Blake wished he could settle in with Tessa and the boys on a permanent basis, but something held Tessa back from a commitment. She loved him. He loved her. He loved her boys. All three of them. If Derek was his son, as he suspected, he could readily forgive her for keeping him secret. He understood. Sometimes his mom even scared him. But Mom and Tessa were getting along great now. What more did they need?
As she stepped out with a mug in each hand, he pushed all concerns aside and absorbed her beauty and warmth. He’d been alone for a long time. He could wait a few more days to get past this friends-only thing. There’d be time for that later.
“I am so keyed up from your success, Blake.” Tessa handed him a steaming mug and sat in the swing beside him. “I really didn’t expect so many people to show up.”
He grinned. “Didn’t think I could pull it off, did you?” Before she could deny her lack of faith in him, he said, “I saw you and Mom with your heads together several times tonight. What’s with that? You two becoming friends? Maybe telling secrets?”
Tessa stiffened beside him.
Chapter 15
T essa clutched the warm mug while her world tilted. He knew. Somehow he had figured out Derek was his son. And why not? It hadn’t been hard for Janice to see.
“Your mother has changed, Blake. And so have I. She did say she’d like for us to be friends.” Tessa forced herself to relax. If she ignored his comment about secrets, maybe he would forget. “So how many pizzas did you sell?”
Blake grinned. “If Robbie didn’t count them, I don’t know. But we did well and the ice cream bar was a great hit.” He settled back in the swing, and Tessa breathed easier. “I thought we were going to run out of supplies. The giveaways really drew them in.”
“Rob said you had gimmicks.” Tessa loved Blake’s crooked grin. If only she could keep it—and him—forever. She settled under his arm resting on the back of the seat and relished the weight and warmth as he tugged her even closer. “Did he do his work okay?”
Blake chuckled. “If he keeps up the pace he set tonight, he’ll be my new manager when he graduates high school.”
Tessa detected a note of pride in Blake’s voice. She sighed. “You know that’s less than three years from now.”
“Yeah, they’re growing fast, Tessa.” Blake looked off across the yard as if her once-upon-a-time toddlers played in the grass. “Think how I felt when I saw them that day. Seth’s almost a teenager, and Rob is. I’ve always carried this image in my mind of Seth just starting to walk and Robbie not much bigger. Now look at them. They’re almost grown. I’ve missed so much.”
His soft voice battered her heart with each word. Tears burned her eyes, and she sipped her cooling chocolate to concentrate on something else to keep them from falling.
“I’m so sorry, Blake.” Tessa thought of the way they were back then. When she knew she was expecting Blake’s baby, she could have contacted him through the Department of the Navy. Maybe she would have if she hadn’t been hurting so much from his rejection and from his mother’s harsh words. But now she knew she had done the right thing. Neither of them had been ready for marriage. They hadn’t been ready to be parents either, only she’d had no choice.
“I guess things turn out the way they are supposed to in the end.” His voice, so close, sounded just above a whisper.
She nodded. “Maybe some things do. We were too young back then. You were right to leave. I sat in a bar one night and watched an old woman drown her past life in one drink after another. She had a lot to forget. One son was serving a prison sentence for manslaughter. Another hung himself, and the third son had been married three times. Everyone knew he beat his wife and kids. The old woman told me her story. She’d been married when she was young, but her husband left her for someone else. She drifted then from one partner to another, never settling down, never providing a home for the babies that were born.”
Tessa wiped a tear from her eye. Blake didn’t move. “As she talked, I saw myself in that woman. I also had three sons and no husband. My sons were babies living in a foster home without me. I vowed right then they would not grow up like that woman’s sons. I shoved my glass away and walked out the door. I’ve never been back.”
“I’m glad.” Blake squeezed her shoulders. “I’m proud of you, Tessa. It takes a strong, courageous woman to stand and do what’s right. And that makes me a coward to run off and leave you that way.”
