by Heidi Champa
I stood stiffly in the foyer, hoping to hold Sam to his five-minute deadline.
“So you did all this just to get me to talk to you?”
“Yup. You wouldn’t take my calls. I was desperate. But I can’t take all the credit. Kelsey and Maya actually helped me think of the idea.”
I shook my head and couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Kelsey interfering. She’d pleaded with me to stay nearly every day, trying everything in her teenage power to convince me. With no luck. Apparently, she’d decided to pull out the big guns.
“You said five minutes, Sam.”
He put his hands up and motioned toward the kitchen.
“Okay, okay. At least sit down. It will make this easier.”
“I somehow doubt that.” I followed him into the kitchen. Food was spread out on the counter. I nearly laughed at the idea that Jocelyn catered our little talk. I pulled out a barstool and sat, my finger tapping against the granite with nervous energy. Sam looked at me from across the counter, his eyes locked on mine.
“There’s something you need to know, Wes.”
“I thought we’d pretty much said everything there was to say, Sam.”
He shook his head, taking his hand off the counter in frustration.
“Not exactly. That day I came to Daniel’s to see you, there was something I wanted to tell you. But you didn’t really give me the chance.”
“Does it really matter now? I mean, what’s done is done.”
I could tell he really wanted to tell me something, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear it. Anything he said at this point felt like pouring salt into an open wound.
“It does matter. A lot. I mean, you were honest with me. It’s only fair that I be honest with you,” he said somberly.
I could only imagine what he meant by that. With a deep breath, I relented, letting him have his chance to plead his case.
“Okay. Fine.”
He seemed so nervous, and it reminded me of the night of our first dinner. I pushed the memory out of my mind and focused on the here and now.
“Wes, when I first met you, I admit, I did think you were all wrong for me. Immature and irresponsible. Really cute, but totally not my type.”
“I know. You told me, remember?”
“But then I got to know you, and I realized that my first impressions were totally wrong. You were anything but what I expected. Every time we talked, every moment we spent together, made me like you more and more. We clicked, and that’s something I’ve really never experienced before. With anyone.”
I pushed my stool up onto two legs, ignoring the way his words made me feel.
“But you got over all that in a hurry, didn’t you?”
“Wes, please. Just let me finish.”
I put my hand up in surrender and kept my mouth shut.
“When Maya and Kelsey got caught with pot, it brought up a lot of stuff for me. I told you, I don’t like talking about my past. Particularly about Maya’s mom.”
I nodded, putting my stool back on four legs. Sam’s forehead creased with tension, and I felt my heart start to race.
“Maya’s mom and I, well, we were doomed from the start. She was hurt when I came out. Really hurt. I felt so guilty about betraying her, but there was nothing I could do to make it up to her. Then, not long after we split up, she started partying, trying to have what she thought was a normal teenage life. Trying to forget about me and Maya.”
I remembered my words to Sam in the basement, about being young and irresponsible, and cringed. He went on, his eyes downcast.
“Well, it wasn’t long before she got carried away. It started with pot, but she was using meth within a matter of months. By the time we were twenty-one, she’d been to rehab twice. At first, after she’d cleaned up her act, I thought letting Jessica stay in Maya’s life would help them both. But it just was too hard on Maya, watching her mother try and fail to stay sober. Jessica would promise to be somewhere and not show up, or if she did show up, she’d be wasted and I couldn’t let her around Maya like that. Every time it happened, it broke Maya’s heart. And that was the least of it. So I got fed up with it all and we cut off contact. We haven’t seen her since, really. Jessica’s mother called me a little while ago to let me know she was back in rehab for her fifth time.”
I reached out to touch his hand, but he moved them again before I got the chance. He cleared his throat and kept talking.
“I found out about Jessica a few days before the girls got caught with the weed. Needless to say, it pushed me over the edge a bit. All the guilt, all the anger I felt, it came back in an instant.”
“I guess I get that.”
We sat in silence for a long while, our eyes barely meeting. When I finally managed to look at him, Sam gave a weak smile before he continued.
“Can I ask you something, Wes?”
“Sure.”
“When you found out you were innocent, why didn’t you say anything?”
I couldn’t keep the shock from my face. It was the one thing I hadn’t told Sam, but I had a pretty good idea who had.
“Daniel told you, I take it.”
Sam nodded, his eyes burning into me.
“And I still don’t really get why you kept that to yourself.”
“Kind of a long story,” I said.
“Well, maybe you can tell me someday. But anyway, Wes, I wasn’t exactly in my right mind that night. Not that it’s any excuse for what I said to you. I was horrible and I know I can’t really make it right by saying sorry, but it’s the only thing I can say. So, I’m sorry. Again. I just really wanted you to know.”
Jocelyn’s grandfather clock chimed, startling me out of my silence.
“Jesus, Sam. I’m so sorry. I really am. I have no idea how hard that must be for you. And for Maya. But don’t feel guilty on my account. I mean, I’ve heard worse, believe me.”
He smiled, his eyes still not on mine.
“There you go again, Wes. Saying the right thing to make me feel better.”
