by Fiona Palmer
‘You know that’s not possible. In a while, he might be able to come back. If you truly love him, then it will work.’
Maggie smiled through her tears. No one had a softer heart than her Charlie. She wiped her eyes and gripped his arms. ‘Could you help me, Charlie? I want some time alone to say goodbye.’
He nodded. ‘Clean yourself up. Mother is already asking where you went.’ Maggie sat up, brushed the straw from her clothes, and wiped her face on the bottom of her skirts. ‘Now, we have five minutes to think up a plan before you need to show yourself.’
Together they sat in silence for the few minutes they had left to compose themselves, Contractor straining his head over the rail to join them. Maggie gave him a pat and almost laughed at his intuition.
‘I’ve got it!’ said Charlie eventually. ‘We have church on Sunday. Just fake being sick and you can stay home. I’m meeting up with Valerie, so I’ll get Mother and Father to visit with her family after church,’ he said with a smile.
Charlie had been smitten with Val for the last year. Each holiday she came to stay at her uncle’s farm and Charlie always found a reason to visit. Maggie liked Val; she was a pretty city girl but was sweet and a perfect match for Charlie.
‘Are you going to propose?’ she asked hopefully. ‘I know she cares for you.’
He gave her a sly smile. ‘I have been planning on it. Do you think she’d have me?’
‘Yes, of course, Charlie.’
He let out his breath. He was nervous. Maybe he really was going to propose.
‘Great. Well, that’s settled, then. Sunday you can say your goodbye.’
Hearing him say it lifted a weight off her chest – at least now she knew she would have some special time alone with Rocco – but this relief was soon replaced with an anxious energy. She stood up. ‘I’d better go find Mother.’
‘And I need to help Father put up the fence.’
They crawled out of the hay and brushed each other off, then embraced.
‘It will be okay, Maggie. I’m still here.’
‘Thanks, Charlie.’ She went over and kissed Contractor’s nose. ‘You too, boy.’
‘Hey, he did nothing,’ said Charlie as he followed her out.
‘He didn’t need to,’ said Maggie with a laugh and darted off towards the cottage, leaving Charlie to wander back to the house alone.
That night Maggie saw Rocco again. He was sitting across from her at the table, seemingly paying attention to what her father was talking about but beneath the surface his legs were entwined with Maggie’s. They hadn’t been able to discuss his impending departure, just a quick ‘hello’ before dinner. She was bursting at the seams wanting to tell him about Sunday but it would have to wait. Hopefully tomorrow she’d be able to find some unsupervised time. But for now, being able to see and touch him was enough. When Mother got up to fetch the sauce Rocco’s eyes stayed watching her, sending her unspoken messages from his heart. His dark eyes were heavy with longing and she knew exactly how he felt.
31
FINALLY landing back on home soil and walking into the familiar airport Toni and Flick both sighed with relief. Nothing beat coming home.
‘Now this is a good feeling,’ said Toni.
‘Even better when we get back to Sunnyvale,’ said Flick.
They navigated their way out of the airport to their car. Outside, the West Australian air smelt good. She sucked in breaths; everything felt familiar. The sun on her skin had that typical bite and the sky felt like home.
‘Well, we know how to get to Quairading,’ said Flick as she drove them out of the city.
They’d eaten on the plane and didn’t feel like stopping again. Rocco was calling to them, and neither wanted to wait.
‘We’ve been through it before. Wouldn’t it be funny if we’ve actually driven past his farm, Mum?’
‘Yes, that would be quite strange.’ Toni turned to Flick. ‘It’s all been rather strange, hasn’t it? Florence views, Umbria walks, coins in the Trevi, kisses at the Spanish Steps.’ Toni sighed. Already it was starting to feel like a dream.
Flick giggled. ‘I know. It all seems so surreal. But we did all that. It was so amazing. I’m glad we’re nearly home but I wish we could have explored more.’ She pursed her lips. ‘I think I’ve been bitten by the travel bug.’
It was Toni’s turn to laugh.
‘Now we have the next step in our journey. Rocco is a mere two hours away. How do you feel, Mum?’
