by Jodi Thomas
Bethanie scolded herself. She would think of Josh no more. She was Ben’s wife in every way now.
When Bethanie awoke, Ben was gone. She dressed and went to the main room. He was, as always, at his desk working. She saw no change in his manner toward her, but she’d expected none. He left the house for the barns after breakfast without saying a word. Within minutes she heard his carriage pass.
At noon Ben returned. His face was clouded with thought as Bethanie moved silently around him. As she bent to pour his coffee, she caught him staring at her bodice. She reddened as she realized he must be thinking of last night.
Bethanie moved quickly away and returned to her chair.
“Beth.” He sounded gruff, as always. “I’ve hired another girl from a nearby farm to help you out around here. You and Ruth are working too hard. She will come two days a week. Leave some of the heavy work for her.”
“All right,” Bethanie answered, trying to concentrate on her food.
“I don’t want to see you doing the laundry or scrubbing floors on your hands and knees again,” he ordered.
“All right.” Bethanie frowned. “But I can handle the work.”
Ben threw his napkin down. “Hell, woman, won’t you let me be good to you?”
“I want no payment for what I did last night. It was my duty,” Bethanie answered. She didn’t want him doing anything for her. He would give her baby a name and a home. That was enough.
“I know that. I’m not trying to pay you like you were whoring. I’m only askin’ for a little peace of mind. You’re my wife, not a slave. If you can do your duty, I can do mine. You are mistress over one of the biggest ranches in Texas. You shouldn’t be on your knees cleaning the floors.” He pushed himself back from the table. “And for God’s sake, make yourself some new dresses. Those are too tight. I don’t want the hands gawking at you.”
“The way you do?” Bethanie asked, hoping her words stabbed his cold heart deeply.
Ben swung around and rolled from the room. Bethanie heard the front door slam and Ben’s voice yelling for Dusty to hitch up the buggy. Within minutes, she heard them driving away from the house, away from her.
She spent the rest of the day sewing and wondering if she’d gone too far. She ate dinner alone, knowing Ben must have preferred the campfire group to her company tonight. After sewing until her eyes could no longer focus, Bethanie undressed and crawled between the cold sheets of Ben’s bed.
Ben didn’t join her until well after midnight. He lowered himself beside her, making no attempt to touch her. The same scene was repeated each night for a week. He was cold, as always, to her during the day and lay without touching her each night. He made no comment about her new loose dresses, but Ruth said he had ordered more material brought out with the next supplies.
By Sunday, Bethanie was beginning to relax. Ben, for once, was in a good mood and even played a few games of checkers with her after dinner. They talked about horses, and both enjoyed the conversation. After saying good night, Bethanie retired to her bedroom to undress and Ben moved to his desk. As she combed her hair, she heard his chair in the hall. He paused at her door, but did not enter. She was thankful he had not insisted she share his bedroom. Here, she could dress in private. Perhaps he wanted the same privacy.
Ben pushed the door wide with his hand. “Come to bed,” he ordered without emotion.
The muscles along her shoulders tightened and her mouth went suddenly dry. She usually lay waiting for Ben to finish his paperwork. “I’ll be there shortly.” She acted as if his order had been a request as she stretched her neck trying to get enough moisture to swallow.
Fifteen minutes later, Bethanie crawled into Ben’s bed. He silently watched her. Bethanie tried to force a smile as she pulled the covers around her and turned her back to him.
Before she had time to warm the sheets beneath her, Ben’s hand touched her shoulder. He pulled her firmly on her back and slid his hand along her leg until her nightgown was twisted at her waist. His hand moved between her legs and pulled them apart. Bethanie closed her eyes in dread and braced herself for what she knew would happen next.
Bethanie raised her hand to her mouth and bit back a scream as Ben pushed into her body. He didn’t touch her breasts this time, and she was thankful. They were tender and growing larger from her pregnancy.
