The soft beep of the coffeemaker distracted him and she was glad. There was no sense in dragging out the inevitable. She’d known this time would come, though she had no idea that when it did she’d feel as if someone were tearing out her heart with the dull edge of a butter knife.
He returned with two cups of steaming coffee, one of which she accepted with genuine gratitude. The first tentative sip sent heat and blessed energy spiraling into her veins. It didn’t erase the pain but it gave her the strength to do what was needed. A horn, which sounded more like a whoopee cushion being sat on, was followed by a loud backfire outside and Erin nearly dropped her cup. “I guess that’s my ride.”
Colin stood grim-faced as Erin shouldered her purse and prepared for an awkward goodbye. She avoided his eyes, knowing that if she caught the depth of his feelings, it would take very little to override her good sense and fall back into his arms. “Thank you for everything,” she said, tentatively offering her hand.
His gaze narrowed but he took it just the same. The familiar feel of his strong hand enveloping hers awoke heated memories and desire weakened her knees. As she tried to snatch her hand away, Colin pulled her to him. Tears sprang to her eyes and she tried to shake her head, to communicate how if they kissed she’d lose herself but her mouth wouldn’t form the words. Instead, she felt herself, pressed against him with the warmth of his mouth nuzzling her neck, inhaling his unique scent as if committing it to memory.
“Colin,” she cried softly against his mouth as a single tear slid down her face. How was she to survive leaving him when she’d already lost so much? The pain came back in a wave, slapping her hard enough to make her gasp for air. Pushing away, she moved quickly to the door, snapping her fingers for Butterscotch to follow.
“Erin!”
The anguished sound of her name stilled her hand on the doorknob but she refused to look at him.
“Please don’t go.”
She knew in her heart Colin wasn’t the kind of man to beg and it bowed her that she had caused this strong man to bend so unnaturally.
“Erin. I love you,” he said, his voice breaking. The very sound dragging on her heart and pulling her gaze despite her attempts to fight it.
Ignoring the keening of her soul and the strong desire to run to him, Erin purposefully hardened her voice to deliver what she knew would be a crushing blow. “Don’t. I’ve got nothing for you. I can’t stay here. Even if it weren’t for the memories of the past tripping me up, there’d be these wonderful new ones of a homicidal nut job holding me at gun point to deal with. I’m sorry.”
She turned but not quickly enough. She jerked the door open and ran to the vehicle that was idling in the driveway but she knew no matter how fast she ran, she’d never escape Colin’s crestfallen expression. Not even if she lived to be a hundred.
AS THE PLANE TAXIED DOWN the runway, Erin kept her mind carefully blank.
Things will settle down once I get back into a routine, she promised herself, yet a golf-ball-sized lump made her words feel hollow.
She worried about Butterscotch, riding in the cargo bay with the rest of the animals, and hoped the poor girl didn’t suffer a heart attack from the ordeal.
Harvey already had another assignment waiting for her, which suited her just fine. Work kept her mind from straying into territory that was off-limits or giving in to the urge to hide in a darkened corner and weep for days.
There had only been time to make a few calls to a local service to close up Caroline’s house before she had to get to the airport. The need to get the hell out of Dodge had been her driving force, but in hindsight she hoped the mother-daughter team was trustworthy. All she’d asked them to do was box everything up and haul it to the attic.
The cold, analytical side of her said the smart thing to do would be to give it all to Goodwill, but despite her intentions to do just that, at the last second she changed her mind. She could always have it done at a later date if it came down to it and she hadn’t wanted to deal with the emotional repercussions.
Closing herself off to the feelings threatening to swamp her, she purposefully shut her eyes and drifted into a black, dreamless sleep.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
ERIN WAS GONE. Cursing himself for being ten times the fool for falling for a woman who had been up front from the beginning that she had no intentions of staying, he tried pushing the memories of their short time together as far away from his conscious mind as possible.