Toni sank back into her seat and watched the trees flash past as they headed through the hills of Perth and into the country. Flick’s question hung in the air while Toni tried to formulate a reply. Did she tell her daughter the truth – that she was a crazy mixture of nerves and dread, fear and excitement, longing and panic? One minute she wanted Flick to drive faster to reach Rocco sooner, and the next moment she was eyeing the door handle as if it were an eject button that would fling her from this situation.
‘Mum?’
Toni drew a deep breath and let it slide out between her teeth. ‘I honestly don’t know, Felicity. I’m feeling every emotion at the moment. It’s easier not to think about it.’
‘Okay. Maybe a distraction will help.’ Flick turned up the radio.
The music didn’t help but when the talkback came on, Toni found it easier to focus on their conversations and give her mind a rest.
Soon the trees gave way to the dry hills of York, and they drove further on until wide paddocks full of ripening crops made them feel closer to home. Nearly two hours after leaving Perth they arrived in Quairading and stopped at the BP roadhouse, where they hoped to find someone who’d know pretty much everyone in town.
‘Um, excuse me,’ said Toni to the young girl behind the counter. ‘I’m trying to find Rocco Valducci’s farm?’
The girl, who looked not much older than Flick, smiled. ‘Sure. You head out the road past the bins, heading to Corrigin, then take the Melba Road on your left and you can’t miss it. It’ll have a sign.’
‘Thanks, that’s great.’ Toni clenched her fists and bought four chocolate bars. She needed comfort food.
‘What’s this for?’ said Flick as Toni got back in the car and held out the chocolates.
‘Just hungry,’ she said. But looking at them now she realised she wasn’t. Still, she opened one and started eating. Not even the sweet chocolate could take her mind off where they were going.
Toni gave Flick the directions, and five minutes after turning down Melba Road they spotted the sign as they drove up a small rise.
Flick stopped beside it. ‘Oh my God, Mum.’
The large sign, quite faded, read ‘R & C Valducci & Son’, and underneath that in bold blue was the name ‘Maggie Downs’.
‘Take a photo with your camera, Mum, so we can show Nan.’
Down the driveway they went, river gums along either side, and new straight fences and wide paddocks beyond. ‘His crops are nice,’ Toni commented. ‘Some look close to harvesting.’
Two homesteads came into view. The first one was newer, like a transportable, and the one in among some bush on the opposite side of the road was older, but still clearly lived in. ‘Try that old one. My guess is the newer one is the son’s.’
‘You mean your half-brother’s,’ said Flick.
Toni’s hand shot to her mouth as those words sank in. Flick was right. She had a brother. ‘A younger brother,’ she said, dropping her hand and letting her smile grow. ‘It’s surreal.’
‘That means I have uncles and aunties. Finally. And cousins!’ Flick let out a nervous giggle.
Both of them were jittery and overtired. But this was something that couldn’t be put off for another day. They were so close. Maybe the chocolates had been a bad idea.
‘Let’s do this before I chicken out,’ said Toni. She got out of the car and stood beside Flick. It took two seconds before she gripped Flick’s arm in a fit of panic. ‘Oh my God. Maybe we should have called first? What if we give him a he
art attack? What if he doesn’t believe us?’ Toni felt the world start to spin around her.
‘Mum! Calm down.’ Flick was now holding her arms and shaking her slightly. ‘Deep breaths, okay?’
Toni tried but her heart and head were racing.
‘There is no other way. This isn’t something you want to discuss over the phone. And I’m sure we won’t kill him with shock.’ Flick paused. ‘Well, I’m pretty sure.’ She pulled a face but it didn’t reassure Toni one bit. Her skin was feeling damp, her head light. ‘Uh, Mum, are you okay? You look like you’re about to pass out.’
‘I might,’ said Toni as she tried to get a grip.
‘Do you want me to tell him?’
Toni shook her head. She was so frozen in doubt and panic that she wasn’t even sure if she could walk.
A tanned, lean boy came running out of the house but paused when he saw them. He had to be around twelve and was a typical farm kid in worn jeans and boots.
Toni straightened her back and tried to take some control. ‘Hello,’ she said softly.
‘Hello,’ he replied. He cocked his head to the side, his eyes squinting. ‘Who are you?’
