Will lost track of time. For all he knew, the sun would soon be rising. Or maybe the boys were still in the lounge, blissfully unaware of the scene playing out above them. It didn’t matter. Malcolm’s sobs quieted. He hadn’t said a word since he’d shouted Billy’s name. Will wondered if he was so unguarded that he would fall asleep on Will’s leg. It was wishful thinking. As the silence grew, he could practically see the gears turning in Malcolm’s head, carefully reconstructing his protective walls brick by brick. When he lifted his head, clarity was back in his eyes, the darkness hopefully cried out instead of reburied.
“Don’t even think about it. Don’t you dare open your mouth and thank me as if I passed you the salt at dinner.”
A flicker of something, perhaps humor, crossed Malcolm’s face. The lips that were normally set into a stiff, straight line were more fluid, as if they floated in all the tears he’d released.
“Come up here and rest your head on the pillow. I’ll get the gel.”
Malcolm moved as little as possible to get his legs onto the bed and settled in his normal sleeping position. “I don’t need it.”
“It’s a good thing you like pain. You practically invite people to smack you.” Will put on a pair of medical gloves and grabbed the gel.
“Kaleana has said the same on many occasions.”
“You realize you’re the luckiest Alpha in the world to have her. If anyone has ever been in need of a good companion Zed, it’s you.”
“Yes. I am inexplicably lucky.”
Malcolm hissed as the cool gel touched his upper back. Will squirted the contents of the bottle all over Malcolm’s backside and spread it over every bit of skin that had come in contact with the belt. He wanted to give it a chance to work a little on the surface before he rubbed it in.
“Lucky your prick of a father got her for you. Her loyalty to you isn’t luck, though. You earned it.” He emptied the last of the container and made a mental note to ask Kaleana to get some more. She probably had some stashed away in the basement. They should order the stuff in bulk. “Why couldn’t you have a Med Machine in the house like every other Alpha in the world?”
“I don’t need one.”
“Of course not. Most people would think a man who seeks pain for fun would have a greater need than most for one.”
“Zeds can’t use them.”
The simple truth brought Will up short. He should have guessed. It was amazing Malcolm even had the Necca gel since Zeds weren’t allowed that either. Kaleana likely insisted on it. Good woman. Will wondered if Malcolm would even still be alive if he didn’t have Kaleana to keep an eye on him. The idea of an Alpha foregoing a Med Machine because Zeds weren’t allowed to use them was absurd, but it made perfect sense in this topsy-turvy world Malcolm had constructed inside his own four walls.
Will knew better than to point out that there was no benefit to the Zeds in him denying himself the benefits of being an Alpha. Instead, he went to the bathroom. Once his gloves were thrown away, he started the bath water.
“I’m too tired to take a bath.”
“No one asked you.” Will checked the water to make sure it was cold enough and threw some towels in the tub. Once he rubbed the gel in, he’d use the towels to help with the heat and swelling. With a fresh pair of gloves on, he went back to the bed. The amount of nerve he had to build up to rub the gel in surprised him. It’d be easy if he could just picture Malcolm as one of the numerous other Alphas Will had come in contact with, or maybe as Geneticist Stanton, but Will wouldn’t allow himself that. It’d make it easier on him, but it wouldn’t be better—for either of them. Besides, Malcolm never made anything easier on himself.
He massaged the gel into Malcolm’s skin, using the lightest pressure possible while still being firm. It wouldn’t be enough. He needed the gel to get down into the muscle. He knew Malcolm wouldn’t mind the application, but that didn’t help Will.
Malcolm groaned as Will increased his pressure to reach the muscle. Even given Malcolm’s love of pain, the groans were different. Will heard a high-pitched keen behind them. There was no denying that this hurt, and not in a good way. Will worked quickly and thoroughly. The sweat that pooled on Malcolm’s back and slicked his skin made it harder to get the gel to absorb. Will should have dried him with a towel before applying it, but it was too late now.
