by Leigh Lennon
Before Lila can hand Aspen to me, she gives her a big kiss and then says, “Traitor! You only wanted me until you saw him.” Aspen finds comfort and familiarity in my arms. Before I can say anything, Lila asks, “You okay, Ty?”
I’m not okay, not in the least, but with Aspen in my arms, I can fake it. I don’t want their company because with it comes their pity. As though they sense my thoughts, Jones hands us a large tote. “Hildy insisted we bring this by for you.” This doesn’t surprise me. Hildy is married to Justine’s ex-husband and has become close to my mother-in-law through the years. It’s funny how this woman who we have no biological attachment to knows what we need and has been a willing volunteer to watch Aspen while I’m at work if Justine or my mom can’t.
“Somehow, I truly believe Hildy insisted on this.” I laugh, and now I’m grateful because as I smell something wonderful, my stomach begins to growl. I don’t remember when I ate last. When Lila hugs me and gives Aspen one more kiss on her way out, I’m relieved to be in the presence of just Aspen tonight.
16
Emma
I begged Justine and Kent so many times to take me home. However, Kent doesn’t say a word as he drives my dad’s SUV to the airport. Justine sits in the back with me like I’m a four-year-old.
“Justine, please. I just made some progress with Tyler. I’ll get the help at home. I want to live.” That is the truth. I can’t believe I was willing to give up six years of marriage with my husband. I want him, I want him now, to tell me that with him, we can do anything. Then it hits me. He’s been telling me that for the past several months. “Why would you all believe me?” I continue. “I mean, I just tried to kill myself. You must be thinking this is coming out of left field, but fuck, I was so desperate to end the suffering. Now I realize how I could have fucked up Tyler’s life worse.” Grabbing her hands, I plead, “Please, Justine, I’m not saying this so I don’t have to go.” She now is looking at me, though I can’t see her eyes behind her large sunglasses. “I want Ty; I want to try here.” Being in his arms again is like I’m home. It’s not a physical home but anywhere with Ty is my home.
Justine doesn’t say a word, but her big sunglasses don’t hide the tears streaming down her face. I love this woman, and though she’s not my mom, I love her in every way that matters.
She grabs my hand, but as we near the airport, she squeezes it. Leaning over to me, she says in a plea I have never heard from her, “Honey, we all need you well. Our world is dark without the flicker you give to all of us. Please be kind to Kent on the flight there.” Kent brings my dad’s car to a stop in front of the ticket terminal. I get out, and Justine pulls me into a deep hug.
Kent only turns to me. “Come on, Ems. We need to get through security, and our flight leaves in less than an hour.”
He has said very little to me, and just like my dad, I love this man who raised me. However, with his cold and distant demeanor, I’m not sure if he really is upset with me or if this is his defense mechanism. He won’t cry. I don’t think he ever has.
We land in LA without any issues, and I’m surprised when Kent leads us to a Camaro. One look at the cherry red car, and I ask Kent, “Lila’s?” I don’t know why I ask. It couldn’t look more like Lila’s even if her name was written all over it.
“Yes, she left it here and won’t be back until tomorrow, so this was the best option for us,” he says coldly. I want to call him out on his behavior, though maybe he should be mad at me. I am stupid. Damn, why the fuck would I do something this asinine?
The traffic is horrible, and it must take an hour to get to my treatment facility. “You are heading home tonight?” I ask.
“No, I’m going to stay at Lila’s for the next week. I hope to find Amanda while I’m here.” Again, no emotion is in his tone.
“Amanda? Wow, you really got the short stick. Crazy stepdaughter and wild daughter all in one week.” What I mean as a joke isn’t received as one.
“Emma, do you realize how scared shitless we all are for you?” His tone is certainly not one I have ever heard from him. Kent does not yell, but his tone is stern.
“It was meant as a joke, but when I said it, I realized it didn’t come out like that.”
His eyes remain on the road, and we don’t talk again until we arrive at the treatment facility.
It is not much more than ten minutes before I part ways with my stepfather; though, with Kent, I never see him as just that.
I am taken to my room and am told a private space had been requested for me. I look at this place and know there is no way in hell Ty and I can afford this facility, let alone a single room. That is when it hits me—this is my dad. He knows me well, and as mad and hurt as he is, he still did this. He’d do anything for me. Why the hell can’t I feel this way about Aspen?
I’m barely unpacked when a knock on the door brings me back to reality. It takes me a second to consider my surroundings. Looking up, I see a petite woman with dark beady eyes and jet black hair. With a small smile, she says nothing entering my room. Looking at her white jacket, I know this is my doctor or, at least, one of them.
“Emma, I presume?”
Wanting to do my normal Emma thing, I almost say, who the hell else would it be? No one would willingly volunteer for this. However, I only smile because I want to get back to Tyler. Somehow, maybe they can find a way to make me the mother he sees in me.
“I’m Lydia Chow.” Her voice is monotone and she already grates on my last nerve.
Ah, I have found that many of my head shrinks normally refer to themselves as Doctor this or that. Maybe she thinks I’ll relate to her more by using her first name in this facility. I want to yell and tell them to take off the fucking white jackets with their fancy doctorates, but again, I don’t.
