“I expected you to call tomorrow.” She pulled into the drive at the house and stopped. “Am I wrong, or isn’t this Thursday?”
He chuckled. “I got lonely.”
“So you called my number?”
“Best number in my phone. Even has a picture.”
“You took a picture of me? In grungy work clothes with dirt all over my face and, I might add, without my permission or knowledge.” She couldn’t stop the pleased smile from spreading, although she’d never let him know.
“Oops, am I in trouble?” He didn’t sound the least bit worried. She heard the smile in his voice. “It’s a really nice picture and there isn’t any dirt that I can see. Just a beautiful woman.”
Now she did smile. “You would use flattery to get out of trouble?”
“I don’t know, I might, but I’m not.” His voice dropped. “I always thought you were the prettiest girl I’d ever seen.”
He couldn’t mean that, not after what he’d done. His words, meant to flatter, had the opposite effect, dousing Amanda with reality. If he meant what he said, why’d he take second best? Why had he married Susan? She didn’t want to think about it, so she said, “Did you call to set up a time and place Sunday?”
“Then you’ll go with me?” The lilt in his voice held a bit of relief as well.
“If you remember, Jessica and I were very close at one time. I’m going for her. I don’t know that I’ll be any help, but I’m willing to meet you at the foster home and see what happens.” She opened the car door and stepped out. Her dad’s truck wasn’t in the drive, so that meant no one would be at home. Maybe she could start supper so Mom wouldn’t have to.
“Why don’t you stop at the farm? We can go from here so I don’t have to give you directions.”
His idea had merit. If she followed him from the farm, she still wouldn’t be riding with him, sitting beside him, trying to think of something to say. She unlocked the kitchen door and went into the house. She set her purse on the table and opened the refrigerator. “Okay, I guess that will work.”
“Great, can you be here around two o’clock?”
“Sure.” She closed the refrigerator and opened the freezer. She’d thaw a pound of hamburger. She could make spaghetti or something. She turned on the cold water and plugged the sink.
“Now that’s settled, how about a question-answer session? Or are you too busy? Sounds like you’re running water.”
She laughed. “I’m in the kitchen. Mom isn’t home from work yet, so I thought I’d thaw some hamburger to get a head start on supper. I’m about done for now.”
“Okay, do you want to ask first or shall I?”
Amanda dropped the package of hamburger in the water and headed toward the living room, totally intrigued with the idea of finding answers to questions that had badgered her for fourteen years. She’d gone to meet Susan that night to talk over a personal problem her friend had. They’d chosen a quiet city park off campus for the privacy it afforded. Susan was already there, but Amanda hadn’t known that until she rounded the hedge sheltering that corner of the park. Susan was with someone. Chad. Wrapped in his arms. Oh yes, the whys of that night would probably take up half of her questions. But she couldn’t ask them. Not over the phone.
She sat in her dad’s recliner and lifted the footrest. “You go first. I’ll save my questions until later.”
“All right if you’re sure, I’d like to know what your intentions are. Are you in the area for a visit or is this something more permanent?” Chad’s question was followed by a loud thump.
“What was that?”
He chuckled. “Already you’re asking questions and you haven’t even answered mine. I just found a box in Kara’s room that might have water damage. Looks like clothes in here. Maybe some Jessica had stored away. Figured I’d better check for mold. Now, how about you answer me?”
“I moved back. I’m looking for a summer job that’s flexible enough to let me prepare for school.”
“School?”
“Yes, teaching kindergarten. This will be my first year.”
“Is that right?” He sounded either pleased or amused. Amanda couldn’t tell which.
“I’m very excited, although I’m well aware of the attention to detail that’s required. I made up a checklist of things to do before the first day of school, and it’s three pages long.” She laughed. “I’ve already started preparing some of the materials I’ll be using. It’s kind of fun.”
“I’ve about forgotten my first year, but I’m sure I was excited. Fun? I’m not so sure.” He chuckled. “You’ll settle in and it’ll get easier with each year. At least that’s what they keep telling me.”