“I’ll be right back.” Will trashed the second pair of gloves and retrieved a towel from the bath, wringing out the excess water. “This is going to be cold, even more so because your skin’s so hot.”
“Stop fussing. I’m fine.”
“My rules. Besides, even with my bum leg I think I could take you in a fight right now if it came to it.”
“Ah, a bully then. Just like Kaleana.”
“Yes, and proud of it. I need to get the swelling down. If you don’t like it, then you should have bought yourself a Med Machine. I’m sure a few minutes with it would have you all better. But if you want to needlessly suffer like Zeds, you’re getting the cold towel treatment like every Zed who’s ever taken a beating.” With that, he laid the towel over Malcolm’s back, covering him from neck to thigh. Even though he tried to be as careful as possible, he knew from experience that it wouldn’t help.
“Take it off.” The air hissed between Malcolm’s teeth with each breath.
“No. You’re telling me you can handle the savagery I just put you through, but you can’t handle a cold towel?”
“Different kind of pain.”
“Well, you got what you wanted. Now you have to pay the price. Be foolish enough to ask for such a hard beating without a Med Machine, and this is what you get. Settle down. I’d wager you’re just upset I’m cutting off your afterglow.”
Will read from the glint of surprise in Malcolm’s eyes that he was right. From observation and what Kaleana had told him, he knew the pleasure Malcolm got from a beating largely came after the initial sensation of an individual strike. Will remembered learning from a Zed once that the body supposedly released some kind of chemical in response to pain that could make a person feel near euphoric if released in high enough quantities. Will had thought he was crazy at the time. After a beating, he just hurt, but clearly he and Malcolm were different in that regard.
Will pulled the towel off after a few minutes, unsurprised to find it warm, and changed it for a fresh one. He did this two more times before he was satisfied with the amount of time it took for the towel to warm. When Will removed the last towel, he ran a fresh bath of cold water in case he would need it again later and dried Malcolm.
“A sheet probably won’t feel pleasant, but you’re likely to sweat in your sleep, and I don’t want you catching a chill.” Will removed his own clothing and got in the bed.
“What are you doing?”
“You didn’t think I’d do this to you and then leave, did you? Really, Malcolm, you should know me better. If you’d like, I can put my clothes back on.”
“No, but you don’t need to stay.”
“Yes, I do. The thought of you waking in pain without anyone here bothers me. I’ll stay until I’m too tired, and then Kaleana will sit with you. If your back heats up or swells too much, we’ll repeat the cold towel treatment.”
“You two fuss too much.”
“Or not enough.” Will situated himself under Malcolm the way he had last time, careful not to touch his back. He loved feeling Malcolm’s head on his chest, his hair beneath his fingers. The position gave him a sense of purpose and belonging unlike anything he’d ever felt. “Besides, it might do you good to talk. I was serious when I said this is the last time this kind of thing is happening. I’m not going to let you spiral to that depth, not on my watch, so you’d better get used to talking through your problems. You can start now.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“See, that’s what we call a lie, and it accomplishes only three things. One, it insults me, which is unfortunate because I don’t think that was your intent. You either
think I’m too stupid to know that you’re lying or that I don’t care. Two, it displays a lack of trust. That’s problematic because I meant it when I said I wanted you to start relying on me to give you what you need. I did this tonight so that someday I could do it again for your pleasure. If you can’t trust me, then I can’t do that. Three, you’re cheating yourself out of something that I think you want and need. You’re willing to trust me to deliver a beating, but you’re not willing to trust me with something more valuable and beneficial. It’s a slap in the face. If you don’t want to talk about it, fine, but just say so. Don’t undermine everything we’ve been through by lying to me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Good. Now, is there anything you want to talk about?” Will massaged Malcolm’s scalp. His hair felt just as thick and luxurious as it looked. He didn’t want to rush Malcolm, but he also didn’t think the other man would open up without some prodding. The silence could only mean that Malcolm wanted to talk but didn’t know how. Will didn’t think he’d have any problem saying he didn’t want to. “Is it really done? Did you really reach the place you needed to be? Or did you just need it to stop?”
