And guess who ate it?
Yeah, me. I’d eat anything off that Irishman…
In memory of Patrick Eden:
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?’
Father O’Malley replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature. ’
Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away, Father. Do ya think five thousand is enough to donate to them for the service?’
Father O’Malley exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?’
FUN BONUS
(A Day In The Life Of Crystal Jake)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oKPYe53h78
You’re The One I Want
My sleep is disturbed by something tickling my ear. I open my eyes and automatically turn towards Lily. She is fast asleep. In fact, the tickling is coming from the other side. I turn my face. In the gloom of my bedroom, my daughter’s little face floats next to my head. I stretch my eyes open. ‘What?’
She puts her finger to her lips. ‘Shhhh.’
I nod.
She leans forwards and cupping her hands around my ears whispers, ‘Daddy, let’s make pancakes for Mummy.’
‘What time is it?’ I whisper back.
‘Time to wake up.’
Silly me. Of course, what else would it be? The alarm o’clock says six o’clock.
‘Where are your brothers?’
‘Sleeping,’ she dismisses scornfully.
I slip on a pair of sweat pants and we tiptoe out of the room as stealthy as cat burglars. We go down the stairs and our long-suffering dog wakes up, gives a huge stretch and, wagging his tail, follows us. The cat opens an eye, then goes right back to sleep. We go into the kitchen, lit by the early morning summer sun shining brightly through the windows. I lift Liliana up and put her on the island top. I inhale the top of her head. My daughter smells like a slice of heaven in the mornings.
‘Daddy, can we make pancakes like how you and Mummy make them?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘We dance and hug while we make them.’ She swirls her fingers.
I laugh. ‘Oh. That. Sure. We can dance like that while we make them.’
‘Put on a song for us, then.’
‘Which one?’
‘The thousand years one. The one with the words, I’ve loved you for a thousand years, and I’ll love you for another thousand.’ It is endearing the way she drags out the word thousand.
I smile at her. ‘I can’t dance to that with you. That’s Mummy and Daddy’s song. I promised Mummy that will be our special song.’
Her face becomes thoughtful. ‘But what about me? We don’t have a special song.’
‘How about you pick a song and that’ll be our song. I won’t dance to it with anyone else.’
‘Yesssss,’ she cries, her eyes filling up with excitement. Then she stops and looks at me slyly. ‘You won’t even dance with Mummy?’
‘Not even Mummy,’ I confirm. One day my daughter is going to make some poor fool’s life hell on earth.
She puts her hands on her hips. ‘What if Mummy asks you to?’
‘I’ll say no,’ I tell her firmly.
Her eyes narrow to accusing slits. She usually reserves this expression for her brothers and cousins. ‘But you never say no to Mummy.’
‘Yes, I do.’
‘No, you don’t.’
‘Yes, I do.’
‘When have you said no?’ she demands, with her little chin pushed out.
I rub my face and consider the question. Hmmm. Out of the mouth of babes. My daughter could have a point. I can’t remember the last time I said no to Lily.
I grin suddenly. ‘Sometimes Mummy says, “You stink. Go have a bath.” And I say, “no.”’
She dissolves into giggles. ‘You’re lying, Daddy.’
‘Fine, how about the next time Mummy asks me to do something I’ll say no?’
‘Okay,’ she agrees with the sweet naivety and innocence of children.
‘Pick a song then.’
She thinks. ‘I don’t know Daddy. There are too many.’
‘Well, do you want something happy, sweet, or funny?’
‘I want something happy,’ she says immediately and decisively.
‘Let me see if I can find something that’s perfect for us,’ I say going over to the music deck. She trails behind me. I see that my mother must have been around because Olivia Newton John’s greatest hits is at the top of the selection. I look at my daughter and suddenly I know the perfect father and daughter routine for us.
‘Oh Liliana, I think I found us the best song ever. Come on, I’ll show you. I pull up You Tube and look for that old favorite, You’re the One That I Want performed by Olivia Newton John and John Travolta. I put it on full screen, switch it on, and let her watch. She seems transfixed.
When it is finished, I pause it. ‘Like it?’
She nods vigorously.
‘Is it good enough for us?’
‘Yup.’
‘Want to see it again?’
‘Yup.’
We watch it two more times before I stop it and say, ‘Think we can do the same?’
She grins. ‘I can. My part’s easy-peasy,’ she says confidently.
‘Good.’
‘Wait for me I’ll be back,’ she says, and races off upstairs.
I go into the kitchen and take out the ingredients and utensils for making pancakes. She comes into the kitchen wearing her sparkly red shoes and carrying one of my shirts.
‘You need a shirt to twirl.’
‘Thank you,’ I say, taking the shirt from her and putting it on.
I locate the track on iTunes and turn towards her. ‘Ready?’ I ask.
‘Yes.’
The kitchen fills with music and I start making my moves ala Travolta while she watches and waits for her turn to join in. I know that we are on to a winner by the way she is nodding her head and shaking her little hips to the music the way Olivia did.
‘It’s electrifying,’ I mime, and shaking my body as if I have been electrocuted, I fall to the ground. Liliana twists the cigarette she has been pretending to smoke under the heel of her sparkly shoes and as I start to rise up, puts her tiny foot on my chest, and pushes me back down.
