by Ella Fields
“I’ll get you a bigger one.”
His parents were indeed asleep when we arrived, and my heart grew ten sizes too big as I gazed at everything in his ranch-style home. It was exactly the same with only a few minor changes. “New fridge,” I commented.
Quinn tossed his keys onto the whitewashed entry table, kicking off his shoes. “The other one died right after Mom had made a huge grocery run for Christmas last year. She almost cried, I swear.”
“Oh, yikes.”
“Come on, it’s pretty late.” He took my hand, leading me upstairs to his room, which had hardly changed at all, save for all the pictures I’d drawn him that used to hang on the wall beside his bed. They were now gone. It stung, and tears welled.
Quinn put our bags down on the floor. Moving behind me, he wrapped his arms around my waist. “They’re still here. Mom saw me tearing them down and took them all. I know she kept them.”
Sucking in a shuddering breath, I nodded. “Where should I sleep?”
“Right there.” He pointed at the king-size bed. “With me.”
His parents had always been a lot more relaxed about letting us do things like that than mine were. Well, my mom wasn’t so bad. My dad was. “I’m hungry. Want something?”
I shook my head, and he squeezed me, lifting my feet off the floor and making me smile before letting go and heading downstairs.
Getting ready for bed, I felt unusually tired all of a sudden. I had a feeling it was the nostalgic and surrealistic haze that had swept over me as soon as we’d driven into town.
I just couldn’t believe it. That I was back here, and with Quinn.
After brushing my teeth, I climbed into bed and waited for him. He returned eating a sandwich and an apple at the same time and used his foot to nudge the door closed. “Your mama will probably still slap you stupid if you get crumbs all over your bed.”
He grinned, then shoved what was left of the sandwich into his mouth, stuffing it in with a large finger and struggling to chew. “Less chance of crumbs now,” he mumbled around it.
I laughed, covering my mouth with my hand to keep from waking his parents down the hall. “You’re real special, Quinn Burnell, know that?”
He leaped over me, his apple falling to the bed as he peppered peanut butter-scented kisses over my cheek. “Ew, no, no.”
He grabbed my cheeks, pinching them together with one hand, then put his lips on mine. It started out playful, but then I got over the peanut butter residue and pulled him down on top of me. “Want you,” he whispered, his hips rolling into me.
“Not here,” I said, though I was starting to feel desperate enough not to give a damn.
Groaning, he grabbed the apple, got up and went to get ready for bed.
Coming back into the room, he dropped his pants, giving me a shameless smile over his shoulder, and slowly tugged out a pair of sweats from his bag. His shirt came off next, but he didn’t put a new one on. And even in the dimly lit room, I was mesmerized by his thick arms and smooth, muscled back, and when he turned to face me, those damn lickable abs.
“Not going to wear a shirt?” I asked a little too huskily as he climbed into bed. My thighs clenched together. I really needed him to wear a freaking shirt.
“Nope,” he said, mischief evident in his grin and tone.
“Fine,” I huffed, rolling over to face the wall so I wouldn’t throw myself at him or start salivating.
He pulled me back to him, turning me. “I’ll be good. But look at me. I need to see you.”
I made a face. “Better?”
“Much.” He laughed, then reached out to take my glasses off, placing them behind him on the nightstand. “I need to ask you something.”
“Okay.” He hesitated, his bottom lip rolling between his teeth. I grabbed it, plucking it free. “Ask,” I whispered.
“Was I the only one you’d kissed before Callum?”
“Yes,” I answered quickly.
His eyes closed. He seemed to be struggling with that, which was made even clearer when he said, “I’m such an idiot.”
“Quinn.”
“No, Dais.” He touched my lips, tracing them. “These. They’ve always belonged to me. Your every first was mine to keep, and I threw it away when it all collapsed around us.” He inhaled a shaky breath, his shoulders rising, then let it out. “Now someone else has touched them, and that kills me.”
Blinking away tears, I whispered, “But you went further than that. Much further.”
