Fear creeps into my lungs, forcing them to rapidly expand, as I open her mouth and breathe into her. After one or two breaths I scream for my brother. “Jessie!”
I stumble to my feet, catching myself before grabbing ahold of her armpits and dragging her from her own puke. She needs help, now.
My brother storms out the door, and when he sees me hauling my mother up the steps he hurries to grab her legs. “What happened to her?”
“I don’t know, but she’s not breathing.” We carry her inside. “Her heart stopped beating, Jessie!”
“Fuck,” he says as we put her on the floor. He runs off to the bathroom, and I’m left with my dead mother lying on the floor. Is she really dead? Can she still be saved? Would it even be worth it?
I feel horrible for thinking these things, but I do. I love her and need her, but I wouldn’t miss the things she puts us through. I think we’d be better off without her.
My brother comes back with a huge needle, scaring the living shit out of me.
“What the fuck is that?” I yell, my eyes widening.
“Adrenaline shot.” Jessie slides down onto the floor, right beside our mother, as he takes off the cap and holds the needle above her chest.
“Wait? What? You’re gonna shoot her up with something? She’s dying!”
“This is the only way to save her!” he yells as he brings down the needle with great force, slamming it into her chest, right where her heart is.
My breath catches in my throat as I stare at the body lying before me. Like a zombie raised from the dead her eyes jerk open, and she takes a big breath.
My brother and I are both silent as she gets up from the floor, screaming while pulling the needles from her chest and arm. Shaking vigorously, she wipes the vomit from her mouth.
“What the hell?” she yells at my brother. “What did you do to me?”
“I fucking saved your life!” He frowns, wincing. “I regret the decision already.”
Her eyes fill with tears again as she stares at the needle in her hand. She was the one who instructed us to use it if her heart ever stopped beating. She told us where it was and how to use it.
Jessie slams his fists on the floor, catching me off guard. “Don’t you ever fucking do that to us again!”
Then he gets up, breathing and snorting like a bull, and goes to his room, slamming his door shut behind him. Sometimes it becomes too much, even for him.
♥♥♥
Present
I kick open the door and walk out of the dorm, oblivious to everyone around me. I need to escape for a moment, and staring at the sky is the best escape there is. So I walk to the grass and sit down right in the middle. It’s dark outside, the premises barely lit by scarce lamps. Being alone right now sets my mind free.
I breathe out a few times, but when I feel a hand on my shoulder I jolt up. Startled, I look up and see Jaret standing right next to me.
“Admiring the stars?”
I turn my head, clearing my throat. “Sort of.”
He keeps standing there, even though I’ve already shut up, clearly not in the mood for talking. He sits down next to me and starts plucking at the grass. After a while he stares up at the sky just like me, but instead of keeping silent, he sighs every few seconds.
It doesn’t take too long for me to snap. “Would you cut that out?”
“Sorry,” he says, throwing a few blades of grass away.
It’s quiet again. I like it that way, but it seems as though he’s intent on talking to me, and I don’t understand why.
“Staring at the stars is relaxing,” he muses.
“Hmhm.”
“Really makes you forget about all the bad stuff, you know.”
“Uhuh …” I’m getting more and more suspicious of his motives.
“Like … not having to deal with certain problems in your life.”
I sigh. “What’s the deal, dude?”
He raises an eyebrow. “Nothing. I’m just having a moment here.”
“You? Having a moment?” I snort. “Right.”
“Well, you can’t deny this is somewhat therapeutic.”
I shake my head and chortle. “What’s your point?”
“I’m saying you should talk about it instead of walking away.”
“Oh, fuck no … not you too.” I try to get up, but Jaret throws his arm around my neck.
“Hey now, hold on a minute.”
“What are you doing? Seriously, I am not in the mood for a lecture. If I wanted to be on Dr. Phil, I’d have called his show by now.”
“I’m not going to lecture you. C’mon, sit down.”
“Then what are you up to?”
“I’m just sitting here, talking to you. That’s all.”
“And what if I don’t want to talk?”
He smiles and makes a funny face. “Ha! You say that, but you don’t mean it. Your frustration is practically oozing out of you. That’s gonna burst sometime, and you don’t want her to see that, do you?”
I purse my lips. “Too late for that.”
“Damn.” Jaret scratches his head.
“Yep. That’s why I said I’m not in the mood.”
“Oh, c’mon, when was the last time you had a good man-to-man talk?”
“You sound like one of my teachers. Should I be pluggin’ my ears yet?”
With his arm around my neck, Jaret keeps me down on the grass, almost squeezing the life out of me. “Spill it. You’re not leaving until you do.”
“All right, all right, you don’t have to choke me.”
He grins, releasing me from his grip while I take a deep breath.
“Fine … she asked about my parents.”
He frowns. “Oh …” He knows about our history. My brother told him all about it back when they became friends. Jessie has always been the one who could deal with his emotions much better than me. It’s like he can tell anyone without feeling humiliated or hurt all over again. Sometimes I think he doesn’t feel anything. Maybe he’s just trying to be strong …
“I get what you mean,” he says.