Then she struts away like a real pro and I start chasing after her. Instead of a flight of stairs that Olivia went up, Liliana starts climbing up the steps into her brother’s cot while I pretend to writhe at the bottom of it. When she starts beckoning me with her little finger, I begin to wish I had recorded this. Lily so needs to see this. She is so incredibly cute. I don’t know that she’ll be able to repeat this performance exactly like this when we do it again. Then we do that thing they do in the Shake Shack. Then both hands on the front of the hips and small steps forward. And we end with her legs wrapped around my waist.
‘Oo Oo Oo you’re the one that I need,’ both of us sing.
‘You were brilliant,’ I tell her. And I really mean it. My daughter is a born star.
‘Shall we do it again?’
‘What about the pancakes?’
‘Smile both of you,’ Lily says from the doorway. She is holding her video camera in her hand.
‘Mummy, you recorded us!’
‘I did.’
‘Let me see. Let me see.’
Lily comes forward and the three of us watch the performance. I’m not bad, but Liliana is amazing.
I put Liliana on the countertop and she immediately reaches for the camera.
‘You’ve left your big old fingerprints on the screen, Missie. Pass me a tissue, please, Jake,’ Lily asks.
I reach for it and my daughter c
lears her throat noisily.
I turn to look at her and she raises her eyebrows in the most adorable way.
I turn to Lily. ‘No.’
My daughter nods with approval and Lily looks at me with surprise. ‘Darling, it’s right next to you.’
‘No. Get it yourself.’
My daughter grins, my wife sighs elaborately. ‘What are both of you up to now?’
‘Nothing,’ Liliana says innocently.
‘Fine, I’ll get it myself.’
‘Don’t worry Mummy. ‘I’ll get the tissue for you,’ Liliana says.
Oh, the little rat!
Completely avoiding my eyes, she gives her mother the tissue.
‘Go wake your brothers up, and we’ll feed the birds together,’ Lily says.
‘Okay,’ Liliana agrees happily and runs away.
‘So what was that all about?’ Lily asks, her eyebrows arched.
‘Well, our daughter noticed that I never say no to you and I kinda said I’d say no to the next thing you asked.’
She gasps. ‘That cheeky, troublemaking little monkey.’
‘I’d go with rat.’
‘I don’t know why she’s like that. It not from my side of the family. I was a goody two shoes.’
I put my hands up. ‘Don’t look at me. I was an angel.’
A mischievous look comes into her eyes. ‘What if the first thing I asked you had been, “Jake, will you fuck me?”’
‘Then Liliana will have to resign herself to a father who doesn’t keep his word, or find herself a different father.’
She shakes her head. ‘I can’t believe that girl.’
I put my arms around her waist and lift her up onto the counter. ‘And I can’t believe how fabulously sexy you looked last night.’
‘Um … I think you showed me last night.’
I grab her ass and my cock swells. ‘God, I want to show you again, right now.’
She looks up at me. ‘The kids will be down soon, and anyway, don’t you have to get to work soon?’
‘Yeah, I do, but don’t forget you’re down for a long session tonight. I’m packing the kids off to Shane. They’re staying there overnight.’
She grins. ‘A whole night? You’re sure you’re up to it?’
‘That there, young lady. That just earned you a spanking.’
‘Let’s do that thing we never do when the kids are around,’ she whispers.
I become hard as a rock.
Of course, at that moment our children come running into the room. Deliciously small and chubby and full of energy. Morning greetings and sloppy kisses are given and received.
‘What about the pancakes, Daddy?’
‘Nah, it’s too late for those. We’ll do them tomorrow.’
Then I kiss Lily goodbye and stand at the window drinking my coffee and watching them go out into the large field behind the house, each one carrying a little bucket of birdfeed, bread crumbs and crushed dog biscuits.
They are my life.
Liliana runs out ahead with the boys running behind her and Lily lagging behind. I watch them throw the food on to the large feeding platform. There are already a few birds waiting, but suddenly a whole crowd of crows descends on them. There must be at least fifty. It is a magnificent sight.
After they have fed the birds they will go to see the horses, so I go upstairs and get into the shower. When I come out Lily and the kids are still not back, but staff have started arriving. I dress quickly and leave the house.
The roads are fairly clear and I get into work pretty quickly. I pick up a paper at reception, get into the lift, and hit the button for my floor. When the doors open I stroll into to my secretary, Eliza’s, office. She looks at me strangely.
‘Your brother is here.’
‘Dom or Shane?’
She widens her eyes. ‘Neither?’
I stare at her. ‘What?’
‘He says he’s your brother.’
I look at her with a bemused expression. Is she serious?
‘His name is Tyson Eden.’
‘Where is he now?’
‘In your office.’
‘You let him go into my office? A complete stranger?’
She nods, a funny expression on her face. ‘Yeah.’
What the fuck is going on? I stride to my door, open it and come to a dead stop. No wonder Eliza let him decide where he should wait. The cocky bastard is sitting in my chair with his ankles crossed and up on my table. He is wearing a string vest and his chest and arms are tattooed. His face … it’s like looking into the fucking mirror.
Dad, you old dog, you!
Coming to a kindle near you soon … Tyson Eden
Coming next… Jack Irish
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You Don't Know Me: A Bad Boy Mafia Romance Page 47