“He’s outside,” Sophie explained. “Along with everyone else. They said just immediate family for now and Dylan wanted to give us some time to talk to you alone.”
“Dylan is my family,” Dalton said, his voice raspy. “I want to talk to him. Please, get him in here.”
Sabrina shared a look with her parents before they consented, filing out of the room.
He wanted to spend a few minutes with someone who wouldn’t look at him as though he’d tried to kill their cat. He could tell his parents were questioning whether he’d done this on purpose and he couldn’t stand to explain the reasons he’d taken the pills now. He knew Dylan wouldn’t ask. He’d just listen.
As soon as his friend walked in to the room, Dalton said, “Carly and Brett must hate me for ruining their wedding. I’m so sorry.” Sorry didn’t even begin to describe the remorse he felt for spoiling a day he knew his friends had been looking forward to for years.
“Hey,” Dylan said, shaking his head. “They’re just glad you’re gonna be alright, man. That’s the only thing that matters to any of us right now.”
“Sophie?”
“She’s outside,” Dylan confirmed. “Worried sick about you. You want me to see if they’ll let her in for a few minutes?”
“I need to talk to you first.” Dalton needed help and he trusted Dylan to get it for him. “I need re-hab. In patient, for as long as it takes to beat this thing.” The tears stung his eyes, forcing him to close them. “I can’t put the people I love through any more of this.”
“Thank God.” Dylan smirked. “I knew you’d come to your senses eventually.”
“Will you make the arrangements? I want to leave as soon as I can get out of here.”
“Sure, don’t worry about a thing,” Dylan said, nodding. “I’ll take care of it.”
“I’m sorry.” He knew he’d spend the next several days apologizing to all of the people he’d hurt, but some would come easier than others. “I hate that I let this happen.”
“The important thing is you’re getting help. You’ll beat this thing, Dalton. I know you will.” He chuckled. “I’ve never known a tougher sonofabitch. When you’re determined, nothing and no one can stop you.”
“You’re right.” For the first time in years he felt like he could breathe as the secrets and lies made room for the truth. “Nothing’s gonna keep me from getting my life back.”
***
Sophie’s entire body was trembling, inside and out, by the time she made her way in to Dalton’s hospital room. Her teeth were shattering and her extremities were ice cold. She knew he was going to be fine, but the shock of finding him like that was finally starting to set in.
“Hey.” His tone was low, almost inaudible as his eyes searched her face, as though he was trying to reassure himself that she was fine.
“Hey yourself.” She tried to sound casual, but her shaky voice betrayed her. “How are you?”
His full lips tipped up at one side. “I’ll live.”
“That’s not funny.” Finally some of her spirit returned as she realized they’d survived the imminent danger. But she wasn’t naïve enough to believe the worst was behind them. She knew they had a long road ahead. Or at least he did. Whether he wanted a passenger on his journey was still up for debate.
“Sorry.”
His expression was grim as she pulled up a chair beside his bed, tucking her hands under her thighs instead of reaching for comfort, as she wanted to. She didn’t wanted him to know how scared she’d been, how unsettled she still felt as her mind tried to process their new reality.
“For everything, Soph. I’ve made a real mess of things, haven’t I?” He closed his eyes with a heavy sigh before she could respond.
“Why didn’t you tell me about the pills?” When he didn’t open his eyes, she covered his hand with hers until he finally looked at her. “Maybe I was being naïve, thinking you could manage that kind of pain with Tylonel 3’s.” She shrugged. “I won’t to pretend to know what the pain is like or how you get through the day with it.”
She couldn’t help but think of all the times they’d made love. He’d almost always manipulated their position to take the pressure off his knees and on the rare occasions when they assumed the missionary position, he’d left the room soon after. To take pills…?
“The pain was the reason I started taking them,” he admitted, squeezing her hand before releasing it. “But the dependency developed into something I couldn’t control. Those damn drugs owned me. I couldn’t get through the day without them anymore. I told myself once I retired, I’d be able to decrease the dosage because my body wouldn’t be taking the same kind of beatings.”
Sophie wanted to ask how long this had been going on, but she knew it was his story to tell, when and if he was ready to share the details with her. “But it didn’t work out that way?”
“No, by that time the damage was already done.” He stared straight ahead, at the dingy white wall, as though it fascinated him. “I knew I needed knee replacement surgery but I kept putting it off. I think I knew I wouldn’t have any more excuses to keep using. After the surgery I wouldn’t be able to get the pills anymore unless I bought them off the street.” A shuddering sigh wracked his massive body. “I told myself if I was buying them from a dealer I was no better than the heroine addicts you see on the streets. As long as I was getting my drugs legitimately I wasn’t an addict.”
Sophie listened, knowing there was nothing she could say to lessen the shame he must be feeling at having to admit his darkest secret to her while hooked up to machines that reminded him how far he’d fallen, how close he’d almost come to losing his life.
His eyes darted back to hers as he whispered, “But I am an addict, Sophie. I’m an addict.” He let her process his claim before he added, “And I need help. I can’t beat this alone.”