Ben’s urge was soon satisfied and he rolled from her onto his side. He was silent for a moment, but she could hear his breathing grow regular. “I see how much you hate this.” His voice was low in her ear. His fingers wiped the tears from her face. “Yet you don’t complain. I admire that. You’ve kept your word and slept with me. Now I give my word. I’ll not mount you but once a week. You need not fear me the other nights. Is that fair?”
Bethanie nodded as she pulled her gown over her legs. This duty of hers was humiliating and painful, but she could endure it once a week.
Ben propped his head on his elbow as he watched a steady stream of tears drifting down her face. “I know you may not believe me, but I have no wish to hurt you.” Ben touched her hair in an awkward, calming gesture. He’d never been a gentle man, but his small action showed his concern for her.
Bethanie turned her face into his hand. “I know, Ben.” Tears filled her eyes and ran in tiny rivers over her cheeks. Because there was no one else and she felt so all alone, Bethanie turned to this man beside her. She moved into his arms, and he held her for an hour as she cried. All the loneliness and fear she had felt these past weeks crumbled into tears. Ben never spoke, yet he patted her as a father strokes a heartbroken child. He held her until dawn, and no nightmares troubled Bethanie’s sleep. The hazy dream of being awakened and running during the night didn’t come while she slept so near her husband.
From that night on, Bethanie fell asleep on Ben’s shoulder. He would turn toward her and open his arm in silent invitation. She was thankful he never tried to kiss her, or touch her other than hold her. True to his word, once each week he would satisfy his need. As the weeks passed, Bethanie surprised herself and no longer cried.
Chapter Eleven
Windy summer days followed one another into fall like a string of dried leaves follows a dust devil down a shriveled-up creekbed. The men of Weston Ranch fought the drought as valiantly as they’d struggled with the downpours of spring. Weather was never the topic of ideal conversation, and was often one of the many problems on Bethanie Weston’s mind as she climbed from bed each morning and crossed the hallway to dress.
The north winds had begun to chill the morning air as Bethanie studied her reflection in the mirror for the hundredth time. Her stomach was rounded in the first display of motherhood. She knew she could keep the child a secret no longer. She had slept in Ben’s bed for two and a half months and was now almost four months pregnant. But babies come early all the time, she reasoned, as she tried to pull in her abdomen. She’d made all her dresses loose and shapeless, but they couldn’t conceal her for many more weeks.
“I’ll tell him next week,” Bethanie decided as she finished dressing. She tied her hair up into a bun and left her room thinking of breakfast. Now that the morning sickness was over, she found herself constantly hungry.
She enjoyed breakfast with Ben, as their time together aged. He was formal, as always, but liked talking about every detail of the ranch. The more she showed an interest, the more Ben explained ranching. Even the quiet evenings with Ben working at his desk while she sewed brought a calming peace across her mind.
Bethanie smiled as she walked across the polished floor of the main room. The morning sun darted through the crisp lace curtains and danced over each piece of rich wood furnishings. An open front door shot a triangular shaft through the room that ended at the base of the mammoth fireplace.
“Beth!” Ben shouted from the porch. “Beth, get out here!”
Bethanie hated being ordered, but had decided weeks ago that Ben meant no unkindness by his manner.
“I’m here,” Bethanie answered a
s she stepped to the door. Squinting at the morning sun, she saw her husband before her. His face was now a golden brown, thanks to Dusty’s outings. His hair curled slightly over his white collar and she wondered how he would react if she offered to cut it for him.
Ben watched her a moment, then stated, “Follow me.” He pushed himself down the incline at the edge of the porch. Bethanie watched several ranch hands come out into the morning air and stand on the bunkhouse porch.
Ben moved to the barn as Bethanie followed, wondering what could be amiss. He stopped his chair beside the barn door and moved his hand up to the latch.
“Stand back,” Ben yelled at Bethanie.
Just as she stepped beside Ben’s chair, the barn door flew open. Two men ran forward with a beautiful smoky gray horse dancing between them. The huge animal pulled at the ropes about his neck and snorted as he tried to free himself of the pesky cowboys.
“Oh, Ben!” Bethanie laughed. “He’s magnificent. I’ve never seen such a wonderful animal.” She’d loved horses all her life, and knew this one to be a fine stallion. Just watching him prance brought a rush of excitement to her blood.
