by Emma James
“I’m so glad I wasn’t alone, but… Cruz—” My voice breaks.
“Fu—everything is going to be fine, babe. We aren’t going to lose this baby. Doc Evelyn is going to be walking into the garden any second now.” Edge has my cheeks in his hands, and he’s drilling positivity into me. “The paramedics will be here as well.”
Another contraction sends me deep into my headspace of pain where nothing else matters but pushing our baby out alive.
When I come back to myself, getting that small reprieve between contractions, Mathias is moving out of the way, total relief plastered on his face.
Evelyn glides in between my legs, her hands covered with gloves and a professional face fixed in place as she quickly assesses my condition. “Looks like you’ve got this all under control, Whisper.” She smiles. “Baby is looking good. You just need to do a little more work for me.”
It’s the encouragement I need to hear that our baby is doing okay. Evelyn’s here, she’s in control, and I know everything will be all right—because it just has to be.
I look over her shoulder to see Boxer has Harper in his lap, sitting on one of the garden benches. She’s holding Jenny, my ragdoll, a blanket and the cashmere elephant I received as a gift from Edge’s MC family—my extended family—for the twins’ birth.
Blueblood and Lethal are standing close by with Hazard. Blueblood is unusually somber but manages to give me a thumbs-up and Lethal waves, with a frown frozen in place, while Hazard looks fierce with his arms folded across his chest. If I could put it into words, they all look like they are willing the baby to come out of me without any complications.
Another contraction builds to an all-out crescendo of unbearable pain, and I start pushing and clawing at Edge’s hand.
“Whisper, you’re doing great, honey.” I barely hear Evelyn’s words through the haze of agony as she does her thing.
A sense of comfort washes over me after the contraction, which partly startles me and soothes me at the same time. It’s the strangest feeling.
It’s like the softest breeze caresses my body.
“Whoa... did you feel that, babe?” Edge looks around him like he doesn’t believe what he is even voicing out loud.
“Yes...” Dare I call it feathers—wings?
“Feathers?” he breathes out, as I watch him come to the same conclusion as me.
I can’t help hoping that was Miss Catherine letting me know she’s here for baby Jagger and us.
Wishful thinking?
I can’t shake the feeling in dem bones of mine.
And then I’m lost inside another contraction.
And my screaming silent fears.
SEVENTEEN MONTHS LATER...
Leaning up against my dining room wall, in the beautiful Mediterranean style home Edge bought for our family nearly eight years ago, is a large, ornately-framed, white mirror. It’s a loaner from my neighbor, Flora, from Butterfly Wings, her shabby-chic/bohemian store.
It’s been a hectic few hours of hair and makeup, getting dressed, and lots and lots of photos in parts of the garden I am allowed to venture into, the rest I will see tonight when the event planner’s team finishes up later today. From what I’ve seen, it’s going to be spectacular by the time Edge and I walk through the door tonight as husband and wife.
I’m now alone, stealing a few quiet minutes for myself before we leave for Cuvier Park.
Taking my reflection in, I honestly can’t help feeling like it’s a surreal moment, as though I’m a model resting after a wedding photo shoot in my beautiful, white, modern, Gali Karten hyper-romantic wedding gown. The sexy off the shoulder lace appliqué is stunning. The bodice is intricately beaded, and the sheer, backless design makes me feel so feminine and sexy.
Part of my beautiful butterfly tattoo on my back is proudly on display, my scars camouflaged behind the stunning design, but today it is all about my gown.
My sleek low bun is simple, but elegant, adding to the romance of my gown and the timeless Tiffany & Co. diamond earrings Edge presented to me after Colton’s birth, three months ago.
The drop pendant necklace with the six diamonds, graduating in size, Edge gave me for Christmas all those years ago, has been put back in its Tiffany & Co. box for today. Just one day. It’s too glamorous to wear every day, but I usually do, safely tucked underneath my clothes.
Every day with Edge and my family is a special occasion.
My dress is the star today, accessorizing only with the diamond earrings, my engagement ring and the elegant silver and diamond memorial ring on my right hand.
I turn and walk out to the balcony overlooking the garden, tipping my head up to the heavens. The sun is shining, the sky is clear of clouds; you would think it was perfect weather for a wedding, but there are the invisible clouds that cloak our day.
I lift my right hand to my lips and kiss the ring—something I often do—and send a prayer up to Cruz.
Edge and I both wear rings carrying some of the ashes of our baby boy we were expecting four months after Miss Catherine passed away and two months after Edge proposed to me.
I thought I’d covered nearly every pain that was possible to physically feel during my first twenty-one years of life, but then I felt the death of our infant.
He looked perfect when born. A healthy mop of silky brown hair and all fingers and toes accounted for, but Cruz Mathias only lived for thirteen hours before his little heart gave out and he grew his angel wings.
I am always told I am a survivor, but losing Cruz, it nearly broke me. Losing a child is the one thing that has the power to wreck me. None of us were prepared. There was no warning. No alarm bells ringing with the baby’s health in any of my check-ups. There was nothing anybody could have done to save him. He was asleep and then he was no longer breathing.