“You want to tell me why you think you are here?” she asks, and I find her voice condescending.
“No, not right now.” She sighs at my refusal to talk, taking a deep breath as her first impression tells her I may be a hard case to crack. I want to reply, confirming her suspicions, but I don’t.
“Okay, Emma, I know you have had a hard couple of days. But can I ask you one thing?”
I shrug and give her a small nod. “Okay, you tried to kill yourself.” It’s more of a statement, but I nod in agreement again. “I’m glad you weren’t successful. I see in your file you have a lot to live for.”
“Is there a question coming?” I ask.
“Yes, actually, there is. Are you glad you weren’t successful, that is, in killing yourself?”
I know what she meant the first time. Her wording is weird, phrasing the question in an odd way. However, I only say, “If you are asking if you must worry about me killing myself again, the answer is no. I’m not bullshitting with you either. I have a husband at home who I love dearly, and for that reason, I’m going to get better. I hope somewhere in all your many doctorates that I’m sure you possess, you can help me fall in love with my daughter.” I know that is the only way I can return to Tyler.
17
Tyler
Turning off my phone for the night, I focus my thoughts on the little girl mesmerized in her bouncer looking at me with the same black eyes as her mother. No matter what, as often as I see Aspen’s eyes, I’ll always think of Emma. I know Ems is sick because there is no other reason her heart is not beating strictly for this little girl in front of me.
Aspen is jumping up and down and laughing, and my heart is full. Being a dad is the best job. I can see how Emma has Nick’s heart because this little girl in front of me will have me wrapped around her fingers forever.
Even with my phone off, it doesn’t deter my business partner, father-in-law, and grandpa to my daughter from appearing on my doorstep with a six-pack and his sinful tiramisu.
Laughing, I open the door, and Aspen suddenly recognizes her PopPop. Nick abandons all traces of the food and brew and sweeps Aspen out of her jumping contraption that Emma insisted on buying before Aspen was born. I tho
ught it was stupid to get all this stuff for the baby that she didn’t need right away, but since Ems has been MIA in the mothering department, I’m glad she did.
At this moment, I’m not sure Nick is here for me as much as he’s here for himself. Just like me, he may need a dose of Aspen to get him through the night. Without taking his eyes off his grandbaby, he says, “Kent called. He got Ems to the treatment facility.”
That was why I turned off my phone. I needed a break from everything Emma for just a little bit even though, looking at our daughter, everything reminds me of Emma.
“That’s good. Did he have any issues?”
“No. Kent mentioned she’d been very quiet.”
I laugh because, by the look on his face, we both know it is very seldom that Ems is ever quiet. “Hey, how are Rose and Lorel?”
“They’re good. They are going home tomorrow.”
“I feel like shit that I haven’t been over to see her,” I say, grabbing two beers from the table where Nick deposited them, handing him one. “I love Justine, but I’m so glad to have a break from her dark beer.”
Nick only chuckles. “I won’t tell her you said that. But about Rose—she understands. I know your thoughts are with her.”
“How is she?” I ask.
“You know Rose. She’s just Rose.” And those words hit me hard, very hard. Nick sees my eyes, as though they have been caught in the headlights, and he clasps my shoulder. “Tyler, everyone is different. You can’t look at your situation and compare your ways to others.”
“I know. I look at this little girl in front of me, and she makes me forget the hell we’ve all gone through.” Aspen squeals, and I’m not surprised to find Nick still has her in his arms.
“I know something about a daddy’s love for his little girl, Ty. You will always have Aspen to make the shitty days ten times better,” Nick says, kissing my daughter’s fat little cheeks. “Look, Son, we will get through this.”
I sigh, taking a sip of my favorite beer, and I can only hope. “If there is a silver lining in all this shit, it’s that she scared herself as much as she scared us. I don’t think she wants to die,” I say, and that is when Nick holds my daughter tight.
I look over to see him crying. “You know how you love Aspen and would do anything for her?”
I get it now. As much as I love Ems, and I do, the thought of losing the little girl in my father-in-law’s arms would kill me. Now, it’s my turn to comfort the man who is more than my business partner and father-in-law; he is truly my best friend. Clasping his shoulder now, I let him take in as much of Aspen as he wants. We sit in silence, healing over the events of the past three days.
18
Emma
I wake up in my room, and it takes me a second to get my bearings. Studying the white of the cold cinder block walls, I shudder when I remember where I am. I have nothing in my room. They told me last night that every morning they would bring me a change of clothes along with my overnight bag, and I would be given twenty minutes to get ready. What am I fucking four and my mom must choose my clothes for me? I’m angry again because no one has asked what I want. All control has been taken from me. Maybe getting better means taking control and responsibility.
The doctor has a variety of groups I can choose to attend along with my one-on-one sessions with her. As much as I want to heal—and fuck yes, I do—I can’t heal in an institution where I can’t even choose my clothes. All I see is the look on Ty’s face as I begged him to let me stay. If that is not motivation enough to get my ass going for the day, I don’t know what is.
