by LAURA GALE
Rachel winced at the remark, but said nothing.
“I discovered that there are always women willing and interested in being seen in the right places. Once the word is out that a guy’s looking for that, it’s easy to find dates. A woman wants publicity, she wants to be seen. I can provide that easily enough. I need a woman in the picture. We both get what we want, what we need.”
“Of course.”
Lucas mulled over these comments. He was being honest. He could see how it had been. How empty and superficial his world had become. That he had been so disillusioned and unhappy when Rachel had walked back into his life wasn’t really surprising. Yet he was no more confident about communicating this to Rachel now than he had been five years ago.
Anger began vying with pain, prompting another round of mortifying tears that Rachel really did not want to shed. She took a deep breath, running her hands through her hair. “Lucas, please try to understand. You and I are different in some important ways. You are the only man who…fits me. You, however, are not so particular. The equation is more flexible for you. For you, all cats are gray in the dark. That is not so for me. And I can’t be one of many gray cats.”
Thinking he perhaps understood what Rachel was getting at, Lucas offered, “Rachel, I’ve dated many women. Being still married to you, I probably shouldn’t have. But I do not, I do not, go to bed with them just because we’ve been on a date.”
Rachel thought it might be foolish to believe this, just because it was what she wanted to hear. But it was a nice thought.
“Really. I told you they’re arm candy. It’s the truth. I haven’t been having relationships. Or one-night stands, either, for that matter.” He thought for a minute. “I don’t actually know when I was last with a woman, now that I think about it, other than with you. Recently.”
Lucas’s admission didn’t exactly warm her heart, but she tried to take it in a positive spirit. Taking a deep breath, she continued. “So then, you weren’t…seeing someone when…we started seeing each other.” It was almost a question.
“No.”
“You’re sure?”
“Definitely.” He’d been on his own for a long while, that was for sure.
Rachel stood up, reclaiming her spray bottle and cleaning cloth.
“Rachel.” Lucas remained seated on the floor, unwilling to do anything that might make Rachel feel pursued. “Were you seeing anyone, Rachel?”
She shook her head, croaking a laugh at the absurdity of the question. “I’ve already said I couldn’t.”
“But did you try? I mean, it’s been five years.”
“Lucas,” she said coldly, “as you might recall, in the past five years I’ve been raising my daughter, my daughter who has recently been ill. Generally speaking, men, and dating men in particular, have not been at the top of my priority list.”
Momentarily Lucas felt contrite. It was true that the two of them had spent the past five years in very different activities. It was, however, critically important to Lucas to know. He started thinking. “Let’s see. You’ve been at the hospital for that reason, but you worked there before that. So, if you were involved with anyone, it stands to reason it could have been someone from the hospital.” He was pushing, and he knew it.
Rachel compressed her lips, saying nothing.
“Paul,” he stated definitively.
“Paul?” she repeated dumbly. “Paul Graham?”
“Why not Paul Graham?” Lucas asked. “He’s an attractive man, I would think. He’s been a fixture in your life. It’s obvious the two of you are close.”
“Dios mio, Lucas, he is like a father to me!” Rachel’s shock was genuine. “I would no more date Paul Graham than you would!”
Lucas believed her. But it wasn’t an adequate answer. He had to know. “Did you try, Rachel?”
“Is that any of your business?” Her voice was soft.
“Well—” he realized he might be pushing a little too hard “—we’re still married and…we probably need to work on the ‘no secrets’ thing.”
“Okay, fine. Lucas, I can tell you I tried—and failed—at two relationships. These were men I spent a lot of time with—I wouldn’t say we dated. One was a visiting doctor from Mexico. He was nearly as lonely as I was. The other was Diego. He is truly too much a brother to me for that to ever work, but he was there for me when I needed someone. That’s it. Two good friendships that did not involve sex. Nothing as colorful or diverse as your pastimes, but there you have it.” The bitterness was in her voice again.
Briefly Lucas reflected that perhaps this wasn’t such a good topic of conversation after all. The thought of Rachel with another man—even though she hadn’t actually “been” with either of them—made him feel physically sick. Thinking of Diego in that capacity was even worse than considering her with some unknown, faceless doctor from Mexico. Diego would have been able to take over his family, to raise his daughter, if things had gone in that direction.
And she’s been forced to watch your parade of babes for years. Lucas began to understand Rachel’s pain, the pain he had caused, at a level he had never before comprehended.
“Having said that, maybe now is the time to point out—” she paused, wondering if this had occurred to Lucas at all “—that we haven’t exactly been taking precautions. I haven’t been with anyone else, so I’m not a risk.”
Strangely, knowing Rachel thought he could be a health risk hurt. “I understand about precautions,” he said somewhat defensively.
Rachel watched as another thought—an obvious thought—entered his head, revealing itself to her only because she could still read his face. They hadn’t exactly been preventing a baby, either.
For Lucas the thought of Rachel facing another unplanned pregnancy, this time with him in the picture, did peculiar things to his heart.
“You would know it was your child this time?”
“Yes.” He understood why she needed to ask.
She grabbed up the spray bottle again, heading toward the refrigerator, spraying it and wiping it until it squeaked.
