by Leigh Lennon
10
Justine
My heart can’t break any more than it already has. Emma scared me shitless and that is after recovering from the unexpected diagnosis with Lorel. As much as I thought my focus would be on Rose and Brody, I know they will be okay. But Emma is a whole other matter. I find my way to the chapel; though I’m not a religious woman, I know God exists. I sit down, and I figure I’m just as surprised as He is that I’m here, I’m sure. All I can do is sit in the chapel and cry for all those I love who are hurting right now. My heart hasn’t felt this empty since losing my sweet beautiful Lorelei almost six years ago. Sitting in the pew crying, I feel a tender squeeze on my shoulders. Looking through my tears, I see the dependable as ever Ryan Dean staring at me. “Tine, thought you might need a friend,” he says. Ryan and his late wife—Lorelei, my best friend since I knew what friendship meant—have called me Tine for as long as I can remember. Whenever he says that one small word, it’s a reminder of what I shared with Lorelei, the woman my sweet little grandbaby is now named for.
Standing, I let him embrace me. It’s funny that Ryan and I could not get along when his precious wife was alive, yet we have become so close since her passing. “Funny seeing you here. I was just thinking of your Lorelei,” I say. Now that there are two, they both own my heart.
“You look like hell.”
“I’m sure I do,” I say.
“Let me get you away from this for a while. Let’s go get a cup of coffee, even if it’s really crappy.”
“Crappy coffee sounds like heaven right now,” I acknowledge.
“I figured you would see the silver lining.” As we walk to the elevator, Ryan looks at my tired eyes and asks, “All right, Tine, it’s just you and me. How are you really doing?” He could always read me well.
Besides Nick, Ryan has been an anchor in my life. “Honestly, I feel numb; as though I can’t feel anything at this point.”
“How is Rose?” His eyes are dull. Sure, it has improved through the years as he and the kids have recovered. I have not seen the dance in his eyes since the last dinner party we had together, which also happens to be one of the final times I spent with my friend.
“She’s strong. They will make it, but having a special needs child is going to be something Rose will have to come to terms with. I know she’s excited but sad at the same time. I think she feels guilty, too, because of that.”
“Lore loved Rose so much and would be honored to have little Lorel named after her. And I love Rose as I do Madeline. I’d gut the guy who hurt her. Thankfully, for Brody, I don’t think I’m going to have to.”
“Aww, but it is the thought that counts, you know?” I laugh for the first time in twenty-four hours, and it feels good. “By the way, I wanted to talk to you about something—and before you shut me down, just hear me out, okay?”
Ryan rolls his eyes, knowing exactly what this conversation is about. “Really, Justine, again?” Trying to fix Ryan’s loneliness is the one thing I can focus on during all this fucked-up shit.
“Her name is Carrie Lyon. She’s about the only one at work who I don’t want to kill. She’s sweet, cute, and confident. Her husband was abusive, and she’s been divorced for five years. He’s in jail for assault, but she’s a tough cookie. She has a ten-year-old girl.”
“Why tell me about her husband?”
“Because you’re a protector, not that she needs it. She learned self-defense and took care of herself the last time he decided to hurt her. I think you’d like her.”
“You know, Justine, I’m more than capable of finding my own dates. I just don’t have any desire.”
Riding in the elevator, I take his hands in mine to turn his eyes to me. “Listen, I miss her every day. I really could use her right now, believe me. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a spouse; she was your everything, but, Ryan, you are not living right now.”
“Justine, I know you mean well, but I can’t do it. I don’t know if I ever will. I’ll always compare my date to Lore, and that is not fair to anyone. I’m past the hard parts, the firsts of everything, and all the nightmares that accompanied our grief, but I can’t. I know after six years, I should be ready, but I’m not. I’m not even close.”
Sighing, I know when even I’ve been shut down. Not many do this or, should I add, I don’t allow many to do this, but Ryan gets a pass because he was Lore’s man. “Okay, Ryan, I just worry about you. Remember you were harsh to me about forgiving Nick. I don’t think I could have without you. I want to give you that same encouragement.” Sitting down with our cups of coffee, we make small talk, comparing Lorel to Madeline when she was a baby since she was bigger than Lorel is now. It was fun and a needed break to discuss the past and the memories I have of the unforgettable Lorelei Dean.