“So, you did go into teaching?”
“That was the plan, wasn’t it?” His voice roughened around the words that brought a flood of memories to her mind.
Her sophomore year of high school, she walked into the classroom where the FTA club, Future Teachers of America, met. That was the first time she’d noticed Chad. His dark good looks and ready smile drew her like a magnet. She slipped into the empty chair in front of him and said, “Hi.”
He was a senior, in the same class with her brother, when they started dating. Two years later, by the end of her senior year, they were talking marriage. He would teach high school history while she taught elementary. During their summer vacations, they’d travel.
She attended the state university in Springfield along with him through her first two years. Just before his graduation, they became officially engaged and would have been married that summer, if she hadn’t found him with Susan.
“Amanda?” His voice in her ear and the crunch of tires on the driveway outside brought her back to the present. “I’m sorry if I said something I shouldn’t have.”
“No of course not.” She let the footrest down and stood. “Listen, my folks just got here, so I’d better go. I’ll meet you Sunday at the farm. Bye, Chad.”
She hung up before he could stop her. She’d do this one last good deed for Jessica’s little girl, and then she was finished. No more Chad, no more farm, no Kara. She didn’t need any of them.
Chapter 5
S unday morning Amanda was surprised to see Chad at church. When he stood and thanked the people for helping him, she had to brush away a tear. “I can’t express the feeling I have when I think of the way you pitched in and helped a stranger in need. I couldn’t have done what you did. Thank you isn’t enough.”
After church Chad stopped Amanda. “I’ll see you this afternoon, right?”
His eyes held uncertainty and touched her heart. She nodded. “Yes, you did say around two, didn’t you?”
“Yes, and thanks, Mandy. I’ll be watching for you.” He smiled and walked away.
Two hours later, Amanda stopped behind a black extended cab truck. She hadn’t paid special attention to Chad’s truck before today, but the shiny exterior and clean, empty bed with the black, unmarred liner, told her he used it for highway and city driving. Dad’s truck had dings and scrapes from hauling anything from furniture to firewood and brush.
Chad stepped out the front door before she reached the porch. His smile came easy, but she recognized the tension in his posture and around his eyes.
“Hey, you ready to go?” He walked with her toward his truck.
“Sure, I’ll pull out first, and you can lead the way.” She started toward her car, but he stopped her.
“Mandy.”
She turned slowly back to him. “Maybe you shouldn’t call me that.”
His eyes darkened. “Maybe not, but I’d like to. Are you afraid of me?”
She gave a quick laugh. “Afraid? Of what? Of course not. I’ve never known you to be a violent person.”
“You know I’m not talking physical.” He held her gaze. “We need to talk. Not today and not over the phone. But soon. You and I have unfinished business. There are things I’ve never understood that I’d like to. Things I hope you can explain.”
Her head nodded, although she scarcely realized it. She wanted answers, too. She wanted him to tell her so many things. Over the years she fooled herself into believing she didn’t care. She avoided any mention of Chad or Susan. She left school, and refusing to listen to anyone, had gone as far as she could from Illinois. But not from the comfort of her faith. She met Jeffrey at church. And used him as an escape from her pain.
“Move your car out of the way and get in the truck with me. There’s no sense in taking two vehicles.” He stood and waited while she obeyed.
If he hadn’t been right, she might’ve held out, because truthfully, she was afraid of him. She hadn’t forgotten him any more than her heart had. Seeing him again brought them together in a way that seemed almost as if they’d never parted on one level, but had suffered a terrible separation on another. One that needed to be worked through before they could get on with their separate lives.
She sat in the bucket seat and leaned her head back on the headrest. Like Chad, his truck was neat and clean. He’d always kept his vehicles in good condition. He obviously hadn’t changed in that respect. She lifted her head and slanted a look toward him. “So, what do you plan to do with the farm once it’s back in shape? Will you live here?”
He shrugged. “I live in Rockford, so the place won’t do Kara or me any good.”