When he looked at me, my heart clenched. The anger I’d been feeling was gone. Now that I knew the truth, my righteous indignation seemed more than a little misplaced.
“Well, what’s one more for the road, right?” I said with a smile he didn’t return.
“When do you leave?”
“In about a week and a half.”
I stood up, my stool scraping against the expensive tile floor. Sam followed after me, stopping me before I could open the door.
“Don’t suppose it would change anything if I said you should stay?”
I spun around, my shock hard to hide.
“You’re asking me to stay?” I asked, sure he was joking. But from the look on his face, it was clear he wasn’t.
“Would it make a difference?”
My mouth fell open, but I realized I had no idea how to answer that question. Despite the truth being out there from both of us, things were far from clear.
“I honestly don’t know, Sam.”
He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at the floor.
“That’s what I thought. I get that you can’t forgive me. I can’t say I blame you.”
I stepped closer to him but still kept my distance.
“Sam, I forgive you for the things you said. It’s not about that. Like I told you that day at Daniel’s, you weren’t wrong about me. And it’s me that’s the problem. I’m the last person you want to get into a relationship with. You don’t need my baggage on top of everything else you’ve had to deal with in your life.”
“How do you know you can’t do it, if you’ve never really tried?”
I sighed, his persistence making me tired.
“I have tried, Sam. And trust me when I tell you, if we got together, I’d hurt you. And you can’t just think about you. You have to think about Maya too.”
Sam moved right in front of me, too close for my comfort.
“What if you tried being with someone you actua
lly care about? And who really cares about you?”
I shrugged and tried to take a step back, but he hooked his arm around my waist and kept me close.
“It would end up the same way.”
“How do you know?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
Before I could answer, he kissed me. It started off soft, but quickly became fierce as I gave up on being stoic and wrapped my arms around him. When we broke apart, my heart was racing.
“I just know, Sam.”
He shook his head as he reluctantly let me go.
“You know, you say you’re trying to spare my feelings, but I think it’s really you that you’re protecting. You’re scared,” he said, his voice echoing in the huge foyer.
“Maybe I am. But, trust me, it’s for the best that I go.”
I opened the door, but only got one step outside when I heard him.
“Keep telling yourself that, Wes.”
I’D JUST finished closing my bank account, the very helpful woman sliding the check for most of my money across the desk to me. The rest of my savings was in my wallet in cash, ready to be spent on crappy food and motels on my trip to California. As I pushed open the heavy glass door and stepped outside into the bright June sun, my phone buzzed in my pocket. For the fourth time that hour, the number on the screen was one I didn’t recognize. I answered, hoping to figure out what the hell was going on.
“Hello?”
“Yeah, I’m calling about Clean Slate.”
“I think you have the wrong number,” I said, with confusion.
It was the same call I’d gotten all afternoon and I was beginning to suspect that Nick was playing a prank on me. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’d gotten all our old friends to call. It was all so weird.
“But I called earlier and you said the same thing, and this time I triple-checked the number before I called. This is the number for Clean Slate.”
I sighed, not having a clue what to say.
“Look, man. I assure you, I have no idea what this Clean Slate is, so please, stop calling me.”
I pressed the button to stop the call and drove home. When I got to Daniel’s front door, my phone buzzed again. This time I ignored the call, too frustrated to deal with another of Nick’s minions trying to get a rise out of me. Kelsey, Daniel, and Tina were all at the dining room table, giggling about something until I walked in, and they all stopped.
“Okay, what are you three up to?” I asked.
They looked at me with innocent smiles, a laptop on the table in front of them.
“Nothing,” Daniel replied, putting his hands in his pockets. Kelsey was stifling a laugh, her hand in front of her mouth. I shook my head and went to the refrigerator to get a soda.
“Whatever you guys say.”
As I cracked open the can, my phone buzzed again. Wrenching it from my pocket with a groan, another odd number showed up on the screen. Pressing Ignore with more force than necessary, I shoved it back into my jeans. I was heading to the basement, when Tina’s voice stopped me.
“Getting a lot of calls lately, are you, Wes?” she asked.
My hand froze on the doorknob, my throat taking a minute to let the soda go down.
“What do you guys know about that? Is this some kind of prank, some kind of payback for me leaving?”
Kelsey glanced at the computer screen, and before she had a chance to close the lid, I made my way to the table and picked it up. There on the screen was a web page I’d never seen before. But clear as day, at the top were the words “Clean Slate.” As I scanned the information and pictures, I realized what they’d done.
“You guys made a web page for my new organizing business that doesn’t exist? And put my cell number on it? What the hell were you thinking?”
Kelsey pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and flashed me a grin.
“Maya and I had to design a web page for our final class project. We were supposed to invent a business and make it look as professional as possible. I thought of you, U Dub, and your cleaning business. We got an A.”
My face was getting hot, especially since Daniel and Tina were smiling as if this was the most normal thing in the world.
“That doesn’t explain how it ended up as a live page. Especially when I don’t have a business.” My exasperation was growing by the minute.
