have always said that there is no sense in trying to understand men.”
“Just remember that, and call anytime. Day or night; whether you want to say hello, or just chat.”
“Got it. I am going to go now, tell everyone I said hello.”
“Will do, Teryn. Love you.” I wait until I hear her hang up before I place the phone back in the cradle. He is moving on. He left his family and is starting over, without me. I guess he figured I left first, so I can’t blame him. I resolve right then, once I am better, I will be traveling to California. We have some unfinished business.
Feeling lighter than I ever have, I notice I have a spring in my step and a smile on my face, and neither are unnatural or forced. Be warned, Dustin Parker, I am coming for you, soon. Whoever killed my father last night possibly saved my life. I send a silent thank you to the unknown vigilante and pray he sleeps soundly every night and never regrets what he did. I know I don’t regret him being dead. I hope he burns in hell.
Chapter 20
Dustin
Getting the phone call from Mitch was surreal. I can’t even begin to describe how it feels to know my family is safe from Brent, and to say I am elated over the death of a man is an understatement. My first thought was Teryn and how she was feeling. Is she happy? Knowing her, she feels guilty for no reason, and unless she has totally had her brain rewired there will be no escaping that. I hope she gets past it, and as much as I wish it were different, I wish I could have been with her when she got the news. I am no longer fooling myself into thinking that I am over her, or that I ever will be. I just hope she can move on from this and be happy, wherever that may be, because if there is one person who deserves it, she does.
It didn’t take long for the chick from the party to drop by my dorm, on the pretense that she thought her roommate’s boyfriend lived her. The front of the dorm is clearly labeled ‘Soccer,’ and when I asked her if he played on the team, she had no answer. We haven’t hooked up because I had to leave her alone when she told me her name. Tara Montgomery. It is hard for me to call her by her name, so I stick to “babe” mostly. She is trying to play hard to get after I blew her off at first, but I figure after dinner and movies tonight, she will end up in my room. I am still sticking to my rule of no sleepovers, though.
We are going to a popular pizza place near campus. I don’t have a car here and until I figure out my plans, I am not sending for mine or buying one. I figure if I need to go anywhe
re of distance I can rent one. I walk up outside her dorm and send her a text to let her know I am out front. She isn’t in a co-ed dorm, so I couldn’t go up to her room to get her anyway.
I immediately tell she is trying too hard to reel me in. Fancy clothes, hair styled, and make-up all done. Her perfume is strong, and if I continue to hang out with her I may have to tell her that soap would work better. She smiles at me and shyly says, “Hey, Dustin.” She is using a breathy voice, but the shy thing isn’t working for me; for one, this girl has a reputation, from what I hear her degree is a MRS. and secondly, I saw her at the frat party slamming shots and dancing like she was born on a pole. We are going to have to cut the shit, because I don’t play games.
“Look, Tara. I think you are a cool girl, but I need you to be real. Don’t be who you think I want you to be, because honestly I am not looking for anything serious, and I don’t even know what I want.” I watch her face fall slightly, almost as if she thinks I am brushing her off, then this gleam comes over her eye, and I have never seen that kind of look. More than determination, but regardless, I think I just threw down a gauntlet or something.
“Got it. Let’s go eat and see where this night goes.” Hell yes, that is the right answer. I am surprised that we are having a good time. She is funny and inappropriate, but there is something that isn’t giving me the warm fuzzies around her. I feel like I need to be on guard all the time. She laughs at my sexual innuendos and throws her own back at me, and before I know it, we missed the movie.
“The movie already started, sorry. We lost track of time,” I tell her.
“That’s cool. Why don’t we go to your dorm and see if we can lose some clothes.” I haven’t ever had anyone be this forward and it is kind of hot. She is like me. She knows what she wants and no bullshit.
“No sleepovers. That is my only rule.” I need to be upfront with her.
“No falling in love with me that is my only rule,” she counters back at me.
“No worries with that, love and I don’t mix.” That look is back in her eyes, but when she reaches under the table and grabs my dick, I forget all about it.
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