Julia smiles at me. “There is the girl I have been waiting to see.” She waits until I get my emotions under control. “This changes things, what do you plan on doing now?”
“Not a fucking clue. Any suggestions?”
“You still liking that word?” She is referring to fuck, but I just ignore her. “Actually, let me make a few calls. You want a job?”
“Yes, I do. I have money from my father’s estate, they released it since there was no trial, but I would prefer not to use it if I don’t need to.”
“Don’t be afraid to use it. Set yourself up somewhere. Don’t feel guilty; you don’t know where all the money came from.”
“I want to find out what happened with my mother,” I blurt out. We haven’t discussed her much, mainly because I don’t know what happened.
“Figure out where you want to live, then work through the steps of how to do that.” She is telling me to cope, to do this on my own. She has so much faith in me.
“I would love to spend the night away from here, get a hotel room. Be on my own and know after the news I just got, I can deal.” She nods and smiles again at me. After arranging the room and transportation for me, I go to my room and pack an overnight bag. I shouldn’t grab it, but I grab my iPod and newly purchased laptop. I just set up my email and was going to message the Parkers and tell them Merry Christmas. I may hold off on that. I know his engagement is real, but hearing it from one of them will make it definite.
It feels good and strange at the same time to be on my own. I know it isn’t a permanent home, and I will have to figure out where to go from here. I pick up a map on my way and I take it out to look. I focus on Tennessee. Could I go there and fight my pull to him? How could he do this to us? Did he not have enough faith in me to get better? Well, screw him. If he believed in me so little, then he doesn’t deserve me. With a resolve I didn’t know I had, my decision is made. Eventually, I will contact the girls, but I want to get settled and in a routine before I disrupt their lives and mine.
I soak in a hot bath playing the radio, and when Gary Allan ‘Promise Broken’ starts playing I smirk to myself and think there are no more fitting words than those.
Chapter 27
Dustin
Being back at school hasn’t changed the fact that I made a big ass mistake that I have no clue how to rectify. The simple answer would be to break off the engagement, and believe me I think of that numerous times a day, but then Tara threatens to kill herself or some other nonsense. I don’t necessarily believe her, but what if she does? Do I fail another person like I did Teryn? I can’t risk it.
I haven’t spoken to my family since we left in January, and now spring break is upon us, and I am not going home. I don’t want to add to the stress there, especially when I just found out Cambree is pregnant. Max would probably beat Tara’s ass if she upset Cambree while carrying his spawn. My nineteenth birthday is next week, and I wonder if Tara will even remember. She is in full-on wedding planning, and she is the worst bridezilla, ever. The only thing I have stepped in on is when she thought she was going to ask my parents to be a part of it. I told her there would be no wedding, and I fully intend to follow through, when she realized I was serious she backed off.
After the news hit about our engagement and the ensuing drama outing Mitch as the long, lost, forgotten about son, I was pissed. I knew she set that up, but she won’t admit to it, and without proof, what do you do? My sisters have charged her with that crime and burnt her at the stake, but I can’t blame them for that. Especially when my parents showed up New Year’s Day at the ranch. That was not pretty and Tara putting her two cents in doesn’t help matters. She didn’t understand it and probably never will.
Colby, Tyler, and Max escorted them off the property after we all got to say what we have needed to say for years.
Addison told them she was ashamed of their actions, and they needed to remember they had consequences, and those would mean staying away from her, Tyler, and the girls. She did not accept any of their empty apologies and told them family isn’t necessarily what you are born into, but what you create. We have all the family we need right here on this ranch.
Brielle said nothing, and her silence spoke volumes. What I am disgusted the most about are the apologies they made about not believing her accusations about Brent. Too little too late, and Brielle has made her peace with that.
Cambree told them she was done with them. They had hurt her and her family for the last time and had no place in her life. She said the one thing she aspired to do was never be like them.
I didn’t speak to them. They knew where I stood. Mitch, finally being able to come face-to-face with the man who left his mother pregnant and alone; the man who employed the monster that had a hand in Hope’s death; stood toe-to-toe with him and never broke eye contact. My father being the coward he was, refused to acknowledge the damage and pain he caused. He refused to acknowledge Mitch and what he needed to say to him. Mitch called him “pathetic” and moved on.
We each had our own pain and resentment to deal with. The common factor is disappointment. Coming to the realization that they don’t care, or won’t admit to being in the wrong, but now trying to play the victim, solidifies our decision to cut them out of our lives completely and fully heal. Tara doesn’t get it and says it is unnatural to not have a relationship with your parents, no matter how superficial. She doesn’t understand that the unnatural part is actually how terrible they were as parents. You can’t pick your family, and you can’t change other people’s choices, but you also don’t have to let them in your life because of DNA or blood. You have to accept it and move on. Some things and situations are not redeemable, and what they inflicted on us, you can’t come back from that. The important thing is we are all okay with our decisions. We know we were innocent, and even if they directly impacted us, they have to answer for them, but we don’t have to accept them. And we don’t accept them, at all. There is no hearts and flowers family reunion, but they are the ones who lost out. We have our family, and they have each other.
