by Ella Fields
Her bewildered look would’ve made me laugh if I weren’t still trying to breathe properly.
She closed the door and met me in the driveway. “What are you doing out here?”
Quickly, I looked back toward the side of the house, but Quinn had already disappeared into the shadows. “I didn’t feel like walking through the house, so I just came through the side.”
We walked down the street, the lights from campus glowing in the near distance. “What did Quinn say? He looked a little drunk.”
My heart thumped, my hands itching to reach up to my lips, which felt as though they were burning. I was still struggling to comprehend what just happened. “Not much. I don’t really want to talk about it.”
Yawning, she said, “Fair enough.”
“Toby?” I asked, kicking a stray rock on the sidewalk.
“Don’t really want to talk about it.”
We both snickered and made the walk home in thoughtful silence.
We were late.
Squeezing past rows upon rows of knees that didn’t seem to want to move the tiniest bit for us, we took a seat near the end of the row, and I sighed with relief. “Well, this is different from high school football.”
“You already knew that,” Pippa said, shoving her soda straw into her mouth and side eyeing the loud group of people seated next to her.
“It’s one thing to know and another to see it in person.” I looked down at the field, squinting behind the lenses of my glasses from all the glaring lights. “I can’t see them. Who’s who?”
She winced when I looked over at her. “That was Quinn.”
“What?” I looked back at the field, spying Quinn getting up off the ground. “Oh.” My stomach clenched as it always used to when he played. That, and the things he’d said and done the night before still hadn’t left me.
The kiss.
He was drunk. I kept repeating that to myself all day, yet it didn’t help. The urgency, the familiarity, how right it felt, it was hard to forget. Impossible. I didn’t think I ever would, no matter how hard I tried.
“He’s fine. They’re used to it,” Pippa said. “Fucking crazy, if you ask me, though.”
I shifted in my seat. “Agreed.”
As though he could feel us watching him, number eight looked straight at where we were sitting. And even behind the helmet, with the distance between us and the field, I knew he was smiling. He should’ve looked tiny from where we were seated in the stands, but he didn’t. To me, he’d always seemed larger than life, and never more so than when he was doing something he loved. I knew he must be feeling pretty crappy after drinking last night, but he didn’t let it show.
A dark head turned in the stands a few rows in front of us as Quinn ran off. Alexis. Her eyes connected with mine. Guilt flared inside me, but I didn’t look away. She shook her head slightly, then finally turned back around.
My tongue felt thick, and I swallowed hard. Let her assume what she wanted. I knew Quinn probably hadn’t said anything to her, and I didn’t even come here for him. Okay, so it was a perk, sure, but I came because Callum invited me. Mostly. Where was he?
“I think I’ve forgotten what position he plays.”
“Who?” Pippa asked over the screaming fans as someone on our team made it to the end zone. “Was that Toby?”
I shrugged, opening a pack of potato chips. “We suck.”
“That we do.” She shoved her straw back in her mouth, leaning into me and away from the rowdy fans next to us. “I’ve never dated a football player, though. Hockey, yes. Football, no. You have, so you should be teaching me this stuff.”
My eyes ran over the field, the floodlights not doing a damn thing to help me find Callum.
“I wasn’t really interested.”
She guffawed. “Quinn knew that?”
“Of course, he did. He knew I was interested in watching him, though,” I said with a grin before remembering not mine, not mine. I changed the subject. “So you’re dating now?” I knew they weren’t but felt like prodding.
Pippa finished her drink and set it down, plucking her mints from her pocket. “No, but you know what I meant.”
Thirty minutes later, I was out of snacks and the whistle blew.
“It’s over then?” Pippa asked, looking at the Tomahawks crowding each other on the field, then at all the fans standing, screaming, stomping, and yelling around us in a sea of orange and gray. “At least we know they won.”
