by J. Morgan
"What in the bloody hell are you thinking?” Stud growled. “I could have Chimp Fu-ed the crap out of you."
"Stow it. We have to go.” Breathred shouted from the closet.
Stud crossed his hairy arms. “You may have to go, but this primate ain't going nowhere."
"We're going to the Jumper.” Breathred teased, pulling the underwear over his head.
"So, what? Unlike you, I have no interest in mooning over Luna."
"Edith might be working.” Breathred smirked.
Stud rushed to his own closet. “Why didn't you say so, you dumb homosapien?"
* * * *
Forty-five minutes later the pair walked into the Java Jumper. The place sat devoid of the majority of its lunch crowd. There were enough bodies to make Breathred feel self-conscious of the leering eyes as he and Stud plopped down at the counter. On general principles, the slayer dismissed the majority of the stares.
Stud was more of a regular than most of the people in here. Breathred had been bringing the chimp in here for as long as he owned him, if anyone could be said to own the chimp. Sometimes Breathred got the distinct impression Stud saw the situation totally reversed.
Scanning the room, he saw no sign of Luna, but caught a glimpse of Edith roaming the far end of the counter. In the entire world, aside from Luna and Stud, she was the only person he willingly called his friend. Edith presented an imposing figure with skin the color of rich milk chocolate and a tall voluptuous figure, reminding Breathred of an Amazon, only one dressed in a blue waitress uniform.
"Hey sugah, be right with ya,” she yelled seeing him, her thick Southern accent floating across the room.
Breathred waved an enthusiastic hello, earning him a warm smile from the woman. His happiness at seeing his friend proved short lived. The smell of axel grease wafted across his nose. Rubbing the throbbing vein in his forehead, he looked over to see Stud running a comb through his pompadour with the look of lechery in the first degree on the chimp's face. Breathred felt the embolism coming at any minute. The chimp would be the death of him.
"You had better behave,” Breathred warned him.
"Like I would act otherwise around the delightful Miss Edith,” Stud whispered.
Breathred glanced around the room to make sure no one was listening to their conversation. “And remember, try not to talk too loud. We don't want you snapped up by some science freako."
Stud gave a silent shudder. Ever since they got the Discovery Science Channel, the chimp had developed a profound fear of scientists in general, which Breathred had found quite useful when dealing with Stud in social situations. By the time Breathred finished his warning, Edith had made her way over. He gave Stud a last eye twitch to reinforce the threat before turning to her.
"Well, boys what'll it be? The usual?” Edith asked.
"Nothing, I'm sorry to say. I was looking for Luna,” he mumbled, feeling bad about not ordering anything.
"She hasn't made it in, yet,” she answered, as she turned to Stud. “What about you, little man?"
"You know what I want, Hot Stuff."
"Monkey Boy, you couldn't handle what you want.” She shot him a disapproving look belying the laughter in her eyes.
"You know what they say...” Stud jumped up on the counter.
"And what would that be?” Edith asked, warily.
"Once you go chimp, everyone else seems limp.” He cocked his eyebrow.
"You know what sugah? That's the exact same thing I told my ex-husband right before I peeled his nut sack off with a spork,” Edith growled. “And if you don't get yo’ monkey ass off my counter, you'll find out about it firsthand.” To illustrate her point she pulled a cellophane-wrapped piece of plastic from her overflowing cleavage.
"Well of course propriety and all that,” Stud stammered, as he slid off the stained counter top.
"Do you want me to give her a message, Breathred?” she asked, clearly in no mood to put up with either of them for much longer.
"Yeah, tell her it's really important she gets a hold of me before five.” Breathred said, emphasizing the “really” and “important".
"Should I have her call your cell phone?” Edith asked, jotting down the message.
Breathred shot the chimp an angry glare. “No, have her call Stud's."
The woman let out a chuckle. “Lost yours again?"
"No, someone ran up my bill by calling 1-900-Hot Monkey Love."