She could only imagine how difficult it had been for him to come to terms with this, but she wanted to choose the right words to let him know she was proud of him. “We all make mistakes, Dalton.”
“Maybe, but most people’s mistakes don’t land them in a hospital bed.”
“True, some people’s mistakes land them in the morgue.” She fixed him with an unwavering stare to let him know she didn’t intend to let him beat up on himself indefinitely. “At least you’re still here. You can make this right. You acknowledge you need help and you’re going to get it.”
“Do you still hate me?” He stared down at his covered feet, his mouth downturned. “I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”
“I never hated you.” She wished more than anything she could take those words back, especially now that she understood the internal war he’d been fighting. “I could never hate you, Dalton.” She wanted to tell him that she loved him, that she would always be there for him, but the ache in her chest served as a reminder that he may not be ready to hear the truth after all he’d been through.
“You had every right to. I messed everything up.”
“We can fix it.” She couldn’t leave the room without letting him know she was still open to the possibility of a future with him. “After you get back from re-hab, we can-”
“Let’s not make any plans, Soph. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone.”
“What are you saying?” She got the uneasy feeling he may never come back. “Where is the treatment facility?” She inched forward on the vinyl armchair. “How far away is it? Maybe I could come visit when-”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why are you doing this?” she asked, wrapping her hands around the bed rails. “Is it to punish me because I told you I hated you?”
“Sweetheart,” he said, gently. “I don’t want to punish you. I want to protect you.”
“From what?” She didn’t want to cry again, but he was making it difficult not to.
“From me. Don’t you see? Being with me would be like sentencing you to a life of uncertainty.”
“What are
you talking about?”
“You’d always be wondering if I was using again, looking for the signs if my behavior changed. If I relapsed you’d try to help, because that’s the kind of person you are, but I understand this compulsion in a way I hope you never will.”
“But you’re going to get help,” she argued. “You’ll get better.”
“But I’ll never be cured, Soph.” He swallowed numerous times before flinching. “I’ll just have to take it one day at a time, like every other alcoholic and addict out there whose fighting for a chance at a better life. I’ll never be that guy I used to be again.”
“What are you talking about?” She’d never heard him sound so hopeless or dejected. “Of course you will. This is just a temporary setback, Dalton. You’ll get your life back. You have to believe that.”
“I won’t be the guy who crushed his opponents on the football field ever again. I won’t be the player who helped lead my team to consecutive Superbowls. I won’t be the hero whose jersey my team retired.” His voice was thick with emotion when he said, “I won’t be the man who got a standing ovation when he was inducted into the Hall of Fame. I’ll just be the recovering drug addict from now on. The former professional athlete who had it all and blew it ‘cause he didn’t know how to cope.”
“How can you say that?” Sophie was angrier now than she’d been when he’d tried to force her out of his life without explanation. “That’s crazy! You’ll always be the guy people idolize, Dalton. That’s who you are. I think the fact this happened will only make you more of a hero because people will see that you’re human. You made mistakes and you found the courage to make things right.”
“I appreciate you for saying that.”
She could tell he wasn’t buying it, but she didn’t know what else to say to convince him.
Closing his eyes, he said, “I’m kind of tired now. Would you mind shutting the light out on your way out?”
He was dismissing her just like that? “I’ll come back in the morning to see if you need anything.”
“Don’t bother, I’ll be fine. My family’s here.”
It was crushing to think he didn’t need her anymore… that he thought he could get through the hell he faced without her. “Don’t push me away,” she whispered. “Please, Dalton. Let me help you.” She could see her plea was falling on deaf ears when he turned to face the wall, effectively shutting her out.
“Good-bye, Soph.”
She wandered outside, still dazed and confused when Sabrina rushed toward her.
“Are you okay?” Sabrina put her arm around Sophie’s shoulders, leading her toward the waiting room. “You look so pale. I take it things didn’t go well?”
“I guess you know he’s going to re-hab?”
“Yeah, Dylan told me.” She sat down beside Sophie before reaching for her hand. “I couldn’t be happier. He needs this, Sophie. He can’t do it alone.”
“I know. He needs help.” She faked a smile for Sabrina’s benefit. There would be plenty of time to fall apart later, behind closed doors. “Just not mine.”
“He told you that?” Sabrina asked, wide-eyed. “Is he crazy? Of course he needs you. He loves you! I’m going in there to tell him-”
Sophie gripped her friend’s wrist when she stood. “This isn’t your decision and it isn’t mine. It’s his. I guess if he comes back to me, it was meant to be. If he doesn’t, it wasn’t.”
“Are you going to be okay?” Sabrina asked, kneeling in front of her.
“Eventually.”
Chapter Eighteen
Dalton sat on a stone bench in the garden, surrounded by flowering trees and the sound of birds chirping. Spring was in the air, the promise of new beginnings, but he had no idea whether he had a new life to look forward to when he returned home.