I’m looking at my watch when he stands. “I know you need to get back, but call me, Tine, please if you need me. I’m going to go meet my wife’s namesake and give her mama a big hug and tell her how proud Lore is of her.” He leans down, giving me a kiss on the cheek.
11
Tyler
It’s almost comical. We wanted a baby more than life itself. When life gave us this beautiful girl, healthy and full of life, and after all we went through to conceive Aspen, Emma completely checked out. She claims it’s because she almost died during childbirth. I sometimes wonder if she blames Aspen for her predicament. We fought so fucking hard for this baby. My sympathy toward my wife teeter-totters from full-blown compassion to absolute blinding rage.
The drugs during the in vitro process made Emma a little hormonal, and at times, a bit unstable. Financially, we struggled. It was more expensive than we thought, and even with the partnership and bonuses, we had to make sacrifices.
I have thought of very little but the recovery of my wife. And with thoughts of Emma come the difficulty of determining the best option. Committing her to a facility will make her buck more than a stallion in captivity. No, she needs to feel as though she has a choice in something that has such an impact on her. Using that reasoning, I decide we will send her to the facility in LA. I want Ems to know I trust her. I can never force anything on her; that is not how she works.
“Tyler?” Emma calls weakly from her bed. “You awake?” I pop my head up. I’m too full of anxiety, dread, and about a thousand other emotions to sleep. I can’t leave her. No, it is more like I won’t leave her.
“Ems? Yeah, baby, I’m here.”
“What is wrong with me?” she asks. She has asked these same questions over the past several months. Being a single parent is tiring. It is all I can do to hold it together for my daughter, but caring for Emma, too, on top of this, has me exhausted. I want our old life back, my old wife back.
“Ems, we are going to get you help.”
“What if it doesn’t work?”
Turning from the chair I was certainly not sleeping in to face her, I try not to let the strain show in my face. She doesn’t need to worry about me or if I’m mad at her. “You are borrowing trouble for another day, baby. We can work on this together.”
“But I don’t like the baby, let alone love her as a mother should. I don’t like feeling like this. Why can’t I love our baby? If I could will myself …”
I stop her. “It isn’t Aspen.”
“I was so scared at that moment, but after today, after learning about Rose and her baby, how could I carry on living with a healthy baby I don’t love?”
“You are ill, baby. That is all. You know how you lose your appetite when you’re sick? This is the same thing. We will get you healed, and then your appetite will be back.”
She laughs at me. “That is the stupidest fucking analogy I have ever heard in my life.” Ah, there is a little bit of my Emma. I see a flicker of sparkle return to her eyes with her sass, and it makes me chuckle.
“Sorry. I’m trying, baby.” I smile.
“I know, and I love you for that.” My body stills; that is the first time she has said those words to me. Hearin
g I love you from my Ems makes me as giddy as a schoolboy. It’s not lost. This is a start, and we can build from it.
I pull the chair to the side of the bed. “But, Ems, you have to promise me you will never pull something like that again. Too many people love you, babe. Don’t ever make me hate you by taking your life.”
“Why are you still so good to me after what I have put you through?”
Lifting her face, I want her to visualize my words as they leave my mouth. “I will always fight for you,” I say when her eyes water. “Do you know why?” When she shakes her head, I simply say, “Because my life doesn’t work without you in it.”
The grief of what she’s been through breaks when tears fall down her face, and they don’t stop. “This is what I signed up for, and I’m with you till the end. And that fucking better be fifty years from now, you hear me?” I watch her faint little smile as she drifts off to sleep. Feeling the enormity of this situation and as though I have failed my two girls, I lay my head on her bed, holding her hands, and fall asleep in peace next to my wife.