I'm here a week. This is as long as it takes for me to come to grips that this place, one so cold and unwelcoming, will not be the facility to get me back on my feet.
Returning from group, I see Celia, the only person I like and can relate to, with her suitcase, scurrying down the hall. “Wait, Celia,” I call out, and she turns around with a smile on her face. “Where are you going?” Her issue for being here is not postpartum but a debilitating anxiety.
Turning to me, she smiles. “Ah, I wanted to see you before I left, but Dr. Chow wouldn’t let me.” She hands me a brochure. “I thought of you when my sister sent this to me.” I look over the front part, a little confused.
“I don’t get it?” I ask, still looking at the pamphlet.
“My sister doesn’t think this place is the best for me. She found a commune and retreat center in Houston that specializes in debilitating anxiety. But they have a facility in New Mexico that specializes in substance abuse, postpartum, and violent trauma that’s run the same way. I thought of you and wanted you to have options because I’m not sure how anyone can get better here.” Giving me a hug, she leaves quickly when Dr. Chow sees us talking.
Back in my private room, I scour the brochure. I know the law well enough to understand what rights I have. Being a business major, I dabbled with the idea of a career in corporate law and even applied to law schools. Due to this, I know where I stand. Yes, I entered voluntarily, but once I’m here and now that Kent has left for Sacramento, I can check myself out. I know this will break Tyler’s heart, thinking I’m giving up on my treatment, but I’m taking control of my own recovery.
Taking forty thousand dollars out of our account, I move it to a new account under my name only, keeping what I need for cab fare and a plane ticket. Even though I figure Dr. Chow will eventually call them, I don’t want Ty or my dad to know what I’m planning until I look at the new facility.
People will think I’m selfish, but what they don’t realize is I’m doing the most unselfish act I can think of.
As my plane descends in Albuquerque, I experience a freedom and newfound independence that I am for once taking ownership of my issues.
Upon deplaning, I walk through the airport, happy to have the choice to go to the bathroom when I want to. Come tomorrow, I can choose my own fucking clothes. My dad and husband will worry like fuck about me, and for that reason, I search for someone with a cell phone. When a group of college-aged students catches my attention, seeing they all have their phones in their hands, I approach a young girl who can’t be older than eighteen.
“Excuse me, I’m sorry. But I left my phone at home.” Not really a lie. “Can I borrow your phone to let my husband know I made it safe?”
Looking at me, she hands over her cell phone while laughing. “I could never forget my phone.” I’m thankful she’s nice enough to help me.
Punching in Ty’s number, I send him a quick text, asking him not to try to find me, and that I will be in contact. Then I delete the message and give the phone back to the girl. “If, for some reason, he calls you, tell him I’ll call him once I get settled.” Which again is the truth.
“Sure, anytime,” the naïve girl says, and I want to tell her to stay in her own world where she will only know innocence. When it’s gone, it’ll swallow her whole, like it did to me.
19
Tyler
I pride myself on my ability to organize a schedule for Aspen. I did all this to help Emma because I knew she was the type who lived on schedules. Yet, even after all I did, it didn’t help Emma’s life. And as I place Aspen down for the night, the phone rings and wakes her, causing me to curse the person on the other end.
However, it does my heart good that the second I pick Aspen up, she calms to my touch. Answering the phone, irritated as hell, I hear a voice on the other end I don’t recognize. “Dr. Hunter?”
“Yes,” I say.
“This is Dr. Chow, your wife’s physician at Northwoods Treatments.”
My heart stops. At a quarter after eight, this can’t be a routine call or good news. “Yes, Dr. Chow, is my wife okay?”
“To my understanding, she is. I was just called a while ago. I hate to inform you, but Emma checked herself out of the facility today.”
“What? How is that possible?” I ask, thinking we had all the legalities covered.
“Actually, you never had her legally committed. She came o
n her own accord. So, unfortunately, she’s within her legal parameter. I can’t tell you much other than she’s seeking help elsewhere.”
“Where?” I ask, fighting my desire to reach through the phone and strangle this woman. She’s talking about legalities when less than two weeks ago, my wife almost killed herself.
“I can’t say but she’d been asking for a specific place that one of the other residents told her about, and just an hour ago, we received a request for her records.”
“You want to talk to me about legalities when just a couple of weeks ago, she was almost successful in a suicide, and you just let her go? I think you need to worry about your own legalities when I sue your ass.” I take the phone and throw it against the wall, shattering it into a million pieces. My once calm baby is now frightened from the volume of my voice and the loud crash against the wall.
I immediately call Nick from my cell since our home phone is busted. I must tell him this in person and hope by the time he gets over here, I’ll be able to track her down using the charges in our banking account. Any travel arrangements would show up on our online banking. When I log on to our accounts, there are no changes in our checking, but my mouth falls open when I see a withdrawal of forty thousand dollars from our savings account. She drained three-fourths of our savings, but now I know she was calculated in her actions, which hurts more. After calling the bank, I have nothing to go on since the new money had been transferred into an account that I’m not linked to.