We waited until the people seated in our row had moved, then made our way out of the stands and waited in the parking lot. I didn’t really want to wait for Callum, knowing Quinn would see, but I at least wanted him to know I’d shown up, in case he hadn’t already seen.
We watched the crowds disperse a while, and I pulled my coat tighter as the door burst open and the players came flooding out into the lot. Toby was in the front, talking to Callum, and was the first to spot us.
“Hey, Pip,” he said, walking over and tugging on a strand of her long hair. “You feel like putting me out of my misery?”
She rolled her eyes. “Not tonight. And don’t call me Pip.”
“Ah, another night, then?” He sidled up to her, and I turned to Callum, who was pulling his drink bottle out of his bag.
“Good game,” I said, feeling like a chump.
He grinned at me around the lip of his bottle. “Did you watch?”
Tucking my hands into my pockets, I nodded. “Sure did.”
“Wanna come to a party? Burrows is throwing one at his apartment across town.”
I looked at Pippa, but she was too engrossed in conversation with Toby, who had an arm bent on the car behind her, trying to cage her in. “Nah, I think I’ve had enough partying for a while.”
Chuckling, he put his drink away, then grabbed my hand from my pocket, using it to pull me toward him. His hair was damp, and he smelled like soap. “I’m glad you came,” he whispered against my lips, his eyes darting back and forth between mine.
I was sure they were huge, and my glasses started fogging with my harsh breathing.
Feeling a set of eyes on me, I glanced to my left and saw Quinn look away as he approached Alexis, who was waiting by his truck. I averted my gaze before I could see them touch, giving my attention back to Callum. Who didn’t miss a beat. “You friends with Alexis?”
I didn’t know how to answer that, but I did it as honestly as I could. “No.”
Tilting his head, he pinched his lips together as he studied me, looking as though he wanted to ask something else. “So you and Quinn?” I’d wondered when he might say something. I waited for him to continue with my pulse whistling in my ears. “He’s the one who messed you up?”
“I guess you’ve heard about that, then.”
He jerked his shoulders. “The guys on the team gossip like no woman I’ve ever met.”
That made me laugh, and his hand reached up to stroke my cheek. I froze, admitting quietly, “It’s now in the past, as you can no doubt see.”
Because kiss or no kiss, I wasn’t the one he walked to a minute ago. I couldn’t help but wonder if he regretted it. He probably did.
Humming, Callum said even quieter, “But maybe not where it counts the most.”
I wasn’t as stunned by his perceptiveness as I should’ve been. “Not yet, but I have hope.”
“Me too,” he said. “It gets better, right?”
I knew he was talking about his ex, and I had the strongest urge to wrap my arms around his neck and squeeze all his pain out of him. I knew how badly it hurt. How it either kept you awake or haunted your dreams. So that was what I did. I threw my arms around him and whispered, “I don’t know if it gets better, just easier to live with.”
His strong arms wound around my waist, and my eyes closed. I’d forgotten. Misplaced the memory of how nice it felt to simply be held in someone’s arms like this.
Pulling away, I offered him a watery smile, which he returned before grabbing my cheeks and staring i
nto my eyes. “He’s an idiot.”
“So is she,” I said with complete sincerity.
Then he kissed me.
It wasn’t lewd, or wet, or a promise of more to come. It was a gentle press of his lips to mine. A sharing of skin, emotion, and empathy, which I absorbed as if it was a painkiller. He pulled back, his thumb brushing against my cheek before he walked off toward his car where one of his teammates was waiting for him.
Blinking and shifting on my feet, I found Quinn staring straight at me over Alexis’s shoulder, his jaw tight and his eyes filled with something I couldn’t read. I looked away when Alexis noticed who he was staring at, and with my stomach flipping, I turned to Pippa.
She was laughing at something Toby had said. “I’m going to head home. You coming?”
She looked from Toby to me, bit her lip, and then nodded. “Later, Tobes.”
“Hey! You can’t call me that,” he said as she linked her arm through mine.
