“I can’t do it, Jessie. I told you many times that college isn’t for me.”
“But you could’ve tried!”
“I did!” I stop cooking and turn around to face him.
“No, you didn’t! After everything I’ve sacrificed to give you a proper education, this is what you do?” The disappointment in his voice is brutalizing. I can’t stand to hear it.
“I’m doing what I think is right.”
“By fucking quitting?”
“I was going to find a job and help around the house.”
“I told you, I can handle it. When will you get it through your thick skull that you need to study so you can get a better job and be happy? That’s all I ever wanted for you, Hunter. That my little brother was happy,” he hisses.
“And you think studying will make me happy? Pretending to be someone I’m not?”
“At least you’d have a better shot at a good life.”
“At your expense, yeah,” I snap. “My happiness is not the only thing that matters. Not to me.”
“I don’t matter.”
I can’t believe that he says that. That he fucking says he doesn’t matter. To me he matters …
“Can’t you see that I did everything for you? Because you’re my little brother, and I want the best for you. You threw it all away.”
His disappointment is seeping into every word he spews, and it hurts. It fucking hurts. I’m trying to do what’s best, the only thing I can do, but he just won’t see it.
Frustrated, I snatch my bag off the couch and rummage through the contents, throwing out everything as I search for my notebook. “There was nothing to throw away. I had no chance, and you know that. Your buddies from the gang cheated me into college. I didn’t even do it on my own. I don’t belong there. From the moment I started I knew I was doomed to fail. I tried everything I could to study. I went to class, but couldn’t remember shit when I got back to my dorm room. I fucking kept notes everywhere, and even those didn’t work.”
The notes crumpled in my hand scatter through the room as I throw them at his face in a desperate attempt to make him see. To make him realize that it’s not my fault, that I’m not doing this on purpose, and that it’s really that bad. To make him notice the real me.
Jessie clenches his jaw, grinding his teeth as he stares me down. Then he turns around. “I’m going to look for a job. Don’t wait for me.”
When he slams the door it feels like he tore my heart out with him.
I sink back into the couch and gaze at the empty house, which feels like it’s closing in on me with every passing second. This room is too tiny, and I’m suffocated by anxiety. Blinded by anger, I let out a roar and punch the couch with my fist. It doesn’t reduce the pain of failure. I feel so fucking powerless. I should be helping, but Jessie won’t let me, even though I know he needs me. Even if he wanted me to, there’s no going back now, but I’m starting to wonder if I really did make the right choice.
Leaning over, I bury my head between my hands and brush my fingers through my hair, trying to get a grip on the situation. Hope is slipping through my hands. I thought I could fight for the future, but if my only family doesn’t support the decisions I make, how can I?
When the key shifts in the lock, I don’t even look up to see who’s coming in. I don’t care anymore. But when I hear her voice, my body instantly responds to her call.
“Hunter?”
CHAPTER 11
GIVING MY ALL
Autumn
His body is limp on the couch and for a moment my heart stops beating as a horrible thought crosses my mind. When his head momentarily lifts to glance up at me my tense muscles relax again. It’s scary to see him like this. I don’t know what happened, but the broken look on his face and the defeated way he’s sitting there in between all the crap tells me something went terribly wrong.
Papers and notes lie scattered on the floor, a pot with beans is burning on the stove, and the chair and table are thrown down onto the floor. It looks like a fight went down here, and I can already guess what it was about.
His brother is nowhere to be seen, so I assume he’s left. I know what Hunter was doing at the dean’s office, as he told me he was going to stop taking classes. It didn’t take much time to register that he was going to quit college entirely. A part of me wanted to stop him, because I want him to stay. However, selfish isn’t what I want to be. He must have a good reason for wanting to quit, and I should respect that.
I walk to the stove and turn off the gas, taking off the pot and setting it on the kitchen tabletop. It’s not that badly burned yet—it’s still edible, although I doubt Hunter has any appetite left.