“I guess I’ve been so focused on trying to do better,” Lucas began, “which I still think is the main thing,” he interjected quickly, “but it’s meant that I haven’t thought much about resolving what went unresolved five years ago.”
She nodded. She’d been avoiding the same thing. “It was betrayal, Lucas. I’ve never admitted how that made me feel before. I don’t know how that gets…fixed.”
Her soft statement, and the mix of resignation and pain that colored it, caused Lucas to stand again. He didn’t know how to fix it, either. He couldn’t make it go away. He couldn’t change anything he’d done. He couldn’t really make Rachel feel better. This had to come from within her.
“You know me well enough to know that I can’t have sex without being involved emotionally. It appears to be one way that we are different.” She shrugged her shoulders, trying to shrug off the hurt this knowledge brought her. “So, I bond emotionally, not just physically. It touches my heart. And that means that something inside me that has been dead and buried for five years has been ripped out of its hiding place.” She shrugged again. “Like I said, I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to handle it.”
She walked away from him, heading toward the sliding glass door. She began spraying copious amounts of Lysol, began to herd the liquid into her cleaning rag. She was really only creating streaks at this point, but she needed something to do.
Eventually, unable to pretend that her cloth could absorb any more liquid, she returned to the counter. She knew, too, that the room really couldn’t accommodate any more cleaning fumes. She certainly couldn’t pretend that anything else needed further sanitizing.
She started to pace, then stopped in front of the refrigerator. Leaning her back against the fridge, she discovered that it was still vaguely damp.
Lucas watched her, alarmed and worried by these admissions. He had so believed that they were he
ading in the right direction. He, also, was at a loss to know what steps to take.
And then it hit him. He finally understood what they were really talking about. What was missing.
“I love you, Rachel.”
For all that Lucas expected Rachel to follow her feelings, to admit them, he’d never given her a reason to do it. He’d never offered what he now realized she needed. After all, the relationship worked in two directions, or it didn’t work.
Rachel closed her eyes and again crumpled toward the floor, resuming her previous position of protection.
This time Lucas was immediately on the floor beside her, scooping her toward him, holding her, rocking her, soothing her. This time he knew how close to making another mistake he had been.
“Rachel—” he tipped her face so that he could see her eyes “—I do love you. So much.”
“I love you, too, Lucas.”
Renewed tears were coursing down her cheeks, tears brightened his eyes, too.
“I was trying so hard not to.” She tried to smile.
“Maybe that was my problem, too. I just knew how much I wanted you.” Lucas kissed her, over and over, raining delicate little touches along her face and throat, reverently, hungrily.
“Rachel, one of my many mistakes was that I didn’t understand that loving you is what makes making love to you so special. Sex gives me a way to show what I feel. I’m not so good with the words, as you know.”
Rachel knew she was his focus right now. For now, and one day at a time, she had to remember that.
He stroked her magnificent, presently wild, hair back from her face. “You’ve been the missing piece all this time, Rachel. That you weren’t in my life was the reason nothing felt right.”
He gazed at her, taking in her flushed face, wishing he could help relieve the angry swelling from eyes that had been crying too much. “I love you, Rachel. Really.” He kissed her forehead, tasting a sweetness that had everything to do with love.
Rachel decided to take another quick shower, a cool one this time that might improve the swollen state of her eyes. She was glowing, she knew. And yet, she still held back, just that little bit. How long would it be like that?
She stepped out of the bathroom toweling her hair dry. Lucas was sitting on the bed, watching her. He adored her body, as much as he ever had.
“You know, I’m not sure you really need clothes yet.”
A smile played at the corners of Rachel’s mouth. “Really? Why do you say that?”
“Because you’re quite lovely without them. And if you would leave them off, it saves me the trouble of removing them.”
“Are you thinking of removing them?”
Rachel watched deliberately as Lucas slid off the bed, making his way toward her. “I’m thinking it’s much better if you just don’t dress yet. While I, on the other hand, am very over-dressed.”
His hands gently cupped her breasts then, his thumbs whisking against her nipples in an uninterrupted rhythm. His mouth took hers, ending the need for further discussion.
Her hands busied themselves with his clothing, unzipping, letting unneeded items fall to the floor. Her arms crept around his neck, her fingers weaving into his hair.
“Oh!” she gasped as her body brushed against his. He was ready for her, but she knew he wouldn’t mind being stroked. He wouldn’t mind it at all.
Sometime later they lay together, their naked bodies still entwined, his fingers stroking the chocolate silkiness of her hair. He’d decided to at least try to express some of his feelings.
“Rachel, I want you to know…well, first of all, I’m sorry for how my parents were. I knew, but at the same time, I didn’t know, what they were doing to you. That’s the first thing.” He stopped, smiling quickly at her, hurrying on. “Secondly, looking back, I think I really didn’t realize that marriage takes some effort. You know, you don’t just say the vows and that’s the end of it. I really think I expected that marriage just was, that you really didn’t have to do anything to keep it that way.”