Edge’s brothers all deeply felt the loss of baby Cruz, and although we didn’t see them daily like Edge would have if he were still living in Albuquerque, the Soulless Bastards made their presence known throughout that tough time, helping us all to cope.
Edge’s MC family are still a massive part of our life; regularly dropping by our house and Masson and Schenk.
Not long ago, Hazard opened up the Soulless Bastards San Diego chapter, bringing along Lethal and Blueblood for the ride. This made Edge very happy.
The panoramic view of the ocean always calms my soul when my heart threatens to get crushed under the loss of our baby boy. With everything I’ve been through, living with a heart that can never be whole again is the hardest thing.
Edge and I have so much love to give our family, but we also carry around a life sentence of constant pain and grief.
It hurts.
“Miss Catherine… if you can hear me, I just wanted to say how much we love and miss you. Edge and I seek comfort in the belief you are Cruz’s guardian angel. I wish you could send us a sign that you hear our conversations because I know Edge talks to you, too. You were always the light in dark times and you continue to be a beacon of hope for us,” I whisper to the sky.
I wait hoping to see some sign my words have been heard, but no flashes of lightning or a star streaking across the blue canvas appear. It doesn’t deter me from keeping the belief alive that our son is not alone.
I return my thoughts back to the now and here, being my family’s special day because our wedding day is for everybody.
Lily, Edge’s mother, needs this event in her life as she missed more than thirty-one years of Edge’s life and she’s been putting together albums of treasured memories ever since she found her son alive and well eight years ago.
Once, I could never have dreamed this day would ever be possible. My prince did come and rescue me, and I’m now marrying my king—my everything.
Today is something Edge and I deserve, and our children need memories and photographs, something I don’t have of my childhood. I take so many photos, documenting my children’s lives—our lives as a large extended family—because I want them to have what
I missed out on.
Miss Catherine, Boxer and Lincoln were the first people I ever met who showed me kindness and respect. I was rich in family before I even understood what family meant.
Boxer brought Evelyn, Ghost, Joel… even Lenny into my life.
Edge brought a bunch of the most loyal and brave men into my life who claimed me as one of their own.
Phoenix shared all her loyal female friends—the sisterhood—and their partners, which opened up to even more friends for me and Edge.
Between all the family and friends I try never to dwell for too long on my unknown as it does hurt but choose to look at what I do have and I’m a fortunate woman. My fresh start at life has me blessed with so much love and kindness and opportunity.
Love is a powerful emotion bringing people together, but it also makes my heart weep for the biological family I might have living somewhere in this world.
Are they alive?
Do they wonder about me often?
I have painted an image in my head that I’ve trained myself to believe. They are happy wherever they are. Any siblings are living full, happy lives with their own families. My parents are grandparents; their health is good, their lives busy. I have to believe this is so.
I have to.
I can live without knowing the truth because I have so many good people in my life who love me. Edge got a second chance with his family, and that means everything.
I’m so excited to see Edge and Mathias standing side by side waiting for me to walk down the aisle, having watched Edge and Mathias’s bond strengthen over time. There is so much love and support between them now. It’s like they were never apart.
All I want to do is hold on tight to this life and never let it slip through my fingers. The very valid fear it can get taken away from me is never far from my mind, especially after losing Cruz. We spent fifteen months grieving the loss that hit all of us—hard—and then I discovered I was pregnant with Jagger, bringing a whole bag of emotions for both of us.
Happiness.
Fear.
Rinse and repeat.
For nine months, I tried to tamp down my anxiety. It was a tough thing to do, especially when Jagger decided to arrive four weeks early. We never did make it to the hospital in time. Evelyn delivered our healthy baby boy, whose squawking set of lungs filled our garden with relief and happiness.
Colton’s birth three months ago was uneventful, thank God! I wasn’t aiming to get pregnant again five months after Jagger entered the world. Edge and I were having protected sex, but all it took was the first time we forgot the condom in the heat of the moment, and I was pregnant again, which highly amused the Soulless Bastards and the Lion’s Den members not to mention had Boxer fuelled to the brim with banter-ammunition with Edge.
We both still make appointments with Sally May, the therapist who has helped me so much to continue to survive everything in my past and Cruz’s death. She’s a wonderful lady.
I live in the now; not the past because that holds too much pain.
I refuse to allow the memories I kept boxed up to stay a part of our new lives and keep me mentally chained, holding me hostage. William, Cezar, Filip, even Jonathan Boothe aren’t able to steal any more from me. Sally helped me to unpack as many of those boxes as I could. There were things I couldn’t tell her. They had to stay a secret, but she gave me the tools to heal and not be a victim any longer.
Edge has been seeing Sally, on and off, and together we learn to carve out a stable new life full of love and laughter.
I am proud of the survivor, the woman, the mother; I’ve become.
I am woman. Hear me, roar.
Our brood has innocently shown us what unconditional love feels like from a parent’s perspective. We make cherishing and nurturing their spirits a top priority.
Love and happiness now clothe my heart.
Edge is my lover, my protector, and he has my unwavering loyalty, and I know I have his.
