Pants tied, Malcolm looked up and stopped short. “Will?”
The flicker of surprise was brief, quickly hidden behind his usual cool composure, but Will had seen it. In an odd way, it made him feel special. He doubted any of the other boys had ever caught Malcolm by surprise.
“What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to talk to you, and I thought it’d be easier here.” Will stepped out of his shadowy corner.
“Why?”
“Because I didn’t trust you’d let me in after you heard what it is I have to say.”
“Better to ask forgiveness?”
“Something like that.”
“You don’t have to fear me, Will. I know I don’t put forth the most personable presentation, but I wish only the best for you.”
“I know. That’s why I’m here.”
Malcolm gestured for Will to resume his seat. Malcolm joined him, sitting in the chair opposite him after turning on a wall lamp.
“You have my attention.”
Even partially naked, Malcolm had the uncanny ability to make Will still feel underdressed, even though he wore his usual brown linen pants and a T-shirt.
“I want to thank you for what you did yesterday.”
Malcolm shook his head. “Nonsense. It was my responsibility.”
Will snorted. “That’s bullshit, and we both know it. There’s not another Alpha alive who would have blinked an eye at surrendering one of his Zeds to the Geneticists, especially a gimp.”
“I don’t believe that’s true. For one, your leg makes you no less valuable to me. Secondly, there are a great many Alphas who care for their Zeds.”
Will didn’t linger on the part about his leg. He hadn’t held much value even before the accident. Malcolm was only being kind, and Will didn’t want it to affect him. “Maybe in the weird circles you run in, but not out there in the real world. And even if they do exist, they wouldn’t risk the wrath of the Geneticists over something so trivial.”
“What Stanton demanded was hardly trivial.”
Hollowness opened in the pit of Will’s stomach. He didn’t need the reminder of what would have happened to him had Malcolm not intervened. “Not to a Zed, but it was to an Alpha. The fact that it mattered to you means a lot to me. I misjudged you.”
“No you didn’t. I’m the twisted freak you thought me to be, just in a different way than you expected. That’s all.”
Will examined Malcolm’s features. Surely he didn’t believe that? Nothing in his expression hinted at anything less than sincerity. Knowing he viewed himself that way only strengthened Will’s resolve. Malcolm had done so much for him, for all the Zeds in the house. He deserved to be cared for as well.
“We’ve drifted from the point.”
“And that is?”
“That I’m grateful to you, Malcolm, and I came here tonight to show my appreciation. I wondered how to thank the man who gave me my life, and nothing really came to mind.”
“It’s hardly necessary.”
“It’s more than necessary, but that’s not why I’m doing it. As I thought about it, I realized there’s only one thing you’ve ever asked me to do for you. I want to do it now.”
Malcolm’s face drained of the little color it had. “No.”
“Yes. If you won’t let me do it for you, then let me for my sake. I need to feel useful, to feel like there’s something I can give you to repay the kindness.”
“Your presence here is enough, I assure you.”
“I won’t take no for an answer.”
“That’s an odd way of thanking me.”
“You want it. And even if you won’t admit it, you need it. You’re wound tighter than a spring. When I was here last, you told me you wanted me to beat you. You may not have meant to say it, but the desire was real. I saw it in your eyes.”
“This is ridiculous, Will. It was inappropriate of me to say anything. I appreciate the gesture, but I won’t put you in that position.”
“You’re not putting me in any position. I’m here of my own free will. If you want me out, you’ll have to order me and know that my failure here will tear me up inside. I feel bad enough for the trouble I caused you at Eval. Don’t make it worse.” Will had him. It was an underhanded tactic, but Will had never shied away from stooping low to get what he wanted. Kaleana had told him Malcolm wouldn’t accept his help unless he was convinced it would benefit Will as much as himself.
Malcolm was silent, the skin around his eyes tight with strain. He had the appearance of a man who had been thirsty for so long he dared not believe the offer of water. Will would simply have to show him.