‘I’m Toni and this is my daughter, Flick. And you are?’
‘Noah,’ he said. ‘Are you here to see my granddad?’
Toni stumbled over her own tongue, which upon hearing the word ‘grandad’ had seemed to swell in her mouth.
‘Yes, is he here?’ asked Flick.
Noah nodded. ‘Grandad!’ he shouted. ‘You have visitors.’ Then he gave them a wave, walked past them to the nearby motorbike and took off towards some sheds in the distance.
‘Cool kid. A nephew.’ Flick paused, her eyes growing wide. ‘My cousin.’
Toni loved seeing Flick’s excitement and wished she felt the same. So many new faces. Would Rocco allow her into his family? Would she even get to know Noah and his family? How would this meeting end?
They headed towards the front door. The flywire door opened before they got there.
‘Hello?’ said the man who walked out.
Toni stopped under the verandah, her body stationary as she recognised the man from all the photos. But the familiarity didn’t come only from those photos – she also saw herself in his eyes. The same deep browns that were neither like her mum’s nor like Arthur’s. Seeing that connection, feeling an even deeper sensation of belonging and recognition, made her speechless.
Flick stepped forward, holding out her hand. ‘Rocco? Rocco Valducci?’
‘Yes,’ he said, shaking her hand, but his eyes kept coming back to Toni’s as if trying to figure out something.
Could he see Maggie in her, or could he see himself, she wondered. Did he even know what it was that drew him to her face?
‘My name is Flick and this is my mother, Toni. We are from Pingaring and I think you know our farm, Sunnyvale?’
Rocco blinked rapidly and let out a breath. ‘Sunnyvale. Oh, I haven’t heard that name in a long time.’
Toni couldn’t stop studying him. He was tall, tanned, and dressed in blue cotton work pants and a shirt. Boots sat near the door, and Toni could tell he was active on the farm. She could see it in the strength of his arms and the straightness of his back. Age had threaded itself into his skin and lightened his hair but underneath, strong bones and muscle held him sturdy. His face was aged but his eyes held fight and determination, and he by no means seemed his seventy-six years.
‘Is there somewhere we can sit down and talk?’ asked Flick.
Rocco went pale and gestured them into his house. ‘Please, come in.’
Slipping off their boots, they followed him down the passageway to the dining room and sat at the square pine table. It was an old house but it was clean and tidy, and they had made the best of its aging features, with jarrah doors, frames and floors. Toni saw photos of kids on the wall, piles of farming magazines. It had a woman’s touch, warm and homely.
‘Is this about Maggie?’ he asked, clenching his hands together. ‘Has she passed away?’ His mouth was set in a firm line, his brow creased.
Toni felt like crying right there and then. For Rocco to mention her mother’s name was dreamlike, and to feel the emotion in his words was more than she could bear. Sliding her hand across the table she held his hand and shook her head.
‘No. She’s fine. Maggie is my mother. My full name is Antonia.’ She watched relief flush his face, followed by familiarity as she said her name. ‘Mum just recently told me that you are my father.’ A tear escaped and trailed down her cheek. Toni’s breathing stopped as the milliseconds ticked by like minutes while she waited for Rocco to reply. She didn’t know what she was expecting but the way he drew his hand back and away from her stung more than any wasp bite.
Rocco leant back in his chair, his eyes set in his lap. Abruptly he stood and fell against the sink. Toni glanced at Flick, who shrugged slightly. Did they wait for him to respond?
His hand banged against the bench, causing them to jump. ‘No,’ he said shaking his head. ‘It’s not true.’ Rocco slowly turned his head, his eyes piercing.
‘I’m sorry to tell you like this, if there was a better way . . .’ Toni’s voice faded away. What could she say to make it all better? ‘It was a shock to me too. I only just found out after fifty-three years.’ Rocco just stood there, his expression hard and unreadable. ‘But it makes sense now, why I didn’t look like my father. I have your eyes,’ she whispered.
As the words left her lips, his gaze found her eyes as if to see for himself. Toni saw the familiarity, the realisation. His wide shoulders begun to shake. Toni and Flick stood up uncertainly and shared a glance.