Ben smiled one of his rare lopsided grins. “It will take a month or so to break him for gentle riding. Then he’s yours.”
“What?” Bethanie turned to Ben, not believing his words.
“I bought him for you. No one else will ride him.” Ben sounded aggravated that she doubted him. “I’ll see you riding him in a month’s time.” He pointed at the horse as determination wrinkled his face.
Bethanie watched the spirited animal. She hadn’t been on a horse since she married. He would be wonderful to ride, but in a month she would be too far along with the pregnancy. The image of her mother trying to help a woman who had fallen from a horse during pregnancy flashed through her mind. The woman had almost died from loss of blood and heartache over a stillborn child.
Bethanie’s hand spread slowly across her abdomen. She realized she would protect with her life the child that grew unbidden within her. “No.” She swallowed hard, aware of several ranch hands watching her. “No” seemed to be all she could force from her lips. She began to back away and saw the anger in Ben’s face. All eyes were staring at her in disbelief. She couldn’t just announce to everyone that she was pregnant. Yet, no one ever questioned Ben’s word, and she was doing so in front of all his men.
Suddenly, she couldn’t face Ben. She couldn’t bear to see his cold hard eyes judging her and finding her wanting.
Bethanie turned and ran as fast as her long skirts would allow toward the house with Ben’s angry shouts echoing around her. She paid no heed to his commands as tears blurred her vision.
She flew to her room and threw herself on the quilted bedspread. The warm, peaceful room did little to comfort her now. Embarrassment burned her face as she buried her head in the pillows. She’d always dreamed of having such an animal, and now she couldn’t ride him. What a magnificent gift given to her not by the man she loved, but by the man who thought he owned her. She’d tried to be a good wife, yet now she had humiliated him in front of everyone. In trying to give her baby a name, she’d managed to make everyone unhappy.
Bethanie didn’t hear Ben’s chair until it banged into her bedroom door, almost tearing the wood from its hinges. She lifted her head as he shoved his way into her room slamming the door behind him. She’d never seen him so angry. His face twisted with rage as he stopped beside her bed.
Ben yanked her into a sitting position. His long, strong fingers dug into her arms like an iron vise. “Why won’t you take my gift?”
His powerful hands held her painfully. “Do you hate me so much?” He began shaking her. His narrowly controlled violence raged like a flash flood across the crevices of his angry features. “Do you hate the thought of being married to a cripple so much that you can’t even take a gift from me?” Ben pulled her toward him until she could feel his words upon her face. “Why must you accept unwillingly everything I do for you?”
Bethanie was so frightened by Ben’s rage, she hardly noticed his bruising grip. She’d seen him angry during the past months, but never uncontrollably as now.
“I know I’m not a full man,” he yelled. “But by God, I’ve tried to be a husband to you.”
Ben dropped his grip suddenly and pulled his hands back to his lap as if regretting having touched her. “I don’t understand. You.knew what I was when you married me, but you still act as if I am a jailor. Every time I get close to you, you endure my touch in distaste.”
He rubbed his hands up and down his legs as if to clean the feel of her from his palms. “I can take no more, Beth. Part of me wants to beat you, and another part wants to hold you forever. I thought I’d make you happy with the damn horse. But you won’t even take it; you hate me so.” His dark brown eyes bore a sadness, a sorrow deeper than she could fully grasp. “I can’t hold you, Beth…you’re free to leave. I’ll see you have enough money to go wherever you wish.” He lowered his chin to his chest and shaded his eyes from her gaze.
Bethanie rubbed her bruised arm and slid to the edge of the bed. “No,” she sobbed. She couldn’t stand seeing Ben defeated like this. He was a proud man, and he’d done nothing to deserve such pain. She had been so wrapped up in her own loss of Josh she hadn’t seen the fine, stubborn man before her. He was a strong man, who’d been trying to make her happy for months now. All his awkward efforts swam before her in her tears. The bedroom he’d insisted belong to her alone. The dresses. The hired girl. And now the horse.