We receive the all clear from the fire department to enter the house. Lila and Jones volunteered to take Aspen for the night. I don’t want to walk back into my house, not when Ems almost died in there, but Aspen needs the stability of her home. After Annette begged me to go home for the night, I pulled into my driveway at one in the morning and walked into the house to the most precious sight. My home should be a disaster with dishes strewn everywhere and Aspen screaming. However, this is not what I see when I walk in. The house is clean, almost spotless, and Aspen is asleep in her Pack ’n Play while Jones is sprawled out on the couch and Lila is curled up on the loveseat. I have a spare room, and Aspen has her nursery, but this is how I find everyone. For the first time in twenty-four hours, a peace washes over me. Aspen is just stirring, and though I know she’ll go back to sleep if I leave her alone, I need to feel my baby in my arms.
Listening to mine and Emma’s favorite group, Van Morrison, I sit with Aspen on my lap on the bed Emma and I shared at one time. After the birth and depression turned her into a manic up and down yo-yo for the first month, Emma moved to the guest room, claiming she was no longer able to sleep next to me. I didn’t push. The more I’d push her, the further she’d turn away from me. However, when I didn’t challenge her, she became withdrawn. When I found her after the first day I returned to work crumpled on the floor while Aspen was crying in a dirty diaper she’d been in for hours, I knew she couldn’t even care for our baby.
Aspen has cuddled up next to me, and I’m almost asleep when a light knock on the door brings me back to the present. I can tell Aspen is tired by the way her fingers find their way to her mouth and the other hand rubs her little ear. I know my daughter so well and hate that my own wife and soul mate doesn’t. Propping pillows on either side of her, I gently tiptoe to the door and see Lila.
“You have Aspen?” she asks, concerned.
“Yes, she was awake, and you all looked too tired. I’m sorry I scared you.”
“Holy shit, you really did. Anyway, you want me to go put her in her crib?”
“No, I’m just sitting here watching her sleep. She looks so peaceful and so much like Ems.”
“She really does, and, Ty, she’s such a sweet baby. I have fallen in love with her.”
“It’s easy to do,” I say, wondering why my own wife, Aspen’s own mother, can’t feel the same way.
“Um, Jones and I are heading to the hospital to see Rose and then Ems first thing in the morning. I don’t want to wake Jones now.”
“No, please don’t, but you all would probably be more comfortable in the guest room.” After saying goodnight to Lila, I crawl back into bed with my baby. My thoughts are strictly on Aspen. Emma’s issues will still be here when I wake up.
12
Emma
I wake to my mom lying next to me in bed. She smiles the second my eyes open. “Where is Tyler?” I ask.
“Oh, Ems, I sent him home around one this morning. He was asleep with his head on your bed. He needs to take care of himself for now, though leaving you took a lot of convincing,” she says, squeezing my hand. “Oh, Ems, he loves you so much.”
I’m embarrassed; I can’t even kill myself properly. “Mom, love with Tyler is not the issue. It’s the child I was given. I can’t love her, no matter how much I try. Do you know how that makes me feel? What if you didn’t love me? Wouldn’t you feel like a failure?”
“Emma, you do love Aspen, but you are completely overwhelmed. It has been six months, sweetheart. Your body went through more than the average woman during childbirth.” She strokes my hair, as any mother would, and I admit I’ve never done this with my own daughter. Hell, I can count on one hand how many times I have held her.
“Mom, I want to love her.”
“I’m sure you do love her. It’s just a different sort of love than what you were expecting.”
Before I can say any more, Lila appears at the foot of my bed with tears in her eyes. Lila both looks and acts more like my twin than her actual twin sister does. We have always held this closeness, and I’m sure she’s about to unleash hell on me for scaring her.
“Holy fuck, Emma, you know if I’m crying, you scared the shit out of us. Don’t you know how much you are loved?”
Swearing is Lila’s love language, and I know this little fact about her. It’s her way of saying I love you, don’t leave me. Yet, I can’t explain. My need to wash this all from my life isn’t because of the lack of love from others, but because of the lack of love I feel for the little person I created in my body.
“Lila, honey, I think Ems needs anything but a lecture at this point,” my mother says.