Raising an eyebrow, Edith tapped the note before placing it in her apron pocket. “I'll be sure to give her the message as soon as she gets here."
Breathred swung his leg off the stool. “Well, we'd better get going."
Edith reached over and cupped his head back to hers before he could get up. “I know people who could put that monkey straight, if you know what I mean.” With a wicked smile she drew a line across her neck with her thumb.
"I'll keep it in mind,” he answered.
"You do that. Baby. Now, get,” she cackled, pushing him from the counter and toward the door.
* * * *
Stud could tell Breathred felt better after leaving the coffee shop, in spite of not catching Luna at the Jumper. With Edith on the case the chimp couldn't very well see what they had to worry about, not that he was concerned to begin with. Breathred was doing enough stressing for the both of them. So all he had to do was survive a trip to Clint's Comic Emporium and, hopefully, they'd be home in time for American Idol.
He made it a point to stick close to his master on these little excursions. The chimp had no love for crowds. Unbeknownst to humans, they stink. They didn't just stink. They stank. The whole stinking lot of them smelled like a week-old burrito fart.
If the smell wasn't bad enough, they had the bad habit of patting him on the head and he hated it. He wasn't some dog. He was simian supreme, the height of the evolutionary scale. Until he learned differently, Stud would continue to consider humans a little above cattle, but not as low as insurance underwriters.
Avoiding a group of head patters if he ever saw one, Stud spotted the comic store before Breathred, which was a wonder. The boy definitely had it bad not to have spotted his own personal wet dream. The thought gave Stud pause.
What if his big buddy was growing up? The concept was disturbing. For the past three years he had been the only grownup in this relationship. A change in the status quo would be quite unsettling.
"Come on, Stud. The comics are in. The comics are in!” Breathred screamed with glee before taking off at a dead run toward the little shop.
Stud breathed a sigh of relief. All his worrying was for nothing. His little man-boy wasn't going anywhere just yet. Stud wobbled after him, content the world had not tilted on its axis for the foreseeable future.
Stud sauntered into the shop a full five minutes after Breathred. He was immediately assaulted by a wall of quivering flesh. It stopped him cold in his tracks.
A dead silence loomed over the shop's narrow confines. A few hushed conversations invaded the lull, but otherwise the room was void of sound. The shuffling of comics by the shop's owner was the only sound dominating the place.
Stud scrambled up to a wooden rack full of bargain discount back issues. This drew a sharp intake of breath from those closest to him. Bared teeth and an upturned middle digit silenced them.
Once atop his tower of periodicals, Stud had a full view of the shop. He caught sight of Breathred edging close to the sales desk. Go get ‘em, boy, but I'm staying put, Stud thought.
Breathred saw his bid for comic heaven dashed, as a pair of Goth twins pushed him to the back of the line. He knew from experience you didn't mess with those two. It wasn't that they were dangerous. They weren't, on the whole. It was just too hard to clean white-face and mascara out of your clothes once they touched you.
Breathred decided a few minute's wait wouldn't kill him. It would damage him mentally, but not kill him. He checked his watch. It was 2:57, three hours until his meeting with Dr. Grayson. How long could this re
alistically take?
An hour and a half later, Breathred saw the daylight at the end of the tunnel. After the Goth kids, came the Marvel junkies, then a horde of Gathering players descended in full regalia. Breathred knew when to back away, and this was the time to back away.
When the store finally emptied, Breathred emerged from the back issues and made his way to the counter. Clint, the store owner, gave him a tired smile. Exhaustion peppered his weary face. Despite the tired look, he happily retrieved Breathred's books from their cubical.
Clint placed the books in front of him. “Big stack for you this week, man."
Breathred scrunched up his face, looking shamefully toward the floor. “I can't get everything this week. My fundage is running a little short."
"That's cool. Get what you can and the rest'll be here.” Clint slid the books toward him. “Say how's the new job going?"
"Rough, but I just got a new client,” Breathred flipped through the stack. He pulled two titles he couldn't live without then pulled the Holy Grail from the bottom of the stack, Tales of The Undead.