He stood. “Go get me your belt.” Kaleana had told him to be firm, to take charge. Malcolm would despise him for showing any weakness. There was a fine line to dance. Malcolm had his pride, and being dominated by a weak man would only injure him. It worked only if he could respect the person who beat him. Otherwise his own self-respect would suffer. The goal was to get him to give it all up, to relax and free himself. Will had to be strong enough to shoulder that responsibility.
Malcolm stared up at him. The pure ice radiating from his eyes challenged Will to step away. He couldn’t. If he so much as blinked, he’d lose the battle, and there would be no second chances. Will steeled himself and stared right back, lifting himself to his full height, ignoring the protests of his sore leg.
“Don’t make me tell you again, Malcolm.”
Will saw a softening in Malcolm’s eyes. It was apparent he wanted nothing more than to give in. Will silently pleaded for his trust.
Malcolm slowly rose to his feet. Nothing hinted at whether he’d be walking to the closet or ordering Will out of his room. He stood toe to toe with Will. Every instinct urged Will to back up, but he wouldn’t surrender a centimeter of ground.
With his usual deliberateness, Malcolm walked to the closet. Will sighed. The first hurdle had been cleared. If he could keep convincing himself he could do this, the night might just be a success. Malcolm returned, carrying a thick black belt, different than the thin ones he wore. Will held out his hand. He’d expected this. Kaleana had prepared him. Malcolm handed it over without a word or change in expression.
“Where would be easiest for you?” Despite Will’s attitude, Malcolm was in charge, and he needed him to know that. This was Will performing a service for his Alpha, nothing more.
Without a word, Malcolm faced the wall opposite the bed. Interesting. It seemed that bending over the bed would have been easier, but there was a certain dignity in the position he assumed.
“I’ve had more pricks stuck in me than I can count. There’s no reason to keep the pants unless you want them.” The eyes of the man who had exposed himself to Will all those nights ago didn’t seem like the type to want the pain muted by clothing. Modesty needn’t be an issue.
Malcolm removed his pants, folded them, and set them on the floor, every movement measured. If he was nervous, he gave no indication. He placed his forearms against the wall and leaned forward onto them. His legs moved shoulder-width apart. Will folded the leather in half, following Kaleana’s advice. She had said it’d be easier with a smaller implement. Apparently there was the risk of undue pain if the belt wrapped around. Will’d been in his fair share of scuffles with other Zeds, but it was an entirely different matter trying to deliver a beating that provided pain but not injury. He didn’t even let himself think about how absurd it was for him to beat an Alpha, much less beat one with anything less than full force.
“Are you ready?”
Malcolm nodded.
Will couldn’t afford to put it off. He didn’t want Malcolm thinking he had second thoughts. Besides, if he let too much time pass, the craziness of what he was about to do would paralyze him. He was committed. The damage from not following through would be irreparable. He raised his arm.
The leather landed with a snap. Air hissed between Malcolm’s teeth. Will had no idea how hard he’d swung. Too soft and Malcolm woul
dn’t get what he needed, leaving them both feeling awkward. Too hard and, well, Will didn’t actually want to hurt him.
Will repeated the action. This time there was no sound from Malcolm. What did that mean? There were no visible marks. The reaction from the first strike had probably been more surprise than anything. He could afford to put a little more into it. Besides, the sooner Malcolm had the pain he wanted, the sooner this could all be over.
His next three strokes were progressively harder, eliciting muted sounds. Will wished he could see Malcolm’s face. He doubted it would reveal much, but he needed all the help he could get.
The next hit sent Malcolm’s feet dancing forward. “Awww!” Too hard. Will took a step toward him, but Malcolm settled himself back before Will could get to him. At least he’d identified a boundary. Having a range to work in made it easier. From there, Will developed a steady rhythm. Marks appeared on Malcolm’s ass. He varied the intensity, noting the sound of Malcolm’s grunts. The longer he went, the more Malcolm could take. Will could see Malcolm’s hard length jutting in front of him, bobbing with the impact of the belt. The leather left behind welts. Will knew they’d be sensitive tomorrow. He’d sported such welts before. He’d worn worse. He knew the pain sitting would cause.