More silence, but Will was patient. If Malcolm didn’t answer the question, fine. At least he knew Will was available.
“No, I got there.”
“What was that like?” Will counted in his head to keep himself from speaking further. He reached thirty-seven before Malcolm spoke.
“You masturbate, correct?”
Quite an interesting technique for steering the conversation. “Yeah. The sterilization drugs don’t take away that urge.”
“Of course not. There’s that moment afterward when you’re sated, and you don’t really think about it anymore. You don’t desire it. You’re just relieved and maybe a little drowsy. But you know, given enough time, you’ll want it just as badly again as you did before. It’s like that.”
“So you’re good for now, but you’re worried it’s going to get just as bad again?”
“I know it will. It could be six months or six years from now, but it’ll happen.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’ll have to do better than that.” He reached ninety-three before Malcolm spoke this time. The protracted silence led him to listen carefully when Malcolm finally broke it.
“The logical part of me knows that what happened to Billy wasn’t my fault. But that doesn’t change the fact that if I hadn’t loved him, he would still be alive.”
“No he wouldn’t. How many old folks’ homes for Zeds do you think are operating? I thought you knew yours is the only one. You can’t keep taking on guilt for things that aren’t your fault. I won’t let you get away with it.” Will was appalled, but not incredibly shocked, that Malcolm felt that way. No wonder the man worked so hard to keep his distance.
“If it was a matter of the mind, I could control it better.”
“It must drive you crazy not being able to control your emotions.”
“I keep them in check.”
“That’s the problem. Did you ever let yourself mourn Billy’s death? Did you even have time to? From what Kaleana says, you left home right after it happened.”
“What was I supposed to do? Wallow in self-pity? Feeling sorry for myself couldn’t bring him back.”
“Nothing ever will. But you’ve been running ever since, haven’t you? Maybe if you work harder, save more Zeds, you’ll make up for it.” The tragic realization dawned on Will.
“I won the genetic lottery. I won’t squander it. It’d be disrespectful to his memory.”
“What’s disrespectful to his memory is you blocking yourself off, making yourself miserable, holding to this ridiculous belief that your love somehow kills everyone it touches. Look around you. You’re the one damn ray of hope in this world for people like me. I still go to sleep every night fully expecting to wake up in Emporium’s back room.”
“I won’t let that happen.”
“I know. In a world where I shouldn’t know anything other than that life isn’t fair for people like me, I do know that. You’ve given me that, Malcolm. Your love, whatever small measure you feel for me, has given me that. So get over yourself. Stop thinking that you have power over the Geneticists, over your father, over a system you’re as much a victim of as the rest of us. It’s arrogant, foolish, and damned aggravating.”
Malcolm looked at him, his eyes unguarded, with no sign that Will’s words had sunk in. “You look so much like him.”
“But I’m not him. Loving me won’t endanger me, whether you love me the way you do the others or something more. The only thing you could ever do to hurt me is lie to me. I want this, Malcolm. I enjoy our time together. I hope we’ll have happier times together, but whenever I’m with you, I want to know you’re with me, not Billy’s memory.”
“Don’t worry about that. I said you look the same, but you’re nothing like him.”
Inexplicably, the words pricked. Had Will misjudged the situation? He knew Malcolm had been in love with Billy. He didn’t expect to ever replace him and didn’t even really want to, but he’d hoped Malcolm might share his affection. It was a hope birthed by the idea that he had once loved someone like him. “Really?”
“Yes. He was timid as a mouse. The epitome of a submissive Zed.” Malcolm seemed to want to say more, but his voice wavered on the last word. Will didn’t expect he’d say anything else until his voice was under control.
It would have been nice not to know the difference. It made what happened to Billy all the more tragic. No wonder Malcolm carried so much guilt. If an Alpha ever decided to kill Will, he’d at least make sure he’d done something to really deserve it before they snuffed him out. He’d spent weeks at Emporium planning exactly how he’d fight back when he was finally taken from his cage. He’d never been the sweet submissive kind, the kind Alphas liked to treat nicely, the kind that might have been kept for his sweet temperament even after being disfigured.
