There was that slight edge of danger that hung around Malcolm, the one that made Will glad he was on the right side of Malcolm’s affections. “We’ll keep each other safe now.”
An alarm pinged from the table.
Malcolm’s lips formed a slight smile. “It’s time for dinner.”
“Fuck dinner.” Will retrieved his tab and read the message to Kaleana aloud as he typed it. “Malcolm and I aren’t coming. We’re clearing some things up, and then I’m taking him to bed.” He folded the tab and tossed it back on the table. Then he proceeded to do just that.
41
Forty-One
Will’s breath against his chest had evened out to a steady rhythm more than ten minutes ago, but Malcolm couldn’t join him in sleep. He didn’t even really want to. He never thought he’d have the chance to hold him like this again, and now that he did, the thought of sleeping seemed ludicrous. He was well and truly committed now. From the beginning, he’d been devoted to Will and his well-being, but now he’d committed them as partners.
Partners.
It was something he’d never thought he’d have, then Will had barged into his life, refusing to take no for an answer. At least one of them had the courage and tenacity to do what was right. He still worried about the danger this placed Will in, but already his burden felt lighter. Tears streamed down his face. It seemed there was an endless well of them.
He’d found someone to love all of him, someone he found effortless to love back. Someone to challenge and support him. His hold tightened around Will’s shoulders. He needed him close, to remind him that this was real, that he wasn’t still sitting at the piano, despairing of ever being able to bring another person into his life.
Before he knew it, simple tears turned to muted sobs as he tried not to wake Will.
“Shhh. It’s all right. I’m here.” Will’s voice comforted him, warmed him, chased the tears away.
“I love you so much.”
“I know. You always have. You don’t have to keep anything from me. I understand why you did before, but those days are over. We’re in this together now.”
“I thought I could handle it on my own, but I can’t. There were so many times I wanted to tell you.”
“I know.”
“Promise me you’ll be careful. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you. I don’t think I could ever go back to life before.”
“I promise. But what are you worried about, Malcolm? You’re not sending me off to the front. Nothing’s really changed other than the fact that I can help you. You don’t have to put so much energy into keeping your secret.”
Malcolm didn’t know how to explain that in some ways they were on the front lines of a battle that had been raging for a long time. So many fears passed through his mind. As an Alpha, he could protect himself, but he knew his protection of Will only extended so far. So many things could go wrong.
“Share with me, Malcolm.”
“I’m afraid of being found out, of the Geneticists using you to get to me. I’d never forgive myself if harm came to you.”
“Would you sell me if I asked you to?”
Malcolm’s heart froze. He’d often wondered if he’d be willing to sell his Zeds for their safety. The thought scared him so badly that he’d always abandoned it before coming to an answer. He’d always been able to justify buying them because he knew they were condemned to die if he didn’t. But with Will asking, he knew. He didn’t want to say it. He wanted to delay. His answer came in a whisper. “Yes.”
“All right. I trust you. If I ever asked you to sell me, you’d do it. I know that. Here’s what you need to know: I’ll never ask you to. So if by some chance you’re ever discovered, if anything ever happens to me, it won’t be because of your actions. You’ve given me a choice. You’ve left the exit open for me to walk through, and I’m not going anywhere. Don’t rob me of taking responsibility for my actions like I’m just some Zed following orders. I’m not your Zed; I’m your partner. You can’t force me to take on that role. I do it willingly.”
Will’s words lightened Malcolm’s burden even more. He knew if it ever came down to it, he’d still feel guilt if anything happened to Will, but he could temper it by honoring Will’s choice.
“Does that help?”
“Yes.”
“Good.” He yawned. “Now, since I’m up, it appears I need to take another crack at tiring you out. You haven’t slept at all, have you?”
“No, but don’t worry about it. I don’t want to sleep. I want to hold you.”
“You have the rest of forever to do that.”
“I know, but tomorrow we’ll go back to work, and we’ll need to spend some time with the family. You really gave them a scare.”
“I’m sorry for that.”
“Don’t be. We just need to reassure them that you’re fine. That we’re fine. I don’t think we’ve fooled anyone.”
Will laughed. “Definitely not. To assume we have would insult their intelligence.”
“The thought of something coming between us can’t be comfortable for them. We need to show them there aren’t any divisions.”
Will yawned again.
“And you’re tired. Go back to sleep, and let me hold you and revel in how lucky I am. We’ll have all the sex you want later.”
Will nodded. His eyelids drooped, and it didn’t take long for him to succumb to sleep.
Malcolm entwined his legs with Will’s, pulling him closer. It was over. The years of holding back a part of himself were done. Somewhere, he liked to think Billy looked on him with approval. With Will in his arms, Malcolm felt he had finally been forgiven for Billy’s death. He had to be. There was no way he’d have the good fortune of finding such a partner otherwise. Will wouldn’t stay with a killer.
Except, he wasn’t a killer. He hadn’t been forgiven because there was nothing to forgive. The way he thought about his own life altered. It was as if Will had held up a mirror and forced him to see the reality. Malcolm wasn’t a bad person. Flawed, yes, but inherently good. Together, he and Will could have a great life.