“No, that’s not true.” Tessa turned to face him. “It’s because you left that I found the courage to change. I didn’t know there was a better way until I lost you and the boys. I lost everyone I loved. At that point, I knew I could sink no deeper without losing myself, too. That’s when God sent Kasi to show me His love.”
Blake frowned. “What do you mean by that?”
“One step toward getting the boys back was getting a job.” She settled back on the porch swing and pulled the blanket closer around her. “I worked in the school cafeteria with Kasi. Her first husband died in a motorcycle accident and left her to raise Zack alone. She had her own problems back then, but she loved the Lord. I was so hungry for decent friendship, and I had no one. Not even Mom. One Saturday, I invited Kasi and Zack over for an early breakfast, because I had the boys for a weekend visit. Kasi invited us to church the next day.”
“And you went.” Blake sounded as if he’d already figured out the rest of the story.
“Yes, I told you I was hungry for a friend.” Tessa closed her fingers around Blake’s. “Kasi is one of the best friends I’ve ever had, but until I met Jesus, I didn’t know what a true friend is.”
“Tessa, I’ve heard this before.” Blake released her hand and stood. He walked to the edge of the porch and looked out over the yard, his hands in his pockets, his shoulders hunched. “It’s too simple. You can’t just decide to accept Jesus and then, poof, everything is fine.”
Her heart ached for him. She couldn’t explain in a way he would accept what she knew to be true. “I never said all your problems would be solved. Only that you’d have a friend to stand with you against anything. And yes, it is simple, Blake. Simple enough for a child to understand, yet so simple the educated are confounded. I think the key is faith. You must believe to receive.”
Blake turned with a grin and shrugged. “Now that really complicates things, doesn’t it?”
He sat back on the swing but left the blanket for her. “You know, I watched Derek playing a game in the arcade tonight. He got frustrated when he didn’t win and ran his fingers through his hair.” He gave a short laugh. “My mom used to get on me for doing the same thing. Strange, isn’t it?”
Tessa’s heart skittered to a halt before pounding inside her chest. He did know. She had to tell him, but she was so scared. Lord, help me.
“Yes.” Why couldn’t she get the words past her fear? What would he do when he found out? The boys would have to be told then. What would they think? Rob and Seth could be hurt so easily once the truth came out.
“You didn’t waste much time finding someone else after I left, Tessa.” His voice was soft, but she heard the steely edge of accusation.
Tears filled Tessa’s eyes as she met Blake’s solemn challenge. He gave her no choice. She lifted her chin. She could face him, and she would have to face the boys later. The time had come.
“No, I didn’t.” She saw the hurt flash in his eyes and realized what she had said. “I mean, I didn’t find anyone else. I loved you, Blake. There hasn’t been anyone since you left.”
A wounded sound came from Blake. A tear slid down Tessa’s cheek. She reached out to touch his arm, but he jumped from the swing and strode to the other end of the porch.
At the edge, he turned around. “Derek’s my son?”
“Yes.” She whispered, but she knew he heard.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Tessa? Maybe not back in June, but September’s almost over now. Why the big secret? Did you think I’d fight you for custody? I asked you to marry me. Please just
tell me why you’ve kept me from my son!”
He didn’t sound angry. He sounded hurt, and Tessa’s chest carried a heavy load of guilt and pain as she met his gaze.
“Maybe you never would have told me. Is that it, Tessa? Is that why you turned me down? Why you won’t marry me? Because you want to keep your boys to yourself? Why won’t you trust me?”
“Eleven years is a long time, Blake.” Tessa wiped her wet cheeks against the blanket, and still the silent tears fell. “I didn’t know you. I didn’t see what good telling you would do after all this time. Don’t you see how this could hurt the boys? Not just Derek, but Rob and Seth, too.”
“You didn’t know me?” Blake zeroed in on those four words. “I was right. You didn’t trust me.” He crossed his arms and glared at her. “No, strike that. Let’s get right up to the present. You don’t trust me. I’m not good enough to be a father to your son, am I? I’m not a Christian like you and my mom.”