I allow myself to think of my last birthday spent with Teryn. I shouldn’t have these thoughts when I have agreed to marry another woman. I should be okay with the knowledge that Tara can’t hurt me because I don’t love her, but I used to dream about what my sister’s had; that one person that could make the worst day better just by a simple touch, or a whispered I love you. I never longed for that until I envisioned it with her. It sucks to be jealous of your siblings when it isn’t their fault.
Tara bounces in the room with her damn wedding book, “What do you think of Mexico for a honeymoon?”
“No, I told you I don’t have time for a honeymoon right now; once we get married in July, then I start the police academy. Why do I feel you don’t listen to me half the time?”
“You can’t be serious. You would rather go to the academy than Mexico?”
“Is it always going to be like this? Anything I say, you don’t support me? I want to do this, I have told you over and over, and you still turn your nose up at it like it is beneath you. You need to decide now if you can live with my decision, because I am not changing my mind.”
“Why won’t you consider other options? It is so common.”
“Tara, you are pissing me off with this. Drop it . . . deal with it or leave.”
“You would like that, wouldn’t you?” She is not going to start her bullshit and play the victim card.
“I have made myself clear. You have to quit punishing me for a past I can’t change if you want our future.” She looks scared for a minute. I hope I finally got through to her. She goes in the bedroom and sulks, but when I get in bed she apologizes and promises she will try.
She is attentive and loving for the next week, remembering my birthday, even with a store-bought cake. She made plans for me to take us out to dinner and shopping, there were shoes she had to have for the rehearsal dinner. Oh, and the matching purse.
She is going to the b
each tomorrow with some friends and staying over at Laura’s house tonight. It has been a long time since I have had alone time before bed, and I find myself scrolling through my pictures and remembering. The memories are getting more distant, but they still hurt just as bad as the day she left me. Maybe I will never forget the pain, maybe she isn’t meant to be forgotten, like a permanent scar on my heart. I don’t know if I ever want to forget, but sometimes I would like to be able to look at her pictures and think of the good times, when it was just the two of us in the Keys. To hear her laughter, even though it wasn’t often that she would laugh, it was music to my ears. I want to be able to look at her and not feel the pain at the same time.
I call Brielle, “Hey, big sis.”
“How are you? Still going through with it?”
“Yes, and I need you to support me. Please, I miss you.”
“It’s hard, D. You want me to stand next to you while you marry someone you don’t love, who your family can’t stand. She goes out of her way to be hurtful, and you expect me to be okay with it. I want more for you.”
“I did too, at one point. Now, I just need to keep my promise to Tara and be there for her.”
“How long are you going to punish yourself? This isn’t fair to anyone involved.”
“I won’t make the same mistakes. I won’t let another girl down.”
“You didn’t let Teryn down. You couldn’t save her; she had to save herself. Why can’t you understand that?”
“I feel like if my love was strong enough, if she cared about me as much as I did her, then it would have been enough.”
“Dustin, what you don’t understand is it was all that and more. She cared enough to want to get better, for you. It wasn’t for her; she was devastated to leave you. She asks about you when I talk to her.”
“When did you last speak with her?”
She is silent for a minute. “A few months ago, but she emails. I don’t know why she stopped calling. I am afraid to ask.”
“Why are you afraid?”
“I don’t want her to have to tell me that she saw your engagement announced. I don’t want her to have to relive that moment, because if I know anything, I know that tore her up. You may think she broke your heart, and I don’t doubt it hurt, I was here, I saw it. But you don’t understand that by doing what you are doing, you destroyed hers. You aren’t just ruining your life; you are ruining hers. I don’t know what else to tell you.”
“Tell me it will stop hurting one day.”
“I hope it does. Then I will know you are where you belong, with Teryn. That is the only way you will stop the pain.”
“I can’t do that, B. I can’t risk it.”
“Cambree is right, you are a coward, and I am disappointed in you. If you have learned anything from us, it should be that love isn’t easy. It hurts, it heals, but damn it, Dustin you have to give it a fighting chance.”
“I tried. I really did. She didn’t.”
“When are you going to realize that she couldn’t try? Not on her own, so she went to get help. That was her fighting; you are the one who gave up.” She hangs up on me, and I ponder if she is right. Teryn did love me. If she did though, why isn’t she reaching out to me? Why did she never attempt to talk to me, write me?
Brielle sends me a song, ‘Life Ain’t Always Beautiful’ by Gary Allan, and with the first line, I am crying. I haven’t cried for Teryn since I moved here, and I question for the first time, did I give up? Did she leave for us? Did I just blow-up my whole future? I need answers, and the one person who can give them to me hasn’t talked to me in nine months. We have been separated as long as we were together, but my heart is still with her.