Unbidden, the laughing face of Russell, the first Alpha who’d taken pleasure in beating Will, danced before his eyes. Russell had taught him the difference between punishment and cruelty. Will remembered being forced to beg for the welts, for pain, for indignity. Russell’s taunting insults sounded in his ears, and Will’s anger drove the pace of the belt.
As the muscles in his arm began to burn, Russell’s round head morphed into the sharp, angular face of Vincent, the Alpha who’d thrown him away. The sneer in his expression was still fresh in Will’s memory. Vincent had been bad enough, but he also had sadistic friends. Will could still hear Vincent granting them permission to do whatever they wanted to him, showing less care than if he’d been loaning out one of his horses.
The day of the accident flashed before him, and Will shook his head to clear it of the image. The welts on Malcolm’s ass stood out livid on the pale flesh. If he pushed a little harder, they’d hurt even standing the next day. He remembered that pain, the reminder that he was worthless, the mark of being a Zed applied by an Alpha. Every movement hurt, the skin inflamed, raw, burning. No respite, no salve because he was just a worthless Zed. Not worth care.
Worthless.
The belt buckle clattered as it hit the ground.
Malcolm wasn’t worthless. He didn’t deserve to feel that way.
“No, don’t stop.” Malcolm’s body was drenched in sweat, his eyes closed so tightly that creases extended down the length of his face. “Please, just a little more.”
Will took in the sight of Malcolm’s ass. Angry welts crisscrossed the swollen skin. He was surprised he hadn’t drawn blood. “No.”
Malcolm’s eyes opened, the pupils dilated. Will noticed his Alpha’s erection hadn’t flagged. In fact, it dripped onto the marble floor. Relief flooded him. At least he hadn’t done too much damage. Still, he didn’t trust himself to pick up that belt again. Malcolm deserved better.
Will saw the struggle in Malcolm’s eyes, the realization that it was over. Malcolm turned his head away and stood up straight.
“Thank you for your time.” Malcolm’s voice lowered the temperature of the room a degree or two.
This had gone sour fast. “No, Malcolm. You don’t understand. I don’t trust myself. I want to do this for you, but if I pick up that belt again, I genuinely fear what I’ll do.” Malcolm simply stood, not looking at Will. It dawned on him that Malcolm wasn’t reaching for his pants because he was probably too sore to handle the touch of the cloth. Will’s gut twisted. “I’ve already hurt you too much. This went too far.” No reaction. Will ground his teeth. He had ruined this, he didn’t know what to do about it, and Malcolm wasn’t helping. “Dammit, look at me.”
Malcolm’s eyes were devoid of their earlier heat. “You did well. I appreciate the effort.”
The effort. The words burned. It wasn’t as though Malcolm had provided any kind of guidance. Will didn’t know anything about beating someone, but he did know what to do with a cock. Without even fully thinking it through, Will went to his knees, his busted leg causing him to fall more than sink, and took Malcolm’s cock into his mouth in one swift motion. The back of his throat convulsed at the touch of the head. He was out of practice, but it didn’t take much. Only a few minutes, and Malcolm spurted into his throat. Will swallowed it down, relieved. At least here was some tangible proof of success, that he hadn’t screwed everything completely.
“Why did you do that?” Malcolm’s voice was strangled above him.
“It’s what I’m here for.” As soon as the words left his mouth, he knew he had made a grave mistake. Malcolm’s lips parted. He shook his head, never taking his eyes off Will. The pale blue and amber were deep caves. Despair sank into their depths.
“No. No, it’s not.”