He stroked her hair, adoring its feel, just as he always had. “I married you because I loved you. It was the one and only time I ever defied my parents. Once we were married, it was like I spent the rest of my time trying to make it up to them. It’s obvious, now, that that would mess up a marriage, put tremendous strain on it. That I needed to realize where my loyalties belonged, as a husband. I didn’t see it then.”
He reached over toward the nightstand, easily locating the hairbrush she had always kept there. He did love to brush her hair.
“I also need to tell you…about Las Vegas.”
He felt rather than heard her indrawn breath. “Will it do any good to discuss it?” She felt so raw, having finally let the dam burst. She was new at this, just as he was.
“Well, some of it anyway. I was mad, damn mad when I left Phoenix that day. I knew things weren’t right with us, which is why I asked you to come with me. Not that I knew that consciously. I thought you had a hell of a nerve to turn me down. Of course, now I know you really did have reasons.”
He concentrated on brushing a section of her hair, watching in fascination as goose bumps formed across her shoulders as he did so. “But Alana was…really supportive, I guess, of my anger. Sort of fanned the flames. But it wasn’t her fault, it was mine. I really never saw what was happening with her, not until I suddenly found myself…in bed with her.”
Rachel’s head dropped forward, causing her hair to cascade around her, shielding her face from view.
“Rachel, nothing happened with her then. Well, okay, we were…entangled, but I did stop. I suddenly realized what I was doing and that it felt completely wrong. I wish I’d latched on to that feeling,” he acknowledged. “Anyway, I spent the rest of the night wandering Las Vegas, psyched up to be daring, but not really willing to follow through. I don’t know what was wrong with me, especially when I got home.”
Lucas set the brush on the bed and eased Rachel’s hair away from her face, tipping her chin so she would meet his eyes. “I should have told you the truth then. I should have said I was sorry. I didn’t. But I’m saying it now.”
Tears glistened on the tips of her eyelashes. She nodded at him.
“I didn’t see the position I put you in where Alana was concerned. I didn’t see the direction things were headed in, how things looked to other people. I just never saw it. I should have.”
She blinked, tried to meet his eyes.
“I probably could have told you things better than I did, Lucas. I thought I tried. I mean, I wasn’t silent about any of it. But I never seemed to say the magic thing that would make you take me seriously.”
“I wasn’t ready to hear it, Rachel. I had some growing up to do, I guess.”
She smiled, leaning toward his mouth, kissing him tenderly.
“I should have told you about Michaela. Sooner, I mean. No matter what, it wasn’t right that you didn’t know she’d been born.”
“Thanks for that, Rachel. Honestly, I’m not sure how I would have reacted to the news before now. It would have depended, I suppose, on when you told me. But I’m very glad I know now.”
Rachel bit her lip, thinking. “I just wasn’t equipped, at that age, to cope as well as I might have.”
“Neither was I.”
They both smiled then. They had hit solid common ground.
“So,” Lucas suggested, “maybe we weren’t too young to be in love or to be married, but we were too young to know how to take care of the marriage.”
They dressed and went downstairs, deciding to finish the pot of coffee Rachel had prepared before. Rachel was nervous. She had to do this right. She had to be honest. There could not be misunderstandings.
And it was still so new to her that expressing it was difficult. She faced him.
“I’m still scared, Lucas. You rejected me before. You hurt me in a way that only you could. It’s not easy to open myself up to that possibility again. It’s like I’m putting a wea
pon in your hands and trusting you not to use it against me. That’s not easy.” She shook her head. She was scared inside, no doubt about it.
“This is so hard, Lucas. At one time I would have given anything, absolutely anything, for you to act this way. But it didn’t happen. And I quit thinking about it, quit hoping for things to get better. I had to find peace somehow, so I did. Dios mio, Lucas, I just got my daughter back. Can you understand how that feels for me? I’m thrilled, but I’m also scared. And now you’re back in my life, in Michaela’s life, saying you love me. I’ve heard that before from you.”
“Rachel, what else do you need to hear?”
“It’s not a question of needing to hear anything. I need to live it, Lucas. I need to learn to believe in it. I’ve never been a mother and a wife before. I’ve only been one or the other. I have to learn to be that person. To believe in being that person.”
Fear rumbled inside Lucas—he wanted to fix this. Now.
“I guess,” he said slowly, choosing his words with care, “I thought, over the last few weeks, that we were getting to know each other again. To like each other again. To love each other again. Was I wrong?”
Rachel smiled. “Not wrong at all. But,” she cautioned, “I still hurt inside. It’s been six years since my marriage started to unravel, but the hurt is still there. I’ve had so much anxiety with Michaela. I have to learn to trust again.” She shrugged. “Trusting is a huge risk for me.”
“A good friend recently pointed out to me that sometimes a risk is necessary in order to achieve things.”
“You know, Lucas,” she said, standing up, her coffee cup only half-empty. She had that faraway look in her eyes again. “That’s exactly why I’m trying. A good friend recently said the same thing to me.”
Lucas sipped from his cup, pleased with her answer. “Rachel, I swear things have changed. You already know I’m job hunting. You already know I won’t be socializing with my father anymore. You know I love my little girl and want to be in her life. You know I’m your friend. And I have learned a lot about how to treat a wife.”