Picking up all the notes from the floor, I can’t help but glance at a few of them and notice all the things that he scribbled down. Dates, times, room numbers, names, homework, everything is here. My jaw drops in shock as I stare at the papers in my shaking hand. They’re all Hunter’s work, and it looks like he wrote pretty much everything down that he had to remember. He uses these to remember things. Oh my God.
Gazing at him with my mouth open, I wonder how long he’s been doing this. Is this normal for him? I remember him telling me about his learning disability, but I never thought it was this bad. Has he been hiding it from me all this time? Why didn’t he just tell me? Was he afraid of how I’d react? Or was he afraid I’d no longer see him in the same light?
Then I realize the one thing that’s always bothered him. Pity.
Oh no … I do feel pity for him, even though I hate to admit it, I do. Now I see why he hates it so much. It reminds him of his flaws every time he sees that look on my face.
Crap. I don’t want him to feel that way. After everything he did, he should be proud. It doesn’t matter if he has this much of a learning disability. It’s who he is. He can do so much more; it doesn’t make him any less wonderful. I realize now that this is the true reason for him quitting college, and that there was no other way. He really doesn’t belong there.
I walk up to him and place my hand softly on his shoulder. He shivers from my touch, almost unable to accept my love, but lets me come closer anyway. Being vulnerable scares him. I don’t want him to be scared. I want to help him get through this and be there for him. So I cradle him in my arms and kiss his hair, showing him that it’s okay to have a weakness and that I won’t judge him for it.
He too has fear he must overcome. We both need to grow, and it’s okay to admit that. It’s okay to make mistakes and learn from them.
I sink to my knees in front of him, hugging him tight as I drop to the floor. I peek underneath his arms, which are draped over his head, trying to hide himself. I manage to catch a glimpse of those beautiful gray eyes that draw out all my emotions and lay them bare for him to see.
“It’s okay,” I say, patting him on the back. “I’m here.”
“I quit … I really quit college. Fuck …”
“You had no other choice.”
“What?” he stammers, looking up at me with red eyes. “You … I thought you wanted me to stay in college at all cost?”
I sigh. “What I want isn’t what you need, and I see that now.”
Inhaling sharply, he says, “I don’t get it. I thought I was doing everyone a favor by going after something else I can do instead. Really make things work for everyone. Find a job. Get some money rolling in so my brother won’t have to carry the whole shitload.”
“I understand. You want to do something you like. You were never the type to go to college anyway.”
He sighs, shaking his head. “You don’t understand. I love learning new things, but I can’t. I can’t learn anything. Nothing stays in my head. You saw the notes. Now you know.” He takes in a loud sniff, trying to control his temper.
“But that’s not who you are.”
“It is who I am! Don’t you see? I was born with a brain defect. I can’t study, no matter how much I want to for everyone’s sake. It’s all because … because �
�”
I place my hand on his cheek, cupping his face as I gently caress him. He shouldn’t feel this way about himself. “What you have doesn’t make you who you are. You decide that.” I rest my head on his chest and hug him tight. He seems abashed, taken away by my sudden need to show my love for him, but I know that our connection is stronger than ever now.
“It’s because of her. My mother,” he mutters. “She … I don’t know her any other way than completely wasted and on drugs.”
I swallow when he says those words, but try not to flinch from utter shock. All the pieces of the puzzle fall into place. His hatred for drugs, his uncontrollable desire to destroy the gang, this tension between us because of his family, his behavior when I tried to know more about his history. He hates it all, and he hates himself for it. What his mother did to him tainted his soul.
“I didn’t want to tell you because I thought you’d …”
I place a finger on his lips. “Shh … It’s not your fault. Whatever it is you’re thinking, stop. I get it now. I understand everything.”
“You do?” he says, frowning, like he can’t believe it.