“Yeah … I couldn’t tell her. I just …” I sigh. “Every time I think about it I get so fucking pissed off I just want to kick the shit out of everything I come across. I don’t want her to witness that. I don’t want her to get hurt either. So I left.”
“Sorry, dude.”
I grab a few blades of grass and start playing with them while thinking about this. I should tell her, someday, but I’m not sure if today is right. I’ve been nasty toward her, and this thing blocking me from being open about it isn’t going to be resolved in a matter of hours, let alone minutes. I need time to think about this. I need time to know if I can share this with her without scaring her away. Showing her my broken, fucked-up history is not something I thought I would be doing. I never think ahead …
My head sinks between my arms as I let out a roar. Jaret pats my back, helping me release my frustration into the ground.
“A bit of yelling always does some good.”
“You don’t understand. She’s fucking pissed at me right now, I know she is. I left her after I screamed right in her fucking face. And it’s not her fault … I’m just … fucked up.” I throw the grass away and brush my fingers through my hair.
“Your past doesn’t define you. Sure, it gave you experience, but it’s not who you are. Your worth isn’t based on your history,” he says.
I can’t believe that’s coming from Jaret’s mouth. I remember my brother telling me that Jaret surprises him sometimes. He does really sound like Dr. Phil right now.
“What you do right now, in the present, that’s way more important,” he says, his eyes drifting off to the galaxy again as if he’s thinking about his own words of wisdom.
I laugh out loud. I don’t know why, but I’m laughing so hard right now. Probably because of the overly dramatic wisdom he’s laying on me. It’s hilarious to hear him talk like he knows the world, like he has an all-seei
ng eye or something.
“What you laughing at?” Jaret bumps against my shoulder.
“You.”
“Motherfucker,” he grumbles, punching me in the shoulder while laughing with me.
“Well, at least I got you laughing again. That’s a start.”
“Hmmm …” I scratch my beard. “Doesn’t take away the worries.”
“The worries? You mean about your parents? Or about Autumn?”
“Both.” It surprises me that he calls her Autumn. I’m so used to calling her Leafy now. It’s been my nickname for her ever since I met her. At first I couldn’t remember her name. Now I don’t even want to. I want us to remain just the way we were, how I liked her, as my Leafy. That’s my special thing with her that nobody can take away.
“Ahh … don’t worry about it. She’ll understand.”
“I don’t think so. It’s tough. She doesn’t know what it’s like to have no parents.”
“Hey, look at me. I have parents, but that doesn’t mean jack shit. They’re never here. I could be dead for all they care. Having parents isn’t always the best thing, you know. I mean, they did force me to go to school here, even though they don’t give two shits about how I’m doing or even bother to talk to me every once in a while.”
He’s got a point there. His youth wasn’t the best either. His parents are always traveling for their work, and they treat him like an accessory rather than their kid. I’m not sure I would even want to have parents if they were like that.
“Either way, parents suck. No matter what kind.”
Jaret laughs. “Definitely.” He makes a bro-fist with me, and we get up from the grass.
Suddenly my phone rings. “Hello?”
“Dude, I got the job!” It’s my brother.
“What? You’re shittin’ me!”
“I fucking did it! I’m a bouncer, man!”
The darkness looming in my heart evaporates into thin air. The smile on my face is beaming. “Yes! That’s fucking fantastic!”
“God, this is the first time in ages they actually took me on.”
“Good. That’s great news. I’m proud of you, Jessie.”
I can hear him sniff. “Thanks, man. I’m gonna make you even prouder, little brother.”
“You do that. You do your fucking best to keep this job, okay? I want you to succeed. Just like you want me to.”
He clears his throat. “I’ll do my best. I won’t disappoint you. I promise.”
I bite my cheek, not knowing what to say for a second. “I’m rooting for you.”
“Thanks, bro. I’ll see you later then.” And then he hangs up the phone.
The smile slowly dissipates from my face. These moments of happiness never last long. It’s because I know his job won’t last. I know Jessie. He’s my brother, I know him better than anyone else. He can’t keep a job, he never could. They always kick him out because of his ADD. It’s only a matter of time before he gets fired again.
He’ll disappoint himself the most, and that’s what makes me wish he never had to do this again. If I could only find a job instead of him, he wouldn’t have to go through all those rejections. I want to spare him the misery of having to feel beaten, not physically, but mentally. It’s the worst kind of broken there is.
I just hope things will be all right.
“You okay?” Jaret asks, interrupting my thoughts.
I gape at him for a moment before regaining my awareness. “Uh, yeah. Thanks. Much better now.”
“You good to go?” He pats me on the shoulder, checking if I’m really okay.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just needed a breather. That’s all.”
“So … you’re going back up there? To her?” He raises an eyebrow. “You up for it?”
I take a deep breath. “There’s no other choice. A man’s gotta make up for his failures.”
Jaret laughs out loud and slaps me on the back. “That’s the spirit.”