Rocco clung to the bench top as tears begun to slide down his weathered face. It was as if the world had come crashing down on him; his mouth contorted in pain and Toni covered her own mouth to stop her cries. She didn’t know what to do or how to stop him from hurting.
A girl, about ten, came running in calling for her grandad. The girl’s mother followed, then stopped abruptly when she saw Toni and Flick. The woman took one look at Rocco and rushed to his side.
‘Dad? Dad, what’s wrong? Are you okay?’ She held his arms but the man seemed inconsolable. The woman with shoulder-length auburn hair turned to face them, her face flushed. ‘Who are you? What is happening here?’ She shot them accusing looks. ‘Dad?’ she said, turning back to him. Rocco let her hold him tightly but it was like he’d disappeared from the room, lost in his own grief. ‘Someone tell me what’s going on!’ she demanded angrily.
‘Mum, what’s wrong with Grandad?’ said the little girl, beginning to cry.
‘It’s okay, Holly. Come here,’ said the woman as she reached out for her. ‘Grandad’s just upset. He’ll be fine,’ she said, although her face didn’t show it.
Toni didn’t know if it was her place to tell the secret, but she was hardly holding herself together. Rocco was in tears, she was in tears, and so was little Holly, and her half-sister looked ready to kill her. What had she done?
‘Maybe we’d better go,’ said Flick, who looked just as pale and confused. ‘I’m sorry, we didn’t mean to cause any problems. Come on, Mum, let’s give him some space.’
‘I think that would be best,’ spat the mother, who seemed torn between wanting to interrogate them and consoling her father. ‘Dad, talk to me,’ she whispered, deciding he was more important than the strangers in his house.
Toni felt rejected but tried hard to remember how she’d reacted to the news. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she managed between her own sobs. Flick put her arm around her and guided her away from Holly’s frightened eyes and her mother’s outrage.
32
FLICK glanced across at her mum again, then back to the road. She’d said nothing since they’d left Rocco. To start with, Flick was just giving her time to process, but now – well, they were nearly home and it was time to talk.
‘You okay, Mum?’ she asked again.
Toni was staring at the passing paddocks.
‘Mum!’ she said a bit louder, and waited till Toni turned.
‘Hmm?’
‘It was a shock for him. Remember how you reacted to the news?’ Poor Rocco had looked like he’d been slapped with a wet fish. At least her mum had had time to get used to the idea before facing her dad. Rocco, on the other hand, had to deal with it face-on. The guy had gone deathly pale, and Flick had been worried they’d brought on a heart attack after all. Flick’s stomach rolled as she remembered the look on her mum’s face when Rocco had withdrawn his hand. That one movement had been her undoing. She’d been gutted, and Flick had felt its effects ripple through her own body.
Flick sighed. She was utterly exhausted. It had been such an incredibly long, emotional day of flying halfway around the planet, driving across the state, and then finally pulling into Maggie Downs to meet Rocco. She couldn’t wait to get home and sleep for a week.
Except she couldn’t even think about resting just yet – they had Maggie to face first.
‘Please tell me how you’re doing?’
Toni eventually turned and acknowledged her question. ‘I’ll be all right.’ Toni shrugged. ‘I didn’t know what to expect, but it wasn’t that.’ A rush of breath left her lips. ‘Maybe I had built up a perfect joyful reunion in my mind. I knew I was getting my hopes up.’
‘Mum, you wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t hope for that. You have to let him get over the shock. When Nan told you, she was someone you love. We were complete strangers to him. Imagine how hard that would have been to take. Think of how you reacted with Nan?’
Toni turned back to the yellow crops flashing past the window. ‘I know you’re right . . . but it still feels awful.’
‘And I’m sure Nan still feels awful too.’
Flick saw her mum nod. Maybe now she might understand it from Nan’s perspective. Maybe now they could repair their rift.
‘What shall we tell Nan?’ Flick asked as she neared their driveway. Both of them stopped talking as they turned into it and started driving towards the house. Flick had never been so relieved to come home. She could almost cry from the joy. Glancing across she noticed her mum sit up and take note too. Her shoulders relaxed. She even smiled.