He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth again, his eyes glazing over. “I know,” he rasped. “I’m sorry.”
I knew he was, but it’d still happened. “Were you her first? And was … was it only her?” My stomach curled into a thousand angry knots as his eyes shut. I looked away toward the window.
“No, I wasn’t her first.” Fingers on my chin turned my gaze back to his wet hazel eyes. “And there were a few before Alexis. I won’t lie to you.” I nodded, my throat swelling and my heart contracting. “But you’re the only one who’s ever made it feel like more. Like I couldn’t ever get enough if I tried. We’ve got the rest of our lives for me to show you that.” Vulnerability swam over every perfect inch of his face, his lashes fluttering as his eyes roamed over my own. “If you’ll have me?”
With the way he said those words and the whispered plea buried beneath them, it was all I could do not to bawl like a baby. Maybe it’d always hurt when I remembered what he’d done, and the regret I still held. But I knew, deep down, the hurt would be so much worse, quite possibly endless, if I couldn’t forgive him. “I’ll have you,” I whispered thickly.
He let out a gust of breath that blew warm over my face, his head dropping to my neck where he inhaled deeply and nuzzled his nose into my skin. His body shifted, lying flush over mine, and I welcomed the weight, the strength of it, by wrapping my arms around him. One over his waist and the other around his shoulders, my fingers running through his hair, holding his head against the crook of my neck.
I’d forgotten just how beautiful watching the sun rise over the sprawling fields could be. How the color slowly leeched from the horizon onto the farm. Inch by inch it crawled, spreading its glory in rays of golden pink.
I’d risen before the sun. Some instinctive part of me knowing I’d want—no, need—to see this, I’d carefully untangled myself from Quinn and grabbed my sketchpad before quietly heading downstairs.
As if predicting my early arrival, Quinn Sr. had been there, drinking coffee and eating bacon and eggs while reading the paper. He scooted an already full mug over to me and wordlessly pointed at the sugar and milk on the table. As soon as I stepped outside, Spud woke up, his tail flapping sporadically as he walked alongside me. He was now snoozing next to the tree, pawing at a fly that kept trying to land on his nose.
Putting my pencil back in its case, I leaned forward, resting my arms and chin on my bent knees to watch the sun’s final ascent into the sky.
Maybe you didn’t always need to try to capture beauty. Sometimes, you simply needed to experience it, let it seep into you and fill your soul with color instead.
My soul was happy here. So happy, I felt a tear leak out of my eye. Taking a sip of coffee, I brushed it away and leaned back against the trunk of the willow tree.
The swing was gone, but the rocks were still here, a few feet away. They’d sunken into the earth where the grass stopped, undisturbed. The memory of what we did all those years ago felt silly. But it also felt like that was where the magic began.
With a dead rooster.
Shaking my head, I laughed a little, putting my mug down. Crunching footsteps met my ears, and I looked up to find Quinn walking over, hands tucked into his jean pockets.
He sat down, and I squeaked as he picked me up and placed me between his spread legs.
He pulled me back to his chest, his arms like boulders resting on me, trapping me. “Why’d you leave me?”
My throat tightened. I knew he was trying to be playful, but
I could hear it. The slight hint of fear in his tone. “Sorry. I wanted to watch the sunrise.”
He moved some hair from my neck, resting his lips there. His breath tickled my skin, and after a minute, I felt him relax a bit more. “I thought it was a dream. When I woke up, expecting you there. For a split second, I thought I’d been transported back to two years ago, and this had all been a dream.”
I grabbed his arm, my other hand reaching up to brush his cheek and chin. “I know what you mean.”
“Alexis tried to call me while we were asleep.”
My hand dropped. “Are you going to call her back?” I selfishly hoped he wouldn’t, but I knew it wasn’t that simple.
“I thought about it, but then, what would I even say? I’m pissed about what she did to you, but I still feel like a dick.”
“Don’t worry about me,” I whispered.