“You’re right, Mom. I’m sorry, Emma. I’m so scared for you, that’s all.” Lila must be fearful if she’s apologizing.
“I know you love those you swear at, Lila,” I reply, trying to make light of the situation. If I can joke about this, then it won’t feel so real.
Finally, when I don’t mention the baby, Lila brings her up. “We stayed with Aspen last night. Jones and I, that is.”
“Jones is with you?” I ask, completely skipping the subject of the baby.
“Um, well, yeah, he flew up here with me to be with Rose and Lorel.” But by her voice, I know Lila is more surprised I didn’t ask about my baby. “But Jones really bonded with Aspen. He was with her all day yesterday.”
“I’m so glad everyone but the woman who gave birth to her can bond with her.” Those words come out of my mouth without malice, but instantly, fuzzy thoughts swarm in my mind, and I’m unable to finish my thought process.
Lila grabs my hand. “It’ll come. I’m the least maternal person, and I love your baby. You will get there, Ems.” I’ll never get there. I have tried. Oh, like hell, I have tried.
The doctor releases me under the strict stipulation that I enter an inpatient facility. With my anxiety soaring, I look at Tyler. He’s the only one with me, at my request. My dad is driving me fucking crazy, and my mom looks at me and cries. Arriving back at our house, I feel the anxiety boil in my blood and radiate through my entire body. A full-blown attack is imminent, and I don’t know how to combat it.
“Why does Kent have to take me to Los Angeles?” I ask Tyler. I love Kent. He raised me alongside Mom and Dad, but he’s tough on me, always has been. But, hell, he’s just as tough on his own kids, too. I don’t remember a time without him in my life.
Tyler replies, “It is too hard on your mom and dad and Justine. Plus, with LA, he’s hoping to connect with Amanda, apparently.” My heart sinks; if there is a bigger shit show in our family than me, it’s Amanda. One of his children from his first marriage; Kent has twins with his first wife, and it ended badly. I grew up alongside Amanda, but she has always been hell on wheels.
I can’t be in the same room with my dad, and I hope I don’t have to see him before I leave. My dad and I are closer than most daughters are with their fathers, but right now, all
I see is disappointment in his face. The disappointment molds against his stern face the second I lay eyes on him, and I know I have let him down in a way he could never have prepared for.
Suddenly, I find myself next to Tyler. Not sure how I got there, but I turn, clinging to him, crying, begging him not to send me away. “Emma, we have been through this. Annette and Justine can’t do it. Call it a maternal instinct they have…” he trails off because he didn’t mean any disrespect to me since I have no maternal instinct. “Your dad, well, let’s just say he can’t do it either. He’s not mad at you. I hope you know that; he’s just too close to the situation. Kent, he loves you but can be that stern, loving hand you need right now.”
Those words make me cringe. What am I? A fucking kid? That is what I feel like. Choosing not to pick a fight right now, I ask, “And he’s going to be there for a week while I transition?”
“Yes, he will stay with Lila in case he’s needed.”
Leaning down, he kisses my forehead, and for the first time since our daughter’s birth, I don’t pull away. “I love you very much, Emma. Please know that,” Tyler says these words to me with so much conviction.
“I know that.” However, I have not asked when I’m leaving. Nor have I asked if the baby is okay. I haven’t done anything that a mother would do.
“I’ve missed you this close to me, Ems,” he says, pulling me into an embrace, and I don’t fight him. I’ve missed this, too.
“Why do you still love me, Ty? I have done nothing but tear our family apart.”
Keeping his body as close to mine as he can get, he leans his head back, looking deep into my eyes. “Emma, get this through that pretty and stubborn head of yours. You are my wife. I love you. I’ll walk the earth to make you better. Marriage is tough, and although it seems fucking impossible right now, you are going to get better. We love each other. We more than just love one another, Ems; we are soul mates. We were made for one another, and more so, we are fucking wonderful together.” It is our tagline; we included it in our vows but spelled the word ‘fucking’ for the little ears in the room, making most people laugh. He pauses. “Remember what we would say after we made love? How you fit into me afterward, and my body is carved out to fit all your curves perfectly.”