“I won’t leave.” Her words were coming in gulps as the weight of her misjudgment settled upon her shoulders. “I don’t hate your touch, Ben. I’m your wife…I don’t hate you. I don’t want to leave.”
Ben raised his head. “Then why will you not accept the horse?”
“I want him, and I thank you for him.” With forced effort, Bethanie leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I’ll not leave you, Ben. You are a good husband and this is my home.”
“Then why did you run away?” Ben asked in a skeptical tone. His thick eyebrows knotted together as his dark eyes watched her carefully.
“I wanted to wait until later to tell you,” Bethanie began, her cheeks blushing red. There would be no other time; she must be honest now. “I can’t ride for a while. I’m going to have a child.”
“What?” Ben shouted, his knuckles turning white as he gripped the arms of his chair.
Bethanie placed her hands over his lean fingers as she sat eye level with him. “We are going to have a child.” She bit back her lip as a twinge of guilt from her lie passed over her.
“How long have you known?” Ben interrogated, still not sure she was telling the truth.
“A few weeks,” Bethanie answered, lowering her head. They had never talked about children. What if Ben didn’t want any? She was suddenly aware of the hundreds of things married people must talk about she and Ben had never discussed.
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Ben asked. His hand moved to capture hers in a swift, startling action.
“I didn’t know if you’d be pleased,” Bethanie answered in a whisper.
“Pleased, pleased!” Ben’s voice rose. “God, woman, I may explode with pleasure.”
Bethanie looked up at him and was surprised to see him smiling. He looked younger and truly happy for once. He raked his fingers through his black hair and stared at the ceiling. “I’ve always wanted sons, but I never hoped…You’ve made me very happy, Beth.” He thought for a moment, then laughed aloud. “You’re right, there’ll be no riding for you right now. I’ll pen the horse until after the baby comes.”
Bethanie smiled. “Thank you.” She could not believe her news had made him so happy. “I’m sorry I embarrassed you in front of the men.”
Ben seemed to have forgotten. “Forget it,” he began, then shook his head. “No, don’t forget it.” A grin took any sting from his words. “Don’t ever do that again. From now on, I want you keeping no secrets fr
om me. Understand?” His hand squeezed her fingers briefly. “So you don’t want to leave me,” he said to himself.
Bethanie wiped the tears from her eyes. “No, Ben, I want to stay.” Ben must have thought she’d felt trapped here for these past months. If she were honest with herself, she had felt that way many times. But not now. Her garden was planted, her child was growing inside her. This was her home and Ben her husband.
Ben leaned closer and touched her face. “You kissed me,” he whispered. “No one’s kissed me since my mother died.”
“But you’ve surely had other women?” Bethanie asked, amazed by his confession.
“Sure. Ones that charge by the hour,” Ben answered. “Who else would want to sleep with me?”
Suddenly Bethanie understood this man beside her. He had never loved, never felt a woman’s warmth. She hadn’t thought of it.before, but others had never touched him, and she’d fallen into the same pattern—partly because of his gruff manner, but partly due to the chair he was bound to. It must have been hard for him at first to endure his handicap and others’ hands-off attitude. She lifted her head to cup Ben’s bearded face. “When I sleep with you, Ben, I swear it’s not out of pity or for a reward.” She knew there was no pleasure in their lovemaking, but sleeping in his arms brought her comfort. His strong arms shielded her from the loneliness of her life here in this wild country, and her endless nightmare was held at bay by his presence.
Tears formed in her strong man’s eyes. “I believe you. I’ll not mount you while you’re pregnant, Beth, if you’ll stay in my bed.” He was no longer demanding, but asking.
Bethanie smiled to herself. He was learning as much about women as she was about men. A man can ask for the world and a woman gives it willingly, yet let him demand and watch her withdraw. “I’ll stay, Ben…When a baby moves inside a woman, another can feel it. Would you like that?”
“More than you know,” Ben answered as he pulled Bethanie to him. “I hope I didn’t hurt you.” He moved his hands up and down her arms.