It had been eight longs months since he left. After the knee replacement surgery he’d decided to stay at a convalescent facility nearby so he could continue attending meetings at the re-hab centre, but the time had finally come to face his addiction alone and he was scared.
He watched his brother-in-law walk across the lawn to meet him. He’d asked Dylan to stop by and see him on his way home from a business trip. They needed to have this conversation free from the distractions of home, in a place where he felt free to express his emotions.
Dalton stood, offering his hand. “Thanks for coming, man.” He let Dylan pull him into a back-slapping hug. He’d missed his family, but not half as much as he’d missed Sophie.
There had been the occasional email from her to check on him, but she claimed she was trying to give him the space he needed to heal. He didn’t know if that were her polite way of telling him that she’d moved on, but that was part of the reason he’d asked Dylan to visit. He had to be prepared for whatever changes he might fight at home.
“I always told you I’d be here whenever you needed me.” Dylan sat beside Dalton on the bench, his eyes travelling over the meticulously manicured grounds that were starting to show signs of life now that the weather in New Hampshire had warmed up. “So you like this place?”
“It’s amazing.” Dalton smiled. “As nice as any resort I’ve ever been to.”
“I’m glad,” Dylan said, shaking his head. “I wanted you to feel comfortable. I didn’t want it to feel like you were in a hospital or something.”
“This is definitely a place for healing,” Dalton said, slowly. “But nothing like a hospital. They never made me feel like a patient. They just made me feel like a person with a problem. I appreciated the distinction.”
“I’m sure you did.” Dylan linked his hands over his raised knee. “I had a friend who had a good experience here. That’s how I heard about it. Besides, I thought it would do you some good to get away from the pressures back home for a while.”
“You were right. I needed some separation to figure things out.”
“And now?”
“Well I’ve recovered physically from the knee surgery. The doctors have told me I can do anything I did before and I feel amazing. For the first time in a long time, pain doesn’t consume me.”
“I’ve gotta admit,” Dylan said, chuckling. “I’ve never seen you look better. Hell, you look ten years younger.”
“Thanks.” Dalton smiled, feeling like he’d shed ten years of emotional baggage in the past eight months. “This has given me an opportunity to take a long hard look at my life and figure out where to go from here.”
“And…?”
“I’ve thought a lot about what you said about going public with my addiction.”
“That’s your call,” Dylan said. “We’ve been able to keep it out of the press, even after your collapse at the wedding, so no one outside of your inner circle has to know unless you decide to tell them.”
“I don’t want to hide it anymore,” Dalton said, watching the sun dip beneath a cloud to bathe the gardens in temporary shade. “I did that long enough. Too long, in fact. I think you were right about me being able to help my clients and other young athletes understand the perils of using prescription meds to dull the pain.”
“That takes a lot of guts,” Dylan said, smiling. “But I’m not gonna lie, I couldn’t be happier with your decision. We both loved the game. Nothing would make me happier than seeing a high profile player like you trying to clean it up.”
“I’m not expecting miracles,” Dalton said. “But even if I can make a difference in one kid’s life it’ll be worth it.”
“I think you’ll affect a lot more people than you think by talking about this.”
“I hope so.”
Dalton watched a couple walk across the lawn to sit in a bench swing under a mature tree. He knew from group therapy the guy was from a well-to-do family and he’d succumbed to drugs after feeling as though he hadn’t been able to meet his family’s expectations. He could tell by the way he was looking at his companion that she was the girlfriend he’d mentioned, the one who’d promised to stand by him while he worked his way thro
ugh therapy. Seeing them together led Dalton to the question he’d been putting off since Dylan sat down.
“How’s Sophie?”
Dylan frowned. “You guys have kept in touch, right?”
“Monthly emails,” he muttered. “Nothing personal though, just small talk.” They mirrored the kinds of emails he’d shared with all of his friends over the past several months. There was nothing to indicate she still had feelings for him or was waiting for him to return home.
“She seems be to be doing well,” Dylan said. “Business is good and the cottage is finished. In fact, she just had a housewarming party last week. The place looks great.”
“I bet.” Dalton thought of the plans they’d made the day they agreed to share the cottage. He hoped she’d been able to make all of her dreams for the old place come true. Even though he was no longer a part of her vision, he still wanted the best for her.
“You’re wondering if she’s still in love with you.” Dylan offered a weak smile. “I wish I could answer that question, but I can’t. You’ll have to ask the lady herself.”
“Is she seeing anyone?” He had to know, before paying her a visit, whether someone else might meet him at the door. As much as he wished Sophie well, that would kill him.
“Not that I know of.” Dylan cleared his throat. “I think she’s been out on a few dates.”
At Dalton’s questioning look, Dylan explained. “I’ve seen her in High Rollers three or four times with guys.”
“All different guys?”
“Yeah.”
“Good.” Dalton smirked. “That may mean she hasn’t had more than a few dates with anyone. He knew Sophie didn’t subscribe to the three date rule. She believed it took longer than that to decide if she wanted someone to be her sexual partner. “I’m a selfish bastard, I know.”
Possession (Texas Titans #8) Page 20