He turned his back on her for a moment and then swung around, took a couple of steps closer, and pointed a finger at her. “I’ll tell you what’s wrong, Tessa. You have a holier-than-thou attitude. You think you’re better than me, don’t you? You can raise my son without my knowledge, but far be it from me to even be told he exists, because I’m not good enough. I was ready to forgive you for keeping your secret, because I thought you were afraid of my mom.”
A sharp laugh tore from his throat. “Ha! How wrong can a guy be? Is she in on this? Doesn’t she trust me either? Is that why you became so close? Because you’re both Christians?”
Tessa didn’t bother wiping the tears now. She let them fall, but she couldn’t turn her eyes from Blake’s angry face. And she couldn’t defend herself. How could she say he was wrong when she didn’t know if he might be right?”
Blake stomped to the front walk and stopped. He turned for one last parting shot. “Don’t keep my son from me, Tessa. Don’t worry—I won’t tell him for now. But one day soon he needs to know his father. I don’t want to fight you on this, but if I have to, I will.”
Chapter 16
T essa sat on the porch for a long time crying and praying. She scarcely felt the cool night breeze as she sat huddled in her blanket with her feet in the swing and her knees pulled up under her chin. Lord Jesus, I’m sorry. I’ve messed up everything. I wanted to bring Blake to You, but I’ve turned him away instead. Is he right? Do I think I’m better than other people because of what You have done for me? Father, forgive me.
Sobs shook her shoulders as she fought a battle in her soul. She finally accepted the truth that she had questioned Blake’s acceptability as a parent based on his spiritual condition. She’d had no right to judge him. Only God could do that. As soon as she accepted her guilt, she was able to accept God’s forgiveness, and peace flooded each corner of her heart. Yet with the peace came a burden, even heavier than before, not only for Blake’s salvation, but also for a solution to their problem.
“Maybe I can’t talk to him, Lord, but I can pray for him. And I can talk to his mom and my mom. They will pray with me. Kasi will, too. Your Word says that if two agree on anything, You will hear. We can’t force Blake to accept You, but together we can make sure he has the opportunity.”
“Mom, I have to go to work. Blake said for me to be there at ten thirty.” Rob looked at her puffy eyes. “I heard Blake’s voice last night, and I’m sorry you had a fight, but that doesn’t change the fact I have a job.”
They often slept in on Saturday morning, but this morning Tessa hadn’t rolled from bed until after nine. The younger boys wanted to eat lunch at Blake’s. “Okay, Rob, go to work. I’ll drop you off, but we are not going in. What time do I pick you up?”
“I get off at two,” Rob answered over Derek’s protest.
“Why can’t we go in?”
Seth spoke around the cereal in his mouth. “Don’t you ever listen? They had a fight.”
“So? Mom always tells us we have to make up.” Derek dipped his finger in his cereal and flipped milk at his brother.
“Stop, Derek.” Tessa felt a headache coming. She needed to see Kasi. “We’re going to Zack’s after Rob goes to work.”
That got their attention, but not the enthusiasm she expected. Derek’s frown looked too much like Blake’s had last night. “Okay, but why can’t you make up with Blake? We thought you’d get married, and then we’d have a really cool dad.”
“Well, don’t hold your breath.” Tessa stood and started clearing the table. She had to talk to someone. Kasi had better be home. She headed for the living room and the house phone to call Kasi.
An hour later, she sat on Kasi’s couch while her boys played outside with Zack. Travis and Zandra went to the grocery store at Kasi’s request.
“Okay, I’ve cleared the house.” Kasi sank into a plush chair near Tessa then leaned forward, her hands clasped on her knees. “So what’s this all about?”
“Blake knows. He had it all figured out before I told him. Kasi, what am I going to do? He thinks I think I’m better than him because I’m a Christian, and that’s why I didn’t tell him. Now he may never turn to Christ.”
“Oh.” Kasi leaned back and looked at Tessa. “So does he want Derek?”
“Of course. He said he would fight me for him if he had to. I won’t keep Derek from him. It’s Blake I’m concerned about. Will you help me pray for him?”