“Then don’t call me Pip!” she called over her shoulder as we walked out of the parking lot.
“You let me call you Pip.”
“He hasn’t earned the right,” she whisper-hissed.
“You don’t want to hang out with him?” I asked once we were out of earshot and heading back toward the dorms. Despite being late, the streets were full of students and people hanging around, chatting, drinking, smoking underneath the streetlamps, or sitting on garden ledges.
“I do, but I don’t.”
“What?” I asked.
“He’s … pretty full on.”
Well, that was true. “But he seems extremely invested in nabbing you.”
She laughed. “Yes, and Christ, he’s, I don’t know. There’s something about him. He’s not only good looking, but he’s also got this magnetism that sucks you in.”
I was confused. “So why not give him a chance?”
Silence fell for a minute. “Do you believe in gut feelings?”
“I do, yes.”
“Well, mine is telling me to give it a try, but for once, I don’t trust it.” We skirted around a large family.
“I’m really confused. Why?”
She waited until we were inside and headed upstairs to our room before saying, “The way he ignored me at the party.”
I closed the door, locking it and kicking my shoes off. “Yeah. That was weird.”
“He kind of acted like he didn’t even want me. It was not only embarrassing, but I also didn’t get it.”
“What are you going to do?” I asked, looking at her.
“I have no idea. And after seeing him again tonight …” She sat down on her bed, plugging her phone into the charger.
“He was hot again. You’re worried he’s going to be hot and cold?”
“Yep,” she said.
That was understandable. “Shit. If we can’t trust our guts, what can we trust?”
The smile she gave me was sad but comforting at the same time. “Our hearts, I guess.”
My sigh was more of a groan. “Well, I’m screwed.”
Slamming my locker closed, I tried to ignore the comments and questions hurled at Welsh about Daisy. It’d been days since the game, and he saw her; it’s not like she even came out afterward. Yet they’re all acting like he’s bagged some virgin and it’s the best thing since they got their first cell phones and realized they could use them to watch porn.
It grated. Badly.
As much as I’d been trying otherwise, she was filling my every god damned thought. Ever since I laid eyes on her again, it was like I saw nothing but her. My neck was getting stiff from all its swiveling around, my eyes constantly on the lookout for something I couldn’t have anymore. Yet I’d tried to take it anyway.
I felt fucking wretched. As if I was being torn in two uneven, jagged halves.
Her lips, fuck. I messed up just kissing her like that. But what I couldn’t understand was why it didn’t feel like a mistake.
“If you break her hymen, dude. Get evidence.”
“Yeah, it didn’t happen unless we see some blood,” Burrows jeered, making me spin around. With my fists clenching, my eyes locked on Welsh’s, and he sent me an apologetic look. Yeah, he knew. He probably knew I’d already been there too but kept his mouth shut. Wasn’t sure if I was thankful or annoyed about that.
“Shut up about it, already,” Callum said, slipping on his sneakers. “You’re acting like a bunch of prepubescent idiots.”
Burrows snorted. “You’re the idiot if you pass that shit up. Or what, waiting for the bitch to come begging you for another chance?” He sneered. “Again?”
Callum tensed, slowly looking up from where he was tying his shoes on the bench seat.
Burrows raised his hands, and I glanced at Mike, who was wisely minding his own business on the other side of the locker room. He’d wanna be.
He and Renee, Callum’s ex, had somehow ended up in bed together after a wild party last year. Despite swearing he didn’t sleep with her, one of Renee’s friends—or not friend, I don’t know—had a photo of them both practically naked together in Mike’s bed.
Coach Lawrence walked in, tugging his ball cap over his balding head. “All right, ladies. Playtime’s over. Get up and get your asses out there.”
Callum’s head shook as if he were trying to clear it. I did feel bad for the guy but not right then. My blood boiled instantly every time I thought about him and Daisy kissing last weekend after the game. But I couldn’t say anything. Not a damn thing.