"Sounds cool. This it?” Clint asked before ringing him up.
"Yeah, I'll be in as soon as I get paid,” Breathred assured him.
"No problem. I know you're good for it."
"You haven't seen Luna today have you?"
"No, her manga won't be in till the end of the month,” Clint said.
Breathred picked up his books and change. He headed for the door then stopped. “Say, if you see her, tell her to call me."
"Sure thing. Have a good week, man,” Clint called out.
"You too."
This was not good. He had wasted way too much time. It was after four and he didn't have the time to go back to the Jumper to find out from Luna where the stinking science building was. Without her, he could spend half the night wandering the campus and still not find the right building. He could get lost going to the bathroom, and he knew it.
* * * *
Stud knew something was wrong with his master. Behind the childlike exterior, Breathred was a troubled man. This was one case where tough love wasn't going to help solve the problem. Even though it was breaking character, Stud would now have to be caring and helpful.
Stud pulled him down on the nearest bus-stop bench. “Breathred, mind telling me what's wrong?"
"I'm hopeless.” Breathred dropped his head into his cupped hands.
"In what way besides the obvious?” Stud regretting saying it before it left his mouth.
"You see? That's what I mean. If my own chimp doesn't respect me, how can I respect myself?” Breathred moaned.
Stud placed a tiny hand on the man-child's shoulder. “You're being too hard on yourself. I know I give you a hard time, but it doesn't mean I don't respect you."
"You mean it?"
"Of course I do. You may have your little foibles, but you pretty much have everything in hand. You keep me in line; don't you?"
"Yeah, I guess so,” Breathred agreed, reluctantly.
"See, there you go. Now, tell me what's really troubling you."
"I have to meet the new client at the college, and I have no idea where to go. I've been trying to find Luna so she could help, but I don't have the time to look for her anymore. I wasted all afternoon at Clint's when I should have been out trying to find her. If that wasn't bad enough, my goolies are still itching from last night.” The words flew from him in a sobbing stream.
Stud slumped down. This was worse than he thought. Breathred was losing what little confidence he'd managed to build up over the years, and what made matter's worse, he didn't have all that much to begin with. The problem was he'd begun to depend on Luna. Breathred had never depended on anybody before and had done all right for himself. Since his unrequited paramour stepped into the picture, Breathred looked to the girl for all the answers.
True, she did have most of them. Her omnipresence wasn't the point. Breathred was smart in an academic type of way. Everything else he tended to be clueless about. For him to foist all this on Luna was unfair—to both him and her. Well, his co-dependence had to stop, and now was as good a time as any.
"Snap out of it, Butt-Brain. We don't need her. We're the team here. You're the one with the degree from Boffrend's, not her.” Stud had to suppress a chuckle when he said it. “Between the two of us, there's nothing we can't do. Now, where are we supposed to meet this client?"
"At the science building.” Breathred sniffled.
"No problem. We go to the college. We can check the school index and find it ourselves. It can't be that damn hard. Co-eds do it all the time.” Stud rose to his feet.
"Yeah, we can, can't we?” Breathred half-heartedly grinned back.
"You bet your ass we can.” Stud slapped him across the back.
Breathred stood up with renewed vigor. Stud smiled as he fell in step behind him. All the boy needed was a little push. The good thing about dealing with the simple-minded, they never realized behind every mediocre man was an above-average chimpanzee.
[Back to Table of Contents]
Six
From Dusk to Dawn isn't just a movie—it's the vampire way of life.
True to his word, Stud had little trouble finding the Science building, once reaching the college campus. After a fifteen-minute tour of the grounds they found themselves on the steps leading up to the William Gates Memorial Science Complex.
They had made it with minutes to spare, which was good for them. Breathred had an unnatural fear of elevators to go along with the other long list of phobias dominating his feeble psyche. He appreciated the fact Stud had learned to cope with them over the years, but wished the chimp wouldn't keep throwing them in his face at every opportunity. It didn't make the chimpanzee any easier to deal with, but it did make things quite interesting for those around him.