“Are you getting it ready to sell?”
“Yeah. That doesn’t bother you, does it?” Chad looked at her. “I mean helping out when I’m going to sell the place.”
“No, of course not.” Amanda shook her head, but really she didn’t know how she felt about the farm belonging to someone else. It wasn’t her business, but somehow the thought of someone else taking over Jessica’s home did bother her.
“I might keep it, except in time Kara won’t remember this place.”
“You’re taking her with you?” The question was out before she could stop it. Of course he’d take his niece with him. Was Susan still in the picture? Even if they weren’t still married, what would happen when he brought a baby home? Would that make a difference in their relationship?
He frowned. “Of course, I’m taking her. She’s all I’ve got now.”
They entered the city limits and neither spoke for a few minutes as they drove through the cleanup still in progress and turned south. On the south edge of town, Chad stopped in front of a rambling old Victorian house. Amanda loved old houses, and this one was charming with its wraparound front porch and curlicue trim on all the corners. A cement walk led them across the wide lawn to the front steps. She’d never thought of what a foster home should look like, but if there was a pattern, this should be it. If only the people were as welcoming and warm as their house.
Chad turned what looked like a large flat turnkey, and they heard the brrringing sound outside.
“Oh how wonderful.” Amanda laughed. “I didn’t know those old door ringers were still in existence.”
“They probably aren’t outside a museum.” Chad grinned. “Except for this one.”
“Is the foster mother as old as the house?” Amanda widened her eyes.
Chad chuckled. “Thankfully, no.”
At that moment the door opened and a teenage girl, her dark brown hair in a ponytail, motioned them in. “Hi, Mom says come to the family room. That’s where Babycakes is.”
“Babycakes?” Amanda had to ask.
The girl grinned. “That’s my name for Kara. She’s got these cute, fat little cheeks, so I call her Babycakes. Don’t ask why, ’cause I don’t know.”
She spoke over her shoulder as she led them through two large rooms before they reached the family room. “I’m Jana, by the way.”
“Glad to meet you, Jana. I’m Amanda, and I love your house.”
Jana shrugged. “Thanks, it’s pretty, I guess, but that’s just the face it shows the world. Truthfully, it’s just a big, old drafty barn. We love it though.”
“There you are.” An older version of Jana sat on the sofa with the baby and a book. She stood and walked toward them and smiled at Amanda. “Hi, I’m Kathy Warner.”
“I’m Amanda Wilson, a friend of Chad’s.”
Amanda sensed Chad stiffen as Kathy approached. Jessica’s little girl was adorable, just as she knew she would be. The fat, little cheeks Jana had mentioned looked kissable. Amanda could scarcely wait to hold her, but she stepped back to allow Chad access.
“Look here, sweetie, Uncle Chad has come to see you.” The foster mother shifted Kara so she faced her uncle.
For long moments, Chad watched the baby as if she might bite him if he moved too quickly. Finally he held his hands out. She shrank back against the woman, curling her shoulder up against her chin while her large, blue eyes stared back at him.
“Let’s sit together on the floor with some toys,” Kathy suggested. She moved close to a corner where a pile of baby toys waited.
Amanda nudged Chad, so together they followed and sat with legs crossed on the floor. Kathy put Kara in the middle of the semicircle they made and motioned toward the toys. “Why don’t you hand her something? See if you can get her to play with you.”
Chad looked at Amanda with pain in his eyes, and she almost buckled. Kara was his niece. He had to connect with her if he expected to take her home. She watched him pick up a small, soft ball and hand it to Kara. His eyes widened when she took it and some of the starch dissolved from his posture. Amanda was so proud when he got Kara to throw the ball to him. At least she opened her hands and it rolled his direction. She squealed when he didn’t toss it back immediately. Amanda laughed and he relaxed a little more.
Kathy eased back and soon sat in the chair a few feet away watching with a soft smile on her lips.