Now two weeks later, he realized that he couldn’t keep Danni in the dark any longer. He didn’t want their secrets to destroy his daughter as they had Erin’s family.
Going into his office, he pulled a box from his safe that contained the mementos of his life with Danielle before she became sick, and called Danni into the living room.
“What?” Danni’s tone was impatient. He gestured for her to take a seat and her gaze zeroed in on the box. “What’s that?”
“This,” he said, removing the lid and pulling out a framed wedding photo, “is your mother as I like to remember her.”
Danni’s expression changed from wary to one of wonder as she took the simply framed photo from his hand. Although Colin had kept a few pictures of Danielle around for Danni, this was one she’d never seen. Danni traced her finger down Danielle’s shining yellow hair, caught forever on film, and looked at him with sad tears in her eyes. “She was so pretty… Do you think I look like her?”
Colin’s voice caught in his throat. “Almost right down to the stubborn tilt of her jaw whenever she thought I was being an ass.”
Danni smiled shyly and returned her gaze to the photo. “Can I have this?”
He nodded. “Of course, you can. I’d always meant to give it to you but…”
As if remembering she was still angry with him, her expression darkened and she clutched the photo to her thin chest. “But what? You were too busy making up lies to tell me about her?”
He chose to ignore her dig but when she jumped to her feet to leave, he gently pulled her back down. “I’m not finished,” he said, his tone firm. Once he was certain she understood he was serious, he continued, “I was wrong to lie to you about your mother. I suppose it doesn’t matter but my intentions were good. In the end, it caused more hurt than it prevented. You’re old enough now to hear the truth.”
Danni’s expression lost some of its glare and suddenly she looked a lot younger than her thirteen years. “I’m listening,” she said in a small voice that was surely meant to sound more mature than it came out.
“Danielle was sick.” Colin reached into the box to pull assorted medical records from a manila envelope. “Bipolar with psychotic tendencies. I know you don’t understand what that means but if you ever want to know more about your mother’s illness, here are the records. You’re welcome to read them.”
Danni eyed the stack of paperwork and seemed overwhelmed by it. “I don’t understand. Is it like a cancer?”
His daughter’s innocence made his heart contract painfully with the memory of Danielle’s illness. “No,” he answered, his mouth drawn as if he were sucking on something bitter. “It’s worse. Sometimes cancer can be cured. Being bipolar is a life sentence for most people. For those who recognize that they truly have a disease, it means a lifetime of medication and therapy to help ease the symptoms. But for those who don’t believe they have a problem, it eventually destroys their lives. That’s what happened to your mom.”
“Is that why I never got to see her?”
Colin drew a deep breath, dreading this moment. He held his daughter’s questioning gaze and hoped what he was about to say didn’t scar her for life. “Throughout her sickness, your mother loved you very much but sometimes she didn’t realize what she was doing could hurt you.” Drawing on inner strength he didn’t know existed until this moment, he went on. “One day I came home to find her trying to smother you with a pillow.”
Shocked tears sprang to Danni’s eyes and she shook her head. “My mom…tried to
kill me?”
“Honey, she didn’t know what she was doing. She’d stopped taking her medication and she was hallucinating. Once she realized what she’d done she was sick with remorse and made a solemn promise to stay on her meds, but she couldn’t stick to it and I knew you’d never truly be safe. It broke my heart but I had to do what was necessary to protect you.” He smoothed her hair and swallowed hard. “When Danielle gave herself a lethal dose of morphine I think it was because she didn’t have the strength to keep fighting—and in the end, perhaps she didn’t want you to see her that way.”
They sat in silence and Colin rocked her like he used to when she was small. The ache in his heart at their rift slowly started to diminish as he realized coming clean was its own type of therapy for them both.
“Dad?” she asked, pulling away to meet his gaze. “What was she like before she got…sick?”
A genuinely warm smile formed on his lips as he looked down at Danni. “She was beautiful inside and out. Just like you.”