CHAPTER 9
OUT OF THE CLOSET
Autumn
The lights are out, and my eyes are closed when I hear the door creak. I crack one eye open and peer at the door. Hunter comes in with sagged shoulders and a defeated look on his face. Heaviness follows him inside. Regret and sadness unfurl in my stomach. It hurts me just to see him like this. My first instinct is to jump out of bed and hug him, but I realize that’ll only make him feel worse. He feels guilty for what he did, how he reacted toward me. I can see it from the look on his face, how he’s staring at the floor as he stomps inside. I don’t want him to feel this way. The moment I mentioned his parents he flipped out, and I don’t know why, but it’s obviously something that hurts him a lot. I don’t want to make it any worse than it is.
So I stay in bed and close my eyes again as he approaches. I hold my breath as he leans over, and I feel his breath on my skin. His moist lips gently press a kiss on my skin and a soft breath escapes from my mouth. It’s such a tender, warm kiss; it melts my heart.
He undresses in front of me, and I can’t help but peek at his muscular torso appearing underneath that shirt he’s taking off. I love looking at his ripped abs and the V-line that shows when he takes off his jeans. I pretend to be asleep as he crawls into my bed and huddles close to me. He drapes his arm over my waist and drags me closer, groaning against the back of my neck. Then he takes a huge sniff, smelling me like he always does. A long, drawn out sigh slips from his mouth. I can feel his heart beat against my back, but it’s slowly reducing in speed. He’s calming down because he’s with me, and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I’m glad he came back and that he’s staying with me. When he was gone, Evie came in, but I asked her if she could sleep in her friend’s dorm room tonight. She understood, since we’re a couple now. I’m just glad she left before Hunter came back. That would’ve been a mess. Especially because of how he feels right now. I wonder why it’s bothering him so much that I asked about his family.
Something horrible must’ve happened for him to act this way. On one hand I’m curious to find out, but on the other I don’t want to make it worse than it already is. I don’t want to see him in pain, and yet I know talking about it is the only way to make it go away. However, he’s not ready for it, so I’ll wait until he is.
I’ll be here for him, as long as he needs me. It’s just like he said: I need him as much as he needs me. We can’t stay mad at each other. We can’t even breathe one second without each other. It’s okay if things aren’t perfect; we’ll work on it. I still love him, even after his outburst. And I know he still loves me, despite what I did to make him feel the way he does.
Having him here with me tonight soothes his pain. I can tell from the way he’s breathing, much more relaxed, and from the way he’s snuggling me. With his arm around me I feel safe and loved, and I know everything will be okay. No matter the struggle, we’ll get through it.
♥♥♥
Hunter’s under the shower, getting ready for the day, when Evie storms into my room, bawling her eyes out. I’ve never seen her cry like that; it’s like she opened a canned river or something.
Evie stumbles inside, flops down on my bed, and falls onto my lap. She’s crying like crazy, and the words she’s uttering sound more like blubbering than actual words. I don’t understand a thing she’s saying.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“My p-parents … t-they …”
“Shh…” I shush her, patting her back as she sobs. “Calm down.”
“My parents … they came to school … and I was sitting in the lounge … with her.”
Oh no. I understand what happened. Her parents saw her with the girl she likes. Crap.
“Oh … I’m sorry,” I say. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know how to fix this. I can’t. Her parents just can’t get it through their thick skulls that she is who she is and that nothing’s going to change that.
I just don’t want her to feel this way. I don’t want her to be sad. It hurts
just to look at her. Her family should accept her the way she is. I want that for her. I want her to have a happy family, something I couldn’t get.
“Let’s talk to them,” I say.
“W-what?” she stammers.
“They’re still here, right?”
“Y-yeah, they’re waiting for me down in the hall. I told them I needed to grab some stuff first.” She sniffs. “Oh God. I don’t want to talk to them.”
“You have to. They saw you. They won’t let this rest.”
“I know, but I can’t tell them. What if they hate me? What if they never talk to me again?”
“They won’t. They’re your parents. They should accept you for the way you are.”
“But what if they can’t? I don’t want to lose them …”
I grab her hand and squeeze. “But you can’t stay in the closet forever. It’ll only hurt you more.”
She hiccups. “I don’t know …”
“I’ll help you,” I say.
“You will?” She looks up at me, her eyes all red and swollen.
“Of course. I’m your best friend. I’ll always support you.” I smile at her to make her feel more at ease. She needs to know that she can rely on me. I’m here for her, and I’ll drag her through this. If she can’t be strong, I will be strong for her.
“C’mon, let’s go.” I pull her up from my bed and put my arm around her as we walk out the door together.
Her parents are in the lounge, sitting on a couch. When they spot us coming downstairs, their faces turn into rigid, blank stares, as if they just saw a ghost pass by. It horrifies me they’d look at their daughter this way.
They get up from the couch and walk out of the dorm, her father signaling us to follow. Evie wipes her tears on her sleeve as I gaze into her eyes and say, “You okay?”
She nods quickly, taking in a sharp breath. “I’m ready. I’ve waited too long with this.”
“You want me to come?”
“Yeah …”
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