“That’s impossible.” He squeezed me. “Have you had breakfast?”
“Always trying to feed me.”
He chuckled into my neck. “Don’t give me sass. It’s the—”
“Most important meal of the day.” I laughed as he reached down to tickle my stomach. “I know.”
A rooster crowed, and Quinn reached over to grab my mug and take a sip. I took it from him after, taking another drink before he polished it off.
“Hey,” he said, hands climbing under my shirt and splaying over my stomach. “What ever happened to Frederick?”
“Oh, it’s horrible. You don’t want to know.”
“Dais, I’ve helped Dad with a lot of horrible stuff here; I can handle it.”
Sighing, I relaxed back into him, my head resting on his shoulder. “He got run over.”
Quinn tried to hide his laughter, but I felt it and turned around to glare at him. “Sorry,” he said.
“He wasn’t used to it, okay? Living in a residential neighborhood. He didn’t have road smarts.”
“Road smarts?” He snorted.
“Shush, I loved him.”
He quietened then, pushing my head back down onto his shoulder and smoothing my hair back from my forehead. “I know. Sorry.”
“He did okay for a while. But then he just wandered off. Dad found him by the curb on the next street a few days after we noticed he’d gone missing.”
“Did you bury him?”
“Dad did,” I said. “He was driving the neighbors nuts. Wouldn’t be surprised if one of them saw an opportunity and took it.”
“Assholes,” Quinn said. “We’ve got three again. Take your pick.”
I laughed, feeling a little giddy from how relieved I was. Being here. Smelling the hay in the air and feeling the crisp, clean breeze stirring tendrils of my hair around my face.
“Sometimes, I come down here just to remember where we began. To remember that we happened.”
My voice was a whisper. “You don’t know how good it feels to see it, to know it did.”
“I’m gonna marry you someday, Daisy June.” My chest caved in at those words. “Shit, don’t cry.” He grabbed my chin, brushing his lips over my cheek.
“No, it’s … they’re happy tears.” I sniffed, not realizing they’d escaped. “Does your offer still stand?”
“It was never an offer. It was a statement. A feeling I had in my gut.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. How you can simply look at something or someone and just see it. Feel it.”
“What?” I asked.
“You. Us. Years from now. Always.”
“Yes.” My heart was buzzing in my ears.
He hummed, holding me tighter. “When you see it, what are we doing?”
“We’re right here. On this farm.”
“You’re painting on the porch, and I’m working out in the fields, trying to catch just the tiniest glimpse of you.”
Sniffling, I choked out, “Yes, all of that. Yes.”
“What else do you see?”
I shyly admitted, “A little girl with sandy blond hair, following you around.”
“A little boy, too,” he said. “Sneaking into your art supplies and painting the walls whenever our backs are turned.”
The image we’d created felt so real, so beautiful, so right, that a sob escaped me. “I want it so bad. I always have.”
“Well, time for us to wake up. Because we’re gonna have it.”
We stayed out under the tree until our butts grew sore and our bellies grumbled. After a huge breakfast, Quinn went out into the fields to help his dad fix some fencing while I helped Amy prep lunch.
“Have you met Pluto?” she asked, handing me tongs for the salad.
“Not yet, but I’ve seen pictures. He’s gorgeous.”
“Quinton is quite proud of him,” she said, a fond smile in her voice. “You’ll have to go out and meet him.”
“I will.” I checked on the turkey in the oven as she washed some plates from breakfast.
I passed her the dish towel to dry her hands, then moved to the fridge to grab drinks and set them on the dining table.
“You know,” she said, hanging the towel up. “I heard what happened.”
My face turned crimson in an instant, and she laughed. “Not just that. But what happened after. Have you seen her?”
“Yeah, I have.” I wrung my hands together. “It didn’t turn out so well, but I guess I can’t expect forgiveness or that we can fix everything.”
The gentle lines on Amy’s pretty face tightened. “There’s no single person to blame or forgive here. The way I see it, you’ve all done wrong by each other. You and Quinn, you should never have gone about things the way you did.”