She risked a tentative smile and Colin knew they were going to be all right. Even though it hurt just to think of her, Colin silently thanked Erin for her part in bringing his daughter back to him.
ERIN HANDED HARVEY THE FINISHED proofs that she’d e-mailed prior but, unlike before when she would’ve waited anxiously for his approval, she walked away before he’d even opened the folder, Butterscotch trailing at her feet.
“McNulty,” he barked, causing her to pause in the doorway. When she turned and gave him her attention, he gestured to the proofs. “Don’t you want to hear what I think of these? What if I don’t think they’re up to standard? And what’s that dog doing here again!”
At his ludicrous and ultimately insulting questions, Erin almost laughed out loud and a moment of perfect clarity made her realize what her future with American Photographic would be if she took the position he had grudgingly offered upon her return. She graced him with a smile that had nothing in common with laughter and said, “Mr. Wallace, I don’t give a damn what you think anymore. The pictures are good and you know it. If they’re not up to your ‘standard’ then find someone else to provide you with ones that are. And the dog goes where I go. Get used to it.” As if to illustrate that point, she reached down and gave Butterscotch an affectionate rub behind the ears.
Erin was vaguely aware that motion and chatter had ceased in the newsroom and she turned to see everyone staring and waiting fearfully for the explosion that would surely follow, but she didn’t care. If she were honest with herself, there wasn’t much she truly cared about these days. Not even the fervor in which she threw herself into her work managed to blot out the pain that seemed to linger like a malignancy in her system.
At this point, Harvey Wallace could kiss her ass. Judging by Harvey’s shocked expression, that exact sentiment was written all over her face. Sensing for once Harvey had nothing to say, she turned on her heel and disappeared into her office.
Logging on to her computer, she purposefully avoided the file marked Hometown America, and tried focusing on her newest assignment—a Vanity Fair-type spread on an upcoming action hero—but it really couldn’t hold her interest for long. Butterscotch whined at her feet and Erin sighed. “You’re right. I’m tired of this place, too. Want to go home?”
Butterscotch licked her chops, rose as quickly as her stiff hip would allow and padded to the door expectantly. Erin chuckled. “Sometimes I think you’re the smartest dog I’ve ever met. All right. You win. Home it is.”
Except, she noted silently, her apartment no longer felt like home. “Details,” she grumbled to the voice in her head only to feel completely stupid for talking to herself again. Eventually, the ache carving a hole in her chest would fade and she’d return to the life she left behind.
Right. And Butterscotch will start spouting proprietary information about baked beans, too.
Shouldering her camera bag, coat and gloves, she clicked Butterscotch’s leash in place and headed for her apartment.
Later that night, a forgotten glass of wine in her hand as she stared out her window to the lit-up sky of her adopted city, she wondered what Colin was doing and how Danni was faring with the small camera she’d left behind for her. It was an innocent musing but the moment she pictured their faces a well of sadness threatened to drown her. Grimacing, she drained the glass and deliberately turned out the light, forgoing brushing her teeth or washing her face in the hopes sleep would come quickly. Although she knew even as she tossed, her dreams would provide no relief as Colin was there, too. Except in her dreams, when he asked her to stay…she did.
TWO WEEKS LATER, COLIN WAS called into Roger’s office. He knew what the chief wanted to talk about and it didn’t make his step any lighter.
“Go ahead and close the door, would you?”
Colin nodded, doing as he was asked, then took the chair opposite the chief. They sat evaluating each other until the chief broke the silence.
“I know what you’re thinking. I helped kill a man and there’s no statute of limitations on murder.” When Colin didn’t contradict him, he added, “I live with that every single moment of my life. I know you have to do what you feel is best. But I wanted you to be the first to know I’ve decided to retire.”
Colin was shocked by the chief’s announcement but he nodded in understanding.