Amanda itched to hold the little one who brought memories of Jessica to mind. She didn’t know whether to release the tears pressing against her eyes or let loose the laughter that bubbled at every cute expression that brought back memories of her own baby. She knew she’d lost her heart from the moment she saw Jessica’s daughter. Seeing her squeal in play or watch Chad with large wary eyes filled Amanda’s heart with love such as she knew wasn’t healthy. She would pay for this visit later with the unfulfilled pain of longing for a child of her own. Of longing for Charity. Missing the sweet times.
Kara soon tired of their game. She leaned forward and caught herself on her hands. Before either of them could react, she was crawling toward Kathy’s rocker. Amanda wouldn’t let her get away. She reached past Chad and caught the baby. Speaking softly to her, she picked her up.
“Hey, where do you think you’re going?” She smiled at the little girl and stood with her, walking away from Kathy. She motioned for Chad to follow her.
Kara leaned back in Amanda’s arms and studied her with a serious expression. Amanda kept talking to her and smiling while she walked around the room. “You are such a pretty girl. You look so much like your mommy did. Her eyes were exactly that same pretty shade of blue.”
She shifted her to sit on her arm. “Like Uncle Chad has. Have you seen his pretty blue eyes lately?”
Amanda glanced at Chad who stood in the center of the room watching her. The hint of a smile touched his lips in answer to hers. Kara patted Amanda’s face as if demanding full attention. Amanda laughed. Charity used to do the same thing. It would be too easy to pretend she held Charity. She couldn’t do that to herself or to Kara.
“Let’s go see Uncle Chad’s pretty eyes.”
“Pretty?” His eyebrows rose in challenge while his lips twitched as if he wanted to smile but wouldn’t let himself.
“Oops, I mean handsome. Men are so easily offended.” As she talked and drew closer to Chad, Kara’s watchful expression turned to trust.
Kathy stood and motioned to herself and then toward the door. Amanda nodded. She was going to leave them alone. Maybe with her gone, Chad would have a chance to become friends with Kara. She hoped so.
Kara found a button on Amanda’s shirt and concentrated on trying to
pick it up between her thumb and finger. Amanda stood so close to Chad, she could sense his uncertainty and tension.
“Chad, relax.” She gave him a smile. “She’s a baby. She reacts to the way you feel. Even I can feel your fear of her. Just love her. That’s all she needs right now.”
“I do love her.” Chad ground the words out through his teeth. “Why wouldn’t I? She’s part of Jessica.”
“Then take her. Hold her and tell her so she believes you.” Amanda set Kara in Chad’s reluctant arms but stayed close for her to continue playing with her button. Of course that meant she had to practically lean against Chad. In reality, she could have run a hand between them without touching, but she still felt his warmth. She felt his tension, too, and that troubled her.
“Look, Kara.” Amanda tapped against a button on Chad’s shirt. “Uncle Chad has buttons, too.” She took the button between finger and thumb and held it out for Kara to see.
Kara turned to the new attraction, letting Amanda’s button go. Chad’s was smaller and she couldn’t get her fingers to latch on. She looked up at Chad as if to ask for help and stared at the unexpected face.
Chad tried to smile. Amanda had to give him credit for that. Before he could muster up a full-fledged smile, though, Kara’s little face scrunched and her mouth opened to let out a cry that tore through Amanda’s heart. Pudgy little hands reached for Amanda just before she lunged, almost falling from Chad’s grasp.
They caught her at the same time and Chad let go. Amanda held her close and patted her back, softly talking to her. “You’re fine. There’s nothing to be frightened of. Uncle Chad loves you, Kara. He wants to hold you and let you be his little girl. He’s just a little afraid right now, so you’ll have to help.”
As she talked, Chad sank into the nearest chair, his face hidden by his hands. Amanda’s heart carried the burden of his pain. She’d loved him once. She’d trusted him and he’d betrayed her. She thought he’d killed any chance of her ever loving him again, but now she didn’t know. Something had flared to life for just a moment. Maybe if she covered the spark with the painful memories of their breakup, it wouldn’t come back to life to hurt her again.
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