“I know.” Shame filled me, just when I thought I could finally shake it.
“But you were already betraying her,” she went on. “It didn’t have to be physical. But really, Alexis already knew how you felt. And I’m sure she knew how Quinn felt too. She just ignored it. Hoped it’d go away.”
“She still didn’t deserve it.”
Amy gave me a warm smile, stepping closer to touch my cheek. “You’re a good egg, my girl. But do me a favor?” I nodded. “Don’t beat yourself up for it. If you want my opinion, Alexis and Quinn shouldn’t have ever tried to make something out of your absence. It never would’ve worked out how either of them wanted it to.”
With a pat on my cheek, she left the kitchen, and something in my chest loosened even more.
“Psst.”
In the living room, I spun around from my perch near the window. Quinn was in the doorway, a blanket and torch underneath his arm and a mischevious smile on his face.
With a jerk of his head toward the front of the house, he walked away.
I followed, curious about what he was up to. It was nearing ten o’clock, and his parents had only just gone up to bed.
Spud groaned from his bed on the porch, but otherwise let us be as we made our way into the fields. Torchlight shone over the grass, and Quinn grabbed my hand, tucking it in his arm so that I didn’t trip over any grooves hidden beneath the blades of grass and weeds.
He set the blanket on the grass to the left of the willow tree and placed the torch on the ground before sitting down and tugging me onto his lap.
His arms felt like a warm blanket, and I snuggled back into his chest. I was about to ask him why we’d come out here, but then the peace settled over me in the silence.
Alone. We were blissfully alone save for the cows in the far-off field and the insects brave enough to chirp in the cool night.
“So much clearer out here,” I said, my head resting back against his shoulder to gaze at the starry sky. His lips slid side to side over my jaw, causing goose bumps to rise that had nothing to do with the looming winter chill.
“Can I kiss you?”
I turned my head, my lips a breath away from his. “I’ve been waiting for you to.”
His eyes were luminous, even in the dark. “I didn’t want to push you.”
“Push me,” I whispered. “I’ve been ready
to fall since you brought me here.”
A rush of breath hit my lips, then his hand was in my hair and his lips were on mine. Like fire on ice, I melted into him, the cold making way for the kind of heat I’d gladly let consume me.
He pulled away, resting his forehead on mine as his fingers dug into my hair. “What I said last night? What I did when you stopped talking to me, the other girls …”
My gut churned. “Stop. I don’t need to know.”
“No,” he croaked, his thumb moving between our mouths to run over my bottom lip. “You’ve gotta know I was desperate, going insane. Always searching for these god damned lips.” I turned around completely, my legs winding around his waist and my hands gripping his head. His hands crept under my shirt, climbing up my back, the rough pads of his fingers tickling over my flushed skin. “Because without the stars, the moon is left alone to battle the dark.”
“I’m sorry.” I stroked my thumb over his cheek.
“Me too.”
Tilting his head back, I dropped my lips to his. “I love you.”
His eyes shut, and when they reopened, they were full of urgency. “Forever, I’ll love you. It’ll never stop.”
Our lips fell into each other, desperate yet gentle as they glided over and dipped under, our hands clutching and our hearts banging against our sternums.
He fell back, and I fell over him, sinking my tongue inside his mouth and growing dizzy from his taste, the way he touched me, felt against me, and met my every move with a fervor that rivaled my own. “I want you,” I repeated his words from last night.
Groaning, he rolled me over, and I pulled the drawstring on his pajama pants.
He shoved them over his ass, and I reached down, lifting his Henley to touch his stomach first. Abs twitched, contracting beneath my hand, and his breath stuttered. “Dais.”
“Let me.”
“There’s no way in hell I’m stopping you.”
Grinning up at him, I reached down, fingertips following the tiny trickle of hair that led to his hard length. His whole body shuddered over mine when I wrapped my hand around him, gently moving it up and down.