Room 507 thankfully sat right across from the stairwell exit. After the walk across the city to get here in the first place, he could tell Stud was about as tired as a primate could be. Breathred, on the other hand, had caught his second wind somewhere in the stairwell. The excitement was carrying him long after sanity should have told him to fall flat on his face.
Breathred straightened his black duster. He had opted to forego the leather body suit in favor of a more comfortable outfit, though remained dressed in all black, as befitted his occupation. The fabric was just not as stressful against his tender flesh as leather would have been. He was still chafing from last night, but didn't want to bring the fact to anyone's attention by walking all funny. Smelling like baby powder was bad enough without anyone knowing the reason why.
Once Breathred was sure the outfit presented the proper image, he knocked on the classroom door. No one answered. Backing up a step, Breathred wondered if he had the right room. Maybe, they'd come to the wrong room. It wouldn't be the first time that mistake had popped up. Being half asleep when he took the call probably could explain the confusion if the room number was indeed wrong. Looking down to Stud for moral support, the chimp shrugged, which was really no help at all.
Breathred was about to knock again when Stud reached up and opened the door. Not to be outdone by his companion, Breathred eased in front of him and entered the room. It took him a minute to see the shape of a woman at the far end of the room who was almost invisible among the scattered desks and failing fluorescent lights lighting the cramped space.
Breathred guessed the woman must be Dr. Grayson. Truthfully, she looked nothing like he had imagined her to be. She was sitting atop her desk going over a file with a pen tucked into the corner of her mouth, her auburn hair pulled back into an unruly bun, held together by crisscrossed pencils. Totally engrossed in her work, she didn't notice them until Stud let out a none-too-subtle grunt.
"May I help you?” she asked, obviously startled by the strange-looking pair.
Breathred fell into his slayer mode. “Breathred Petrifunck of Petrifunck Paranormal at your service. We spoke this afternoon."
"Ah, yes.
Thank you so much for coming,” she said with a hint of doubt in her voice, which raised a notch when Stud eased his head around Breathred's side. “Excuse me but is that a chimpanzee behind you?"
Breathred shoved Stud back behind him. “Pay him no mind. He's my assistant."
"Mr. Petrifunck, I think I may have made a mistake in calling you. I hate to have wasted your time.” The professor stood up from the desk and began ushering them back toward the door.
"I don't think so ma'am. You're obviously in need, otherwise you wouldn't have called.” Breathred stuck his hand against the doorframe to halt his untimely expulsion.
"You silly button. She called you because I told her to do it,” Luna snorted, ducking under Breathred's outstretched arm to enter the room.
"Luna?” Breathred's jaw dropped a full five inches at the sound of her voice.
Luna gave him a peck on his confused cheek. “Who else, Sweetie?"
"Ms. Walking Batch, as I told Mr. Petrifunck, this was a mistake."
"Wrong, Doc. You showed me the ancient tablet. I guarantee Breathy here is the only one who can help you figure it out,” Luna said, folding her arms.
"Well, I'm already here after all,” Breathred interjected. Normally, he wouldn't come between Luna and her folded arms, but this was a special occasion. “You have absolutely nothing to lose by explaining the situation now, do you?"
The professor threw her hands up in resignation. “All right, come back in."
"Hold everything, Toots. We ain't doing nothing until we discuss our fee. We have expenses to think of,” Stud jumped in.
"The monkey talks!” Dr. Grayson shouted, stumbling back to her desk in shock.
"Course I do. And it's a chimpanzee, if you please, Hot Stuff. Otherwise the human there wouldn't know his head from his ass.” Stud pointed back to Breathred.
"B-but monkeys don't talk."
"Look, we've already been over that. I talk. I walk. Hey, hey I'm the monkey. Get over it so we can get to the good part,” Stud said, sounding frustrated by the whole thing.