Chapter 28
Teryn
The one-year anniversary of me walking off the property I had grown to love is quickly approaching. Which means in less than a month, Dustin will be married. It doesn’t get any easier to admit no matter how many times I tell myself. I still talk to the girls via email, occasionally the guys will say hello and check in on me. Nobody has mentioned the engagement or asked where I am. I never even told them I was ready to leave the facility and wasn’t going to because they would ask me to visit, and my window of opportunity has passed. I won’t go there when he is home. I can’t see him knowing he isn’t mine anymore, and he never will be. I have learned a shit-ton about myself, and it isn’t half bad.
As soon as I got settled in Knoxville, I rented a condo on my own, shopped for furniture, and made it my own. I took driver’s courses and got my license, bought a car, and have been working at a law firm for about three months. Just filing and answering the phone, but I am making it. Me, Teryn Hall, who couldn’t even walk outside her front door without suffering a full-blown panic attack almost two years ago, living and working and making a life for myself. It has been almost two years of hell, but I walked through that inferno and came out on the other side. It is through the law firm I met Timothy Graham, the private detective I hired to research what happened to my mom.
He is cute, but he doesn’t make my heart skip a beat, and that is what I am waiting for, that epic love. I had it once, and some say it is a once in a lifetime thing, if that is the case, then I am thankful I experienced it. I wish I could ask Brielle to send my phone to me. What I would do to look at the pictures of our time together. Every picture I see now has her attached to it, and I can’t bring myself to imagine him as mine with her staring back at me.
Timothy has made it clear that he is interested in me, but he is polite when I rebuff him. He says one day he will wear me down. I don’t have the heart to tell him he won’t, and who knows, there may be a day when I don’t wake up yearning for another man. For now, he has been friend-zoned, as he refers to it. I am meeting with him this afternoon. He just got back from Florida going through all my father’s personal things with a fine-tooth comb. I actually want to reach out to Brielle today. I want her with me when I get whatever news I get. Just because I can do it on my own doesn’t mean I want to. I know she would come, and I know it wouldn’t make me weak for asking her, but I don’t, and proceed to the meeting.
The first thing I notice is that he won’t look at my face, and he doesn’t have the playful demeanor I have become accustomed to. I talk myself through my breathing exercises in my head but find I am controlling myself without them. I walk to the table, and he glances at me.
“God, Teryn, I wish I had better news.” He is the only one I have semi-opened up to. Not about all the ugliness, but the general consensus of it. My past does not define me anymore, so no need to share with everyone.
“She is dead, isn’t she?” His silence answers my question. The tears I didn’t know I would shed for a stranger stream down my face. I don’t know why I am grieving for a woman I don’t remember, but maybe because I feel connected to her. I know she was killed at his hands even before Timothy tells me.
“She suffered enough, Teryn. She is in a better place. From my accounts and records, she died protecting you. She was moving money, reaching out to get new identities for you and her. She thought she was being careful, and I guess she wasn’t aware of the depth your father would go to. I found a picture of the two of you.” He slides a photo across the table.
I look at it and swear it could be me holding my own toddler. I resemble her that much. From our dark black hair, to our fair and creamy skin, all the way down to our midnight blue eyes. I try and remember the day this was taken and can’t. This upsets me more, the woman I was searching for, my mother, who loved me enough to risk her life trying to protect me, is forgotten in my mind, and I just want to remember something. I try to calm my breathing, but nothing is working, not even praying. “Get me out of here,” I plead to Timothy. He must see something in my eyes that puts him on alert because in the next second I am swept up in his arms, and he is carrying me out of there. I don’t remember the drive to my house or him getting us inside.
I wake up from the fog I was in, and I am wrapped in Timothy’s
arms and my first thought is ‘this feels nice.’ I wasn’t freaking out. He notices I am coherent and says, “God, woman you scared the shit out of me; how often does that happen?”
“Never anymore. I think I was trying to force something and lost myself. I just wanted a memory, and I had to dig through a lot of ugly ones to dig for a good one, and I never found it.”
“You wouldn’t quit shaking. I didn’t know if you were cold or in shock, so I was keeping you close.” He starts to shift me out of his arms, but I find myself clinging to him. He looks down at me, questioning me. I don’t give myself time to think, I just go with impulse and slowly brush my lips across his in a whisper of a kiss. He immediately pulls me closer to him and deepens the kiss.
It is nice, not the soul-shattering, feel it in my bones kind of kiss I had with Dustin, and he must notice that I am not as responsive as he wishes because he ends it. Taking my face in his hands, he asks, “Who is it?”
“The man that saved me. He made me want a future with him. He made my future shine so brightly. But now he is engaged to someone else.”
“Is he married?’
“Next month.”
“Then it isn’t too late.”
“It is. I want his happiness more than I want mine.”
“Are you sure he is happy? From where I am sitting you aren’t the kind of girl you ever get over.”
“I don’t know.”
“What’s his name?”
“Dustin Parker.”
He stares at me in disbelief. “Franklin Parker’s son?”
“The one and only.”
“Think about it. If you still love him like this, are you sure he is over you?”
“I am not sure of anything, Timothy. Except that I worked my ass to get to where I am today, and if anyone can risk my sanity, it would be him.”
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