But he had more people in his life than just Will. The boys were family as much as Will was. The time had come to tell them about Panacea. The only reason he’d kept it a secret was the fear that they would despise him, but it insulted them to believe that their love for him was weaker than Will’s. It was different but not weaker. He needed to have faith in them, let them into his life as they’d let him into theirs.
The Spark of Life Movement was a different matter. There was no reason to endanger them. He could continue to keep that secret. However, he couldn’t hold anything back from Will. He resolved to tell him everything, to hide nothing from him. They’d be true partners.
With his new resolves in mind, he closed his eyes to sleep. He let Will’s love enter his heart and lighten the dark space that had been cast in cold shadow since he was seventeen. For the first time he could remember, Malcolm felt truly whole.
42
Forty-Two
“You have to tell the others.”
Will had spent the day learning from Malcolm about the movement and how it operated. While Kaleana was out of the office, Malcolm had shown him everything on his computer. Still, they’d only scratched the surface. It would take time for Will to learn it all, but Malcolm had shown him he wouldn’t hold anything back. Now they sat together in the loft, their usual afternoon tryst forgotten as they continued to talk.
“No. I already told you that I’ve decided to tell them about Panacea, but I can’t tell them about the movement.”
“You can trust them. Any one of them would give his life for you.”
“That’s precisely the problem.”
Clarity dawned. “Oh, now we’re getting somewhere.”
Malcolm shook his head. “It’s not safe for them to know. If I’m ever caught, it’s better if they don’t know anything.”
“Are you purposely deluding yourself, or are you really th
at naïve? If that ever happens, they’re dead no matter what they know. If you’re concerned about them revealing something under torture, that’s a different matter, but I don’t think it’s likely. Even if they did, the network’s set up to account for it. They wouldn’t have enough knowledge to endanger operations, and as soon as you failed to check in, everyone would change their code names as a precaution.”
“I’ll know if they’re moving in. There are plans in place for me to disappear in that instance. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t want to bring you in. If I have to run, I can hide out indefinitely. You miss one Eval, and you’ll die.”
“If you disappeared, they’d use your Zeds to draw you out. They’ll torture them first for information and then to try to force you to return.”
“One of my agents is ready to take in my Zeds if something were to happen.”
“No one would be able to protect them. You know that. It’s why you’ve worried so much. They’ve been in danger since the moment you bought them.” Will watched the guilt sink into Malcolm’s eyes. “I’ve wondered if that’s one of the reasons you buy us freaks—we were all going to die anyway. At least let them know about the danger. If you want to relieve your guilt, make it their choice. Tell them, and if they’re not comfortable with the danger, give them the option to be sold. I think you’ll be surprised by what happens. If they want to stay, give them the opportunity to join the fight.”
“No. Telling them is one thing, but I don’t want them actively involved.”
“It will give them a sense of purpose. They deserve to know that they’re not just frittering away their time here with no hope of change. Let them take part.”
“I don’t want them feeling obligated to help.”
“They know you won’t expect it of them. Besides, if they did want to help—and I’m confident they will—think of all we could accomplish, even if all they did was start helping out with Panacea to free us up for the movement. With all of us working together, there’s a real chance that we’ll see change in our lifetime.”
Will saw Malcolm think it over. He’d have to roll the idea around in his head, look at it from all angles.
“You’ve done great by all of us, Malcolm. There’s no denying that. But as wonderful as things are here, this isn’t really a life for them. You should know that. You could have had a life of leisure, but you chose not to. You needed a purpose. That’s what makes the difference between living and merely existing. The Zeds here are suspended in time, treading water, merely existing from one day to the next. It’s a happy existence, more than any of us ever thought we’d have, but you have the opportunity to give them a life, to give them the pride of working toward a goal, a sense of purpose. It’s selfish that you’re not willing to extend to them the same opportunity you took yourself.” If there was any way to convince Malcolm, it’d be by appealing to his sense of selflessness.
“Arguments were easier for me to win before I bought you.”
Will pointed a finger at him. “Hey, you knew that before you paid. I stared right into your eyes back at Emporium. Don’t act like you were caught unaware.”
“I’m a glutton for pain.”
“No big secret there.” Will smiled, letting the good humor last for a few moments before continuing. “I won’t betray your trust in me. I’ll never breathe a word of this to anyone unless you give me permission. But you need to tell them, Malcolm. They deserve to hear the truth from you.”
“And how much do I tell them?”
“All of it.”
“I was serious when I said I can only tell my spouse about my identity. I know you’re not exactly my spouse, but you’re the equivalent, so I felt justified in telling you. I can’t make such a justification with the others.”
“That’s fine, but they can know the rest.” Will liked being the only one who knew the truth about Malcolm’s secret identity. His stomach did a funny little jump whenever Malcolm referred to him as his spouse.
“All right. Will you be there with me?”
“Holding your hand.”
“When should I do it?”