“You good?” I heard his voice behind me as I jogged out onto the field.
“Fine, why?” I didn’t look at him, afraid I might’ve punched him in the face.
“You know why. Look, it’s not—”
A hollow laugh flew out of me. “Don’t,” I gritted out. “I kind of want to kill you right now, and I feel like an asshole for even feeling this way, so just … give me some space.”
Without looking at him, I jogged over to the other side of the field to join the guys there for warm-up.
“Hey, stranger,” Alexis said, leaning against the front door.
Shutting the truck door, I walked over. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Haven’t seen you since the weekend. I missed you.”
Her arms came around my waist, and her head took up residence on my chest, right above my traitorous heart. Feeling like a world-class douchebag, I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight.
“I thought we could hang out. Maybe watch a movie?” she asked, following me upstairs once we were inside.
I didn’t know if I could spend that much time with her. I’d fucking cheated on her. And the worst part was that, slightly drunk or not, I was scared if given the chance, I’d do it again. “I’ve got a lot of studying to do, rain check?” I needed to get my head straight and figure out what the hell I was doing.
She didn’t answer me, and I looked over from where I was rummaging through the stuff on my desk, searching for the notes I’d taken last week. Her blue eyes were narrowed, and her arms were crossed as she leaned against the doorframe. “What?”
She shook her head. “Nothing, I’ll just leave you to it then.”
“Lex.” I moved over to her. “Don’t do that. Spit it out.”
“It’s just, a rain check?” she asked. “Really?”
My brows lowered. “You always say it to me when you need to study. What’s the big deal?”
Sucking her lip into her mouth, her eyes moved to the ceiling before dropping and nailing me on the spot with their ire. “What’s the big deal? The big deal is that we’ve hardly seen each other in weeks. In fact, the last time we even had sex was weeks ago when you took me like an animal.”
Cringing at the reminder, I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”
Her raised hand shut me up. “It’s not that. I told you I liked it, loved it even, and nothing since.” She sighed, running a hand through her hair. “It’s Daisy, isn’t it?”
“What?” M
y mouth dried.
“You came to my dorm, all messed up over some crap I might or might not have done years ago. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t have done that.”
She had me by the balls, and she knew it.
Sitting down on my bed, I ran my hands up and down my face, trying to think. I didn’t know what to do. I felt stuck, as though I’d backed myself into a corner with no exit in sight.
What the hell was I supposed to do? Tell her, just tell her now.
Sitting down next to me, she reached out, taking one of my hands in hers. “I love you, Quinn. And I know, I’m not stupid. I know what you and Daisy had. But that was then, and this is now.”
“What do you mean by that?” I looked at her, and she gave me a hesitant, sad smile.
“I understand you’re going to have residual feelings. She was your first in a lot of ways, and you guys meant a lot to each other. But I need to know, is it the shock of seeing her? What’s happening to us?”
She was my first in every way, in a way that messed up something fundamental inside me when I realized we weren’t going to be each other’s last. But residual feelings? Maybe that was what this was. Maybe I’d been overthinking it. I could only hope because it was getting to be too much. And that hope meant that over time, they might fade away.
“Yeah,” I said, stumbling over my thoughts. “I think it is. It’s just … weird. And I feel like a dick. Us being together.”
“Because she came here with ideas in her head that she’d be with you?”
I didn’t like the harsh tone of her voice when she said that. But it was true. “Who knows what she came here hoping for exactly. But it was clearly a shock, and none of us knew what really happened after she left.”
“That’s not your burden to bear, Quinn. Anyway, she seems like she’s moving on now. Callum might be good for her. He’s nice enough if he can get over Renee.”
I wanted to smash something.
That was what I was worried about. If anyone could make a man get over someone, or be willing to try, it was Daisy. She was so different now. No longer just a teenage girl but a young woman. Yet she was still the same. Beautiful, golden, and intensely addictive to be around.