The whispered voice hit Will’s chest with such force that it stirred all his nerves. He scrambled to his feet. How had he messed this up so thoroughly? Malcolm had only ever asked this one thing of him. It was the only thing he had to give in thanks, and he hadn’t even been able to do it properly.
Neither of them spoke. Will was so lost in Malcolm’s eyes that he couldn’t hear a sound. They were as shocking now as they’d been back at Emporium. Those eyes that he hadn’t known would so profoundly change his life. He gazed into the face of the man who had saved him, and the image reflected back to him was sorely lacking.
His inadequacies attacked him until he fled. His room wasn’t much better, but at least Malcolm wasn’t there, reminding him of all the ways he’d failed. Will glimpsed the destructive force his anger had become. Syrus had seen it. They all probably had. After all these years, he finally had a life, and he couldn’t live it because at every step of the way, the Alphas of his past were still exerting their control, preventing him from moving forward. He should be able to show appreciation to someone he cared about without the voices of his past haunting him.
The soft ding-dong notification of his Glass Tab sounded. He snatched it from the table, holding his breath while he opened the message from Malcolm and activated the text-to-speech.
“Thank you. I’m sorry for my reaction. It was uncalled for. I hope you won’t let it diminish the importance of what you did for me tonight. You were wonderful. I am deeply grateful and will see you tomorrow.”
The female voice of his tab couldn’t sound more disconnected from the events of earlier. Will read the message himself, looking for some sign of Malcolm in it. He stared at the words, willing them to tell him what they meant. Was Malcolm simply trying to keep things from becoming even more awkward between them? Or were his sentiments genuine? No matter how long he stared, the words never changed. They merely mocked his lack of understanding.
Will folded the tab and threw it on his bedside table. His hands shook. He hadn’t done anything wrong, damn it. He’d only been doing what he’d been asked to. It was Malcolm’s fault if it didn’t work. Fucking Alpha and his twisted games. But it wasn’t Malcolm he was mad at. It hadn’t been his face he’d seen as he slashed the belt against his flesh over and over. No, that was precisely the problem.
17
Seventeen
There was something mesmerizing about a screen full of code. It could put Malcolm into a trance. He longed to sit in front of his Glass Screen and watch the code, seeing himself staring back in the reflection, letting hours pass by while he escaped the world.
After last night, he’d been happy to have a meeting that kept him away from breakfast. Will wasn’t at fault for what had happened, but it would still be awkward. He knew Will felt he had failed somehow, but Malcolm didn’t know how to convince him that wasn’t true. All he had come up with was that thoroughly inadequate message. It had been honest, but Will would have a hard time seein
g it. The pain that still radiated through his ass when he moved or sat gave him a certain pleasure he couldn’t attain any other way.
On the way back from the meeting, Kaleana had suggested they take a picnic lunch to the beach. Given the stress of the last few days, Malcolm agreed, but he wished now that he could send everyone on without him. It didn’t seem fair to ruin Will’s fun.
Kaleana came into the office, already dressed in her swimsuit and cover-up. “This office doesn’t miss you when you’re gone. The same can’t be said for the rest of this house. Now go change. You don’t need to wear a suit to the beach.”
Malcolm forced himself not to look back at his desk. In his bedroom, he pulled out a black collarless shirt and black linen pants from the closet. A dark red dress shirt was the only bit of color in his wardrobe. It had been a gift from Kaleana, so he kept it even though he never wore it. Color had never held any appeal to him, and he had rejected all traces of it when he was seventeen. Having two differently colored eyes was enough for him.
Dressed, he didn’t look all that different than he had at his morning meetings. The only way to tell he was going to the beach was the black flip-flops. As soon as the boys saw him, they’d know where they were going even if Kaleana hadn’t told them yet. His fair skin contrasted against the material, an echo of his monochrome room. He had often wished he had a more tan skin tone, something that looked a little healthier like many of the other Alphas. His long, lean muscles that always seemed to remain firm and eschew excess fat were the only Alpha-like physicality he possessed.
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