“That’s where Tina and I came in. We thought it was such a good idea, as you know, so we decided to help Kelsey put it online. Just to see what would happen. If anyone would be interested. And judging from the fact that your phone’s been blowing up, I’d say your fake business would be a real success.”
Daniel crossed his arms over his chest, smug satisfaction all over his face. Which I was about to undo with a few choice words.
“Except you’re all forgetting one thing. I leave for California in a little over forty-eight hours. So, this little business venture of yours will have to stay fictional. And now I’ll have to change my damn phone number. Thanks a lot, guys.”
I set the computer down and turned on my heels, but Kelsey stopped me.
“It doesn’t have to be fictional. You could stay and actually start Clean Slate. You know, stay with us and not leave because you think you have to.”
I had to admit, Kelsey’s deviousness should have pissed me off, but I had to admire her zeal.
“Wow, so it wasn’t enough to trick me into talking to Sam. Now you’re trying to get me to stay by showing me how many people want me to clean up their attics. You guys are good.”
Kelsey perked up, her face glowing.
“Does that mean you’ll think about it?” she asked hopefully.
I sat down, setting my soda on the table. The three of them stared at me, the expectation all over their faces. I knew what they wanted to hear, but I couldn’t give it to them. It was too late to change my mind. Wasn’t it?
“Sorry, guys. I really appreciate everything you’ve done, but….”
Daniel put his hand up and I stopped talking.
“Dude, just promise me something.”
“What?”
“Promise me you’ll think about it. Seriously, think about staying and giving this thing a go. You, having your own business, can work. Hell, you were super busy a few weeks ago.”
I picked up my soda and took a long sip, trying to keep myself from saying something I’d regret.
“Until everyone in town was convinced I was a stoner out to corrupt minors.”
Daniel rolled his eyes, like I knew he would.
“Wes, listen. Everyone in town knows the truth now. They know you’re not a druggie or a pusher or any danger to their kids. And people are calling because they want to hire you. This could work,” he said, excitement dripping from his words.
“It might. But there’s no guarantee,” I said, spinning the can on the table.
“Just promise me you’ll think about it,” he pleaded.
“Fine. I’ll think about it. Is there anything else the three of you are plotting?”
They shook their heads, which didn’t instill a lot of confidence.
“I guess you’ll just have to trust us, Wes,” Tina said with a smile.
“Not a comforting thought,” I replied.
A PROMISE was a promise, and at ten past midnight, I was still up thinking about Daniel’s words. When I wasn’t thinking about my family and their well-intentioned deviousness, I was thinking about what Sam had said. What they were all offering, well, it all seemed too good to be true. A new business and a guy who was crazy about me. All I had to do was stay in town and I could have it. But how long before it all blew up in my face? With my track record, the chances of alienating both Sam and Daniel were pretty good. Only then, if things went to hell, the offer from Shannon would be gone, and I’d be stuck knee-deep in a business that it would be too late to walk away from.
When I let myself think about being with Sam, all I could see were the many ways it could end in disaster, all of them caused by me. I’d ma
naged to sabotage all my relationships in interesting ways, from picking fights for no reason to the coup de grâce with Nick, packing up and trying to leave without so much as a word. People like me didn’t deserve nice, stable guys like Sam. I should stick with the online hookup world, safely away from the good and decent people out there looking for love. There were a million other reasons I was totally wrong for Sam too.
I mean, I knew nothing about being a parent. I knew even less about what it would be like to really date one. I was probably the last person who should have an influence on a child, even a teenager who would be in college in a few years. Dating Sam would mean being in Maya’s life, and that kid had been through enough already. She didn’t need to be subjected to me and my issues too.
And sure, Sam said he wanted me to stay. Well, sort of. But he’d offered no more than that. I had no idea what our “relationship” would look like. Now that everyone seemed to know about us, we wouldn’t have to sneak around anymore. But what if the sneaking around was what made us work? In the cold light of day, I was a lot less charming and a lot less cute.
Last on the list was the harsh reality of my biggest fear—Sam rejecting me and breaking my heart. No matter how responsible I felt for Michelle’s death, it was always a red herring, a way for me to justify my stupid behavior and never have to deal with the hard stuff about relationships. But that hadn’t really worked for me either. The trail of guys I’d left in my wake never even had the luxury of an explanation. When I’d told Sam the truth, finally said it all out loud to someone, the idea of shunning love because of Michelle seemed all the more ludicrous. And Daniel was right about one thing. Michelle would have never wanted me to use her as an excuse.
I tried closing my eyes, but I could still see Sam and the look on his face as he stood in Jocelyn’s doorway. Keep telling yourself that. I rolled over, sleep finally creeping up on me, and all I could think was, those would be Sam’s last words to me.
I CLOSED my car door and turned around. Daniel, Tina, and Kelsey were standing in a row, looking at me. Kelsey was crying but trying to act like she wasn’t. Tina was red-eyed as well, Daniel the only one who wasn’t doing everything in his power to make me feel bad. It was early, barely six in the morning, earlier than Kelsey usually got up for school, which ended a few days prior. But she insisted on being there to see me off on my journey. Her summer vacation had officially started, but she put off sleeping in just for me.