“It doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care if you can’t do something because of what you have. I don’t care about shame because of your family. I don’t care about money, nor do I care about your disability. It doesn’t make you who you are.” I trace a finger over his chest, pointing exactly above his heart. I can feel it beating underneath my finger. “I love you here for who you really are. Kind. Loving. Helpful. Stubborn. Strong. Cocky. A tease. My man.”
As I look up into his gleaming gray eyes, he smiles back at me. It warms my heart to see him the way he really is. No secrets between us. No boundaries. No limits. Just like he said. This is what it truly means to love someone.
His lips part and he inches forward, catching my face between his hands in a moment of pure impulsiveness. His mouth crashes onto mine with fervor, clinging to my lips like it’s the very last thing he’ll do on this earth. He’s pouring every part of his soul into this one kiss that sets my heart ablaze.
“God, I love you so much,” he says, his lips grazing mine. “I need you more than fucking life right now.” He nips my upper lip, sucking on it a little while, looking at me with tempting, luscious eyes.
Drawing closer together, I entangle my fingers in his hair, kissing his raw, full lips with eagerness. I want him to feel my love, want him to know that I’ll always be there for him, no matter how rough it gets. I need him to feel that every inch of my heart beats for him alone.
I don’t even have the time to draw a quick breath before his lips are on mine again, exploring every crevice with hunger for love. It’s like he’s insatiable, wanting more and more of me. He sips at my lips, taking each in his mouth and nipping them slightly with his teeth. Tingling with heat, my mouth feels hot and wet from his tongue dipping out to meet mine in a mixture of desire and affection. This is no longer just lust, but utter passion, and I take every fleeting second as a gift. I’ve never felt this warmhearted before. It’s breathtaking.
Tender, feather-light kisses are planted all over my mouth as he cups my face with both hands, pulling me up from the floor. My hands are on his knees, leaning forward to keep my mouth locked on his. My lips are raw and swollen from his aching kisses, a wantonness for his flame growing deep inside me. My skin tingles from the goose bumps appearing as he drags his lips from my mouth to my neck, pecking me wherever he goes. A grunt escapes his mouth as he presses his last kiss against my damp skin.
My eyes slowly crack open as he retreats, sighing with a grumble. “W-why are you stopping?” I say. I want him to kiss me. He needs this right now. I know he does.
“I might act like a dick all the time, but I’m not going to take advantage of you like this.”
I frown, confused. “You’re not. I want to do this. I want you to kiss me.”
Hunter licks his lips in such a seductive way it makes me yearn for them even more. “It’s gonna turn into more than that if we keep going.”
“What do you mean?”
He nods down at his jeans, and as my gaze drifts down, my eyebrows rise at the sight of the bump.
He laughs a little, but it sounds croaky. “You do that to me.”
My tongue dips out to lick my lips, and I realize I crave more than just his kisses. I feel bad for wanting this right now, the desire to feel him inside me, but I know he wants it too. I can tell from the bulge straining in his pants. My eyes dart back to his face, the square jawline, and cute, boyish smile that appears when he sees I’m checking him out.
“I like it,” I say, admitting that maybe I am a little naughty after all.
A cocky half-smile quirks up his lip. “Hmmm …” He wraps his arms around me and pulls me in for a kiss again. His light, reverent kisses send shivers down my spine as my hand slides up his leg. His muscles twitch when I reach his cock.
For a second he unlatches his mouth from mine. “You sure about that, Leafy?”
“Yes,” I breathe against his lips.
“You don’t have to do it for me.”
“But I want to. I want to know what you feel like.” My fingers slide up his bulge and a riveting rush of blood courses through my veins as I feel his cock thump against my hand. His parted lips and lustful gasp make my clit throb. Heat flushes my cheeks as I take a handful of him and still don’t have big enough hands to take him fully.
I gently rub his jeans, increasing my pace as his groans ignite a flame inside me I didn’t know I had. It feels powerful to be in control of his pleasure like this and to see that look of pure ecstasy in his eyes. His face darkens with primal desire as I unbutton his jeans and zip them down.