“Love, you look... like an angel sent from Heaven.” I’m drawn out of my thoughts and turn to focus on the handsome older man standing beside me looking mighty fine in a light gray suit with a blue vest, blue tie on a white shirt.
“Thank you, Dad,” I say softly to Boxer as he watches me with his kind brown eyes glistening, his jaw tightening in his bid to keep his emotions in check. He loves it when I call him Dad even though legally he isn’t my father. After all these years, he still wears his brown hair short although it is sprayed with a little salt-and-pepper these days. He’s morphing into a silver fox.
“You all right, love?” He’s questioning my quiet contemplation.
“Yes. My mind is wandering about in my past.” He nods in understanding.
“Anything you want to talk about, love?”
“Nah... I’m good. I wish Miss Catherine were alive to see us get married. She would have loved to have been here.”
Boxer looks down at his polished shoes and then up again. “Yeah... she would have. I’m sure she’s keeping watch and so proud of the life you and Edge have made with each other.”
“Yes. I know she would be too,” I say softly, my heart clenching just for a few heartbeats. I miss Miss Catherine so much. It’s hard not having her around—more so, today.
Boxer gives me a careful-not-to-mess-up-the-bride’s-hair heart-felt hug. Something he often does when he thinks I need the contact.
When he goes to pull away, I hold onto him a little longer.
From time to time, I wonder where my life would have ended up if I hadn’t knocked on Miss Catherine’s door that rainy night.
Edge and I would never have met. Even though my life took another turn for the worst from that meet-and-greet, I wouldn’t change a thing, because I wouldn’t have had Presley and Harper if I had never met Edge. We kind of hit that ‘for better or worse’ part a long time ago.
We aren’t perfect. No relationship is, but we are pretty close.
I went from the worst near-on twenty-one years of my life to the best eight months because of two kind souls and then I met my best friend, Lincoln.
I did offer him the job of maid-of-honor—because this is the twenty-first century—but he proudly and politely declined. I know just getting asked, made his day. I did assure him he wasn’t going to be forced to wear a dress, which made him bark out a laugh. At the time, Joel’s glasses had looked like he needed windscreen wipers on them.
Even now I wish Lincoln was in my bridal party, but I understand he wants to leave this to the women. He might be gay, but he and Joel are very manly-gay, and they have both been great support with baby showers, my bachelorette night and generally being there for me at every turn, and they are the best babysitters.
“You about ready to leave, love?” Boxer says in that British accent I adore against my ear while I still cling to him.
“Just another minute.” I need this contact. “By the way you smell nice.”
Boxer chuckles, squeezing me a little tighter. “I can do this for as long as you want, love, but there is a man waiting for you to make it official in the eyes of the law, although I bet he doesn’t much care for what the law thinks. You’ve been his ‘forever’ since he realized what an arse he’d been.” I don’t even have to see Boxer’s face to know he’s got a glint in his eyes and a wicked grin on his face. “You both got second chances, and you both deserve them. Today you officially pay homage to that second chance.”
I know Boxer’s trying to lighten the somber mood I’m allowing myself to slip into for a few minutes. I don’t care about messing up my hair or makeup. I just want to hold my father a little longer.
Boxer and Edge still like to behave like boys around each other, enjoying a little manly dig when the opportunity arises, and Boxer doesn’t hold back because of me. I know they both like each other; it’s just a harmless sport to them.
“And we’re not the only ones who got a second chance at happiness,” I whisper against his neck.
Boxer kisses me on the cheek
before stepping back. “And that’s the truth, love. Now if we’re to milk that second chance to its fullest, we better get you to the Wedding Bowl at Cuvier Park on time. All the bridesmaids and Evelyn should be seated in the Hummer by now. Phoenix is waiting outside with the kids. Your daughter is probably none-too-patiently waiting for her gramps”—he points to himself—”because I am the gramps-of-her-life.”
“She’s got you wrapped around her little finger.”
“And quite rightly so,” Boxer rumbles, sheer pride showing on his face. He loves all the children equally but having a little princess among the boys, well... “If you need a bit more time to yourself, I’ll take this opportunity to make some more memories to add to my office space, and you can come out when you’re ready.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
I’m left alone once again. A thought crosses my mind. I know tradition vetoes the groom seeing his bride before the wedding, but sometimes rules are meant to be broken. I think with a mischievous smile.
I walk over to the dining table, and pick up my cell phone, flicking through the images I took earlier before I got dressed in my wedding gown. I find the ones taken especially for Edge’s eyes only and choose one of the more risqué pictures (read: not safe for work) and write a few words before hitting send.
I note the time on the large decorative wall clock. If we leave now, we will only be a few minutes late. I know it’s a bride’s prerogative to be late for her wedding, but I’ve been ready for a long time now to become Mrs. Dallas ‘Edge’ Masson—officially—I need not wait any longer than necessary.
I won’t need to lock up. Some of Juan, the event planner’s trusted team will keep working right through. He assures me they will be gone and the garden ready for our party when Edge and I step foot back inside our home later this afternoon.
I head for the front door, popping my cell phone into my little clutch purse as I walk.
Little did I know a series of unfortunate events were about to unfold.