“Your back is hot again. I should do the towel treatment one more time. That way, you might be able to sleep through the night.”
Malcolm nodded, and Will fetched a towel from the tub. Placing the towel on Malcolm’s back, he winced at the swollen flesh. The affected areas were a mottled mess of bright red, purple so deep it appeared black, and white edges. Signs of suffering that didn’t even come close to touching the depth of sorrow in the man lying before him. Such a gentle, caring man who felt so deeply he appeared not to feel at all. So different from Will in every way.
He removed the towel and replaced it with another. The Necca gel was working, but it wasn’t designed to heal this level of damage. Why would it be when other advanced technology was so readily available? Most Alphas had their own Med Machines, and Betas could access them freely at hospitals. Necca gel was meant for the bumps and bruises of rambunctious children who didn’t want to sit still for a Med Machine or swallow a pill. When Will peeled the second towel away, he knew there wasn’t much more he could do. His helplessness enraged him. How dare Malcolm’s father have hurt such a gentle boy? How dare he force Will to become a man who could inflict this kind of damage? How dare he kill an innocent Zed?
Malcolm seemed to sense his anger as Will rejoined him in bed. Instead of resting his head back on Will’s chest, he locked an inquisitive gaze on him.
Will gritted his teeth, not wanting to speak in anger. He drew his lips into a line, considering his words. “If you value your father’s life, you’ll make sure I never meet him.”
“I haven’t seen him since I left home. He lives at the other end of New Cali. I wanted the entire nation-state between us when I left.” Malcolm settled his head down so Will couldn’t see whether that saddened or gladdened him. Just as well. Will didn’t want to know.
“Good. I need someone to focus my anger on. I enjoy fantasizing about the ways I’d make him pay for what he did to you.”
“Or you could just let your anger go. It does n
othing for you.”
“All right. You give up your self-loathing and guilt, and I’ll give up my anger.”
Will resumed massaging Malcolm’s scalp. Drowsiness began to fog the edges of his mind. This dreadful day was finally coming to a close. He’d stay as long as he could keep his eyes open, and then he’d call Kaleana. He’d almost forgotten what he’d said when Malcolm’s whisper broke the silence.
“I’m beginning to think that might be possible.”
24
Twenty-Four
Wakefulness came gradually. Sleep had been pleasant, deep, and entirely refreshing. Beneath his cheek wasn’t the softness of his pillow but hard warmth and a heartbeat that called him from dreamland with the steadiness of a metronome.
Malcolm stirred and was answered by bolts of pain running down his back. Ah, yes, he remembered. When he moved again to look up at Will, the pain was less. He expected it now, even anticipated it. The dull ache left over after movement dispersed the stiffness became a delicious sensation that Malcolm would enjoy the rest of the day if he could keep Will from applying more of that blasted Necca gel.
Will. Soft, green eyes smiled down at him with concern. There were worse ways to wake. “Were you here all night?”
“No. Kaleana and I traded off. I hope you don’t mind. Like I said, I couldn’t stand the thought of you waking in pain without someone here.”
“I don’t mind. Kaleana’s seen me like this before.”
“I figured. The sleep talking did surprise me.”
“What?” It was much too early for surprises.
“You talk in your sleep. It’s quite adorable. Who knew a man of so few words during the day would have so much to say at night?”
“What exactly did I say?” He’d never considered that he might talk in his sleep. There had to be some way to control it.
“I couldn’t tell. It was mostly gibberish.”
Thank the Spark. This was exactly the kind of thing he tried to avoid by keeping people at a distance. Intimacy presented a security risk. He rose from the bed, tentatively easing each muscle into movement before committing it to the task. Once the initial pain faded, the glow consumed him. As long as he didn’t think about why he’d had this particular beating, it wasn’t an unpleasant feeling.
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