“Fucking hell … you do know that this is fucking turning me on like crazy, right?”
“Hmhm …” I hum.
“Christ … what you do to me …” he murmurs with a low voice, causing my body to react to his sound, wavering. It’s like I’m responding to his desperate call for release, and I really do want to give him that release. I want to please him, and see him in his full glory as he lets go of everything.
His skin is riddled with goose bumps. “You’re sitting on the floor in front of me, begging to love me. It’s a fucking fantasy of mine to see you like that.”
I giggle. “A fantasy?”
“Yeah … you … between my legs … With my cock in your hands … or in your mouth,” he groans as I rub his cock, covered by only a thin layer of cotton.
I suppress a grin as he says that. It excites me how he talks. It’s so rude and yet such a turn-on. I’m not exactly experienced, though, and I’m not so sure I can handle so much already. I’ve not even touched him with my bare hands yet, let alone taken him in my mouth.
Biting my lip, I ease down on the rubbing and look at his bulge, feeling it throb underneath my hand. Surprised, I see him gaze at me with raised eyebrows, and I feel a little caught in my moment of doubt. As if he knows what I’m thinking, which is that I’m too scared to make the next move, he lowers his boxer briefs and takes out his cock. The tip is glistening with pre-come, and my clit responds with a thump the moment I spot it.
Licking and biting his bottom lip, he says, “You can touch it. I don’t bite.”
I lean back on my legs, my heels serving as a cushion, as I take him with both hands. I’m overcome with hunger when I feel his naked cock pulsate against my fingers as I wrap them around the base. The look in his eyes is greedy, thirsty, animalistic, and I can’t help but fall totally in love with this man I call mine.
His cock feels good in my hands and I start to rub it up and down, moving in gentle, slow motions. He grunts from my touch, his brows drawn together as he bites his lip. “Sorry,” I say, as it feels like I might be pulling his skin down too much. I don’t want to hurt him.
“Why? I love it. … Fuck …” he says with a guttural voice, alerting all my senses.
His legs part, giving me room to maneuver as I work him. The pre
-come leaking from the tip drips down his cock as I go up and down his length. It lubricates him nicely, letting my fingers slip easily up and down. My panties are getting soaked completely. His breathing becomes ragged, the muscles in his legs tightening as he clenches his teeth from pleasure. A wicked grin spreads on my face, because I know I’m the one causing all of this. I love the achingly lustful look on his face as I give in to his fantasy. I know now that giving your partner what he needs is the ultimate form of love.
He bites his lip and takes a sip of air through gritted teeth as I reach the tip.
“Wait,” he mutters.
“I thought you liked it,” I stammer, my cheeks reddening again.
“I do,” he says. “That’s the problem.”
My lips part and I make an ‘O’ with my mouth.
He smiles and winks. “You liked it too … You like the power, don’t you?”
I hide a grin by pressing my lips together, but it’s no use. He flashes a smile, and then suddenly lunges forward, grabbing both my arms and pulling me up. Leaning forward, he jerks down my leggings and panties in one go, and hauls me up into his lap in one big motion. I squeal when I land right on his cock.
His cock pulsates against my ass, and I become achingly aware of my desire to sink his erection into my folds. My legs are around his, my thighs opened for him to admire. A flush spreads on my cheeks as his eyes drift down to look at me. His hands move quickly to remove the last piece of clothing from my body, unhooking my bra too. It hasn’t even dropped to the floor yet before he’s already got his hands on my boobs.
Alternating between both, he teases and toys with the tips. “Beautiful,” he growls appreciatively. He makes me feel beautiful.
His hands are dexterous, rolling my nipples, gently tugging them, testing my limits. I close my eyes and enjoy him playing with them. He buries his head in my chest, kissing both sides of my boobs before choosing which one to lick first. I writhe in his arms as he sucks and nips at the taut peaks. Gently sucking my nipples, he makes me grow insane with lust.
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