“Here’s another thing I’d like to present to you, perhaps something you haven’t thought of.” At Colin’s puzzled expression, Roger leaned back in his chair, his face solemn. “As you’ve already found out, the trail is cold on Hank Walker’s case. The records are gone and the only witnesses to it are dead and in a coma. Opening up this case would drag a good woman’s name through the mud, ruin my career and send a man who’s struggling to make a new life straight back to the bottle once the whispers and rumors start all over. I’m not saying what we did was right, but you’re wrong if you think any one of us got off scot-free. We lost our innocence…and we lost Rose. It might be presumptuous of me to believe this, but we paid our dues to Hank Walker.”
Colin’s first impulse was to counter the chief’s explanation with a stubborn adherence to the law. It was up to the courts to decide the measure of a man’s guilt and penance, but as he thought of the destruction that had already touched the McNulty family and the knowledge that reopening the case would only cause further pain and suffering to everyone involved—including Erin—he couldn’t bring himself to say the words.
“So you plan to retire, then?” he said, eyeing the chief.
Roger sighed. “Yeah, my health isn’t what it used to be and truth be told, I’m tired. Vera’s been after me to retire for some time but let’s just say recent events have convinced me that it’s best to enjoy the time we have left on this planet with our loved ones.”
Caroline’s face popped into his mind and Colin felt a wave of sorrow wash over him. He knew without having to be told Erin was suffering from an acute case of regret. If he hadn’t been mired in his own pain at the realization he was losing her, he might’ve seen past the façade to the turmoil hidden inside. He had her cell phone number but each time he picked up the phone to call, his fingers refused to dial the number. The sound of the chief’s voice jerked him to the present, forcing him to push thoughts of Erin away so he could function.
“No matter what your decision, I’ve decided to recommend you as my replacement.”
Colin was unsure he’d heard the chief correctly. “Replacement…as chief?” Roger nodded and Colin’s vision began to swim. “I’m hardly qualified—”
“Let me be the judge of that,” he said gruffly. “Colin, to tell you the truth, before any of this happened, I was eyeing you as my replacement. You’re a man of solid character, a good cop and an excellent role model for this department. As far as the other stuff…well, therein lies the advantage of small town politics. Leave that to me. Basically, if you want it, the job is yours.”
Colin could only stare but Roger seemed to understand and didn’t
hold his silence against him. “I’ll give you a few days to think about it,” he said.
Chief of police. His heart rate accelerated. Becoming the chief had always been his ambition someday. “Chief… I don’t know what to say….”
“Say you’ll do it. Granite Hills would be lucky to have you at the helm.” A playfully wry smile lifted the corners of the chief’s mouth as he added, “And I’m not just saying that because I’m trying to stay out of prison.”
He chuckled softly in spite of the topic, still overwhelmed. “When do you need an answer?”
“As soon as possible…on both accounts.”
Colin left the office, his head crammed with possibilities. He couldn’t help but wish Erin were there to help him with the decision. When was he going to get over her? The pain of her leaving seemed to get worse, not better, as each day passed and he wondered if she ever thought of him the way his mind seemed to never let her go.
DANNI HEARD HER DAD COME in and go through the motions of unloading his gun from the holster and securing it in the locked safe in his office. She was doing homework, or at least trying to focus on the reading materials assigned, but her mind kept wandering. Her gaze strayed to the camera Erin had left for her and her forehead furrowed. She wished Erin had stayed. She wasn’t like most grown-ups, who ignored kids or treated them like they had nothing interesting to say. Although she wouldn’t admit it at the time, she had sort of hoped Erin might like her dad. Now, in hindsight, she realized with a proverbial smack to the head her dad might actually be in love with Erin.
She’d been too busy to notice the signs before but now, as she searched her memory, she realized what had been staring her in the face the whole time.
She dropped her pencil into her book to mark her place and padded over to her camera. Her enthusiasm had been slightly dampened by the realization that Erin wouldn’t be around to teach her to use it properly, but she loved snapping pictures of whatever caught her eye, waiting for the right moment, as Erin had taught her.
The Truth About Family Page 20