“You really love him, don’t you?” Kasi’s voice softened and she smiled.
Tessa nodded. “With all my heart. I’ve never stopped. From the first, he was my only love.”
“Oh Tessa, that’s so romantic.” Kasi laid a hand over her heart then straightened. “But first things first. We have some serious praying to do. You’re including your mom in this, aren’t you?”
“Yes, and his mom.”
A wide smile spread across Kasi’s face. “Wow, you said she had changed. I guess I didn’t understand how much.”
“Last night at Blake’s restaurant, we had a long talk.” Tessa told her friend that Janice Donovan was the first to recognize Derek. In fact, she had kept tabs on him over the years, because she suspected he was her grandson when she saw his birth announcement in the paper.
“So you’re friends now?”
Tessa smiled. “Yes, I think so. She isn’t the same. She said no matter what happens between Blake and me, she wants all three boys to consider her and Mr. Donovan as their grandparents.”
“ ‘In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose,’ ” Kasi quoted from Romans. “In your case, ‘all things’ have been a hard road I wouldn’t recommend to anyone, but I truly believe there’s a happy ending for you, my friend. Let’s pray now, and then you can get your moms on their knees, too.”
Together the two women prayed, lifting Blake’s name before God’s throne. Later Tessa made two phone calls. Her mother assured her she’d been praying for Blake’s salvation, but by agreeing together, she believed he would soon have to make a decision, hopefully for God. No one answered the phone at the Donovans’.
Sunday morning Tessa saw Blake slip into church after the service started. He sat in the back and left before the closing prayer, but he had come. Her heart rejoiced as she continued to pray for him.
She dropped Rob off at the restaurant on their way home from church and saw Blake’s SUV in the far corner of the lot. Blake opened at twelve thirty on Sunday. That had been her idea. He’d argued he would lose business opening so late. She said he should give his employees the opportunity to go to church and twelve thirty would barely do that. She wondered if he would change the hours now.
“Mom, you’ll pick me up at three?” Rob waited until she said she would; then he loped across the lot to the door and disappeared inside. How had he gone so quickly from a little boy to this gangly almost adult? She shook her head and drove home.
The phone rang as Tessa stepped inside and she grabbed it up. “Hello?”
“
Tessa, this is Janice Donovan. George and I were wondering if you’d like to bring the boys over for lunch. It isn’t much.” She hurried to explain. “I just got home from church myself, so I’m warming a casserole I made last night. Do you like chicken and broccoli?”
The same recipe Blake had taught Rob to make? “Yes of course, but—”
“Oh, that’s wonderful. I’ll stick it in the oven, and as soon as you get here, we can eat.” Janice’s voice changed from uncertain hesitation to a relieved lilt that Tessa couldn’t help responding to.
She laughed. “All right, Janice, we’d love to come, but I want to tell you Rob won’t be there. He’s working at Blake’s through lunch.”
“Oh of course. I’m sorry we won’t get to see him. Tessa, your boys are all just wonderful. I know we’re going to love each one of them.” They talked for a few minutes more, and then Tessa went in search of her boys and found them in their room.
She stuck her head in the door. “Hey guys, we’ve been invited out for lunch.”
Both boys had changed into old clothes. Seth paused in the process of tying his shoestrings. Derek pulled a ball from the closet and turned to look at her with a wide smile. “At Blake’s?”
“No.” Tessa frowned. “We can’t eat pizza every meal.”
“He serves spaghetti, too.”
“Yes, I know.” Tessa sighed at the hopeful look on both boys’ faces. They had fallen for Blake, just as she had. “This is even better. We’re going to Mr. and Mrs. Donovan’s.”
“Grandpa and Grandma Donovan?” Derek lifted his hand for Seth to slap. “All right.”
Tessa felt the blood drain from her head. She clutched the door frame. “Why did you call them that?”
Derek turned innocent eyes toward her. “I like ’em, Mom. They don’t have anyone else to call them Grandpa and Grandma.”
“Besides, they told us we could if we wanted.” Seth finished his shoes and stood. “I’m ready.”
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