“Now, before you have a chance to overthink it.”
Malcolm took a deep breath. “All right. Can you send a message to everyone to meet us in the lounge?”
Will nodded. “I’ll tell them to meet us there in thirty minutes.”
Malcolm tapped his fingers on the floor. Nervous energy vibrated off him. “I don’t think I can wait that long.”
Will took out his tab and sent the message. When he was done, he looked up at Malcolm. “Well you’re going to have to, because I’m fucking all that excess energy out of you first, and then we’re showering.” The surprise in Malcolm’s eyes was delicious. Will pulled Malcolm to him before he could protest and went to work.
43
Forty-Three
Stunned silence filled the lounge. Six pairs of eyes were riveted on Malcolm. He’d never been so nervous in his life. Will, true to his word, hadn’t let go of his hand since they’d left their room after showering. On his other side, Kaleana rested her hand on his knee. The physical contact had made it easier, and it was two fewer pairs of eyes staring at him.
Will had done a masterful job of draining some of his energy, which had helped. Even better was the lingering sting from some well-placed slaps and a slight burning from only using spit. They reminded him in a very physical way that he was loved. Will rarely let them only use spit, and Malcolm appreciated his concession. Even more, he appreciated that Will knew him well enough to know why he needed it. Holding to Will’s hand and the knowledge of what they shared, Malcolm had told all of his Zeds exactly what business took place across the divide and that he was an agent of the Spark of Life Movement actively working to undermine the Geneticists.
And that was when the silent staring had started. They’d agreed that Malcolm would lay it out and then let the Zeds have a chance to react.
Nick was the first to move. He’d never handled silence well. It was disturbing he’d been quiet this long. He shifted in his seat and looked around at the others, drawing their attention. He smiled and looked at Malcolm. “Oh, is that all? We thought for sure you two were going to finally announce that you’re officially together. We’ve been waiting for Will to start sitting next to you at the table. We figured until that happened, you wanted us to pretend like we didn’t know.”
Slowly, chuckles turned to laughter.
“You’re not even funny, Nick,” Carson said as he tried to gain control of himself.
“Not funny at all,” Tony agreed.
Malcolm even let himself be swept up in it. For all he knew, it was the last time they would all sit together like this.
After a minute, the room settled down, this time without the uncomfortable stares.
“Well?” Malcolm needed some kind of reaction.
Syrus stood, and Malcolm saw the glistening in his blank eyes. “I’ve never been more proud to be your Zed.”
Malcolm looked away. He wasn’t worthy of such words, not for merely coming forward and admitting his lies.
“Hear, hear.” Carson grunted.
“You’re l-l-like an ac-t-ual hero.” Stu’s open adoration was too much.
“It must have been so hard for you to keep this secret all this time.” Tony’s gentle voice washed over him. Not even a tinge of judgment.
Did they really not understand the danger he’d placed them in?
“What can we do to help?” Rufus stood with his arms folded over his chest, his eyes more earnest than Malcolm had ever seen them.
“Well, no matter what, you all have a choice to make. There are really three options. You can help if you like, but don’t feel obligated to. You don’t owe me or the movement or anyone else anything. Will’s convinced me, though, that some of you might like to help, that you could find some purpose in it. The second option is to just go on as you have been. Like I said, I don’t expect you to join the movement. I didn’t tell you about
this to recruit you. Life can go on as it always has. Finally, I want you all to understand the danger you’re in by being with me. If the government or the Geneticists ever found out what I’ve been doing, I’m not sure I could protect you. In fact, let’s just dispel all delusions and admit that I won’t be able to. If that ever happens, you will be tortured and killed. There won’t be any rescue from it. I can’t force you to live in that kind of danger, so if any of you would like new homes, let me know.”
“Are you st-st-stupid? Why would we l-l-leave?” Stu’s face twisted in hurt confusion.
“If I were an Alpha, I’d punch you for that insult, Malcolm.” The fierceness in Carson’s eyes stunned him.
“You certainly can if you like.”
“No, out of respect for those two.” Carson jerked his chin toward Will and Kaleana.
“Oh, I don’t mind.” With that, Kaleana slapped the back of Malcolm’s head.
“Oww.” Malcolm rubbed at the spot with his free hand. “This is serious. I don’t doubt your love or loyalty. It’s just the reality of the situation.”
“Well, let’s get a look at the reality. How many for option one?” Tony made a show of counting as every hand in the room went up. “There you have it. Don’t even have to ask about the others.”
“What about the Betas. Do they know?” Nick asked.
“No, and they can’t. This is a family secret.”
Nick nodded his understanding. Malcolm looked to each person to make sure this point was clear. They all nodded in response, except for Syrus, who Malcolm knew would already be aware.
“When do we start? I don’t know how I can help, but you show me what needs to get done, and I’ll learn.” Carson said.
“Yeah, you’ll have to show us. Are we going to be allowed on the third floor now? Is that where we’ll work? I’ve always wondered what was up there besides your room and office. Does this mean we can go across the divide?”
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